Monday, July 21, 2014

Raw 7-21-14

After WWE Dishwater underwhelmed last night, and Lana's promo caused a shitstorm because WWE wanted one while having some plausible deniability, Raw is going to be kind of exciting tonight in theory. The Fast Five credits theme is hilarious. DIS HOW WE ROLL. WE ROLL LIKE DIS! Oh yeah, we get Flo Rida tonight on Raw. Lots of Brock signs in the crowd to start. HHH, who wasn't on the PPV, starts the post-PPV show. HHH is going to name Cena's opponent for Summerslam tonight - well that sure comes out of nowhere. Cole said that you can talk about this with #kingofkings REALLY!? HHH IS VERY MAD TODAY, HE IS MADDER TODAY THAN HE'S BEEN IN A LONG TIME. But he has options! HE'S GONNA TWEET HIS DISPLEASURE! HE MIGHT EVEN SEND AN INSTAGRAM OR A VINE! AND BY GOLLY, IF HE AND HIS FRIEND MARK DON'T GET WHAT THEY WANT, THEY'RE GONNA RIOT! HHH said he's patient, and he can wait four weeks to ensure - nay, GUARAN-DAMN-TEE that Cena won't be WWE Champion. Orton bitched about being owed a one on one rematch - IT'S DAMN TRUE! HHH said he's the front-runner, but the whole roster will be able to pitch their case. I can't wait for Ryder's skit - Woo woo...NEXT! Orton said he would have won if Kane had done his job, leading to Kane coming out and saying HE KNOWS HE CAN BEAT JOHN CENA! He's tired of BABY-SITTING, leading to Roman coming out. Women going nuts over Roman here. Wow. Roman buried Kane-Cena or Orton-Cena 9000 - everyone wants Cena-Reigns! Roman shoved Kane. Great schoolyard shove there from Roman there. HHH made Roman-Kane/Orton RIGHT NOW. So Orton causes Kane to lose then. They showed the Superman Punch - it was that and not a shove. Damn they did a shitty job of shooting that before.

Roman and Orton punched. Then Roman and Kane punched. Kane hit some shitty back clubs to set up PUNCHING. Kane hit a slow basement dropkick leading to a nerve pinch. According to JBL, KANE IS ALL MUSCLE! BWAHAHA! Reigns got some control and they went to a break. VINTAGE POST-BREAK HEADLOCK brought the show back. Kane comes in. PUNCHES and a corner clothesline from Reigns. Sliding rev-up kick from Reigns to Kane. Thanks to one fan's Tweet, they tried to get The Roman Empire over as a thing. Randy abandons Kane, leading to a Superman Punch and a spear for the win. Bray will be a guest on the Highlight Reel. Bray should not be on these goofy things. THE HANDICAP MATCH TO END ALL HANDICAP MATCHES IS COMING! It's 4-on-1 against Nikki - there's a gangbang joke in there somewhere. Wasn't there a 6-on-1 match?

BATTLEGROUND WAS THE MOST SOCIALLY-ACTIVE SHOW ON TV! Oh, that chick I couldn't remember was Rosa. Wow has she done nothing in her career. Nikki has a new Fearless shirt. IT'S BRIE! In the crowd. Okay then. Steph blamed Brie for what Nikki was going through. Brie called her a bitch, and Steph told her to sit down. Brie then got a mic, because you can do that, and STEPH IS A VINDICTIVE BITCH! God that was shit - and the match hasn't even started! Alicia won with an axe kick to the back. They rolled Nikki out, and she must've popped out of her top because they went to a black screen. YAY IT'S BO! He's facing Sandow as Lebron again. They had a nothing match that peaked with Sandow saying "CLEVELAND, I'M COMING HOME!" and eating a Bodog for a loss. Cole plugged Jericho's ROCK METAL BAND Fozzy's new single. It actually seems okay.

WWE STAR SHEAMUS guest-stars on Royal Pains saying GET DA HELL OUTTA MY PEWL! No Highlight Reel due to SOMETHING ON THE WWE APP! Fuck right off with this shit. Thanks for telling us about this beatdown Cole. Sure beats ACTUALLY SEEING IT. Bray ran footage of the App COURTESY OF THE WWE APP! They beat him and Bray hummed. Okay then. Bray babbled like a brook until saying that losing a battle means nothing - WINNING THE WAR MATTERS! AND HE CREATED WAR, MAN! Bray said tons and tons of words before they saw him backstage. Truth had no idea what happened. CLEARLY HE HAS NOT YET DOWNLOADED THE WWE APP - THE GATEWAY TO THE WWE NETWORK! Flo-Rida met with Big E and Kofi because they're all black, and then Miz came out with a revamped intro and basically looking like Sonny Crockett without a shirt on underneath the blazer. He's basically playing what Don Johnson was - a minimally-talented guy who believed his own press.

The first thing we actually see from Battleground recaps the battle royal. Miz in all-black gear doesn't fit the white-heavy entrance getup. Changing the design up with some stars on it would be a little better. They did some stuff before botching a backdrop over the top, and then a flapjack on the post that missed the post. Post-break chinlock brought things back. Dolph hit a couple of Hart Attacks and a backslide for 2. Miz got a shitty Side Effect for 2. Figure four countered into the leaping DDT for 2. Miz hit the kneeling DDT for a 2.9. Miz locked on the figure four for 90 years. Dolph sounds like he's either passing a stone or is experiencing a very painful bowel movement. ONE GUY SHOUTED SU-PER DRA-GON! Fameasser got 2! Camera missed a Zig Zag for the win. We're reminded that MIZ IS STILL THE IC CHAMP. So he's basically aping another part of Tyler's act too. Granted, it's been a wrestling trope for eons, but still. HHH told Seth he's not the guy to face Cena since he's got all the cards, so why show the hand? Cesaro met with HHH. ZERO reaction for Cesaro there. He doesn't want to be a Heyman guy - HE WANTS TO BE HHH'S GUY! We get Cesaro-Ambrose! AJ and Paige team up next.

After the break, they show Paige-AJ clips. Paige and AJ come out. Nattie and Emma are...heels now? Emma hits an elbow and goes YES! They had a fun little match here. LOLed at Paige attacking Nattie with her ass, and tagging AJ in during the sharpshooter leading to a nice shining wizard. Paiged officially turned on AJ afterwards. Paige just destroyed her - IT WAS AWESOME! AND THEN SHE SKIPPED! Fandango came out to face Ryder. Zack gets a Summer Lay - good for him! Ryder's new black and silver gear is awesome. JBL buried Ryder - HE'S A TECHNIC NERD! Ryder was able to eek out a win here thanks to Layla pushing Fandango's foot off the ropes. LOL @ Cole burying JBL's Twitter feed. They recapped Brie being slapped. This is all leading to Brie suing Steph, right?

Flo Rida acted badly with Renee and Slater. Flo Rida may be a worse actor than he is a singer. SHEAMUS FACES RUSEV ON MAIN EVENT! Why give that away with no build? Steph introduced Flo Rida - of course! No one cared about this in the crowd. It's like the TRL-truncated versions of the songs. WHY PAY HIM FOR THIS!? Some people met with Steph. They're cops, and they're arresting her for assaulting Brie. After about 500 hours, a cop yelled about Steph striking Brie. So why is Brie out of the crowd now? Steph was all wacky here. Quite the titty gap on Steph here. This was delightfully wacky.

JOEY MERCURY MET WITH HHH about making his decision. HHH says IT'S THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN...but hey, the lawyer's on the way and his car's ready - once he's got his decision made, he'll get there. THIS WAS AMAZING! Rybaxel are up against Big E and Kofi. According to JBL, STEPHANIE BROUGHT TENS OF MILLIONS OF DOLLARS TO THE ECONOMY! Kofi hit the worst SOS ever - not even cradling the leg, for 2. Ryback rolls through a crossbody for the win. Xavier Woods came out in a Brother Love outfit about how you can't get ahead by being a wacky happy guy. Woods as a militant black man kinda works here - this was the best promo he's cut to date in any company. WE ARE THE NATION! OF EDUCATION!

SD beat TBS. TAKE THAT TED TURNER! Rusev and Lana came out. Lana was interrupted by Khali. Good! Rusev shouldn't be selling for Khali. The guy can't move, so just have Rusev kick him and put him in the Accolade. Royal Pains clip aired. Oh God the state of the acting in this. Stardust spun around with a glitter ball. I HATE THIS. The gimmick is they're both retarded, right? Is Bayley going to join this group? THE FUCKING TITTY MASTER CAME OUT to a huge pop.

Steph recap. STEPH'S RELEASE, EXCLUSIVELY ON THE APP! Cesaro's black and red gear still rules. Authority watched the match, except for HHH - who was on the phone. They had a simple back and forth match early on before an uppercut laid Ambrose out - his glassy-eyed look was perfect. Snap German with a bridge from Cesaro gets 2. Nice running boot to the shoulder from Cesaro. Nigel's lariat got 2 for Ambrose. Ref said "Gotta go Ambrose, gotta go." Cesaro goes for a shoulder throw, but Dean throws him in three times! CHAIRSHOT TO CESARO'S ARM! DQ! Renee asked HHH if he should be with his wife, and got stared down.

They announced Roman-Alberto for SD for some reason. HHH is out for the announcement. Orton came out. Cena-Orton gives me that not-so-fresh feeling. Thank God this isn't the actual match. Roman was like fuck that, and attacked him. Crowd chanted "WE WANT LESNAR!" Heyman came out. Heyman points out that Roman is preventing Plan A in Orton, while Plan B is being taken out by Ambrose. SO IT'S TIME FOR PLAN C! The look of joy on Heyman's face as he brought out Brock ruled. I could really go for Brock just throwing dudes around right now. Heyman called everyone who likes Cena a bunch of pussies. Heyman pointed out that he uses HISTORY TO BACK UP FACTS! He showed off an awesome Streak-Conquering clip. Heyman said that Brock, unlike some, would not accept a title being handed to him - BROCK WILL TAKE JOHN CENA DOWN! Brock looks really old facially. Heyman says Brock takes offense to Cena being called the best world champion of all time. 15 world titles in 10 years - that sounds like something WORTH CONQUERING! I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE GREATNESS OF THE CONQUEROR WHO STANDS BEFORE ME! Heyman deserves Brock's pay for these promos. He has actually possibly toppled Heenan as the greatest manager of all-time - and he's certainly the best main event-level one ever at this stage in his career.

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