Monday, April 13, 2015

WWE Raw 4-13-15

Raw is taped from the UK, so I'm sure we'll get a double decker bus on the stage, jokes about fish and chips, and maybe something about Mr. Bean. WE GOT A PHONE BOOTH AND AN OLD TYME LONDON CAR MAGGLE! Cena's out to a glorious JOHN CENA SUCKS singalong. Cole is back and sounds just fine. JBL asks "How's your neck?" Well, he's moving it around just fine and doesn't have a brace. What a badass Brock Lesnar turned out to be. Cena says he'll get heat, but LONDON DESERVES WRESTLEMANIA. Now with this, he gets cheers and a yes chant. Cena's starting things off with his challenge. LOL @ SUPERSTARS appearing on the tron before Barrett came down. Man is the VQ dreadful tonight. Big match intro sets up a break and the match happening after. Good start.

JBL buries Barrett for sucking up while Booker talks about how Barrett didn't defend his title at all times unlike Cena. Love the fans counting along with the rope knees from BNB. Cena gets the shoulderblock, but there's no one in the pool for the second one. Barrett misses a corner charge and gets dropkicked and hit with a crossbody. Cena gets the protobomb and the fistdrop for 2. BNB avoids the AA and hits the Winds of Change for 2. Man do BNB and Cena have great chemistry - hard to believe it's been nearly FIVE YEARS since Barrett was a main event-level guy. STF, but Barrett gets the rope. Superkick to the gut hits and sets up a knee Alberto-esque kneeling superkick. Boo/yay punches lead to an Alarm Clock in the corner from Barrett and Wasteland gets 2.5. Barrett rushes in for the elbow, but the AA counters and gets 2! IF they choose to, they can remake Barrett as a top-ish guy again thanks to this. BULL HAMMER HITS off a charge, but only gets 2.5. I like that it was just a standing shot. Springboard stunner hits as does the AA and they zoom right into Cena's bald spot.

YES LANA AND RUSEV! Lana distracts Cena while Rusev attacks with a chain and she says that the Authority has granted them a Russian chain match - so he can lose, but still only have one pinfall loss. AT EXTREME RULES, I WILL EAT YOUR HEART! JBL talks about Cole suing Brock and Cole says it's a private matter before running down that tonight, both Seth and Orton will have MYSTERY OPPONENTS...and then he says who they are right after. Way to build suspense. Also, a LAW shirt made air. Bellas come down for the divas battle royal - winner faces Nikki at ER.

Nikki goes for a very tits-forward dress while Paige the megastar comes out. Bellas say words about NIGH-OMI and bury Rosa. People are just being eliminated left and right here and no one cares. DOUBLE SHE CALLS THAT THE REAR VIEW! Down to Naomi and Paige as the Bellas talk about how the rear view doesn't smell good. Paige kicks Naomi out. Love the crowd singing Paige's theme - it's easily one of the best in the company. Great little touch with Paige having Union Jack Doc Martens on.

We see Big Ben. Can't wait for JBL to talk about how BIG SHOW'S BIGGER THAN BIG BEN! Paige talks about winning the divas title on the day after WM and teaming with AJ to win her first-ever WM match and now she gets a title shot thanks to a match in her home country. She talks about being in carnivals and high school getting paid five pounds just to make it to WWE. She says that she's in front of her dad, her brothers, and it's HER HOUSE. Paige is such a star - and it helps that she's already got a grizzled-vet story despite being so young. Naomi attacks Paige. The boo machine goes crazy here. And then Bray says words. Bray Wyatt did indeed say words about something and/or someone. I like his face of fear graphic - I'd make it my phone's wallpaper.


Lucha Dragons are mid-ring to face The Ascension. LD get a minor entrance while the Ascension gets nothing. Booker outright says they've cooled off. Kalisto starts flying around and then things get good. They've got something with him. He's nowhere near Rey in '96, but he could be the closest thing they could ask for in a replacement. SDS>Swanton wins. They plug the Network - the big thing about them reaching high numbers is that they become the new on-air base. THE BIG DOG IS NEXT.

Cole thanks Fall Out Boy for "Irresistable" being the theme for ER. Cole is looking forward to Booker's conversation with Roman now. Booker asks Roman what it's like to have his dream ripped from him. Crowd chants "SUPLEX CITY" and Roman says he went there, and it hurt! HE MADE BROCK LOOK DIFF'RENT! HE COULD HAVE! HE COULD HAVE! HE HAD PUNCHES TO THROW. Well, obviously - he has nothing else in his arsenal. He CAN beat Seth, so that means HE WILL become WWE Champion and Booker BELIEVES. Booker blames Show for Roman not getting a title shot, resulting in a  "Thank you Big Show!" chant. Show calls Roman potential that will never be - hey, much like him! Roman says he'll retire Roman and Show attacks him by tossing him into the LEDs and into the LONDON CAB. Crowd chants "please retire!" All of these people chanting PLEASE RETIRE at Show HAVE seen him work and realize he's still about 50 times better than Kane, right? Now they're chanting "We Want Balor!" Show chokeslams Roman and his singlet/girdle on the car. I dug this a lot.


Recap of Show further killing THE BIG DOG! THE BIG DOG got up and went to the back on his own. Orton's out to face Cesaro in what should be a good match. Collar and elbow tieup leads to corner uppercuts from Cesaro. CESARO OVERTAKES ORTON WITH A CHINLOCK! Double duck on the apron leads to a lariat and Kidd getting Orton wins by DQ. Well, that sucks. Kane comes out and says The Authority is back - but they didn't want to come to London. Kane says he can't allow this to be a DQ since it involves the WWE Title, so he'll make it a handicap match. Heels run wild for a few seconds before a break. Cesaro attacks in the corner before Kidd tags in for 2, then Cesaro's back in pounding on Orton. Kidd comes in and eats some offense while a graphic says that all of the first year of Attitude-era Raws are on the Network! Nice!


Tyson gets the flying elbow for 2. Springboard blockbuster is met with an RKO for the win. Orton poses and they do a smash cut to the heels watching this on TV. Seth says he won't be facing Dolph tonight - instead, he'll face Jamie - who says that Kane made the match tonight and the match last week. Kane threatens testicular electrocution and then after a century or two, Seth tells Kane to lay down for him. Kane appearing to have a thinning head of spray-on hair is so hilarious. Ad for the Warrior DVD preview on the Network after Raw.
Adam Rose went from having gear to having Hollywood Hogan gear to apparently stealing Jimmy Valiant's latter-day gear. He's facing Dean Ambrose. Rose gets 1 off a spinebuster and Dean runs wild with punches and chops. Lariat and Dirty Deeds wins. Kane calls HHH to help. Show talks to Kane about how he KOed Cena to join The Authority. Oh yeah, that. SHOW SAYS HE'S BEEN ON BOTH SIDES! Hah!

The WWE App has been downloaded 18 million times. Fandango gets a jobber intro against STARDUST of all people while Booker says he looks like someone out of The Wiz. Reasonably-sized "Cody" chant breaks out. Fandango, in jobber-riffic white with red trim gear gets a spinkick. Disaster kick hits for the win. They say Fandango has lost his focus and the fans chant his theme. He says he's been sharing his gift of dance with Rosa, but he SHOULD BE SHARING IT WITH THE WORLD! Fandango's a face and FANDANGOING IS A THING AGAIN. Also, he has a chance to be over again! Bryan meets with Kane over...something. Bryan tells Kane that he'll lay down and do what WCW did. More WCW burial. WWE did this EXACT SAME THING and THEY DID IT BEFORE WCW DID.

We see Tower Bridge and a US Title match recap. Cena will respond to Rusev's attack on SD and defend the title there too. Seth's revamped music hits for what would presumably be the main event here at 9:56. Hell of a WWE Champion. Seth comes down and Kane's worried because Kane's taking his jacket off, so he wants a fight. Kane slowly lies down and kicks out at 2. JBL once again buries WCW despite WWE DOING THIS WITH HBK AND HHH. Kane shoves the goons out. Kane uppercuts Seth down. Love the WE COMIN FOR YOU ZIGGLER sign. Kane chokeslams Seth, but puts Seth on him - so he shows that he could've beaten him - but did the right thing in the end. I dug the story here - Kane turning face with this at some point could work.

Mizdow walks backstage for seemingly another match with Miz. MizTV recap. Miz came down and folks were about to pop because of course MIZDOW IS STILL USING HIS STUFF. Or at least was as of SD. Nope, he's still got everything Miz I guess it's just being done to mock Miz. Summer looks kind hot despite being in the largest pair of shorts in human history. JBL calls her a gold-digger and Cole says that SHE IS A MOVIE STAR! Several centuries are spent removing garments. Cole asks if the match began and Booker said it did, then Cole buries GI Bro and Booker says it's America's Greatest Hero. Cradle win for Mizdow. PTP buries New Day and The Ascension and have now added Los Matadores to the act. They use a rainbow teddy bear and DY says "rainbow is his favorite color" because of course he did. They bury the Matadores for being Puerto Rican bullfighters! THEY'RE CALLING IT EXTREME DECISION AKA stip-picking will be the real main event. Coke ad with "WHILE YOUR TONGUE IS YOUNG" as a tagline. Well, that sure won't become an out of context meme.


Ryback's out to face Harper in another 50/50 rematch. Harper gets the superkick for 2. A light CM Punk chant hits while the crowd largely dies. Part of me really wants to see Ryback in New Japan for the comedy of it. Harper attacks Ryback with THE HOOD OF THE ANNOUNCE TABLE, which is now a DQ. Dean's out. Paige-Nikki is hyped up, so they of course show Naomi attacking Paige. Naomi's cleavage is interviewed by Byron, and she says that she beat the champion twice - WINS AND LOSSES SHOULD MATTER. She buries the idea of AJ being a legend and cut a damn good promo here.


Dolph's out for his non-match while the commentators wonder why he's out there.Cole also plugs Little Caesars because WWE is now brought to you by the pizza you get when you find spare change in the couch. WWE's trivia  deal was about who was a Hart cousin - it was does someone win like a free $5 pizza or something? Why not make that an app thing? Neville's out. The Man That Gravity Forgot versus The Man That Pushes Forgot. Neville outwrestles Dolph to start, but Dolph gets a dropkick. Neville does flippy-dos to the opposite corner for a boot and a standing moonsault for 2. Dolph gets the spiking DDT for 2.
We come back from a break to some matwork and some amazing stuff on the floor - LIKE A 450 OFF THE BARRICADE! It gets 2. He flips out of a German and gets a kick, but eats a superkick for 2.5. Other than them doing the 20 minute in spots 5 minutes in, this has been fun. SSP misses and he's posted and Zig Zagged. This was basically a video game highlight reel of a really good match. Sheamus jumps Dolph and Neville. Dolph fires back, but eats a brogue kick. Show-Reigns recap. Main event will be talking and it's next.

Warrior Network stuff plug. Cole once again plugs HHH's Tough Enough announcement returning in the why do an announcement if you're going to all but announce it here? We're cordially invited to talk about #extremedecision. JBL is puzzles by a La-Z Boy chair being mid-ring - so it must've appeared there out of nowhere. I love Seth getting the big chair and an ottoman while J&J get tiny chairs. The Attitude Era podcast gets a shirt plug right behind Seth. Kane apparently relieved himself...of his duties tonight.

Orton makes an amazing silly face when he lays eyes on these goofballs on the chairs. Seth's stipulation is to take out the a match with no rules. Orton bans The Authority from ringside...via a steel cage. Shouldn't Orton want that cage to have a roof on it to really prevent them from interfering? One moron keeps yelling "SETH'S A COWARD!" He did moves to the goons, then RKOd Mercury.

Screens -


  1. Can u do this week nxt and get a lot of screen shots of the new next diva

  2. Oh and the match card pix for next wee the triple threat divas match

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