Monday, March 9, 2015

WWE Raw 3-9-15

Roman-Seth rundown from last week starts the show.  Authority B squad comes out to Orton's theme. We'll be getting Orton and Seth against Roman tonight, so Seth gets turned on tonight. Kane talked about doing this meeting out here. TO REVEAL. THEIR IGNORANCE! Kane seems to be getting blown up just from cutting this promo. Jamie said he doesn't trust Orton, while Show says HAHA YOU'RE WRONG at the thought of Orton not being on their team. Okay, so now they're running through the story beat-by-beat here...this is odd. Seth cheerleading an RKO chant rules. Orton says they've all gone soft. Kane went from being an ass kicker to an ass-kisser who makes coffee, while Show bitches and moans and was ONCE THE MOST DOMINANT SUPERSTAR IN HISTORY. Love him telling Noble that he's just angry he can't get on all the rides at Disney Land, but his 6 year old daughter has the same problem. Orton then revealed that he will turn on Seth...with a ton of guys in there. Orton says he's just having fun. Seth, the idiot believes it. This was bizarre. Fun, but bizarre.

Bryan's out to face Barrett with Truth on commentary. Truth buries Cole for using an outdated reference with DY-NO-MITE! Guys did moves to DEAD SILENCE! Everyone is just saying random things on commentary. Running knee hits and Bryan loses for, as Booker notes, THE FOURTH TIME IN FOUR MATCHES. Bull Hammer hits afterwards. Dean jumped him. Oh yeah - he's the main guy going for this title. Wow this was just not good. IC Title thing has jumped the shark. I blame Stardust. That and the formula being identical since Fastlane.


Sting vs. HHH hype video airs. THE WAR OF VIGILANTE AND KING! Can WWE please fire Cody and save him from himself, because this gimmick is career death. He's facing Dean here and is wearing the belt - so cool, being champ really has no benefits now. JBL talks about the IC Title feud and says YOU CAN'T STEAL THE WORLD DART TITLE or Ronda Rousey's title. Stardust got the lead with a kick, but did a cartwheel and got slapped. Cody groped the title and they went to a break. Fucking hell. Dean runs wild after the break with the punches and stuff on the rope. Dirty Deeds hits. Barrett gets his belt back from Truth, BUT IT WAS A SWERVE. TRUTH JUST GAVE BARRETT ONE OF THOSE REPLICAS THEY SELL AT WWESHOP! A shitty one Cole, please specify that because you make every replica look bad saying that's the kind you can get on the site. HOF induction coming up.


Connor will be inducted by Warrior's family with the Warrior Award. Bryan's tribute to him on this was fantastic. Steph said the right things. Preview for the Jericho DVD is shown. Heyman comes down to watch a video along with the fans. LOOK AT THE BIG DAWG BIG DAWGING IT UP! Roman is shown from NXT to the Shield to now and they talk about detractors. ROMAN BELIEVES IN OPINIONS. Okay then. Heyman brings out THE CHAMP! I love the giant WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION video on the top of the tron for Brock. Heyman calls bullshit on the Roman video for being so blatant. WWE is now deconstructing tropes for THREE DIFFERENT FEUDS so far in the first hour and three minutes. And there have only been three feuds hyped up so far.


Now, Heyman's saying that if Roman loses, he's out of his family. Okay then. Crowd cheers wildly when Heyman says Roman won't beat Brock. Paul's mic dies a bit and he says that SOMEONE is cowardly and doesn't even have the bravery to take the mic out of his hand. Heyman hypes up Brock as the man who sent the Rock to Hollywood, who DAMN NEAR KILLED THE UNDERTAKER ALONG WITH HIS STREAK, AND SUPLEXED JOHN CENA OUT OF THE WM MAIN EVENT! Then, after this all-time great promo, Bray said words too.

SD recap with Show and Kane teaming now. They're facing Rowan and Ryback. Show accidentally punched Kane and the heels lost. Time for Steph to big dog the two biggest guys on the roster. "SHUT UP, BIG SHOW" There we go. Miz commercial rundown. THE MIZ AND WIZ! Wiz introduced Wizdow, who rapped. This was a thing. Sheamus hype video. Wiz gets...a polite reaction in his hometown. This is worse than DJ Run telling me he's gonna get all up in my area. The Bellas watched their part in the Flintstones movie. THEY'RE THE STARS OF A FLINTSTONES MOVIE! Brie's got a rack now. Wow. AJ's facing Summer, who still exists. JBL talked about the Flintstones for a while. Black Widow gets the tap. Sting promo next. BOY THANK GOD THEY HYPED UP STING'S FIRST WWE PROMO SO WELL.

OH MY GOD. You have to be kidding me! They either used a soundalike or processed Sting's voice to no end. Rusev's backstage and Cena tells him he'll prove how much fights America has, leading to a big USA chant. Orton returns to SD. Okay. Axelmania promo was shown after Rusev came out. Axel's tron should be updated for this AxelMania stuff. Axel gets squashed. Well, this sure helped no one. Axel should be getting some low-card wins instead of being massacred. Cena came out. Boy, it sure was easy for Cena to get his finisher on Rusev here. Rusev passed out. They have skipped several chapters in this story. LIKE MY COUNTRY OR I WILL CHOKE YOU TO DEATH! Then he wakes Rusev up before making him tap to the STF. Bray in his Partridge Family bus shirt and the urn cut a promo.


Two white people clapped along to the New Day. New Day threatened a tag title match at WM. LOL @ Cole confusing Kofi and Xavier. CESARO DID THE NEW DAY DANCE. Hah! Thank God Kidd lifted Xavier up for a wheelbarrow or else Xavier couldn't have hit his finisher. Wheelbarrow facebuster thingy looks awful. ZERO reaction to this. Usos came down. Nattie's facing Naomi. This is like hour 1 of an ECW PPV where shit just keeps happening off of one another in a way that should seem organic, but just seems forced.

We come back to Nattie doing a slingshot assbreaker and then a wacky cradle exchange with a bit of slippage for Naomi. Naomi wins by jamming her ass in Nattie's face, then doing it again  for the cover. So now the Matadores are out to face the Usos and continue the parade of geeks. They did some shit before a break and Cole hyped up THE AMAZING ACTION ON THE APP. Cole said the big news tonight was New Day winning, which JBL buried him for. Can't say I've heard this many boos in a face vs. face match before. USO CRAZY dive led to near-death due to a bad catch. Bull distracts an Uso and a Matador gets YET ANOTHER WIN TO NO REACTION. Orton-Seth recap from earlier. Cole did a bizarre '60s Batman voiceover for this. They cut this off in the middle of Seth's promo before Seth and the goons were in the back and Jamie told Seth he can't trust him.  OH THANK GOD A THIRD BRAY WYATT PROMO TONIGHT.

Bray's mid-ring. He says a bunch of words about government and Taker being taken out on his shield. Bray opens the urn, sells it for a sec, then cackles and says it's hollow. The urn smokes, the lights go out, the rocking chair is back and then Taker cuts a tron VO while lightning strikes the chair. I dug everything about the showy parts of this. The Man Comes Around will seemingly be used for either hype vids or Taker's theme.


Recap of Cena-Rusev leads to them JUST NOW mentioning a post-show Cena interview. AT 11 PM, Roman came down to the sound of silence, followed by the heels. Orton short-armed him. Sting can now call Seth a dumb, gullible fool. He double-birded him which was off-camera. BIG DAWG SPEAR WINS! Orton slaps him around and talks shit. Orton is doing such great work here. NOW WHY WASN'T THIS DONE ON WEEK 1? He's lost tons of momentum. Orton then squashed this motherfucker deader than dead. He's an idiot and a jobber. Seth got beaten up for eons in the crowd. Seth got cut open on something - he's got blood on his back. "I HEAR THOSE VOICES, BABY!" Draping DDT on the floor. AMAZING flight over the table there for Seth. HHH is salivating over the bump Seth could take for the Pedigree. THE TABLE BROKE ON THE RKO! AMAZING!

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