Monday, July 28, 2014

WWE Raw 7-28-14

With all the TNA stuff going on, I really don't care about Raw. Maybe they'll announce Devitt's signing, but they've yet to even do KENTA's. The show-opening video focuses on THE REAL MAIN EVENT ANGLE - the Bella drama! OVERLY DRAMATIC MUSIC! This is so bad, it's good. Okay, the Hunter bit does make this amazing. And then there's Brock in clip form kicking Cena's ass from 2012 to hype up the 2014 match. Well what the hell, might as well just act like that's the build for this match. Cena's out. The top two world titles of the past 50 years are just jewelry. Cole's "WE WANT TO STIR YOUR INTEREST INTO WHAT'S GOING ON AT THIS MOMENT IN RAW!" was so smooth... Cena said Plan C was the man he hoped it would never be. Why? HE BEAT HIM! "THE MEMBERS OF THE WWE UNIVERSE! THOSE WHO GET TUCKED IN AT NIGHT, AND THOSE WHO DON'T!" Fuck. This. Promo. Why. Is he. Talking. Like. This!? Cena wonders what could happen to the title!? IT COULD BE JEWELRY! Paul Heyman saved this just by saying his name is Paul Heyman. Heyman says HE'S GOING TO BE VICTIMIZED! Rock and Roll Express sign too. Heyman says no one's heard from Taker since WM. Brock's not just going to F5 Cena and pin him, HE IS GOING TO VICTIMIZE JOHN CENA WITHOUT MERCY! After Summerslam, Cena won't be champion - he'll be beaten, victimized, and CONQUERED! CENA WANTS TO TALK REAL. Amazing. Cena brought up ECW chants. YAY MORE ECW CHANTS IN 2014! Cena says that HE HAS PASSION, BUT BROCK DOESN'T HAVE HEART! HE'S HEADED TO SUMMERSLAM AS CHAMP AND WALKING OUT WITH THE SON OF A BITCH! Cesaro comes out to hug Heyman. He said he's not with him, but Heyman's his friend. Cesaro insults Cena's K-Mart shoes. I'M SURE THAT'LL MAKE THEM HAPPY. What a burial of WWE too since they just said K-Mart was low-end and they were overjoyed to be partnered with them. And Cena can't wrestle either. Cesaro-Cena is the opener.

Cena "outwrestled" Cesaro with a shitty monkey flip and chinlock. Cena's rana is genuinely terrifying. Proving that Cena can wrestle is just showcasing his weaknesses. The TNA roster should start tweeting about Raw tonight. Might as well try and get on the Twitter crawl. Cena takes Cesaro out with a shitty clothesline/running punch-ish thing. Saying that Cena can't wrestle just to have him go out "and wrestle" has backfired terribly. Predictably though. They came back with flying tackles but Cesaro hits a DDT for 2. CENA'S CORE STRENGTH counters the swing for 2. Batista bomb gets 2. DEADLIFT SUPERPLEX GETS 2! Cesaro counters a flying tornado DDT into the swing and then a weird ankle lock/Edgeucator combo! Protobomb! Fist drop. Cena rolls through a crossbody for an AA that is countered into the lifting uppercut for 2.9! They traded boots and Cesaro went back up, but ate a SUPER AA FOR THE WIN! This got really good after the break, but was basically every other match they've had minus the Super AA. That finish will likely be used at Summerslam to tease a nearfall, making this match a major part of the story if that happens. Steph told Hunter that she couldn't GO BACK THERE - she can't stand her daughter's looks anymore. Stephanie...acting like a total babyface here. Orton's pissed about not being in the main event - well, the poster shows Brock-Cena, so yeah, that ain't happening. They yelled about all of the important plot details. If Orton wants his shot, he needs to take Reigns out. BUT HE CAN'T DO IT TONIGHT BECAUSE REIGNS FACES KANE. WHY!?

THE NWO TOOK OVER THE WWE NETWORK PLUG! Paige and her ass skipped down to ringside. Paige said she's young and MIGHT HAVE crossed the line last week. AND SHE'LL NEVER ACT THAT WAY EVER AGAIN! AJ called her a Casper-looking crumpet. AJ said Paige has been wanting the divas title her whole life. She worked her entire life for a title that's been around for six years!? Paige said she was crazy. Aw snap, SHE CALLED HER THE C WORD! AJ attacked, and this was pretty good stuff.

The Authority is out. They recapped the jail stuff with some terrible audio mixing. HHH IS STILL ANGRY ABOUT THE JAIL THING! Nice jailbird chant. Steph's charges were all dropped except the assault charge. They've invited Brie here to put things behind them. Steph kind of spoke into a mic about Brie coming down, BUT JERICHO DID INSTEAD! Jericho the rock star showed up looking all dapper. Jericho expressed sympathy for Steph by singing the Cops theme. COPS - AIRING RIGHT BEFORE IMPACT! Amazing. Jericho brings up why HHH didn't leave with Steph immediately. Rollins jumped him and HHH made a match. So you can call his wife a ho and only face one guy? Nikki facing 5 people seems really disproportionate.

Miz's new gimmick is so amazing. And he's teaming with Rybaxel! They're facing Dolph and the Usos, so I guess that'll be the IC/Tag PPV match setup. Miz should really get white gear that matches the rest of his getup. They talked about Woods's group. Woods as the talker in a black militant group with Truth likely being in it seems very wrong. Nice Uso dive off the barricade to set up the break.  Woods, Big E, and Kofi look fantastic in business attire. Miz tags in, cheapshots an Uso, and tags in Ryback! The crowd wants Dolph and gets him...and he does nine billion things at 10,000 MPH. Flying Uso as Cole referenced The Poseiden Adventure in 2014. Zig Zag wins. The Nation of Education did nothing. Truth's out. Did the NoE come out in the wrong segment? Bo's out. We've seen this match at least a few times before, right? Bo says he's lost a lot of matches - BUT ONE DAY HE'LL WIN, IF HE BO-LIEVES! Bo did the victory lap. I have a bad feeling Truth's winning this. Yup. Schoolboy. Bo attacked with the mic and shitty-looking offense. He did a ring skirt beating, and that is one shiny red ring skirt. Nice double arm DDT. Can't wait for Mick to bitch about not getting mentioned with it. HHH-Steph-Jericho recap.

WWE.COM SHOWED A SHELL SHOCKED VIDEO AND RYBACK WASN'T IN A TMNT SKIT TONIGHT!? Rusev and Lana are out with #Russia as their deal. Lana cut an anti-America promo and knocked Obama. This gimmick will never end just so Vince can get out his frustrations with Obama. Zeb put over the flag with 50 stars and 13 bars! Zeb as a babyface patriot is amazing. AMERICA REPRESENTS PICKUP TRUCKS, PRETTY GIRLS, AND BEER! A massive USA chant broke out during all this, then they brawled and the chant got louder.  Rusev's sent out with the ankle lock and a pair of boots to the face. King said we've got the U.S. and Russia in a Mexican standoff.

Cole said Houston, we have a problem, leading to Sandow saying the same thing dressed as an astronaut. Rose and the Rosebuds came out. The bunny is the best part of the act. Rose calls him a sour little spaceman. Rose won with a Party Foul that looked worse than a bear's snapmare. Ambrose isn't on the show tonight due to promotional work, but he'll face ADR on ME tomorrow. Why is Ambrose, an enemy of the Authority, doing WWE Corporate work? Orton and Reigns brawled in the crowd before he Superman punched Kane off the apron, and then ate a chokeslam. Orton's right eye is all busted up, and he looks old in the face. "Roman cost Orton his shot" makes very little sense. THEY BRAWLED, which is enough to nix a planned match for that night - but not weeks in advance. JBL spewed bullshit about how you only get to main event Summerslam once in a lifetime. They brawled and brawled. Draping DDT on the floor off the barricade - that should be a special in 2K15. Then Orton talked smack for nine hours. RKO on the table, but it didn't break, so he redid it. Wow, it's only 10:08. This dragged on for ages.

They recapped the angle, and showed off JBL's bright tan shoes. Fandango's dancing mid-ring. Summer Lay came out in hot matador outfits with whatever Primo's character is. Diego. Cole tried to get Slayers over as the Summer/Lay team name. #THEBULLSTWERKINMAGGLE led to a sunset flip distraction win. They kissed the bull and he fainted. JBL said he was molested and King laughed. Nikki and Steph met so Nikki could say she hoped Steph liked the taste of a plate of crap. Well, that's pleasant. It's also a WWE NETWORK EXCLUSIVE! LOL. After Domino's buries the cookie pizza in ads, Pizza Hut brings it back. Stardust did a goofy blackboard gag. WHAT. THE FUCK. IS THE POINT. OF ANY. OF THIS! Naomi and Nattie had a bad match against Alicia and Cameron. Naomi won with a headscissor choke.

The Summerslam card of TWO MATCHES was recapped and Jericho came out to face Seth. Jericho and Seth brawled while they talked about Jericho taking credit for everything. This led to of all things an Al Gore joke in 2014. Astonishing. Jericho was a fine surly old man here, just kicking Seth whenever he could. Seth took an amazing bump for the triangle dropkick. They came back to a post-break resthold and showed the over the top bump Jericho took on the app. Turnbuckle flatliner. They teased a sunset bomb, but it turned into a super backdrop from Jericho. Flying crossbody gets 2.9! SETH TOOK A FLIP BUMP FOR A BACK ELBOW! This ruled! Schoolboy got 2. Seth spun out of the walls on the rope and hit a kick. Seth springboarded into a codebreaker! Hillbilly teleport! Bray was in a new wacky Hawaain shirt! Abigail to Jericho! HHH and Steph walked backstage. PURE SPORTS BUILD CENA-BROCK VID!

 Steph talked about representing FOUR GENERATIONS OF MCMAHONS, and now she's just a common criminal. HER DAUGHTERS DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! Steph's kids are being bullied! THEIR FRIENDS AREN'T BEING STARS! Brie came out through the crowd...sorta with her theme. Brie caller her a rich bitch. Brie's married to a multi-millionaire and her sister is a rich bitch. "I may have taken advantage of your sister Nikki in some regard. Well, who hasn't? Steph agreed to give Nikki a raise, and Brie said sure, IF SHE GETS HER JOB BACK. Didn't she quit? Oh, and Brie will drop the charges to get her job back, agreed, and wants a match. They are moving at a Ziggler-like pace through this angle. Steph said she can't wrestle - she's too devoted to her kids right now. Brie threatened legal action if she didn't get a match. Steph cried yes yes yes for the match. Loved Steph giving her a rich bitch slap and saying she'd make her her bitch. Steph got a huge chant for this. IT'S JAMIE NOBLE, BOY and Finlay tried to end the catfight. This got awesome and then Steph did the yes bit. I  think she's the face now.

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