Saturday, July 19, 2014

Saturday Night's Main Event - Episode 1 - 5-11-85

Since only some of the shows are available, this won't be as all-encompassing as the Clash series (which I will definitely resume at some point) right now, but it should be fun. The first thing we see is Cyndi Lauper talking with Wendi Richter and Mr. T talking with Hogan - right there, you establish that your stars are on-par with the mainstream celebrities and may actually be bigger since the celebs are window dressing here. They're in the Nasseau Coliseum and it looks packed. Vince says it's the "entertainment and wrestling connection!" yeah, Rock 'n Wrestling worked better. Iron Sheik is out with Blassie and Volkoff to team with Steele against the U.S Express and Steamboat. Captain Lou HAS NO GIANT BEARD. He's just got Sonny Crockett stubble, and it looks awful. Volkoff's trunks are about 1/4 up his chest. Finkel's audio is completely cut out for the US Express's theme - you can see his body moving, but there's nothing coming out of his mouth. THE FACES ALL DID A GIANT '80S HIGH FIVE! Steele is ungulating mid-ring.Vince points out that the key to this is while every competitor is fantastic on their own, tonight they have to work as a cohesive unit - perfect."THE STEAMER" attacks Sheiky baby, and Steele's in his second match as a team with these men.

Steamboat hiptosses everyone. Sheik went over easily, Steele less easily, and Volkoff was basically a barrel with legs. MASSIVE USA chants bring the match back from a break. Steamboat and Barry hit a double dropkick while Rotundo gets an O'Connor roll on Volkoff for 2. Barry's in and sunset flips Volkoff into the ropes. Barry got a lot of height on that. BARRY AND STEELE ARE EXCHANGING FISTICUFFS! The tag champs abandon Steele, who eats an O'Connor roll from Barry to win. I like that - the face HAD to win, but he did so in a way that wouldn't hurt his opponent. THE CHAMPS ATTACK HIM, but he fights back. Lou, his former manager, comes in to calm him down. Lou consoling him with a hug is honestly adorable! Blassie says they attacked because Steele didn't tag in, so Captain Lou gets on his case. PIPER'S PIT IS UP!

The "set" is mid-ring, and it's just a pair of red director's chairs and a carpet that covers about 2/3 of the ring. This is 6 weeks after the heel team's WM loss. Orndorff is attending this meeting in tiny white shorts and tells Bobby THE DUNCE to stand in the corner. Piper tells him to do that after being upset. "ARE YOU A HAPPY PERSON NOW!?" Piper's awesome. He says he doesn't know what it's like to lose, BUT PAUL SURE DOES! Orndorff's hair is perfectly still and it's a thing of beauty. Piper says Paul lost his guts, while Paul says he's drinking his own bath water. He must be using cocaine as bubble bath. Piper says he'll slap him if he wants, but he holds back, talks smack, and then goes for a cheap shot. Paul blocks it, but he can't take on two men! MR. T IS OUT TO MAKE THE SAVE FOR ORNDORFF! MASSIVE "T" chant.

Hogan says that this is what you get on the Pit, and he's got a GIFT FOR HIS MOTHER BROTHER! Hogan says THE POWER OF THE HULKAMANIACS helped Paul Orndorff see the light. OF COURSE IT'S HULKAMANIA. OF COURSE! It's ACE COWBOY BOB ORTON - no Jr., so Vince hated that moniker even then. Orton tries a cast attack, but Hogan fights back with slams. Orton's such a perfect guy to have in there - he can work with anyone, make anyone look strong, and was just perfect in this role since he can do main events credibly. Bob misses a shoulder charge and IT SENDS HIS WRIST INTO THE POST. NO! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! Hogan's biting him! Jesse points out how horrible that is, while Vince says he's not sure. I thought Vince hated liars? Hogan's slamming the wrist into the steps and the post. What a prick! Orton hits a really unique knee drop and he's wearing him out slowly here. Kneeling elbow to the neck of Hogan. Oh no! ORTON'S PUNCHING, BUT HOGAN AIN'T SELLING! THREE PUNCHES, RUNNING AXE BOMBER, FLYING...ELBOW DROP!? AND GETS 1!? I like this - he's taking his usual deal and mixing it up. Orton outwrestles him and gets him set for the superplex. Hogan punches his way out of the superplex before hitting a flying elbow smash to the head and then nailing the big leg - but Piper attacks before a count can be tolled. They attack T and Hogan, and go after Hogan BUT PAUL ORNDORFF MAKES THE SAVE! Vince explains the whole story in about three seconds saying that now Orndorff fought against the faces, but now he's fighting with them.

Moolah's with Gene, and her dollar sign logos are in the wrong direction. Moolah has a paper banning Cyndi from ringside. Cyndi says WHAT HAPPENED AT WRESTLING MANIA where she got choked. David Wolff being involved in this is just bizarre since the whole deal is it's a women's feud for girl power and all that and here's this goober in a sweater next to Cyndi. Wendi's song is a pretty good little replacement for "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". MOOLAH'S PROCLAMATION IS ON A SCROLL! This is great. Moolah's announcement is actually upheld in a rare instance of the heel's action actually working. Cyndi is watching the match on a monitor in the aisle waving to the screen. Moolah flexes. I have no idea why. David Wolff consoles Wendi - now why is he allowed out there? Does he have a manager's license? They do shitty choke spots in the rope leading to a belly flop bump from Moolah. WENDI CHOKES HER, but gets chopped to the throat. Crowd's chanting boring. Wendi counters a slam with a cradle for the win - they ended this as the perfect time given the boring chants.

JYD's out with his mother Bertha for Mother's Day. THE DUKE OF DORCHESTER is in the ring looking like he just got back from an underpass to face JYD. JYD's theme plays while he headbutts Doherty and hits a clothesline. Doherty gets hanged by his hair and screams before threatening a punch of JYD's mother, who doesn't sell this in the slightest. VINTAGE JYD HEADBUTTS. Literally, he actually said VINTAGE. Duke's up top to do nothing but pose, so JYD throws him off. More headbutts from JYD holding him up by his hair. JYD hits a shitty atomic drop. THUMP hits for the win. The crowd is completely dead for this.

Cyndi's MOTHER'S DAY CELEBRATION IS UP. JYD's backstage instantly with his mother and daughter. Sheiky and Volkoff are drinking from pink plastic cups. Blassie's "mother" is here, and maybe 30. Captain Lou sings a poem about his mother in a green and purple shirt. Hulk and "Ruth Hogan" are here. Wendi's got handcuffs on her dress, while Cyndi's with her mother. Or an actor doing a really bad stereotypical Jewish act. Moolah is here in a blindingly shiny silver and black outfit. CYNDI LAUPER IS INSULTING MOOLAH'S FASHION, while Moolah gets in a good line saying Cyndi's mother Katrine is more like latrine. Cyndi bonks her with cake, which gets all over Gene. This was certainly a thing. Jesse said the Pit was the highlight and HOGAN'S WIN WAS CROOKED! HE BROKE EVERY RULE IN THE BOOK! David Wolff gets an associate producer credit, while Cyndi gets a music consultant credit. I wonder if those are listed on IMDB, because they're certainly wise credits to get on a show.

Screens -

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