Sunday, April 26, 2015

WWE Extreme Rules 2015

The Kickoff panel has Renee, Byron, Corey, and Booker. Corey gets the line of the night with
"Byron Saxton is feeling rebellious! HE MIGHT GIVE JAYWALKING A SHOT!" Byron does THE WORST "NEW DAY" bit imaginable. His clapping has no rhythm and he didn't even do the "NEW-DAY" bit right. Seth-Orton video package. I like them taking logos out of the video here because WWE really does shoot things well sometimes, and the logos all over the place hurt that a bit. They've now edited the curb stomp off of the WM finish - so yeah, that's a bit much. They banter on a bit and we get a graphic saying "STILL TO COME - KISS ME ARSE!" like that's a selling point of this show. I like that Byron's tie matches his Kickstart can.

Naomi heel turn recap leads to Eden asking Naomi why she turned heel. She says she's not out to fit a mold and wants to take what she's earned. Dean-Harper recap leads to Dean running into the panel and saying he's out to kick Harper's ass. If he's out to make himself Chicago's new "guy", cool. They could really make him the city's new adopted son here.

Tough Enough clips. RENEE'S DRESS MATCHES HER KICKSTART CAN! X1 Network crash during THE BIG DOG-Big Show recap. Recap of Bray saying words leads to Bray saying new words. Commentators are at ringside and Cole is excited while King is scared - yup, that makes sense.

Barrett comes out and says that Bryan isn't cleared and it's because of him. Barrett says he's the UK's version of Michael Jordan. It's 2015. Tying the Bulls into the Bullhammer would work better. THEMANTHATGRAVITYFORGOTTHENEWSENSATIONNEVILLE came down. Neville gets a bit NXT chant and Cole rattles off his NXT facts. JBL says Barrett has a bag full of bull hammers. A bag full of bull hammers? So he's the English Bull Hammer Brother?

They do nothing for a while until Barrett whips him into a barricade for a break. WWE Network hype. Boy, this is a really long video and Show would've made a bad boxer - he was really slow with his punches. Thank God, a post-break chinlock. Make that a LONG chinlock. Neville fights out, but eats a big boot. Wouldn't want him looking too good or anything.

Neville comes back and gets a flip dive to the floor. Cole is astonished that the Winds of Change didn't win. Neville escapes Wasteland, but jumps into it for 2. Enzuguiri leads to a Red Arrow, but Barrett trips him up. High kick in the corner takes Barrett out and the Red Arrow wins. Fine little match here, but nothing spectacular.


Cena-Rusev hype. Booker T gets a big chant to close out the kickoff. WWE, the most controlling company on Earth, hypes up Extreme Rules with a "follow the rules" lampooning video. Cena-Rusev, Show-Roman, and the main event get hyped up. TONS of buffering here. Dean's out sans jacket for the Chicago street fight opener. Dean tosses him around the barricade area. Harper is chucked into the steps leading to AMBROSE GETTING THE TOYS! Maybe a wand massager will explode in Dean's face and make him lose. Harper suplexes Dean onto the chair. They talk about goats and baseball for a bit. Wouldn't want to get all the stars over or anything.

Harper gets 2 off a snake eyes into a chair. I'm reasonably certain I'd enjoy this match without the commentators pointing out the flaws of each guy. Dean gets a tornado DDT. Rope-assisted chaos from Ambrose. Diving standing elbow gets 2. Buffering. Somehow, Dean is on the floor with him now. Now they're fighting by the LED board and the feed is still shitty. They fight to the back and Dean attacks him with another kendo stick. This is literally like No Mercy now. Harper steals a truck and Dean hops in. Crowd boos like crazy. Cole's insight is something else. THAT'S A ROAD THAT TAKES YOU TO A STREET!? WHAT IN THE FUCK KIND OF WIZARDRY IS THIS!?

The crowd uses this dead time to chant CM PUNK!...and then we go to HHH and Kane backstage. HHH of course tells Kane and Seth to do what he says. "They talked and talked and talked and talked and talked. And the fans chanted boring." JoJo announces the kiss me arse match.  Dolph's out first, then Sheamus is out with a recap of his beatings. Loving Dolph's near gear - he actually looks like something resembling a top guy. They fight to the floor and Dolph jumps up the steps and tornado DDTs him on the floor.  Sheamus is a strangely obsessed Irishman who wants men to kiss his ass and is confused by fans liking smaller guys...hmm...Fameasser countered into a sitout powerbomb for 2.

Sheamus gets a chinlock, but Dolph fires back with punches and a stinger splash before being taken down. Cloverleaf by Sheamus. Dolph's left ribcage is all bruised up. Godfuckingdammit can JBL shut up forever. Nothing but "backside" and kissing noises here. Sheamus hot shots him and gets 2 off a tilt a whirl backbreaker. Back and forth nearfalls lead to Dolph getting a small package and the win. So after about nine million years, Sheamus low-blowed him. The best part about this was the #Sheanus sign. Oh, and then Sheamus gave himself a wedgie and made Dolph kiss his ass.

The five million year Network video aired. There's apparently a new KOTR tourney that is having a round or something on the Network. New Day's out to mild boos. THE BRASS RING CLUB IS OUT with Nattie in a new, hotter catsuit. Kidd and Kofi start. Buffering and when I come back, Cesaro is tossing Kofi around. Kidd gets a middle rope flip dive. Fun stuff with Big E and Kidd. Cesaro comes in with Kofi and gets gorilla pressed snake eyes! Loved this bit where Cesaro slingshots him, Kofi hops up, and Cesaro catches him for a perfect tilt a whirl backbreaker.

Cesaro plex>elbow gets 2. E tags in and hits the spear to the floor to Kidd. Big Ending DDT gets 2 thanks to Cesaro! Trouble in Paradise countered into a sharpshooter! E runs in for an overhead belly to belly! SWING TIME DROPKICK HITS! BUT KOFI GETS A DISTRACTION SCHOOLBOY FOR THE WIN! THE POWER OF POSITIVITY PREVAILS!

Panel said some words while they recapped the kickoff show. New Day talks about how this is the DAWN OF THEIR NEW DAY! NEW DAY/NEW CHAMPS...and Dean and Harper are back in the interview area and Dean jumps on the pile. Harper goes out to the arena and Dean jumps off stuff onto him. Dean loves his multi-chair spots. I remember a super-fun SD street fight with I think Cesaro involving this same giant pile of chairs. Harper gets a powerbomb on a  chair for 2. So Harper's plan is to throw himself onto a pile of hard metal objects. Good plan. Dean gets up and he slams him onto the that's any worse than Harper's actual plan, I have no idea. Dirty Deeds gets the win. Minute long recap of a five minute deal.

Russian chain match is next. Outstanding recap of the feud airs. I love how epic Cena's title reign already seems one month in. I dig the wrist cuff having the Russian flag on it. Not digging the lights in the corner.  In case you're too stupid to know what the GIANT BRIGHT GREEN LIGHT MEANS, here's JBL to explain it. Cole adds that red is for Rusev. Great. Gotta love them taking a fairly simple stip and adding needless things to it. Rusev strings Cena up using the chain and kicks his ribs. Outside-in suplex for Rusev. Rusev counters an AA with clubbering.


Cena comes back and smacks Rusev's head into the post using the chain. So hard to believe Rusev's only been on the main roster since last year's Rumble - he's such a perfect semi main event act, basically in the Umaga spot. Rusev comes back with the chain and whips his back with it. Great bit with Rusev tapping 3 lights and then Cena staying on the floor and on the ropes, resulting in Rusev lunging his hand forward. Rusev doing this reminds me of Homer getting closer and closer to...something using a broom and this exact same pose.

Lana chant results in Rusev sending her to the back. HA! Protoplex hits. Alabama slam from Rusev. Cena takes him out with a chain-assisted STF, but only gets to 3 lights. Accolade without a chain is on. Rusev gets 3 lights thanks to Cena, but "THE REF WAVES OFF THE LIGHTS." Now they get 3 and ONE CORNER REMAINS! Cena gets an AA and, this was fine. The lights and the overall goofiness of that concept and the commentary hurt this. American flag drops for Cena while Cole talks about how you might not like Cena when he comes in, BUT WHEN THE NIGHT ENDS YOU LOVE HIM.


EXTREME MOUNTAIN DEW KICKOFF ad. THE BIG DAWG talks about being thrown into a taxi and GETTING BACK UP. Tonight, he'll GET UP and be the last man standing. Joy. Divas match is up. How dare the Twitter graphic cover up Nikki's ass. NAOMI'S NEW INTRO IS THE BEST THING EVER! It's her doing wacky things while wearing wacky shades. Shame she's basically stealing Sasha's act though.


Naomi's shoes alternate between green and purple while Nikki goes for a Rousey armbar. Naomi gets a chinlock. Naomi gets an elbow drop for 2. They do moves while Brie yells COME ON NIKKI over and over. Nikki hits Cody's disaster kick for 2. Brie kicks Naomi out of nowhere. Why? HOW IS SHE A FACE!? Rack Attack wins. Rusev yells at Lana for a bit and she goes into The Authority's office. Roman-Show is up. Oh joy. Recap video goes on for eons. Holy fuck is this an awful video.

Show's out followed by THE BIG DAWG, THE LEADER OF THE ROMAN EMPIRE! You'll never guess, but Roman starts with PUNCHES! Lariat over the top. Roman gets a table, but Show kicks him gently in the tummy. Roman gets the apron kick with Show standing ON THE FLOOR - SO VERSATILE!

Show punches him in the throat and he's down for 5. Roman wears him down with a chair. Roman DDTs him on the chair. WE WANT TABLES/FROM SOMEONE ELSE should become a chant. Knockout punch. Roman counters a chokeslam into a Samoan drop through a table. BIG DOG eats a spear and the world's shittiest Vader bomb. Christ was that ever an all-time bad Vader bomb. Vader at 60 did a better one on Raw. Idiots chant "you still got it". Roman racks his balls up top resulting in a great cry of anguish.

Show gets slammed off the top. Two Superman punches, but Big Show chokeslams him over the top through two tables. Nice video game spot. "ROMAN SAID HE WOULD KEEP GETTING UP!"
"REMEMBER GUYS, ROMAN SAID HE WAS GONNA KEEP GETTIN' UP, KEEP GETTIN UP!" He got up. Show puts two sets of steps up next to the announce tables. Roman avoids the corner spear, so Show sends himself through a table...also like a video game. Spear from Roman hits, but Show rolls to the floor.

Spear through the timekeeper area that we see nearly weekly. They get up and Roman climbs up on the table, then fights off Show. Show just standing around for a while for...reasons...and eats a spear from the English table through the Spanish table. THAT ISN'T THE FINISH. Instead, Roman pushes the announce table on him. LOL @ that stupid finish. They went from one stupid, but visually impressive one to...that. HEGOTRIGHTUPHEGOTRIGHTUPHEGOTRIGHTUPHEGOTRIGHTUP and didn't really shine all that much.


Orton and Kane exposited about their history for a while before a #groundbreakingrealityshowtoughenough video aired burying their fans. Bo came out to kill time. Thank God they haven't spent a month of TV time building up oh...the PTPs vs. any other team on the roster. Ryback came down. Okay, I'd kind of chuckle if Bray came out to save his brother here. Ryback's gear and overall look is so awful now. He's in blue and yellow with black and red. Shellshock. Well, that got the show a couple of minutes closer to the grave. Didn't even further Bray-Ryback. Or start it, actually. OH GOD THE NINE HOUR LONG WWE NETWORK VIDEO AGAIN. There's a Roman Reigns WWE 24 thing next week.

They run down the week. On Tuesday, we'll get a live KOTR tourney out of nowhere. Such a waste. Rusev meets with Byron - Cena vs. Rusev will end at Payback in an I Quit match.  I hope we get a big white flag graphic for that. Why are we getting a wacky cowboy song for this match's hype video?

I love that Kane, WHO DEBUTED BY TEARING A DOOR OFF A CAGE DOOR, is in charge of the cage door here. I'd love it more if this was actually part of the storyline. Payback's only three weeks away - why not use that for the KOTR finals and make that seem at least important on paper instead of doing a one night tourney out of nowhere? Orton's out and Seth comes out with no goons and with the title on his shoulder. Seth's theme loops at least once - it's really short and not all that good.

Seth avoids a cage bonk with some punches. Seth may not have to worry about the RKO, but he does have to worry about a sodium deficiency according to JBL. Uppercut from Orton. They go back and forth doing moves for a bit. They fight on the cage for a bit. This is a mechanically-fine, but boring match. Super powerslam gets 2 for Randy. Seth goes for a tights-holding schoolboy, but it only gets 2. Kneeling superkick gets 2.5 - that would be a far better finish for him.

J and J come down to help Seth down, but Orton pulls him back into the ring. Superplex off the top of the cage. Kane scares J and J away from the door. Orton tosses Seth into his cage-climbinig goons and gets an exploder. Draping DDT off the top. Orton fires up, but GETS THE PEDIGREE for 2.9. Well, that's going to be a key story point in the Seth vs. HHH match buildup. Seth avoids a punt and gets a flying kick.

Cage door is open and Orton gets the 3.0. Kane shuts the door on Orton, resulting in a HEY from Cole. Kane is knocked down and Seth tries to dart out. Kane does the door smash onto both guys. Kane comes in with J and J, who get chokeslammed. Kane chokeslams Orton...and then Seth. Seth puts his hand on the chest and gets 2. RKO to Kane, but Seth gets one to Orton and goes to the floor. Well, this was a match with a billion things in it that formed a loosely-connected thing resembling a match. Now let's recap EVERYTHING KANE DID. They replayed Seth's RKO since they nearly missed it before. WAHOO - RAW IS SEMANTICS tomorrow.

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