Monday, March 23, 2015

Raw 3-23-15

Generic show intro - so no graphic for Perro unless they do something mid-show. Woohoo! STING STARTS OFF THE SHOW! Sting says he's not here to fight a war for WCW - THAT WOULD BE RIDICULOUS! Just what I always imagined when I thought of Sting's first WWE Raw promo - STEPH! WCW was a small fish? Well, then how were they able to kick WWE's ass for so long? Sting was compared to a dog, who also hurt a Steph-involved WM build. Steph said that HHH would beat Sting, so that might not happen. Steph keeps going on and on about dogs, but Sting blocks a slap. HERE COMES THE BOARDROOM BADASS, THE GAME, THE KING OF KINGS, HHH! HHH gets the hammer. "I'm gonna swing this bat around, and if you get hit with it, it's your own fault!" So this was a thing. WHAT AN ORGANIC SEGUE TO THE DAMN APP! You can vote for Orton's opponent tonight. Paige or AJ face Nikki later and Truth and Dean face Harper and Stardust next.


There's a match going on here and we've got JBL going on about betting and Barrett being the FIVE TIME FIVE TIME FIVE TIME FIVE TIME FIVE TIME IC Champion. If they're just going to talk about whatever the fuck they want to, there is literally no point to guys taking bumps. Just play jacks mid-ring, or thumb wrestle. Mid-match chinlock after the break. JBL AND BARRETT TALKED ABOUT SOCCER. Truth got the loosest Lil Jimmy for the win ever, and danced with Dean.

SD is just going to be all about Axxess, so that will be quite skippable. Special Olympics video. WWE LOVES THE DIFFERENTLY-ABLED! Unless they have Bell's Pallsy. HE CAN. AND HE WIN. BELIEVE THAT. So yeah, that wasn't quite as great as Brock saying he's just going to fuck this man up. JBL buried paying $65 for WM. Un-fucking-believable. Of all the shows to bury the PPV on, WHY THIS ONE?! YOU'RE CHARGING MORE FOR IT THAN ANY OTHER SHOW! And WM resulting in tons of people online means that WWE absolutely needs a problem-free show. WOOHOO! A TEN GEEK TAG! Miz and Mizdow are out, why, I have no idea. They've had 80 breakups now. Miz of course is interested in Get Hard. Interview with Ferrell and Kevin Hart about their angle. I COULD SEE THE WHOLE THING ON THE SITE. No thanks. The "best of" was already shit.

There's no SD, so they have three hours to sell people on THIS WrestleMania card and they're doing a horrendous job of doing so. This giant tag is a thing to hype up the battle royal, with Bill Simmons with a five o' clock shadow and a track suit. This is the second match of...well, two matches so far where they should just thumb wrestle and not take bumps because of the commentary. Ryback's got red and black on, so he looks far better tonight than usual. Ryback beat Miz with the Shellshock for the 10th time. Simmons talked about getting all the PPVs for the cost of 2 with the Network and they recapped Sting and Orton and the TWO HOUR KICK OFF SHOW FOR WM.

It's astonishing to see Kofi in this big company-wide hype video package. This "My Hero Is" thing is goofy though. Orton's out for his match against whoever. "He's finally going to get his hands on Seth Rollins". He already did that and killed him with many kinds of death. Seth and J and J won. Goons get beaten up and eat a double draping DDT. Amusing bit where Seth goes for the stomp during the RKO setup, but Orton gets up, goes for an RKO to Seth leading to a lariat that sends Mercury to the floor. RKO to Noble and that's it. Cena-Rusev hype should involve the Rusev hype. So far, it's just a Cena interview. THERE IS DOCUMENTED PROOF that Cena loves America. Hell of a line there. SWAGGER VS. RUSEV TONIGHT in match 9,000 in their series. Dolph-Bryan recap sets up a rematch with a guest ref angle for whatever reason. Also, Snoop.



Matadores are out to face the champs, and the tag title match is back to being a 4-way with Uso back and now it's on the kickoff. It's an interspecies rematch. Okay then. Bull beats Nattie with the sunset flip. Kane threatened Barrett with taking the title from him SO THEY COULD PUT IT ABOVE THE RING TONIGHT. NOT AT WM. TONIGHT. They announced a random 8-man tag for SD.

Rusev's mid-ring. Cloud Strife for the win! Shockingly huge pop for Swagger and "We the People!" WE WANT LANA! Ha! Well, they seemingly broke them up here by having Cole explain that there's a rift due to her giving Cena the title match. You'll never guess, but Rusev beat Swagger. Good heat for this though and they used this as a backdrop to sell the rest of the WM card. Cena runs down to make the save and grounds and pounds him. Cena's punches look like badly-animated punches in a video game. Rusev tosses Cena over the table into the chairs and takes a nasty bump. Rusev roars and hits the big running superkick on the floor. Rusev locked on the Accolade and Cena passed out. Wow. Awesome! Booker, the semi-active wrestler, was outraged over refs not getting Rusev off of Cena. I wouldn't mind a Rusev-Booker match, actually - Booker can go, and lose without any real harm. This was so great.


Bray cut an awesome promo while Taker's special effects played on. He did his kneeling pose while thunder played. That was such an effective build for WM, so of course they threw to VOTING FOR THE GUEST REF right after it.Rick Rubin should play Luke Harper's father. HOF video for KEVIN NASH AKA DIESEL! Kidd and Nattie had. A SUBTLE. BURGER KING. AD!  The chicken fries now induce orgasms.

Bryan and Dolph came out for their match. Dean's the ref. "I'M THE LAW AND ORDER!" Dean needs more zeros in his paycheck. Cole asked his partners about what it means to be IC Champion. Yup. Booker's epic IC Title run of like three weeks. Ditto JBL's where he lost it to Rey in seconds. THERE. IS. A. MATCH. GOING. ON. and these fuckers are talking about JBL not being on Booker's doc. Cole recapped the turd deal. Great - I'd just forgotten about that. Lariat over into the timekeeper's area before the break. YOU GUYS NEED TO GET BACK IN THE RING! Oh yeah, there's a Brock-Roman face to face thing tonight. Here I thought these guys would be given time for this "classic" that Cole hyped up.


 Super X Factor gets 2. Corner kicks by Bryan set up the dropkick, but he eats a superkick and a Zig Zag for the win. This was good - not a classic that Cole hyped it up as. Thank God Dean attacked Dolph or else Kane's plan to put the title above the ring would've just been stupid. Everyone brawled. Everyone was down and then the belt was still this was a thing. They're so worried about the health of ALL OF THESE MEN WHO JUST DID RISKY SHIT that they almost changed their tone for half a second.

Paul Heyman cut one of his best promos ever that was so good that even Brock Lesnar was in visible awe for quite a while. Roman came down and got a "LET'S GO LESNAR!" CHANT. Roman grabbed the belt and got booed. Tug of war over the belt ended the show...yeah that wasn't great.

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