Thursday, June 5, 2014

TNA Impact 6-5-14

WILL ANYTHING ON THE SHOW TOP A COUPLE STEALING DVDS FROM BLOCKBUSTER ON COPS!? Probably not. Hell, the ep before Impact has a guy drunk driving ON A BICYCLE! The reveal of Mistico/Sin Cara's new character Myzteziz led to me revamping my white and gold Sin Cara outfit a bit in FPR. This led to me making the Wolves for my TNA roster, Robbie E, and finally SAMI ZAYN! I'll probably make Tyler Breeze later as well since his gear is going to be super-easy to remake. As a result, I've got FPR plugged in and ready to go on the TV, so if Impact gets really shitty, I'll just play that and have Impact on in the background.

"MVP and his crew" dominated the video package. This faction needs a name now. Kenny King in jeans and his shirt said he's Sherlock Homeboy looking for Joe. They debuted an overhead cam...and the show then started with Joe coming out to cut a promo. Why even do the mystery angle then? Joe took a break from Twitch to say words, then MVP AND HIS CREW came out - thank God above, more talking. Could someone please donate an outfit that at least appears to cost more than $30 to Kenny King? Is there an Indie Gogo I can pledge $5 for that cause? Joe then yelled WORDS to MVP. MVP said that Joe could've had a shot at the title in a gauntlet match...which I don't recall at all. Clips of this long-forgotten bit from months ago would be nice - it's impossible to remember what happened on Impact two weeks ago, let alone months ago. Aries came out in cheap slacks and his shirt looking like a sorta-star. MVP said Joe was breaching his contract. Okay then, why is he out there then? Aries and Joe want to face the whole group. MVP made Joe-Aries with Joe's career on the line. Or Aries' career on the line, or both, or something. MVP just kept saying "he" and "him" in that. BRAM AND MAGNUS TALKED. I hope we get a Bram Cracker chant at some point. Anyway, Bram hopes Magnus finds his balls, but if he doesn't, that's cool - he'll just take his spot.

Bram came out, leading to Willow coming out and hopping around. Tenay talked about how unpredictable Willow what way? He's just doing Jeff Hardy stuff with umbrella bullshit. Dixie Carter is paying Jeff Hardy six-figures to dress up for Halloween every day. Willow did a shitty back handspring forearm smash thingy that was ECW RVD-level of goofy. Air Willow on the guardrail had a wonky landing - almost like a backbreaker. Bram laid down on the steps so Willow could hit a plancha, but Bram moved. Nice spot - haven't seen that before. Bram got the bar, but Magnus had seen JUST ABOUT ENOUGH. He attacked Willow with it a lot. This was like RVD's debut, where he just bonked him over and over and over and over and Willow just never went down. The Wolves in their gear, but with SANDALS INISTEAD OF KICKPADS and a new red-wolf shirt that is very Wolfpac-ish met with MVP. Remember the years of build for Eddie-Davey in ROH that told a compelling story? We got none of that - their first one on one match in TNA IS UP NEXT.

Ken Anderson was dressed like a cowboy and drinking beer and saying I LIKE BEER. Fire this man. The Wolves had a really good move-filled match before Kenny King came out and was awful. He demanded a fight. They traded seated surfboards and cradles. This is just a waste of these two men in so many ways. Oh fuck this match. We're getting face vs. face with neither guy having an established character in TNA and Kenny King saying shit over it. Eddie got the half-crab and Taz buried Kenny for talking. Eddie got a flash cradle for a win. Kenny said more shit. I hope they beat some fashion sense into Kenny King here. Well, they hit the alarm clock. MVP said a sentence, then Dixie showed up. WHAT BAR...SUBSTANCE...THE FUCK IS DIXIE WEARING!?

BRITTANY'S ACTING WAS RECAPPED! We don't see clips of the MVP-Joe deal they referred to earlier TO SET UP THE MAIN EVENT, but we get that. Brittany's cleavage met with Madison to tell her that she's there for her. Madison sure has a lot of small tattoos on her arms and fingers. The Bro Mans had a meeting. Robbie fears THE CLOWN BRO! Robbie E's write-off is him being afraid of clowns...amazing! MVP met with Brian Hebner, looking at least 55. MVP told him there HAD TO BE A WINNER in Aries-Joe. Joe was angry with MVP. This Joe-MVP thing SURE WOULD BENEFIT FROM CLIPS! Aries came in and said he knew MVP was up to no good the second he got there. They argued about how much they hated this situation.

Bro Mans are mid-ring with DJZ's setup. Robbie said he's afraid of clowns. Why bother doing the backstage bit if you're just going to redo it in the ring? The Menagerie came out to be all wacky. Rebel got a chant. Steve and Z had a horn-off. Knux threw the Bro Mans out and then the Freak threw DJZ onto them. Brian Hebner met with Bully and EY to say he'll do what he has to do. Aries-Joe is next despite being the only announced main event.

Or rather, we'll get more with Gunner and Shaw. They played Go Fish. This was really nice to look at with all the bright white, Go Fish was played on global TV. Christy expressed glee in this LOSER IS FIRED match. Well, it makes sense for Aries. Aries and Joe had an okay match until EY came out to prevent a finish. Bully beat up the ref and said he was sorry. Remember how well WWE did Show-Dusty? Yeah this wasn't .01% of that. Bully pitched a giant multi-man clusterfuck tag match, which EY made a first-blood match. Yeah, this needed be made at 9:10. Why is this a first blood stip? This makes zero sense given any part of this angle. OH GOD KEN ANDERSON IS STILL DOING THIS SHIT.

Ken came out to Storm's awesome face theme. I want Storm to beat the shit out of this man right now. Ken made bad breath jokes and was generally unfunny. Storm showed up looking pissed and pointing out how stupid Ken looked and that he was a fraud. Well, he's honest. They brawled and Ken got the edge for a bit. Taz pointed out that Storm DID NOT WANT TO FIGHT, but Ken did. Last Call KOed Ken. Storm cut a promo on him about dancing with the devil. OH THANK GOD MORE WITH GUNNER AND SHAW! Gunner wants to look through Shaw's drawings. So to recap, TNA didn't have the money to afford AJ Styles, but they can afford to make sets for skits involving guys playing Go Fish and flipping through a sketch book.

Gunner showed him his art, including a drawing of his mother and one of Gunner that he wasn't quite done with. This is going somewhere that's better for Shaw than the Anderson deal was. Madison came out to face Angelina. They ran a crawl for WHICH TNA SUPERSTAR YOU WOULD LIKE TO RIDE A ROLLERCOASTER WITH!? Rayne Drop hit, but Velvet distracted her. Brittany came out to even the odds. Madison got mad. Brittany's indicating some sort of emotion by moving her head in random directions there. Booty-shaking scissor stomp from Madison. Brittany stood by while Madison was hit with hairspray. Well, Madison did tell her to do NOTHING. EC3 was intimidated by MVP's crew. So EC3's a heel, but also face-ish due to being bullied. This is stupid.

WOW, A 12% OFF SALE ON SHOPTNA! Madison yelled at Brittany for not helping. Again, SHE TOLD HER TO DO NOTHING, which Brittany rightfully cited. 8-man tag FIRST BLOOD MATCH is up next. Everyone came out. MVP is now working in his shirt in addition to the bodysuit. Joe and Lashley had an intense bit for a few seconds that was really exciting...and then they went to a break. Fuck. MVP got the 3-on-1 edge against EY and of course used body shots in a first blood match. Lashley's crossfaces at least made logical sense to try and win. Everyone just did stuff. EC3 hit a Simmons-esque spinebuster to Bully - easily the best part of the match outside of the brief Joe-Lashley stuff. After talking about EC3'S STREAK ENDING AT THE PPV, Bully bonked him with the chain to end the streak and get blood. I guess that can be stricken from the record, and they didn't actually use the blade here - just going with stage blood so at least he didn't gig for a nothing match.THE BABYFACES STOOD TALL TO CLOSE THE SHOW...or not. MLK attacked EC3 and Dixie defended her nephew. What in the fuck was this? As usual, clips of NEXT WEEK'S SHOW hyped up #impactlive.

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