Monday, June 9, 2014

Raw 6-9-14

Booker brought back SUCKAS GOTS TA KNOW! Tonight, Seth Rollins BREAKS HIS he did on SD? Titus and Dolph have a match on Superstars. They join it in progress saying Dolph's been on the receiving end of the beating. Poor fucker. He wins after the Zig Zag and this was a chore to get through even a minute of. A member of 3MB faces Adam Rose on Superstars. RVD faces Cesaro and Barrett faces Sheamus tonight in MITB qualifiers. Renee's in an '80s dress and cutting a promo with RVD. THE COO AND ONE OF THE PRINCIPAL OWNERS OF WWE came out to talk. Steph kissed Hunter and wiped her spit off him, which bugged him. Dr. Maroon cut a promo talking about Bryan being unable to compete soon. I for one am not disappointed - Kane-Bryan was going to suck and I'm more excited by MITB as a show without that match on the card. A fan responded to this news by...smelling his armpit. Steph announced that there was already one qualifier - on SD...or Raw, as it was known, with Alberto. Orton's in just cuz. They talked some more. HHH ran a recap video of Seth's turn. HHH put the remnants of the Shield in a 6-man tag and kept trying to get adapt or perish over. They showed the titles above the ring...umm... Steph said Bryan just found out, why do they have the belts? Titus's fathers day ad aired. GO FISH ON A WRESTLING SHOW! TWICE IN ONE WEEK!

Sheamus came out to face Barrett, AND HE'S GOT SOME BAD NEWS! Cole questioned if they really reached out to Bryan, and JBL said that "he said his assistant did", which since STEPH SAID IT, was pointed out as being wrong. JBL said the assistant could be male, which still isn't correct at all. JERRY LAWLER is busting JBL's chops for not paying attention. AND HE'S RIGHT. Holy shit. Yeah, Sheamus could stand to lose that Cactus Jack-style crossbody over the top. Looked ugly and led to a break. Barrett's tornado suplex thing is really stupid. He goes up like a tornado DDT, but swings into a suplex...wouldn't a slingshot suplex make a lot more sense? "Staring up at the championships - THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!" It's a staring championship now? Sheamus did a dive to the floor onto the barricade. This has been a really fun brawl, with it feeling a lot like their other matches outside of a new dueling kneeling punches spot. Brogue hits out of nowhere for the win. BOO! At least this was a competitive match as opposed to the last time Sheamus pinned him, in like two minutes. I like JBL applying logic to why Orton should be in MITB since he was the first WWE WHC, as opposed to HHH just saying so. Harper talked about getting urges from a deep, dark place. Fine promo from Bray here.

A sleazy-looking movie called Tammy got an ad. May God help us all if #tammy ever trends. Lana's ass came out. She called Obama a sissy and ran a video of him working out terribly and showing PUTIN DOING JUDO! And riding a horse! She insulted the flaccid America. Rusev's medal now matches his gear. Cole alerted us to the fact that Rusev-Ryder was A REMATCH. No shit!? Rusev crushed. Crowd didn't care. Rusev now gets a giant flag over the ring as he celebrates. Truth's teaming with Goldust this week to face Ryabxel, after JBL puts over Larry Hennig since they're in MN. Goldust should really just stop letting Cody pick his partners - THEY ALWAYS LOSE. JBL said that Sin Cara doesn't speak, yes he does. Goldust got cradled and lost. Layla insulted MN and Summer. Summer Rae's a face now, I think. Summer poured milk on her and they brawled. The bit at the end with Layla covered in milk is just asking for a Brazzers logo.

Cole thanked THE WWE UNIVERSE for making Raw number 1. 3MB bashed the Shield, who came out to kick ass. They did, and set up a big spear on the ramp...which they missed. Ambrose said that the Shield will go down as one of the greatest teams in WWE history. He cut an awesome promo on Seth, MY BROTHAAAAA, turning his back on them. He said he couldn't wait to hear him say HHH's words, so they could beat the hell out of him. Dean got folks pumped! They showed Seth backstage IN A SUIT! Reigns said you don't tug on Superman's cape or piss in the wind, AND YOU DON'T TURN YOUR BACK ON THE SHIELD! Reigns said he's gonna take out Orton, then HHH! "We're gonna have our own Game of Thrones - BELIEVE THAT!"

Usos came out. Fandango came out to oppose them. Layla's tits are massive. DAMIEN SANDOW IS IN LONG TIGHTS. Holy hell. JBL talked about British wrestling history. Usos did the tea cup dance. Jesus, this is killing Sandow. Love JBL burying Cole for burying Sandow's gut. Crowd changed for Sandow - so this is working great for a face turn. Sandow got splashed. Xavier came out to face Bo. Massive CM Punk chant. RUNNING BODOG won.

Paul Heyman came out. HE IS THE ONE BEHIND THE ONE IN 21-1! Heyman said that Brock was groomed for greatness at the University of Minnesota, and after TEASING A MAN WHO MADE AT HISTORY AT WM, THE NEXT WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...CESARO! Glorious! Nice grinding chinlock from Cesaro - straight out of Fire Pro Returns. RINGPOST DRAGON SCREW set up the Neutralizer for the win. They showed Orton on vacation, which was great.

Seth came out to a new buttrock theme. Seth took all the credit for the Shield's success and said that Dean's nuts and Roman is the most furious force he's seen - but without someone to control it, he's worthless. Seth's promo is fantastic and he's making solid points. They saw him as a brother, but he saw them as business partners. Seth called out the Shield, but Seth...disappointed so the Family could teleport. This sucked. Cena came out to brawl with his former rivals in camo shorts, and he's losing his hair badly. Seth faces Dolph on Main Event. BUY THE NETWORK TO SEE SETH'S NEW GEAR!Fox-Paige. Fresh new matchup. King referenced LOST IN SPACE. They had a bad match that Paige won thanks to Foxsana's heads bonking, and then Alicia stole snacks from fans.

BIGG HOSS came out to face Santino. Santino said WE THE PEOPLES! As a Peeples, I loved that. I will not proceed to not like this match. Swagger killed him in a match full of bad Italian jokes. GUTWRENCH POWERBOMB IS A FINISHER AGAIN! Cody said he found someone who would MAGNIFY THE MAGNIFICENCE OF GOLDUST! Recap of the Maroon statement. MORE TALKING WITH HHH AND STEPH. They do not approve of Cena helping the Shield. ANOTHER SHEAMUS-CESARO MATCH! Should be fun, but fuck!

They had every Shield-Wyatts match ever, but with Cena in there less than Reigns usually is. Harper hit a clumsy-looking torture rack>neckbreaker, largely due to Cena's bump being awful. Cena got a Fruity Pebbles chant as he got beaten up. Abigail to Cena. Superman Punch to Bray. Harper tries to take Reigns out, but the boot only gets 2. Spear from Reigns to Harper gets the win! The show closed with the Shield and Cena side-by-side WITH A MAGGLE sign behind them.

Screens -

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