Thursday, June 26, 2014

TNA Impact 6-26-14

The Cops hype vid for Impact was cut off. I completely forgot about Roode's return. EY was just a bit player in all of this, and the Roode focus makes me think he's winning the BFG Series. Lashley is in a POWDER BLUE SUIT he appeared to steal from Vince. BPs-Taryn/Gail start the show off. Taryn has lost all of the baby weight and has quite the boob window on her gear. Angelina has aged five years since the last show. Taz said that Velvet's furry boots reminded him of Buzz Sawyer, while Tenay thought he'd mention John Nord. Brody comes to my mind first, but whatever. They pimped the TNA KOs calendar vote, and a banner deal. Super Hart Attack gets 2 for Taryn. We're getting Storm-Anderson in a rematch for whatever reason, and a Monster's Ball here on free TV. These Velvet camera angles are straight out Lacey Von Erich's fetish film. Taryn as the face in peril works, and the crowd was pretty hot for her hot tag. A dive from Taryn sets up the Eat Defeat pin on Angelina for Gail. MVP and his crew are going to come out after the break - KENNY KING OWNS A SUIT!

BFG in Japan is hyped up - Willow was in the ad. Dixie was on her phone. NONE OF THIS STUFF IS MVP AND HIS CREW TALKING. Now they're up. Everyone coming out with a chick makes this seem a bit more major league. Ditto the suits. The boo machine went nuts and the fans called Bobby a "bathterd" and MVP talked about having to set an example for A GUY WHO STEPPED OVER THE LINE while staring at King. EY came down in a sling, said words, ran down, and got beaten up. Roode came out of the crowd again and swung MVP's crutch at him. MVP, 40 on a bad knee, bumped for this. Stupid.

They came back and speaking of stupid, EY's arm was in a sling and now it's fine. Bobby said he's known EY for almost 20 years ago and 10 years ago, they signed with TNA and helped build it from the bottom up. Bobby said he loved THE SPORT of professional wrestling much like Shane Douglas. Bobby's cutting a pretty damn good promo. Shame he's in tattered jeans. Actually, both he and EY are in them - looks terrible. Bobby's now just a face because he loves WRESTLING and he wants to whoop ass for the working men and women in the back. MVP talked to Bobby about being honorable. Crowd chanted boring. MVP threatened to fire him before EARL SULLIVAN ARMSTRONG of THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS stripped MVP of his title and his replacement will be here later to fix the mess he's left behind. Bobby said that meant MVP couldn't fire him, so he punched him down! Knux talked to a guy about giving someone money as soon as he could. Well, if you spent less money on your goofy outfits and entourage and focused on WINNING MATCHES INSTEAD OF BEING GOOFY IN NON-MATCHES, you'd have money. Manik, DJZ, and Crazzy Steve had a wacky bit.

Tenay recapped the news. Instead of being on the board, ESA is a lawyer representing the Board. Spud met with Dixie in one of his sillier suits to date. He basically played the role of gay best friend. Sanada came down in his darker blue and white gear. Sanada cut a promo about all of the guys getting a title shot. Poor guy got WHAT chants and someone said WHAT ARE YOU SAYING. He was quite clear in his point, dickhead. Tenay said that since no one is in power, Sanada can make his own matches. Sanada and Steve had a forearm>Mongolian chop exchange that was kinda fun. Manik did the knee lock thing where you snap back to apply pressure, and kept getting chopped into it by Steve before locking on an abdominal stretch on him too. Corkscrew senton block from Manik to the pile on the floor. Z hits a springboard tornado DDT to Steve. Tower of Doom spot with Manik doing a Batista bomb to Steve and Z. Tiger Suplex to Z from Sanada wins. This was fun. Dixie and Spud come out to talk NEXT!

Dixie cut an annoying promo about putting her faith in Bully and Roode, and now MVP turned on the fans. "I'm gonna give all you wrestling fans what you want - A WHOLE BUNCH MORE OF ME!" The lawyer's name is now Earl Solomon Armstrong and Taz said he's confused by everything with his role. ESA said that Dixie wouldn't be the new person in charge - but that the person who is WILL BE HERE LATER. Oh Christ. She said she wouldn't be in charge OVER HER DEAD BODY, which is now Bully's cue to come out. By golly, there's a table mid-ring! A group of middle-aged folks chanted for tables. Bully said he'd kick the bitch in the face, drink the champagne, and you know what happens next. Dixie was even more annoying with her voice and offering up a bribe of either $100,000 or $200,000. She said NOOOOOOO NOOOOO when he said there wasn't enough money to bribe him. EC3 made the save for her here, but was shooed off and then Bully had her ready in a powerslam but Spud moved it. This was ungodly bad.

Bully-Dixie was recapped. Oh thank the Lord. above. Dixie and Spud left EC3 in the building. Bully talked about putting her through a table. James Storm @JamesStormBrand came down for his match with Anderson. Anderson did his deal. I've had enough of both he and Bully for a few lifetimes. They did moves and Storm won clean by countering the Mic Check and superkicking him to death. A limo showed up from 1998 and it COULD CONTAIN the next GM guy!

Gunner and Samuel Shaw met in his rubber room. They're going to release him into Gunner's care. Oh yeah, this angle. Storm talked to him about being MUTA'S BOY, and the protege of the greatest Japanese wrestler ever. He asked him if he was ready to cash in the title and get the world title! Storm asks him what will happen if he chokes and loses the title. Well, this sure came out of nowhere. EC3 begged Spud to save him, but Dreamer in a nice HOH jacket attacked. They brawled and brawled and brawled into the arena. EC3's maroon pants are something else. Dreamer grabbed a water bottle from the trash and drank it. An ECW and HOH chant broke out. Kudos to Dreamer to getting HOH on both WWE and TNA TV. They traded tosses into the steps. Dreamer went in shoulder-first, while EC3 tried to do the Foley flip bump - but there was no room, so he had to do a cartwheel. They brawled and brawled and brawled in the ring. I think this is now longer than every other match on the show combined. Al came down and got a Head chant. Abyss cut a promo on Magnus and Bram. Oh yeah, because after this shit, we need another wacky weapon brawl. This show is so fucking stupid. OH GOODIE MORE TALKING WITH MVP AND HIS CREW!

They hyped up Global Impact Japan's PPV. They bullied the driver and Lashley pulled the shirt over his face until MVP pointed out that the man can't talk like that! Okay, that was funny. Taz said that WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT WHO THE GUY IS AFTER THIS MATCH. Logically, why? THE GUY IS TRYING TO STAY HIDDEN AND EVEN HAS A DECOY LIMO! They showed Magnus winning clean, but didn't show the Nestea Plunge. At least show that on TV so you can at least justify a million people seeing it. Taz namedropped the Broadstreet Bullies while Tenay put over Dave Shutlz - didn't mention his wrestling ref gig though. Willow chucked a trash can at Bram's head in the corner. Bram got stage blood on his head while Abyss got Janice, missed and it got stuck in the buckle. Bram cuffed Abyss to the rail. No fans cared at all despite THE MONSTER being next to them. Abyss broke out of the cuffs somehow and came back in, so why even bother doing that spot then? Willow hits the Twist on both guys. Magnus got up and Hardy got hit with a chair to the head and went through the barb wire board ramp made between the rail and the ring. Well, that was a stupid bump for a TV match. Abyss got the tacks. Thank God the pay match was the clean one on one match while the TV match is the wacky weapons brawl. Magnus got chokeslammed into the tacks. That spot hasn't meant much since about '06, sadly. Bram hits Abyss with Janice, which doesn't rib Abyss's gear, for the win. MAGNUS AND BAM won. The stage blood wore off of Bram's head by the end of the match - it was almost a parody of a hardcore match. THE NEW GM'S SHOES WALKED BACKSTAGE!

ESA came out and Taz said the guy was getting too much TV time. He announced Angle as the GM. The crowd popped for this. Somehow, they weren't completely killed by everything before this. "It's about time this company got their heads out of their asses. TNA has made a lot of mistakes in the past - there's no doubt about that!" Lashley's awful new theme hit and he came out. There's just nothing to this theme - it's as generic as Seth's and reeks of a WWE game theme. MVP asked Kurt if his demons were in check - CUZ HE HAD THREE DEMONS IN FRONT OF HIM. Well, one is on crutches, so you don't really count, MVP.  Angle says if they touch him, THEY'RE FIRED ON THE SPOOOOOTTTTTTTTT CUZ HE'S THE FREEAKIN BOSSSS. Lashley faces EY next week. EY's arm is hurt again. Angle also brought Roode back, or as he called him "THIS GUY!" King and Roode brawled while EY and Lashley brawled. This show was God-awful!

Screens -

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