Thursday, June 12, 2014

TNA Impact 6-12-14

It's been a crazy week gaming-wise with E3 taking up a lot of time. I've written about 50 articles since Monday, and that's just for gaming. I put up a couple of recaps on Rant Lifestyle for Main Event and the HBK-Cena WM Rewind. If you're wondering why B-show coverage has largely disappeared here it's because they have a 20 article per month requirement, and it was much easier to just transfer the recaps to RL than come up with all-new things to write about. Wrestling-wise, it's been a huge day with the release of nearly a dozen folks in WWE. 2/3 of 3MB being gone is a surprise, and I'm not really sure how well Drew would fare in TNA given that his ex-wife is there and a bigger name in that company than he would be. Brodus and Hawkins are already going to PWS where they can...take promo photos in the shower judging by their roll call of champions.

Cops features a pair of guys trying to get crack at 2 AM. One of the guys claimed to have a brain injury and based on his speech, it seems at least somewhat legit - real sad stuff. One of the guy's MOMS SHOWS UP TO PICK THEM UP. The same roaming shot of MVP aired, and they've added shots of Lashley and King to it. KENNY KING LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING GEEK. GET THIS GUY SOME GEAR THAT LOOKS MAJOR LEAGUE! Dixie promising to make MVP bleed was the capper there. EY started the show to talk. EY still needs a new theme and tron. New gear wouldn't hurt either. MVP came out in a sweet silver suit, while Lashley had his sponsored gear and Kenny was in a basic T-shirt and denim jeans/jacket combo. MVP bragged about being a world-class athlete who was STILL HALF-MAN, HALF-AMAZING. MVP told him since he can't beat him at wrestling, he should stick to EXTREME FISHING! EY buried the cheap plug with a cheap plug. EY is ridiculously shiny. EY said he wasn't talking to MVP ENTERTAINER-TO-ENTERTAINER. Oh fuck this. MVP said that EY would be able to pick the stips for the PPV main event if he could beat all three of them. Kenny King, the world's dumbest, and worst-dressed heel, said EY should make it one-on-two. What a moron. MVP made EY-Lashley next. Wait, it's two one on one matches? Why not make it a handicap match!? EY-Lashley got a tepid reaction as an action match fans could see.

Terrible ADR talked about Dixie being in Dallas to talk to the Board of Directors to TALK about MVP and Lashley.  Lashley and EY are just doing stuff. Lashley, the MMA fighter, locked on a torture rack. Why bother talking about his MMA background if he's just going to do pro wrestling holds? Lashley caught him off a crossbody off the top and hit the powerslam to pin the world champ in the opener. Oh, and Tenay said it's now a deal where EY has two win two matches. Wait, he's facing MVP too? Wasn't it a two-match series? Joe came out to brawl with Lashley, presumably to set up some yelling. WILLOW IS BEA-TEN, AND BRO-KEN, BUT HE IS NOT DEFEATED! TONIGHT WE SHALL TURN THE TIDE! OUR PATIENCE IS ON VA-CA-TION! He may also be on the drugs.

EY talked to some dude about throwing his back out. The guy ya know man talks about it being ya know serious man. Joe ya know man yelled man. Magnus came out with Bram looking rather ghetto now in ripped jeans and a tanktop. Bram talked about their history, and Magnus said Bram's his BEST FRIEND. Who we never saw, or heard about before. Bram talked about Jeff needing an alter-ego to be sadistic. Tenay talked about Willow being unpredictable - well, he came out without an umbrella, so I guess that counts. Willow cut a promo about being from Jeff Hardy's imag-i-nation, which I think references his band or some shit. He got a Hardy chant going, then a Willow chant. Willow cut a promo I think making a tag match with Jeff Hardy teaming with Willow. Everyone talked about how dangerous they were. Willow said we leading to a guy saying THE PEOPLE. And he's teaming with Abyss for some reason. Maybe he's Willow pain pill provider. Taz said THIS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE and that makes sense since Willow did it. So I guess Willow's booking the show. They recapped EC3 being busted open by Bully and then attacked by MLK. EC3 wore a band-aid and said DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S UNDERNEATH IT. And he's going to confront the violent heathen tonight. He's a Carter, and the world needs them. Meanwhile, the roster needs their paychecks.

They had a blink and you miss it promo hyping up Kevin Von Erich's sons wrestling. It was so fast that I couldn't even get a screen of it. OH THANK THE LORD ABOVE THEY RECAPPED THE BRO-MANS-MENAGERIE DEAL! They said you should get Slammiversary as a Father's Day gift, and that Kurt Angle would be there to announce the next hall of famer. They had Rebel's ass on-screen with this. Tenay announced some kind of TNA sale with Slammiversary DVDs being on sale, some kind of 12% off sale, and you get 12% more off somehow, and there's free shipping when you hit some amount. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS TNA SALE!? I've signed contracts less convoluted. The Freak and Rebel did comedy with Jesse, the music played, the lights were crazy, DJZ did the horn, this was a clusterfuck. Crazy Steve, WHO IS CRAZY, put the balloon string down Robbie's gear. EC3 and Spud talked, while Brooke and her new boobs returned.

They recapped MVP's team beating up EC3. They replayed Dixie's tweet and that stupid hashtag before EC3 CAME OUT TO TALK! EC3 talked about recapping Bully's checkered past. No thanks - I have the WWE Network for that. YAY BROOKE! They asked her about her relationship with Bully. It's not a thing anymore. She was asked if Bully threatened to put her through a table, and HE HAS A DNA TEST! BULLY RAY IS THE FATHER!  I'm very disappointed that Spud's investigation doesn't involve a giant magnifying glass and/or monocle. She said no, he showed a wacky photo of Bully and a baby and it was actually funny. Then EC3 threatened her and Bully came down to talk. Bully was a right nice gentleman to Brooke and they hugged. THEN EC3 TALKED MORE! EC3 said their issue needed resolution, the fans chanted for tables, and EC3...agreed. Why, I have no idea. It's in Carter country, so maybe he's lucky or something. Wasn't this already announced as a table match? EC3 said Bully would put Dixie through a table over his dead body, which Bully repeated a thousand times. Bully challenged him to a TEXAS DEATH MATCH! EC3 accepted this challenge. What? Shouldn't he as a heel be trying to get out of this?

Brittany-Gail-Madison happens later. EY-Kenny is next. EY got his second full intro of the night. Kenny King got I think his first full intro with his new theme. It's generic Vegas music and no part of his look fits this gimmick. Knux's gimmick is wacky, but his gear reflect it. Nice fireman's carry from EY. Taz plugged Glory, WITH CRO COP STILL FIGHTING. Kenny hit a capoiera kick on the apron to counter an apron suplex. Kenny hit whatever his finisher is called, but he got cocky and wasted a lot of time. Springboard somersault senton missed and EY hit a wonky piledriver due to Kenny constantly moving his arms everywhere. They interviewed Madison backstage with a giant light apparently just on her, because she looked pale white. 

EY talked with the trainer, who told him not to work again, again. Gail's theme was in the background.  Everyone in the match got a full intro, so the timeline of events was only a tad off here. BPs came out after a couple of minutes of action to sit and lead to an ad break. Madison and Gail did a terrible headscissors, and then Brittany telegraphed a drop toehold by selling before the move. The chicks did a headscissors to each other. They did a terrifying double superplex to Gail, with Brittany slapping Madison on the ass before hand. The BPs insulted Madison for being a big meanie. Gail did the ringpost figure 4. BPs distracted the ref, and Gail got the win after Velvet accidentally sprayed Brittany, who the heels wanted to win for an easy PPV win. This was amongst the worst women's matches in TNA history. MVP-EY is next, or something, because it's 10:37 and there's no way they're doing a 22 minute match before the PPV. MVP met with some ref for some screwing over to be done.

We got a recap of MVP, Kenny, and Lashley - ONE OF THE MOST IMPRESSIVE FACTIONS EVER FORMED to kill time. Then a new Dixie tweet aired. Lashley-Joe was announced here, ditto Aries-King. Anderson, looking 45 in the shot, faces Storm. Willow-Magnus has the dudes in the corner. Nothing about the Von Erichs' match here. The guys came out, BUT EY GOT ATTACKED BEFORE THE BELL RANG. This plan was revealed exactly like a '60s Batman reveal. Match started at about 9:50 and wasn't much. MVP busted out a powerbomb. A nasty buckle bomb followed it up. EY's abusing his body A LOT for all this. His back's been marked up since the opener, and it's now all beaten red. MVP beat him down and brought a chair in - so he could sit and lecture him. MVP hit him in the back with the chair, which does make some sense. Sure, it gives EY the stip - but EY's back is mangled, so he should be able to win in any match EY can possibly make. MVP's crew came in. MVP posed with the belt and they missed the shot of it around the waist. Tenay said "THE SHOW WAS TWO HOURS OF BRUTALITY!" EY sounded a bit like a drunk Al Bundy making his cage match. They hyped up next week's show with THE FALLOUT FROM mention of MVP probably being off the card.

Screens -

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