Monday, June 23, 2014

WWE Raw 6-23-14

IT'S RAW EPISODE NUMBER ONE THOUSAND, ONE HUNDRED! OH YEAH! Steph's in a giant Pepto-colored dress with her giant knockers on display. Steph brought Vickie out, buried her, said that took pity on her because her husband died and they gave her a GM job because they couldn't make her a dive. Fuck them for this. Now she wants her to beg. Jesus Christ. Steph wants to be Vince and she's copying the worst parts of his on-air character. Steph said she can keep her job if she wins her match...AGAINST STEPH! Who gets a giant yes chant. Vickie stood up for Eddie and the Guerrero name. They showed the announcers - Cole's brown checkerboard suit is awful. OH BOY! TWO SMACKDOWN REMATCHES! Barrett-Dolph and the SD main event.

Cole thanked EVERYONE IN THE WWE UNIVERSE for making SD number 1. Jimmy Uso's out. YAY MORE ONE USO VS. A WYATT MATCHES! The B-teamers now have their own theme. It's a HARMONICA VERSION OF HE'S GOT THE WHOLE WORLD IN HIS HANDS! Luke starts off with a dropkick. Harper won with the spinning clothesline. Maybe it's an organ version of the song. Either way, the crowd is singing it, so if the goal was to nix the crowd's singing, it failed. Jey doesn't want to wait until SD to do their match, by golly! He challenged his STANK ASS and as RAW TRENDS WORLDWIDE ON TWITTER, we might get this match! Cole talked about this impromptu match after the break and HOW YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IT ON TWITTER! NO I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS MATCH ON TWITTER, FUCK YOU COLE! Fucking hell, Vickie-Steph is trending. Jey won, so it's 50/50 booking between the teams. Wyatts kicked their asses afterwards. They celebrated with the belts, so they're not winning on PPV. Bray cut a promo about stuff. It's only 8:30 and I'm already bored of this - at least the MITB ad has some swank imagery in it.

Lana and Rusev buried America in DC. She basically recapped their whole deal with some narration. Paige came out to do commentary for Fox-Naomi. CAMERON IS ON COMMENTARY TOO! The commentary is insufferable. The match isn't good and nothing about this is fun. JBL got a chant here. Cole said Cameron acts like she does on Total Divas - COMING SOON TO THE WWE NETWORK! Why is Alicia doing a move where folks either bump on the apron or taking an uncontrolled bump to the floor? Naomi won with Christian's reverse DDT again. THERE IS A LARGE BEARDED MAN IN A BURGER KING CROWN BEHIND THE COMMENTATORS! I REPEAT - THERE IS A LARGE BEARDED MAN IN A BURGER KING CROWN BEHIND THE COMMENTATORS! Roman and Sheamus met in the trainers room or something to talk, or tape up their wrists. This was a weird visual with them talking before images of the vascular system.

Titus-Rose is recapped, because that's something you need to do on a go-home PPV show. Titus came off like such a dork here. He's facing Bo, who I guess is a face now. A let's go Bo chant broke out. Bo's got a shiner before the match playing badminton or something. Bodog won. HHH came out for the 9 PM speech and Cole talked about it being HISTORIC RAW # 1,100! The gold MITB case looks a lot better than the past blue and red ones. HHH came out and buried the government under Obama. HHH described ladder matches in the most boring manner possible. HHH said that THIS PAST WEDNESDAY, the first entrant in the MITB ladder match would be Seth...which Seth himself announced on Main Event on Tuesday. Kofi, Swagger, Dolph, RVD, and Barrett were announced. HHH's English accent was dreadful. HHH burying RVD. So that contract's money well spent then. Everyone gets a slot, but Dean has to earn it so we have SOME content on this show. RVD came out and said that he crushed HHH's trachea, won the MITB match, and WWE Title. Seth said he'd take him seriously if it was 2005. RVD and his awesome singlet did some stuff with Rollins before a break. Seth is trying to "slow RVD down" and accomplishing that goal quite easily. RVD hit a hit outside-in tornado DDT before missing the splash, eating a curb stomp, and Ambrose prevented a pin. Dean said he should be added to the match because if he's not, he'll screw it up.

Seth told HHH to put Dean in the match so he can keep an eye on him and see the look on his face when he wins the case. Barrett came out and said that Dolph got a fluke win over him, which is true, BUT HE'S GOT SOME BAD NEWS! Dolph will be so embarrassed tonight that he'll change his name - just like the RACIST NFL FOOTBALL TEAM IN DC! Cole explained the story. Dolph's fluke win was recapped. By golly guys, DOLPH WANTS TO BE A SUPER SUPERSTAR BY WINNING THE IC TITLE! Dolph, the only former World champion in this match, is desperate to get another fluke win. Fameasser countered with the Winds of Change. King said the Redskins name and they went to a break. Barrett backdropped him over the top. Barrett did the shittiest Cactus elbow ever. OH GOD, JBL CALLED IT THE BARRETT ELBOW! Well, it looks shiittier than anything Foley ever did, so I'm fine with that. Crowd chanted this is awesome. NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS AWESOME. Shut up, DC! Wasteland gets 2. Dolph gets a crucifix for 2. Mid-Stinger Splash Bullhamer gets the win! I've got SOME BAD NEWS for Sting if he wants the IC Title! Vickie walked past jobbers before talking to Renee briefly. Orton interrupted her. Christ, Orton looks 40 now.

On Main Event, Kofi, RVD, and Dolph face Seth, Swagger, and Barrett. Vickie came out to the Los Guerreros theme. I'm very disappointed at the lack of yoga pants and a tight form-fitting top on Steph. Steph said they're not having a wrestling match, they're having a loser goes into a pool of muck match. Steph sent Rosa, Layla, and Alicia to face Vickie. They eventually got thrown in, but Steph chucked her in before getting thrown in by Vickie. Goldust and Byron said stuff, Stardust and and acted effeminate while singing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and Goldust said he was the normal one now. Swagger faced Kofi, and they talked about Vickie leaving on a high note, and King said she wouldn't be around for Steph to dick around anymore. Cole hyped up this being EVERYTHING KOFI IS CAPABLE OF! A VICTORY ROLL! That gets 2, and leads to him taking an ankle lock AND A LOSS. So he's capable of losing the ladder match due to his own actions. Paige faces Naomi at the PPV. Alberto talked with Renee in his wackiest promo in a while, with Cesaro saying he speaks 5 LANGUAGES AND NONE OF THEM ARE LOSER!

Sheamus faces Bray on SD. Abraham Sandow came out while JBL talked about him wrestling in the Capital Wrestling Federation. Big E wore his black and yellow singlet - easily his best one. Cole rattled off Abe's wrestling facts. Abe angrily attacked his large black foe. Big Ending won. Cole buried Obama and JBL compared him to Marion Barry. Big E, in his bright black and yellow singlet, cut a promo as Mistah Randy Watson! Lana cut a promo on him to distract him while Rusev attacked.

TOTAL DIVAS COULD WIN A TEEN CHOICE AWARD! You can watch it on the WWE NETWORK, AND SPEAKING OF THE WWE NETWORK, MITB IS THIS SUNDAY! SMILIN JOHNNY BOY talked with Renee. ALL RIGHT HERE WE GOOOO! CAN HE DO IT!? CAN JOHN CENA OVERCOME THE ODDS ON PPV!? "HE'S BEEN CALLED THE VOLCANO!" So he's a real ash hole then? Shouldn't the faces, any of them, have ANY THOUGHTS ON THIS BEING A HANDICAP MATCH AGAIN!? Orton and Cena started and they rattled off history. Orton being a 12-time world champ just seems odd since they all happened within a decade, he's been out a long time with injuries, and he was in the mid-card for years too. Bray and Cena did stuff - including a dance into the uranage. Cena and Cesaro did some stuff before a hot tag to Reigns. CESARO LIFT TO REIGNS FOR 2! Reigns plays the babyface in peril role terribly. SUPERMAN PUNCH TO BRAY! Sheamus comes in and chucks Cesaro at Alberto to take him out before clubbing the chest. Orton hits the backbreaker, but eats an AA. AA to ADR, VE Uppercut to Cena, Brogue to Cesaro gets the win and then nothing matters because Kane comes out and attacks dudes. Then HHH comes out. The real stars of 2014 - HHH and Kane! Kane's in the title ladder match. Reigns got a spear, which is nice. I almost hope he wins, but wow is he not the best choice. Seth would be perfect, but that isn't happening.

Screens -


Cole - The voice of the youth of America!

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