I actually don't mind Cena winning the title at Fast Lane - it will make that title seem really important for a bit, and Cena losing to Rusev at WM works way better for Rusev in the long run. Lana says Cena's got the same old rhetoric and his problem is that he lives in a delusional world while they live in reality. Rusev doesn't need USA CHANT, he will destroy Cena and HIS LITTLE WIN TO LIVE WILL BE CRUSHED! RUSEV AND LANA DO YOU CAN'T SEE ME AND IT'S ON! Cena and Rusev have fantastic chemistry together - it's kind of like Cena and Umaga. Cena hits him with a lariat and slams him into the tron like he had done to him last week. Cena gets some mounted punches on the ramp with Rusev's leg hilariously draped on the tron. The US Title program is PPV buys.
They recapped the Rusev-Cena thing. They plugged the SNL 40th anniversary show to have Dean Ambrose do Weekend Update. I'm going with the idea that Dean stole this suit from a homeless guy. He was not Chevy Chase, and his suit was horribly oversized. He beat one IC Champ in Axel last week, and tonight, he'll beat Harper. They start off with LUCHA HARPER on the mat, which rules. Muta elbow hits before some chops and body shots. We return from a break with a Harper chinlock. Dean gets a knee to the gut and the body check dropkick before doing the flying standing elbow for 2. Swamp Chin Music hits for 2.5. Nigel lariat is avoided and leads to a Black Hole Slam for 2. Dean ducks the lariat, gets a schoolboy and then the rebound lariat and hits the Dirty Deeds for the win. Commentators are rambling a ton. GOD CAN THEY JUST HAVE SILENCE FOR HALF A SECOND? They just keep saying words over and over to ensure there isn't a moment of quiet. Recap of Sting-HHH. HHH RESPONDS TO STING'S NON-STATEMENT!
HHH meets with Kane to say nothing of note before Show comes out and argues with Kane again about Tag Team Turmoil. HHH called them immature and Show talked about May 13, HHH told these idiots to shut up. HHH wants SOLUTIONS tonight, not excuses. Bray is backstage with a nail and talks about what happened to "you" being horrible. He pities Taker now - so Taker's winning. The Dusts argued before a skinny, shaved-headed Dusty came in looking like Hell. He told them to unite, they did. Well, that's a waste of Dusty for a promo. I guess they didn't trust him with a live mic since he might go off-script again and be compelling. I'm sure Cody's turning officially tonight, but wow should they have done more with Dusty.
New Day needs to be renamed the Dead Push. Stardust did a goofy jog next to Goldust. Booker talks about having issues with his own brother for 6 years. "The Brisco brothers, the Funk brothers"
"Yeah, but they weren't brothers." Not a good night for Booker. They all do moves and then the Disaster kick nearly hits Goldy, but Stardust ducks afterwards and Kofi kicks Goldust for the win. Goldust slumps down when Stardust lifts him. They hug and I'm sure they'll have him do his finish here. Nope. Cross Rhodes. Kinda surprised Stardust didn't just hit him with whatever his finish is called since it's basically a falling hug. Roman talks about beating 29 guys, having to beat the Yes Movement, and then having to face The BEAST! Roman and Byron exchange Generic WWE Words. Roman says that Bryan owes HIM for his chance to go to WM. Well, he's a dick. Bryan's out and got a nice pop. Kane's facing Roman next.
On the app, Dusty talks to Stardust, who buries "Cody", Dusty, and Goldust. Cody was a beautiful disaster, but space is beautiful! CM Punk chant during this. Cody said he considered his father dead. Well, this was a thing. They run down Raw with Roman and Bryan and tag team turmoil. THE 2015 ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER, THE SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR came down. WITH DANIEL BRYAN ON COMMENTARY, BOOKER IS WONDERING WHO COLE IS GOING TO TALK TO. Jesus Christ. JBL says that Bryan couldn't defend his title, and Bryan says that he had one less title defense than Brock - so he shouldn't have been stripped of the title. Semi-valid point there. Cole says "the yes party" is distracting Roman. "Did I do that or did Roman just allow himself to be distracted?" Bryan is saving this. Love Booker thanking Bryan for being back to save WWE's workrate. "I would not dare disrespect Roman Reigns - THE BIG DAWG!? COME ON!" Daniel Bryan is saving WrestleMania via commentary - it's amazing. Oh yeah, the match. Reigns wins with a spear on the floor for a countout. Countout? Goddamn it, I SENSE A REMATCH!
Bryan talked with Renee about Roman cracking with a few yes chants, and how he'll crumble at Fastlane. Bellas steal Paige's gear, Cameron says girl bye, and Paige grabs something from a Rosebud. The stakes here were that Paige MAY HAVE TO CANCEL HER MATCH TONIGHT...against someone...for nothing, or wrestle nude. Summer's mid-ring and they talk about the WM reading challenge. Paige grabbed a little pink dress...and her regular black shorts underneath. Thank God the rose bud also had Paige's gear too since that's underneath the dress. I approve of Paige using Stacy's intro. Summer tells Paige to stay down...and she does for a legdrop. PTO gets the win while a fan holds up a Wai Ting sign. Bellas come out and she just owns them. Paige is so great at all the little things. Seth's backstage to face Dolph next.
Sheamus accomplishment recap video, so it seems like he's coming back for a main event-level push. Seth talks about Presidents Day being a celebration OF THE PAST, and he's the future and nothing can stop him. Seth says he'll take over The Daily Show and run for President when he's not even old enough to run. Christ, Dolph's hair looks God-awful. Dolph says Seth looks like he had a bad Valentine's dad - maybe J and J got him the wrong chocolates, or maybe Steph put him in the car seat a bit too tight, and I guess this is their way to reference the pics without actually doing so. Seth vs. Dolph for the case at Fastlane would actually make sense, so maybe this will just be a setup for that.
They go to a break and come back with Seth having Dolph in a post-break chinlock. J and J gets tossed out and Dolph gets tossed into the barricade. VIGILANTE STINGER SPLASH leads to a Rude Awakening and the heart stopper elbow for 2. Corner stomps by Seth. Superkick to the gut sets up the stomp, but Dolph avoids it, superkicks him, HITS THE ZIG ZAG. 1-2...JOEY COMES IN! Great fuck finish there. The Big Guy and the Big Vintner come down to make the save. I liked this because Dolph was made to look strong - hopefully it leads to a one on one match and not just a bad six-man tag. HHH responds to Sting NEXT.
The Fastlane kickoff has MizTV with Heyman...no thanks. HHH came down and Cole talked about how WWE tried to get Sting for years, but now he's here in a way HHH doesn't want. What a fantastic babyface video for HHH here. He's sacrificed everything for WWE, BUT THE VIGILANTE TOOK HIS JOB AWAY! HHH called Sting out and he didn't want a back-fighter. They showed the fake Stings in the crowd and seemed to make it REALLY clear they were fake, but didn't do that for the mid-ring bump part. Nice barber pole tie on HHH here. HHH said that the parlor tricks won't work. HHH hypes this up as WCW vs. WWE, so you know Hunter's winning. Flair came down and said "LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, I LOVE YOU AND YOUR WIFE!"
He sure is slurring a lot. Flair tells him to not take Sting lightly and don't put himself in the position to fail. HHH puts over the punk blonde kid face Flair for an hour at the Clash, he became the Icon of WCW, and WAS and is WCW. HHH says that while ALL THE RATS LEFT WCW, HE STAYED ON THE SINKING SHIP AND HE DISAPPEARED. Thank God he did too, or HHH would've run him out. Well, he did that for Goldberg. HHH says that Sting's legacy was built on Flair's reputation, it pissed him off, and now Sting's trying to take WWE away from him and HE IS WWE! He's the heel here. I know it's shocking. Flair takes a long journey to get to the point on how HHH is the best WHEN HE'S IN THE RING, but he's not full time anymore. HHH says that no one's better than Flair, but no one's better at kicking Sting's ass than he is. WHAT!? Flair tells him to not sit on his ass, leading to HHH shoving him down and HHH cutting a hell of a promo about how WWE is the most important thing to him besides his wife and kids AND HE IS WWE. This was a bit ridiculous, but entertaining. They plugged Cena on Parks and Rec.
D-Young teaming with Generic WWE Game CAW here. Ascension dominate for a bit BEFORE TITUS COMES BACK TO HELP! YES! PTP REUNION! Well, this was a pleasant surprise. They're far better off together than separated, so this is a good move for both. If I was Slater, I might not want to pick up my phone for a few days though. Barrett meets with Miz about something involving Ambrose Mizdow. They plug the Network preview of the Shield DVD. Critically-acclaimed documentary? So is it new or just the Network one? Mizdow's down and apparently, the story is that Miz is hiring Barrett to destroy Mizdow or something. Despite that, Mizdow is still helping Miz out. JBL is rambling about soccer for some reason. JBL talks about Dusty having a new book out "50 Shades of Hay". Mizdow gets offense and Miz tells him BELL MEANS STOP! Miz called him over to buff his shoes. Mizdow's tits are bigger than Naomi's. He goes for the Finale and Mizdow uses the bell, distracts him for a bull hammer. BOY DID THIS MAKE THE IC CHAMPION LOOK GOOD. Dean attacks him and zip ties his hands to the post. He gets a pen from Booker and has his contract. I love that he "signed it" with his DA logo and then used BNB for Barrett. Bray hammers a nail into something - metaphorically a coffin, and maybe actually one since they showed something that looked like that for a second.
Sheamus video re-airs. Naoimi and the Uso she's married to face Tyson and Nattie in the first ever husband and wife vs. husband and wife match. I should care about this more than I do since it's leading to a Kidd/Cesaro title match, but I'm not feeling it. Brass Ring Club now gets generic black shirts and hoodies. Naomi and Nattie did a thing resembling a collar and elbow tie-up. Nattie shook her ass. Kidd does a cool punt and then tags back out to Nattie and they do a double dropkick down spot. Tyson doesn't want to get in and Nattie gets cradled, eats a 2, gets 2, and then she loses - so it's her fault. The crowd made no sounds for any of this. Bryan-Roman recap. IT'S THE BIG DAWG! THE JUGGERNAUT! THE POWERHOUSE! THE SUPERSTAR OF THE YEAR! THE 2015 ROYAL RUMBLE WINNER!
Dolph-Seth is set for SD, but THE HOBBITS are banned from ringside. Big Dawg isn't out for commentary, he's just off to the side - so they have no confidence in him on the mic. JBL buried Bryan on commentary and put over THE GIANT THE BIG SHOW. Show beat down Bryan and Reigns was smirking. Prick. Bryan fights back with knee kicks. I love me some Bryan-Show. Show chops and slams him, but eats a Bryan chop. THE HEEL JBL put over how Roman isn't interfering here. JBL called Bryan a farm animal, and when Bryan gets a sleeper, Roman gets up and stretches. Roman's now just signing autographs. THIS CHARACTER IS A COCK. Roman takes selfies with the fans while Show escapes. Kneeling kick combo to Show leads to Show grabbing the leg on the buzzsaw and chopping the chest. Roman takes more selfies for an ad break.
We came back with SHOW DOING A POST-BREAK CHINLOCK. Big corner chop from Show got a boring chant from one guy - fuck that guy, this match rules. Bryan got a gulliotine choke and did the Benoit pullover the ropes. Roman handed out merch. Bryan sidesteps Show and he goes into Reigns. Show takes a nice flip bump for the dropkick to the knee. Chain of corner dropkicks tease a chokeslam, but he gets the Yes Lock. Show gets the ropes but eats a big kick for 2. Superman punch to Show gives Show the win by DQ. Bryan hits the missile dropkick on Roman - well, he deserves that. They had a damn good match even with this angle hurting things.They've really hurt Bryan and Roman. The former's character has been really hurt badly, while Roman's character never really got established and has just been killed by this writing. They basically have a short match to close the show. Refs separated them after more fighting and the fans chanted let them fight. Bryan POINTED TO THE SIGN to calm Roman down. Nope, more fighting. Bryan gets the dive and then fights him a bit more. Well, they basically had a match here - a short one, but one with spots, a story, and even crowd brawling. Bryan hit him with a chair and Roman nailed him with a forewarm. Cole said IT'S ALL ABOUT WRESTLEMANIA, IT'S ALL ABOUT FASTLANE! Well, which is it? Roman's mouth got all busted up here.
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