Thursday, July 24, 2014

TNA Impact 7-24-14

The first 8:30 Cops segment features a parolee stealing a car. Also, BLACK PEOPLE LOVE DENNY'S - AN ABSOLUTELY NOT RACIST COMPANY IN ANY WAY. The second part is a slightly older couple fighting, the guy's father is involved, and it's just a cluster since neither can really tell a story that makes sense. A guy is driving a car with burnt out plates, but he doesn't have his license, and the passenger owns it, but it's in his cousin's name - he's going to be gifted the car. Oh this will be fun. The driver's got a heroin needle on him and a crack pipe. The driver won't let him search, and still won't even when he's told doing so will likely be resulted in it being impounded. His brother needs the car for work, but the guy still won't let him do it. He agrees and there's black tar heroin. Wow.

Aries is shown walking backstage, and the opening video is all about Bully-Dixie. So much for the World Title being the most important thing. Roode's falls count anywhere match with MVP starts the show. The building is still lit horribly and it looks so small. OH MY GOD, there's a fan with wacky blue shades and and attached plastic mustache! A really fat, white tattooed chick is dancing to MVP's theme but MVP isn't coming out. MVP doesn't want to work - okay, why is he in his gear?  Roode goes to the back and they brawl. This is just awkward. There's a good way to do this and this isn't it. They brawl backstage to the ringside area. MVP can barely move. MVP and Roode brawled into an area at ringside that closely resembled the empty area in the Vincent-Stevie Ray street fight. Taz couldn't think of what chairs are called and blamed it on head shots. I guess Bully didn't teach him the "right way" to take them. MVP straddles the guardrail to do comedy spots. MVP hits a low blow and it sends Roode 10 feet into the air like a Mortal Kombat uppercut. Roode and MVP battle over a suplex on the ramp, which Roode executes before King comes out. EY takes him out. MVP nails a couple of chairshots to Bobby. MVP stops to try and kick a chair into Bobby, but Roode avoids it and kicks the leg. Roode attacks BOTH LEGS WITH A CHAIR. Roode locks on the shittiest sharpshooter ever done by a Canadian for the win. Lashley-Hardy recap. The crazy step bump only got one replay here. Hardy's up next to talk. Well, better that than WILL-OW!

They recapped the Bully/Tommy tag from last week. Dixie looked like a grandmother in a backstage interview talking about the 3D/Dreamer 6-man tag tonight. DIXIE SAID SHE'D STAND OVER BULLY'S DEAD BODY TONIGHT. Wow. Tenay's commentary is left channel-heavy for some reason. Jeff came out looking like a walking corpse. They showed two replays of the insane swanton on the steps. Hardy said we haven't seen the end of Willow - which drew some boos. Jeff says he's brought in someone for TNA'S FUTURE. HE'S 3 YEARS OLDER THAN JEFF, HE'S COLD-BLOODED, GOT A GREAT MIND FOR PRO WRESTLING - MATTHEW MOORE HARDY! Matt got a polite applause - he needs a new, non-shitty theme. Matt said their goal as kids was to be tag champs and they've done that. Matt had to fix himself the past couple of years though. Matt thinks that 2014 is THE YEAR OF THE HARDY BOYS! He wants to win the gold at Destination X. Wolves-Hardys should be quite good - well, if it was the Wolves versus the Hardys of around 2007 when they were solid workers in every way, it would be even better. Eddie looks nice. Davey looks ridiculous in a shirt that's a few sizes too big and a skinny tie. Match is on for Destination X, and Aries is backstage teasing that he won't cash in the X Title. Why bother? Really now.

Robbie's back, and the Bro Mans have bright pink and white gear. Great promo work from the Bro Mans leading to DJZ AGAINST LOW-KI!? His black, blue, and white bodysuit matches the color scheme of the show perfectly and freshens his look up nicely. Totally forgot about Low-Ki. God, what a case of a guy being his own worst enemy. Unlike Teddy Hart, this is sad since he's actually ungodly great. Ki Krusher got the win - this was a fun squash. Bram and Magnus face Gunner and Anderson next. Shaw and Gunner joked about Shaw being normal by NYC standards. ANDERSON WAS A COMPLETE DICKHEAD.

EC3, Rhino, and Spud (in blue) met. EC3 said he's from the MEAN STREETS! Dixie brought Mo in to say that he didn't take Rampage out, AND HER CREW NEEDS TO TAKE OUT BULLY'S CREW! Mo's got Dixie's back. This is a tad random, but I loved Rhino's line about a normal street fight having cops and this one not having any. Gunner vs. Bram here is like a mirror match. Magnus hits the Mark of Excellence/Spine Shaker on Anderson for the win. And then they just kept fighting, so why bother doing a finish then? Shaw saves Gunner from being hit with Mr. Turnbuckle. Bram hit him with it a few times, and then Gunner and Bram brawled until Abyss came out. You've got like five angles in this one mid-card deal. Aries makes his decision NEXT!

BUT FIRST we have to hear from Team 3D and Dreamer. They recapped Option C. Wow was the second X Title about a billion times better than the current one. Kurt came out as the "execlutive director of TNA." Aries got 2 sentences in before Lashley and MVP came out. MVP's shiny blue suit is amazing, and he's fantastic at putting Lashley over as a world-beater. A nice chant for Aries broke out. MVP told him to not cash the title in and just stick to flippy-doos. Aries bragged about Option C helping the division. It's true enough - the title means something for one night of the year instead of before, when it meant nothing 365 days a year beforehand. Aries says Lashley's not tougher than him. Factually incorrect. Aries cashes in to fuck with MVP. So...then he did the predictable thing. Aries says if he wins the title, he'll make Option D where the World champ gives the X Champ a shot any time he wants - basically enforcing the old U.S/IC Title is the default top contender - I like that.

We got an awesome recap of the first two Terrell-Kim matches, which were star-making - or at least as much as a match can be now. They recapped the Hardys-Wolves bit from before. There sure has been a lot of talking for a show hyped up as not being about talking. Taryn's out and her rack is amazing. Gail's is pretty rocking too. Gail and Taryn had another really good match. They started off exchanging cradles really quickly, and brought things up a notch with a flying Hart Attack from Terrell and a super arm drag from Gail. Nice corner charge from Gail into the missile dropkick for 2. Double crossbody into each other. A "you screwed Bret" chant broke out in 2014. Snap suplex led to Taryn doing a Moore-style neckbreaker. BPs attacked for a double DQ. Velvet's Misfits pants rule. MUTA IS NEXT!

Dixie talked with SOMEONE. JB, and his face that is as round as Dreamer's is square came out to introduce MUTA! Muta got a really good chant here and has fantastic gear on. Poor guy cannot move at all. Hulk Hogan is honestly more mobile. Robbie E came out to interrupt, and I suddenly wish the TV Title was on him, resurrected, and just killed off so Muta could hold it. Mist, power drive elbow, dragon screw, shining wizard. He got a "you still got it chant". Love him, but he doesn't. Storm's theme has a new whistle before it. Storm called him a washed-up wannabe legend. Storm spit beer in his face and hit Yasu. Sanada ran down with a chair before Storm leered at Sanada and he hit Muta with a chair and mists Yasu! MOONSAULT TO MUTA! Between all of this and Storm looking like Satan, this ruled!

Dixie and Mo chatted with JB in the balcony. The TNA owner is all but encouraging ECW chants. Amazing. Loved her saying that Dreamer's been-a bitchin' and she gave in years ago. Dixie's team came out to EC3's theme, while Dreamer started things off for his team - 3D got their own intro. Spud in his fantastic blue and silver gear were chucked right onto EC3 on the floor. They went to a break to show some clips of Destination X from next week. Cheese grater to the chest of EC3. Unlike at Slammiversary, it got blood here. Trash can lid to the head and an assisted cane shot to the balls to EC3. CAPTAIN SPUDDY ATTACKED DEVON! This leads to the Doomsday Device with Spud attempting to take a flip bump. Dreamer did the E-C-W! basement dropkick. Whazzup time for Rhino. Snitsky debuted with no name as Taz didn't know what to call him. Bully attacked. Dreamer did the White Russian legsweep to EC3. "BIG ZEKE HE USED TO GO BY" debuted. I love the idea of Dixie countering the original ECW with the REAL ECW - Vince McMahon's vision of it. Maybe Steph will give her a retweet. Heels won, and Zeke and Snitsky looked really fat in the black hoodies. Snitsky looks like Big Show now with a giant beard.

Screens -

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