Thursday, July 17, 2014

TNA Impact 7-17-14 - NYC Debut

Pre-show Cops has a guy resisting arrest, a guy on a bike trying to get a 12 year old to leave her mother, and the kid's dad has a stick ready to beat the shit out of him. The guy is a registered sex offender who hasn't registered his new address. The final thing is a guy who's drunk getting into a fairly nasty wreck and getting KOed as a result. Both the driver and passenger are old, hurt, and are going to be airlifted out. Wow. She's awake and talking about how her husband just wanted to speed. Pre-show hype vid showed clips. THEY FUCKING SHOWED THE SWANTON STEPS BUMP BEFORE THE SHOW! The actual hype video was fantastic - showing Jeff doing a ton of cool shit during his TNA runs and making the match seem at least somewhat epic. Kurt says that the six-sided ring separated them from the past before saying the talent did that as well. Did that, not does that - did that. Speaking of the past being better than the present, Taz is in the crowd to cut a promo. He's still an awesome promo. ECW got a huge chant. Taz saying that the TNA roster has the same look as ECW's roster is hardly good since so many are dead, hooked on pills, and/or look like absolute shit like Balls. Bully and Dreamer are out...Jesus Christ, this is like watching the WWE Network - only instead of a well-told story for Tyson Kidd, we get guys reliving their glory days. Can't wait for Tommy Dreamer to talk about scoring four touchdowns in a single game at Polk High. Bully wants to grab wrestling by the balls tonight, while Tommy...has a Twitter logo and his Twitter handle on his gear. EC3 and Rhino came out to shut up the old guys. Rhino's "DON'T YOU BOO THIS MAN, HE'S A CARTER!" is glorious. AFTER 11 MINUTES OF TALKING, TOMMY DREAMER IS TIRED OF TALKING! EC3 and Rhino face Bully and Tommy next.

It's...just a basic tag match. How odd since they're basically doing an ECW theme here and the crowd wants tables. We've had more ECW references tonight than TNA. Tenay talks about Bully and Tommy's history there, and how EC3 was barely a teen when it was around. Taz said the six-sided ring gave the wrestler a new playground. Oh boy. I love Tenay calling Rhino a sellout when Tommy's got a Twitter logo on his gear. Spud's ready for Halloween with his Brightly Colored Tuxedo. Dreamer's the square face in peril here. Dreamer's got both a shirt and a girdle on. The crowd chanting YOU CAN'T WRESTLE at EC3 while Dreamer's in the ring is hilarious. Bully gets a hot tag and runs wild before...tagging Tommy while he's still in the ring. This counted for whatever reason. Spud distracted him and he got beat by an EC3 schoolboy. Well, I approve of the result. They showed MVP's crew backstage before Angle met with Aries in a really dirty, dingy hallway. Aries is in an X division gauntlet next, and he's also "one tough kid" at 36.

TNA hyped up EARL HEBNER'S I SCREWED BRET SHIRT on their ShopTNA ad. OF COURSE! Christy's cleavage introduced Aries. This is a title gauntlet BTW. Aries and Eddie Edwards starts this off with an ROH chant. Christy did the countdown, but didn't actually call Manik down to the ring. Aries did the corner dropkick to Eddie during the backpack stunner attempt to Manik. Davey comes out and throws the tag belt on the ramp before helping Eddie and allowing Eddie to do a flying knee off the top to Aries in a back breaker. TOTAL ELIMINATION WITH A CHOP instead the spin kick - nice. DJZ flew in and did a sunset flip causing a sunset powerbomb German suplex thing. Rana takes out DJZ and Manik. Uno and Steve came in after the break. Sanada comes in with the springboard chop and then a basic jumping one - I love that! Crazzy Steve ran all six ropes to confuse Uno, then threw him out. So I think he's a heel now. Then he got kicked out by Eddie and Davey. Sanada takes out the Wolves. Now it's a one-fall match between Sanada and Aries. Aries hit a fantastic suicide dive to Sanada into the guardrail. Tope con Hilo leads to the Last Chancery. Crowd chanted for him to tap, but he gets the ropes. Taz said Sanada has an easy win here since he was the last guy out while Aries was the first. Sanada asked the crowd for about nine hours which side he could moonsault off of. Aries stopped him - good, he took ages! Sanada avoids the kneebreaker>back suplex and nails a nasty Tiger suplex. Moonsault misses, and leads to a running discus elbow to the face, back of the head, corner dropkick, and brainbuster for the win! Aries asked for a handshake and got one. Bobby and EY met in a very blue area to discus their match later. They apparently have a match later. They're facing Kenny and MVP. Storm chanted for Sanada that he's a loser and told him to fight back while kicking his ass and saying that both Muta and Sanada are frauds. I really don't get this angle. Dixie is back.

Clips of Bully putting folks through tables in TNA are shown. Jeff Hardy was asked what made him want to come back as Jeff Hardy while MVP's theme blared. MVP is in black, purple, and white gear with a gigantic brace on his right knee and the sleeves back on the gear. MVP's got a sponsorship deal with Chono's clothing line - or he's at least giving it a free plug on his gear. MVP looks like absolute hell right now. He's got the greying beard, gear that doesn't quite fit because he can't work out, and he's moving around IN THE RING ON CRUTCHES! EY's got new blue gear, has appeared to gain 20 pounds of muscle, and he's also darker than Kenny King. Roode's Bully-ish mohawk is terrible. At least he's back in short trunks. Taz said there's no crying in baseball. Or excitement. OR MOVEMENT! EY sells a phantom shot from MVP on the apron before Kenny does the Macho Man neck snap. MVP tags in and he's...trying. Hulk Hogan could outrun MVP right now. Taz said MVP is built like a boat. Or a bull, as he clarifies. WHEN HE'S IN NY, HE BUTCHERS THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE! Taz said the crowd will go BANANA if Bully puts Dixie through a table. Glorious. Roode is so wasted in TNA. I wish WWE would sign him just for the Sting match. MVP comes in and gets locked in crossface. Kenny saves. MVP hits Roode with a crutch and he gets DQed. MVP and Kenny attacked them with crutches. TURN OFF THE CANNED HEAT MACHINE FOR GOD'S SAKE!

Muta will be in NYC next week to respond to Storm's attack on Sanada. Brittany and her generic theme were mid-ring before Madison came out doing some weird medidating intro. I like Brittany telling her GET OFF OF ME! Brittany's new look is a five billion percent improvement over the old one. Nice armbar in the ropes from Brittany. As the commentators say a billion ti mes, it's a no DQ, no count out match. Madison takes a backdrop on the ramp as a piledriver counter - ouch! Tenay recapped the whole deal being that you shouldn't meat your heroes, leading to Taz agreeing and Tenay saying that happens 90% of the time someone meets Taz. Nice floatover snap suplex from Brittany gets 2. I can't get over the one wacky face Brittany keeps making. She just looks so ANGRY at all times, it's awesome! Brittany threw Madison out like she was a child, and then rolled out and appeared to bonk her head on the post. Crowd chanted Kirstie Alley at Brittany. WHAT!? Nice kneeling boot from Madison gets 2! Voodoo Drop gets 3 for Madison! It's 10:19 and they're saying the main event was next. So that means tons of filler. Speaking of which, Dixie says that Bully's all bark and no bite, which she's all bite. Okay then.

Kurt met with Aries to tell him he has to decide on whether or not to cash in the X Title for a world title shot - and he has to do it by next week. Hardy came out and the ballroom looks awesome with all the wacky lighting going on. Lashley starts things off with intense throws before going for a shoulder tackle in the corner. Jeff got the boots up and went for a Twist that was countered into a proper corner charge from Lashley. Jeff moves the steps, but Lashley whips him onto them. Fucking ouch. Hardy avoids the kneeling backbreaker drop leading to Hardy getting a flying clothesline. CM Punk chant breaks out. Whisper in the Wind hits. Hardy gets his headscissors countered into a powerslam attempt, but Hardy turns it into the Stunner Twisto and then the regular one. SWANTON GETS 2.9! Jeff bonks him into the steps a few times before the suicide swanton onto the steps! The SOUND OF THIS was vile and he bent the steps. Spear hits and gets 3! Main event ends at 10:43. Angle was backstage to set up THE REAL MAIN EVENT - DIXIE CARTER TALKING! After Jeff just did THAT, the show closes with Dixie saying stuff. Christ.

MVP bragged with his crew backstage, while Angle was pissed and made MVP-Roode next week in a street fight. What an asshole Kurt is. Rockstar Spud as a Halloween Creamcicle is glorious. Spud called Dixie THE MOST POWERFUL WOMAN IN WRESTLING! Spud as Steph's assistant would be so awesome. Dixie came out arm in arm with both EC3 and Rhino, which was a pretty amusing visual. Dixie buried New York and did a terrible accent. Dixie fumbled over her words saying the fans were "bratch". Dixie got a chant that threw her off. Okay, she did bury Dreamer for crying. Dixie said there's nothing you can check off in the star column for Bully, and he's a C-rated star at best. Yup - that's a thing you want to bring up on this show. Bully and Dreamer retorted by bringing out a DIXIE table. They clear out the wrestlers in a second, then take a couple of seconds for Spud. A giant YES chant broke out. EC3 saves her. The heels bail, but EC3 gets cut off by Devon and they do the WHAZZUP headbutt. Devon, thank God, grabbed the EC3 table. They hit 3D and both Spud and Dixie lose it - that was glorious, 99% of this sucked.

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