The show begins not with a PPV recap, but a King of the Ring one. So odd to see a KOTR recap instead of a PPV one - if you didn't watch the PPV, you'd have no idea what this was about because THEY DIDN'T ANNOUNCE IT BEFORE THE PPV. Generic Raw intro sets up pyro. Such a shame Seth still has Generic CAW Theme #5. Seth said words until he annoyed Kane saying that he won BY HIMSELF. He thanks his soldiers, and says Kane is the best one. He's the cryptkeeper...whoops, he didn't mean that - that's a relic from the '90s. Kane is the gatekeeper and he kept the gate so good. Kane says he'd rather be WWE's crypt keeper than WWE's Justin Bieber. Orton comes out. So now Seth is Catwoman AND Justin Bieber. Wouldn't want the World Champion to be taken seriously or anything. THE BIG DAWGGERNAUT is out!
Whichever ring announcer was there said "King. of. the. Ring" like Taryn did on ECW. Dolph cut an inset promo on Sheamus - there's going to be PAYBACK. Boy, and there's a show named Payback... Barrett said we'd see KING BARRETT...so we won't. They do some moves for a minute before a break. Riveting TV. Post-break chinlock from Barrett. This is exactly like every other Barrett-Dolph match ever. Wacky bit where Booker says he was a king from England. They talk about, of course, HOW MANY HALL OF FAMERS WERE KING OF THE RING. Bull hammer is ducked, leading to a superkick and Sheamus distracting him. Since Dolph is a babyface and thus a moron, he lost via bull hammer. All right, so we're getting Ambrose vs. Harper in the semi-finals, and Barrett-Dean in the finals. Love the New Day showing someone how to clap.
Xavier and E are the champs here. Love Xavier being a former TNA and WWE Tag Team Champion. They finally did something about that third clap by making it "New Day Rocks!" Kidd's facing E here. Big E goes down after an apron kick and springboard dropkick. Big E lariat wins thanks to Woods holding Tyson's foot down. Chain match pics. Ryback's out. Please for the love of God, start this Ryback-Bray deal now. Ryback vs. Bo, who he killed last night. And here i thought they were just killing time tonight.
Bo takes control...well, didn't see that coming. Booker buried Bo for being fat and Ryback hit his two big moves and won. FINALLY, Bray Wyatt appeared and hit him with Abigail to a nice pop. Cena's open challenge is next.
Cena says that he wonders what Lana did in 10 minutes in the Authority's office to get another title shot. Yada yada yada. If Cena quits, he will have disgraced the title, THE UNITED STATES, AND ALL AMERICANS. Also, if Rusev wins, Cena will never challenge for the title because he doesn't deserve it. Slater's new gear is great...so why does he still have the 3MB theme!? Rusev attacks Slater and kicks him off the stage. Lana comes out and waves and gets bullied. Jesus, Raw's only 1/3 over. Kane talked to Seth about using the WWE app to vote between Roman, Randy, or Randy and Roman in a triple threat match. A TRIPLE THREAT MATCH IS THE LAST THING HE WANTS!? Welp...
Truth's out to face Stardust in leather pants. As king, he'll get rid of all spidas. Stardust came out and has added more wacky mannerisms and monikers to his persona. Jesus. So now, we get the semi-finals and finals tomorrow night - so even as of earlier today, things have changed. Booker compares Cody to Ali's name change, which JBL goes on and on about. I maintain that the wrestlers shouldn't bother taking a single bump if the commentators aren't going to talk about anything going on in the match. Now Booker is talking about the Flintstones. Stardust did a cartwheel and squatted next to the ropes. Booker asked just why he was doing this stupid shit. After some kicks and cradles, Truth won with the Lie Detector forearm.
WWE Network Week was rundown - they should always be doing this. Fandango's out and Booker's talking about how EVERYONE IS FANDANGOING...but no one is shown doing it. JBL talks about the Rosebuds being "luchas". LOL @ Cole losing his shit over "boy, she's hit skid row." Rose won with a distraction Party Foul. Riveting television here. Rosa cut a longer promo than she should cut at about 25 seconds. Rosa and Fandango made out mid-ring while Fandango was disgusted.
Brie is strangely elated for this promo talking about her husband's career possibly being over. Brie. talked about. Her husband. Having his. Cinderalla moment. He loves WWE. More than anything. else. Only time. Can tell. But they are so. grateful for. the WWE Universe. Naomi attacked her. Jesus this show sucks.
Kinda chuckling at the implication there that Brie is tougher than Bryan because she's medically cleared and he isn't. Brie's facing Naomi. Brie Mode knee and dropkick hit. Naomi gets a wacky small package and wins clean, unlike Nikki did last week - so wouldn't that make her the defacto face here?
Dean's out and Cole said Dean stole a truck...um, no he didn't. Dean said as king, he would ban taxes on ale and ban pop country. JBL says he likes Shania Twain here in 2015. Sheamus wants to make every man in his kingdom kiss his arse. Okay then... Sheamus grinds away on the mat and avoids a dive for a break. Sheamus gets a post-break chinlock. Stuff. Sheamus misses a charge and hits the post. Sheamus gets the cloverleaf. Diving elbow gets 2. Dolph jumps Sheamus, who advances as a result.
Recap of last week's Miz-Mizdow thing. I'd forgotten about Miz saying A STAR WILL BE BORN. Well, that was a lie. Sandow said he'd never lie to fans, and three years ago, he had a bathrobe and thought he'd enlighten everyone. He was told he wasn't entertaining enough. Recap of him being a goober. "Let's make him a star...but first, let's show him being a geek for months on end." He's not sure where he's going...which leads to Axel.
Don't worry guys - he MIGHT be above Curtis Axel! Axel can't stand impersonators. BWAHAHA - GET IT, BECAUSE HE'S COPYING HULK HOGAN! Sandow impersonated him. Christ, this is literally Full House-level humor. AND THIS ACTUALLY GOT THE CROWD GOING. That's how bad this show has been. Sandow is basically just doing a mentally challenged impression here - there's no other way to put it. Elbow of Disdain leads to the legdrop. Sandow has a new theme - it's opening-match rock. New Day face the ex-champs in a title rematch on SD.
Tough Enough burial time. They begged fans to please shoot in landscape mode. It's THEMANTHATGRAVITYFORGOTTHENEWSENSATIONNEVILLE Harper wants a throne of barb wire - his reign of terror is coming to WWE. LONG LIVE THE KING! This has potential! Neville dropkicks him off the apron and lands an off the apron rana. Post-break chinlock leads to Neville getting a top rope Asai moonsault. Running powerbomb hits and gets 2. Half nelson suplex hits, but Neville gets a high kick and Red Arrow for the win. At least they're putting over his finisher strongly.
BIG DAWG comes down, then Orton, then the heels. JBL rambles on about how Heath should be an option for the title match and says that if you download the app, HE'S STILL TALKING. Verne Gagne has apparently passed away according to Mean Gene on Twitter. Everyone does moves and occasionally, they're called. JBL's going on about how unfair a triple threat would be.
Kane got 2 off a clothesline to Roman. Seth comes in, gets schoolboyed, and hit with a Rampage powerbomb. Heel miscues lead to the babyfaces hitting their finishers and Orton beating Seth. Triple threat is chosen and Roman hits a cheap spear. Boy this show sucked.
Screens -
http://www.imagebam.com/gallery/qsavvofrcuqlv4nyj45efm04vdx5lscb
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