Monday, June 16, 2014

WWE Raw 6-16-14

After last night's fantastic TNA PPV, I'm in a great mood for some wrestling action. The F4W board thread features a lot of Ghana puns, which works. The roster is out for a CRITICAL ANNOUNCEMENT! Oddly, Seth is just out there instead of being with the Authority. Steph's ass looks fantastic in this red skirt. Adam Rose has a tophat now. He looks like a poor man's Truth Martini. Steph announced a battle royal for some, but not. HHH said that Ambrose and Roman wouldn't be in the battle royal. Ditto Cena. Okay, so Cena's not in the battle royal, but got a chance at the ladder match IF HE WINS A STRETCHER MATCH WITH THEDEMONKANE! The battle royal is for a ladder match spot, I think for Cena and not Kane. Bray faces Sheamus, and Seth faces Dolph next. So then Seth-Dolph isn't next - it's Kane's pyro.

I never would have guessed how proud WWE is of itself for being a sponsor for the Special Olympics given that they've got the name on the ramp. Cole's copy was just dreadful. Seth being from Davenport, Iowa doesn't sound very exciting. Digging the Nike top though. They did a bunch of nothing until a break. They came back and we learned about how intense Seth was ON THE APP, THE GATEWAY TO THE WWE NETWORK! Curb stomp missed and Dolph hit a big DDT for 2. Business picked up after that. Fameasser got 2! Lionsault misses and Dolph gets 2 off a schoolboy. BUCKLE BOMB led to some punches from Seth. A second buckle bomb led to the curb stomp and DEAN INTERFERING! DEAN IN JEANS! DEAN IN JEANS! And a kick-ass jacket! Dean demanded a match. I cannot get over how great a babyface Ambrose is. HHH said that Dean loves to fight, BUT HE'S GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YA! Barrett as the hitman for the Authority could be quite good.

Ambrose working in jeans, a nice belt, nice tanktop, and boots works. Barrett hit a nice lariat to Dean who was seated on the top rope. They tied it into SD's shoulder injury out of nowhere. He really should've had it taped up. They came back and DEAN WAS HANGING ONTO THE ROPE WITH A FOOT AND A HAND. Tremendous. We got footage FROM THE WWE APP! Dean hit a tornado DDT for 2. Amrose traps the arm in the ropes for some jabs, but eats the Winds of Change for 2. Wasteland turned into the crucifix for 2. "The Authority knows what's best for the Universe!" Good lord. Seth came out and tried to distract Dean, but he dove onto both Seth and Barrett. Rollins and Ambrose brawl and Barrett wins by countout. Dean attacks Barrett afterwards with Dirty Deeds. So Barrett wins the battle, but Dean wins the war. And seems to have new music. Dean's music is pretty damn good. Roman talks to Vickie and says she's a Guerrero and THAT STANDS FOR SOMETHING! Then Roman sent her away for a second and did something to the Authority's drinks. Bray said CLEVELAND, WE'RE NEXT! Because it's a TV show.

They hyped up the Wyatts-Usos tag title match. Wyatts with the gladiator belts would look weird. Yet another A+ babyface promo from Bray. He talked about his brother fighting and being here for HIS PEOPLE. HE'S FIGHTING FOR THE CHANGE PEOPLE HAVE BEEN PRAYING FOR! King told a story about going to a Superman convention and a 4 year old girl saying Bray was her favorite. They did stuff until the Usos came out to even the odds. Sheamus countered the senton with knees and hit a tilt a whirl. Wyatts got involved for a DQ. They missed the Finlay roll on the floor, but caught the Usos superkicking the ladder into the Wyatts. Sheamus acted as a ladder ramp base for the Usos to...slowly run up and dive off of. That was inefficient. Vickie brought the Authority their coffee, but HHH bonked his out of her hands and onto her. Steph found it to be good. A Network ad talked about it being like Netflix or Hulu, but with live programming - smart. WWE then blatantly false advertised Monday Night Wars as being available now.

WWE IS THE MOST INFLUENTIAL SPORTS BRAND ON TWITTER! Steph talked to Renee briefly, and then had to leave suddenly. Good Lord. Paul Heyman put over MITB as being A GUARANTEE FOR A NEW WORLD CHAMPION! Heyman leering like a creeper at Renee is fantastic. JBL called Heath a One Man Band before Rusev came out. They're going all-out with the medal gimmick. Fans chant "USA USA USA" and a fat guy drinks soda. Awesome. They did an awful Photoshop job on Mount Rushmore. Heath, the most loveable heel on the roster, told the evil Russians to shut up and stay in Russia. YAY FACE TURN! Slater's American flag gear from the past few weeks makes sense now. Rusev crushed him in seconds. Rusev's arm pumping bit is always hilarious. HHH was outside the bathroom where Steph's vomiting. She puked on Vickie, HHH left, Vickie's in charge, and she's yelling. This was awful.

Thank God Roman knocked on the correct random grey door. Roman told her to stand up to the Authority by putting him in the battle royal. She did. Roman did not come off like a main eventer tonight. An RIP 3MB sign made air behind the announcers. They showed a trailer for Think Like a Man 2. Adam Rose greatly annoyed him and demanded they not sing in his ear, so he sung the song, and he's doing commentary for some match. "Vicki Guerrero" is trending. Kevin looks like a small child in the giant chair. Fandango and Layla came out. "Catty little twat" was changed to "Catty little cat" - boo! Summer's teaming with Rose. JBL talked about euthanizing the bunny and Rose's song sounding like a cat having shoes thrown at him. JBL's really a big fan of abusing animals today. Layla hopping out of the ring under the second rope rules. Chicks brawled backstage and Rose won with his move. So why is Kevin Hart acting like Carlton Banks? LOL @ JBL endorsing sneaking into Kevin Hart's movies.

Usos and Sheamus face the Wyatts. HOLLA HOLLA 6-MAN FOR MAIN EVENT! Roman came out in the crowd using a slower remix of the Shield theme. Sandow dressed as LeBron Janes and was thrown out instantly. They talked about the stretcher match main event, which I completely forgot about. I'm amazed that Seth isn't in the MITB match and won't be winning the title. HE WOULD BE PERFECT IN EVERY WAY! Why aren't Roman and Dean friends now? It's like a TNA angle with several missing chapters in the book. They talked about how angry the Authority will be with Vickie next week. WHY ISN'T THE AUTHORITY KEEPING TABS ON THE SHOW!? YOU CAN KEEP TABS ON THE BATTLE ROYAL ON THE APP! No thanks. Kofi was eliminated ON THE APP, no magic deal for him this year. Reigns attacked Rybaxel. I love Axel doing his dad's flip bump. Axel kicked Roman on the ass ass, and they ate a double spear.  Rusev hit a big running superkick to Roman. Loved seeing Barrett trying to eliminate Bo, leading to Cole referencing their history. NO! BO GOT TOSSED! RUSEV-ROMAN! This got a huge USA USA chant. SUPERMAN PUNCH ON THE APRON TAKES OUT RUSEV! This would've been a great capper to the show, but by God, we've got a third hour! I really hope they do a second MITB match so Seth can win the case and still win the title soon, but there's been zero setup for another MITB match. Cena exposited terribly about Roman Reigns and HOW ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN ON RAW! Then he told bad jokes teasing a middle finger, delivering an index finger, and making wacky noises. KANE PLEASE KILL THIS MAN!

Bootydactyls came out. IT'S HISTORIC EPISODE 1,099 OF THE LONGEST-RUNNING EPISODIC SHOW IN TV HISTORY! Cameron said stuff about Paige, leading to this match. They referenced Jillian's mole. King asking for them to class things up a bit after the vomiting. Paige fell for a handshake spot. Paige needs to learn a few tricks from the cagey vet CAMERON. So now all women hate each other AND THEMSELVES. Great night for JBL. Paige won with "the modified Scorpion Cross Lock She Calls the PTO". Goldust talked about meeting his SUPER GALACTIC partner. Super Galactic? We're getting Max Moon!? Thank God we got clips of this angle after they already quoted last week's deal word for word.

Rybaxel faces Goldust and his mystery partner. His partner STARDUST arrived. This gimmick and theme are shockingly good. Cody might work well in this role. Stardust hit a cross-armed double arm DDT. DIAMOND DUST FROM STARUST WON! This was so much better than just doing a turn. A Special Olympics vid aired. Stephanie isn't just WWE's top heel, she's also its lead face. Roman faces Alberto for some reason on SD. They put over a stretcher match as being ONE OF WWE'S MOST DANGEROUS  MATCHES! With a bright yellow finish line.KANE HAS TO PUSH THE STRETCHER UP PAST THE FINISH LINE! You know, like an NXT season 1 skit. They did stuff for seemingly ages. Kane used the steps and they did the wacky step bonking into the groove bit. I hope this leads to a dreaded STEPS MATCH! OH MY GOD, KANE DDT'D JOHN'S WRIST ONTO THE STEPS! Cena he can turn around and throw punches. Kane took shit off the announce table, but Cena AA'd him through it. CAN JOHN CENA FIND A WAY TO OVERCOME THESE ODDS!? Kane fell off the stretcher. Seth and Orton came down. Ambrose made a save, but ate a chokeslam from Kane. Cena redid the steps-chucking spot. Should've saved that spot for a PPV. AA on the ramp inches away from the line won. Cena managed to push the stretcher...inches! AMAZING! The show closed with them plugging that the PPV is on the Network and only $10 a month.

Screens -

Don't fuck with the titty master, son!

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