Monday, July 7, 2014

Raw 7-7-14 - Raw is Math in Montreal

I spent some time with Evoland today, and it's perfect for someone like me who enjoys RPG gameplay, but doesn't like how long they take to play. This gives you a bite-sized, but satisfying experience. Judging by how much WWE is pushing the Network trial on Facebook, I predict that will take up at least an hour of the show tonight. I didn't wind up submitting anything to Bleacher Report on the WSOF show, but I did send my thoughts in to Dave Meltzer, so maybe they'll wind up on the Observer site.

Historic Raw episode # 1,102 is LIVE from Montreal, Canada. It starts off with a fatal 4-way hype video, the Rollins-Ambrose deal, and Reigns-THEMONSTERKANE. Nothing from SD was covered, in case you thought that show mattered. Roman came down and Cole begged everyone to tweet #romanisraw and the Authority is on vacation. King's not only wearing Xtreme Couture in 2014, but he's wearing the most generic XC shirt in human history. Roman says he's been put in the match by HHH because maybe he thinks he can take Cena out, WHICH HE CAN, or Kane can take him out - BUT HE CAN'T. Orton could walk out as champ, BUT HE WON'T! A Cena sucks chant broke out and led to him saying "WHEN ROMAN REIGNS IS IN THE HOUSE, YA DAMN RIGHT CENA SUCKS! THEDEMONKANE came down talked to, insulted, and then they brawled. Roman's slightly revamped gear is fantastic and I hope Big E nixes the apron spear so Roman can do it. They did some generic brawling and a bunch of refs ran down with one getting chokeslammed. REIGNS SHOVED NOBLE AND SPEARED FINLAY! Loved seeing Finlay back in the ring doing anything. Mercury and IRS got Kane out of there. Cole hyped up the fatal 4 way by nodding his head a lot. Jericho faces Miz and Cena faces Rollins tonight, and they hyped up the free WWE Network preview.

Harper and Rowan did their hillbilly teleport. THEIR THEME IS SHIT. This is like the Dolph-Kofi best of 9,000 series - every match is good, BUT I'M SICK AND TIRED OF SEEING IT! Nice pumphandle suplex from Harper to set up a Rowan splash for 2. Rowan put the SLEDGHAMMER HEAD-LIKE FISTS into an Uso's head. A CM Punk chant broke out. King's enthusiasm for the hot tag was akin to someone in dire need of a bathroom. Whisper in the Wind got 2. USO CRAZY dive. A Harper dive was countered into a throat thrust on the floor and a mid-ring superkick for 2.9! AWESOME NEARFALL! An Uso got crotched leading to a Liger bomb for a 2.9 before a save. DOUBLE SUPERKICK TO HARPER ON THE APRON!  Discus lariat to an Uso for the win! Justin Roberts couldn't even prevent to be excited for that. They tried to act like the wrong Uso might've been pinned. Cole shilled the free trial. King said it had a 90% satisfaction rate - HIGHER THAN NETFLIX, HULU, OR HBO! Ambrose has a new crazy face graphic, and he faces Orton in A REMATCH! Kane and Orton talked in a blue curtained room about how IF THEY DID ONE MORE THING, he'd have been there to help him out. One more thing. Rollins came in and Orton said he's starting to hate him, while Kane said he hates Orton.

Total Divas - a show about orgasms, dildos, and fucking - nominated for a Nickelodeon Teen Choice Award. One-arm tied behind the back match made for...some reason. Well, they made it seem like both would have it, but it's only Nikki so now it makes sense. Nope, it's both. THIS IS TAKING FOREVER! The stip really makes no sense then other than to be a setup for Alicia to attack. Boring chant is at least A sign of life. This went on and on and on before Alicia clacked some beers, or energy drinks together and poured them on Nikki before yelling about Brie. This is among the worst things on Raw all year.

 Rusev got a jobber intro and Lana buried Canada, while RVD GOT A FULL INTRO. Odd. Can't wait to see RVD bend for the Accolade - this is easily the biggest star Rusev has faced - they probably should've done SOMETHING to hype this actually since he is facing a former WWE Champion. SUPER ATHLETE WITH A SUPER BEALE! Fans chanted for Sami Zayn with Ole, and Rusev kicked more ass while Zeb cut a promo about Swagger wanting Rusev at Battleground. Running superkick hits and he locks on the Accolade for the win. Now they're going a bit overboard with the network hype - saying you can watch MITB now FOR FREE. Boy, if you paid for that show on PPV at $60, you'd be rightfully pissed right now.

Cole recapped the show opening deal with Roman and Kane. Finlay and Noble got name-dropped now at least. Dean came out in a cutoff hoodie and torn up jeans to kick some ass. Nice mat wrestling to start off with. Ambrose got a straightjacket choke, but Orton countered into a lariat. ON THE APP, Orton threw the wrong shoulder into the steps. Orton hits a dropkick and locks on a Fujiwara armbar. Ambrose escapes and stomps a mudhole in Orton in the corner! FIGURE FOUR FROM DEAN! Diving...something or other there from Dean. I think Orton was supposed to be turned around since Orton immediately did a dropkick. NIGEL LARIAT! Orton counters Dirty Deeds, but Dean low bridges him to the floor. Orton gets chucked in the barricade and Dean tosses chairs into the ring. Crowd chanted ECW. DRAPING DDT OFF THE BARRICADE! It got a 9 count on the floor. RKO countered into a backslide for 2, but he hits it for 3 later. Fantastic match. Cena cut a promo with Renee until Roman interrupted and Cena talked about his STRONG WORDS and said "holmes".

Fandango's on commentary while ADR's in the ring to announce that he's in the IC battle royal. Alberto-Dolph bout 9000 is up. Fandango is impossible to hear on commentary. Alberto does the Finlay ring skirt bit, but hits an enzuiguri. The winner of this faces Sheamus for the U.S. Title on Main Event. Reverse superplex got 2 for ADR. Fandango called himself the Fonz of WWE, leading to HAPPY DAYS JOKES! Fameasser gets 2. Fandango and his velvet black and red pants dance. Del Rio hits the kneeling superkick for the win. That was indeed a match with a finish. The wacky red contacts add a lot to Stardust's look. He played with Goldust's wig before they exchanged words and Goldust took his wig back. They're now Rhodedust.

Bret's out next. BUT FIRST, we get bad acting with Layla and Fandango. Fandango looked lustfully at Summer in a doorway. King talked about having his life saved the last time he was in Montreal. King apologized for his near-death taking away from Bret and Pat Patterson appreciation night. Bret came out looking like an unmade bed. Bret looks a bit younger facially. Bret said if he could have one more match, it would be in Montreal and he's got THE RUSH now like he had when he was champion. SANDOW! YAY! WE GET A SHARPSHOOTER! He cut a promo about Montreal and tapping to HBK. The singlet look is a massive improvement for Sandow. BRET PUNCHED HIM! Odd to let him get somewhat physical and not do a sharpshooter. Sheamus came down to fist bump Bret. Sheamus faces Sandow - which explains the lack of the sharpshooter I guess.

The match started on the app. Sandow's Bret getup looks odd without the trunks over the long tights. Sheamus is in the IC Title battle royal to unify the secondary titles. Brogue Kick won after the clubbering. JBL got off a BRET SCREWED BRET deal in 2014. Renee met with Miz the movie star, AND HE HAS FAN MAIL! Miz reading fan mail has potential as a mid-card bit. Cole put over how thankful you should be for the free preview week of the WWE Network. A MARATHON OF LEGENDS HOUSE! THIS IS WHAT THEY WANT TO USE TO GET PEOPLE TO BUY THE NETWORK! Main Event gets  Jericho-Bret Highlight Reel. Jericho and his new 2014 gear came out. Jericho's theme truly is one of the best of all time. JBL immediately buried Miz's new gimmick. Great - SO NOT EVEN THE HEEL COMMENTATOR PUTS THE HEEL OVER! Miz's jacket is amazing. Jericho hit the bulldog, leading to Miz holding his face. Miz's hand is orange. Double sledge off the top from Jericho. Jericho is so much faster than RVD right now, it's amazing. Big boot from Miz got 2. Miz hit the kneeling DDT for a 2.9. Miz got the figure four, which would've been a better move if Dean hadn't done it before. Jericho punches Miz, who immediately holds his face and taps to the Walls. So Miz is basically Sandow now since he'd have done the same thing if Bret had locked on the sharpshooter after the punch. Wyatt teleporting promo time. Bray will NEVER, EEEVVEERRR let Jericho forget. Bray said he's turned his own fans against him, and Jericho did the shut the hell up bit. They shut the lights off so the goons could show up next to Bray a generic standoff. More Network hype.

Funkadactyls are out to face Paige in her cute booty shorts and AJ. Paige did an over the top nice intro for AJ. Flying cookie from Naomi missed. Cameron refused a tag. Cameron did her nails to avoid a tag. Cameron tagged herself in, ate a Paige Turner and lost. Paige and AJ are team LesYay. Bootydactcyls brawled.

Kofi's win on the app last week was recapped, as was the big beating afterwards. Heyman said he's the 1 behind the 1 in 21-1. Cesaro told him to stop speaking to them in English - they're French-Canadians - BUT DON'T EVEN SPEAK FRENCH! Kofi came out in shitty new gear and rib tape. A military press gutbuster got 2. Kofi got a fluke rollup for another pinfall win. DAFUQ!? Big E came down to prevent more of a beating because he's Kofi's friend...because they're black. Cena and Rollins exchanged generic words backstage. Network hype. SHOCKED STREAK FAN IS NOW A WWE TV MEME. Reigns faces Rusev on SD. Despite it being 10:42, we're getting Bo-Torito. Bo says he'll take on anyone at any time. Cole says Torito BULL-IEVES! Bo attacked Diego, forearmed the bull and delivered the bo-dog! This wasn't nearly as funny as it could've been. BO KNOCKS HIM OVER ON THE VICTORY LAP! Segment saved! Bo doesn't allow any obstacle to get in his way.

They did another hard sell on the network preview and King put over the Monday Night War - THE RIVETING DOCUMENTARY! It's 10:50 and we're getting a preview of it. So instead of showing anything...riveting, we get the generic WWE Network Announcement night trailer. IT'S FREE. FREE. NO STRINGS ATTACHED. FREE! Cole said YOU CAN TWEET HIM, BECAUSE IN HIS OPINION, CENA IS THE GREATEST CHAMPION IN WWE HISTORY! They did nothing until an ad break at 10:57. They came back and Seth talked shit. He missed a kick and Cena tried to turn it into an STF. Fistdrop, STF, but THEDEMONKANE comes out. Roman came out to save Cena from an attack by Kane, Orton, and Rollins. Dean prevented another cash-in. Orton ate an AA. They did a Cena hand-raising bit with Roman, but Roman would have none of it..and then Roman did it. WHAT!?
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