Monday, March 16, 2015

WWE Raw 3-16-15

Orton-Authority recap video with Cole rattling off a ton of weird lines like Orton WEAVING HIS WAY BACK INTO THE FABRIC OF THE AUTHORITY. Authority B-team are mid-ring and Rollins, WHO WAS BEATEN HALF TO DEATH is of course totally fine. What happened last week was BETRAYAL. No, not the Game Boy Color game. Orton missed four months for a pair of curb stomps, and yet Orton is COMPLETELY FINE HERE. Tonight's own recaps of this feud are hurting what we're seeing now. Mercury looks at least 45 with this super-fake tan going on. Show was nearly in tears being goofy here. He's at least having fun with this. Show said more words and then Kane said some words while mocking Show. Loved Show's DAMN RIGHT HE WILL while Kane said Orton would pay. NOBLE SAID HE WAS THE SECRET WEAPON OF THE AUTHORITY! Mercury couldn't even say anything about how hurt he was. Poor guy.

TWELVE MINUTES IN, Seth got to the point - he accepts Orton's WM match. If this was Lucha Underground, we've had have at least one exciting match by now. I AGREE TO FACE YOU AT THE BIGGEST STAGE OF THE YEAR, BUT FIRST, I WANT A MATCH ON A RANDOM RAW. Seth is really a horrible businessman. Orton sure is getting his revenge on these guys by saying words. He'll face Seth tonight in the main event, and if he gets beaten down, that makes WM sweeter. Orton is perhaps the only babyface in history looking forward to getting his ass kicked tonight. They hype up a CONTROVERSIAL interview with Brock tonight. Every interview is called that. AJ faces Nikki next.

WM hype vid.  Cole got the start time of WM wrong, so he was buried for eons. AJ and Paige's asses look fantastic here. This commentary is several kinds of God-awful. They go to a break after an iffy headscissors takedown. We come back to a post-break armlock - so it's at least not a chinlock. Booker talked about all women hating each other while a match theoretically went on.

LL Cool J hyped up WM as spectacular, leading to them talking about WM being four hours long with a TWO HOUR LONG PRE-SHOW. Oh Christ. Recap of Henry-Roman on SD. Renee met with Kane and Show, who doesn't have a title yet. Seth came in and bitched at them, and Kane told him that only Steph can talk to them like that. And now the Authority doesn't get along. Ryback's out in a red and white getup that isn't quite awful. Six month old Shop ad here. Ugh. Cole made an absolutely terrifying face.

Truncated recap of Ryback killing Miz on Raw. Miz cut a promo on Mizdow ensuring his win. Mizdow has to win this battle royal, right? Nevermind - Miz lost twice, so he might be winning the battle royal. Amusing bit where Ryback held Miz so Mizdow could hit him. Mizdow fans him, but eats a Finale. Cena-Rusev hype. IT'S PERSONAL AND PATRIOTIC! Nice hype video that gave you last week's story, but really made Cena look like a prick without providing the context of the Fastlane match. US Title contract signing time.


I like the half-and-half table setup here. Cole alerted Cena to the fact that the document in front of him was a contract - thanks, Cole. Cena's fighting Rusev, Rusef, and Rusov - CAN HE OVERCOME THE ODDS!? Cena said this contract was a declaration of independence. "The Bulgarian Suit" Rusev came down looking fantastic with some dude behind him. A WHERE IS LANA and WE WANT LANA chant broke out. The state of the Russian accent on this dude. Booker and JBL burying this guy live on-air. Rusev signs and Cena MAKES AN ANGRY FACE when the flag drops.


New Day is mid-ring mid-carding it up. Kidd and Cesaro cut an amazing inset promo burying the clapping. E chucked Kidd with a belly to belly. Kidd sacrifices himself for his partner - what a great team of friends. Cesaro ate a dropkick from the bull. So now the Matadores are faces again? Bray-Taker recap leads to ANOTHER BRAY WYATT PROMO LATER. Brock promo next.


Cole hyped up the promo, BUT FIRST, Sting-HHH video game promo since the DLC is free this week or something. J and J quit Seth. We're missing SEVERAL PARTS OF THIS STORY! They talked about Roman-Henry. Cole threw to the CANDID AND CONTROVERSIAL comments! Brock was put on this Earth to hurt people. It's sadistic to some, but not to him - it's what he does. What's WrestleMania? A day he gets to show up, kick ass, and get paid to so. What's he think about the people who were disappointed he beat 'Taker? He doesn't care. With his contract, if he stays, he'll be WWE Champion. If he goes, he'll be WWE Champion - Roman won't stand in the way of that. If you thought Brock wanting the title was crazy shit, him defending will be even crazier. At WrestleMania, he's going to fuck up Roman Reigns. The end. Amazing. Show came out for whatever he's doing.

WWE protecting Rowan here by having him get his ass kicked, but not eat a three count. Knockout punch. Flying elbow off the second rope to Rowan. Why not do that on PPV? Larry Zbysko HOF video. They actually tell the whole Bruno-Larry story here, but they cut to the crowd for the chairshot. This was excellent - it showed him in the NWA, AWA, and WWF as well as gave you a taste for his promo work and commentary. Kane's in the ring with geeks for an Andre battle royal preview. Henry came out and stood tall. So I think he was a face here.

Cole hyped up the first ever 6-BEING INTERSPECIES TAG TEAM MATCH on SD. 6-Being Interspecies Tag Match? Why couldn't WWE get more money for their rights deal again? "Brock Lesnar isn't coming to WrestleMania to make love. BROCK LESNAR IS COMING TO MAKE WAR! WAR!" Heyman says that what's gonna happen when Brock violates the rules? They gonna cut the show short? "YOU CAN'T BEAT BROCK LESNAR IN THE MAIN EVENT AT WRESTLEMANIA!" but the BIG DAWG CAME DOWN. Roman said people think Heyman's been talking trash, but he hasn't been. He's been hyping him up. A GIGANTIC Daniel Bryan chant broke out.


IC Title geeks 6-man tag rematch is up next. But first, Renee met with her annoyed guest at this time, Paul Heyman. He invited Roman to go to Raw next week to talk to Brock live. Barrett doing the pec dance amuses me greatly. "The most popular star in WWE now has a spot at WrestleMania!" kinda sums it up. They talked about the turd promo a ton. Faces get the edge before a break. Dean gets a tornado DDT to Harper. Booker talks about Dolph being what he always does and stealing the show. WHAT!? Booker talked about J-izzle before JBL corrects him. Cole talked about Matlock for a bit. Harper gets a powerbomb and 2 for another break. Barrett has Dolph in the post-break chinlock. Just what this match needed - a post-break chinlock spot and more bad commentary.

Thank the lord above, DANIEL BRYAN TAGS IN! Dean comes in and gets a running punch takedown thing for 2. Bull hammer turned into the Dirty Deeds for the win. Hey guys, remember when Truth just handed the title to Harper? Yeah, this was has that - but a fan has a Young Bucks sign in the background. It's okay for Barrett to job again though - he knocked guys out with a bull hammer. And a fan held up a YOU'RE A TURD sign between Dolph and Bryan. The 7 man ladder match just seems weird. JUST ADD GOLDUST TO THIS FOR GOODNESS SAKE. Give him a payday, an IC Title match, and a great match to go out on. Steph talked to HHH about things while Seth exposited about his woes. Steph, OF COURSE TALKS DOWN TO THE TOP REGULAR HEEL IN THE COMAPNY. Why is Seth talking like Tiffany? HHH then cut Seth's balls off. Steph re-cut his balls off here too. GREAT SEGMENT!

 Rusev-Cena contract signing recap. Bray-Taker recap went on for a bit, but showed a lot of last week's stuff without logos, so that was nice. We also had a full screen shot of The Man Comes Around graphic and Taker. Bray responded to it with a promo behind a red and gold urn. Bray had the ashes of the chair in the urn...I think. He poured them on his hand while music played. BRAY'S PROMOS ARE NOT WHAT I NEED WHEN I'M TRYING TO STAY AWAY AT NEARLY 11 PM!

WWE FACTS ABOUT WWE BEING AMAZING! Brock and Roman go face to face, and next week, SNOOP DOGG AND BILL SIMMONS WILL BE LIVE! Orton's out and Seth says it was all a ruse. Big "WE WANT STING" chant breaks out. He fights side by side with Orton and hits a Stinger splash to the goons and a death drop while a HUGE Sting chant breaks out. AWESOME!


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