WWE Raw 7-14-14

No video package starts. Instead, we get Cena saying THE CHAMP. IS HERE! And on Sunday, he's in a match where he doesn't have to be pinned to lose. Cue Roman coming through the crowd. Cena is so gosh-darned happy that Roman helped him out on Raw. Cena talked a bit and a fan sign said NO STING NO CARE! Ambrose interrupted this crap to say it's time to knock off the ballet class and kick some ass! They've got a six-man against Orton, Seth, and Kane and Dean gets jumped by everyone backstage. They punched and punched and stomped and stomped. Roman and Cena just did nothing. More stuff. FLYING CURB STOMP TO A BOX. STILL. NO. HELP! Did Cena and Roman accompany each other to the men's room using the buddy system or something?

A slick RUNNING WILD ad aired for the Network with a lot of white and red in it. Then they recapped the beating to Dean. Sheamus came out to face Miz, who is now in the IC Title battle royal. Kinda surprised to see TBS logos on the Miz's entrance video. Miz's face is now on the tron for the "dreation" of his match. They did nothing for a while before Miz rolled out and they went to a break. They came back and Cole said "Miz tried to protect his moneymaker EXCLUSIVELY on the WWE APP!". Lord. This match is so important that we get a full graphic rundown for the entire battle royal roster. They did more moves while JBL said THE A-LIST MOVIE STAR COULD WIN THE IC TITLE! They said "money maker" about nine billion times. Sheamus missed the kick in the corner and Miz won with a schoolboy. God, the heels are doing the Treasure of Sierra Madre bit over WWE Title match. HHH told them to get along because he trusts them. This was terribly-acted. HHH and Steph did a wacky kiss and flirty bit. The commentators desperately plugged the network and the free preview. So you can sign up until midnight...and I guess you'd get the PPV free since they didn't say an 11:59 sign up would end at midnight. Dolph's out for a match.

Of all the things we get a recap of from SD, it's not Rusev-Reigns, IT'S THE FANDANGO SAGA! Cole recapped the entire Fandango>Summer>Layla deal in great detail. Guys did moves before Summer Lay got on the table and JBL outright buried the match. Dolph won with a Fameasser to gain momentum going into the IC Title battle royal! Cole said "they want to rub it into Fandango" which doesn't sound too bad, while JBL called Dolph THE DOLPH MAN!

Sandow is now a Sonic worker - must pay better. Sandow was a meanie, leading to Adam Rose saying he was mean to the carhop and more bad product placement and acting. Jesus fuck that was terribawful. Usos came out in orange gear and shirts that match the belts. UCE-OH LOOK OUT! Greatness. Lana and Zeb cut promos next. Oh goodie - RAW IS TALKING! And you COULD BE WATCHING THE COUNTDOWN ON THE WWE NETWORK. You tell people to switch and hype THAT!? Wasn't WM XXX supposed to be playing tonight during Raw?

Rusev got a jobber intro for the detente, which JBL misspelled after King said he couldn't spell it. Zeb and Swagger came out. Zeb is really having trouble moving around. Cole basically saying that we're just going to revive the Cold War here. Lana cut a promo in Russian, THE SUPERIOR LANGUAGE. A fan held up a WWE FAMILY TRIP sign. Those poor fuckers. AMERICA IS STUPID! SHUT UP, AMERICA! Lana is basically going with yo mama jokes now. This is something else. Zeb cut a promo about going to 'nam and taking a vow to protect the country from ALL ENEMIES - like them! Lana hyped up Putin. THERE'S A PUTIN 3:16 SIGN. Okay, this turned the corner. Zeb said "We always respect the presidency." Not the President, but his title. Amazing. A minor brawl broke out and Swagger countered the running superkick with the ankle lock. Boy that would've been an awesome PPV spot - they'd damn sure better repeat it as it was great and it got a huge pop. I'm more hyped for Rusev-Swagger than the WWE Title match. Speaking of which, we got a recap of the show-opening deal here. The debate was super-heated, but not something you'll want to watch again - still super-fun though. Cena and Roman exchanged words about how THE ODDS ARE AGAINST THEM! DAMMIT ROMAN, THE ODDS ARE AGAINST CENA HERE. BE SERIOUS!

RVD-Alberto is up. I have no desire to ever see this match again - but they're at least making the IC Title match and the championship itself seem important. They're having every RVD-ADR match ever. RVD is so much better on NXT than the main shows. Love RVD leaning back to avoid the kneeling superkick - more people should probably do that. ADR countered the splash into the armbar. I love that knees>armbar finish - makes the armbar seem so much fresher as a finisher than his usual standing pomp and circumstance bullshit he does. Cole hyped up AN EXCLUSIVE ON THE WWE NETWORK! THE BEST IN THE WORLD DOC! Well, I wasn't expecting to see a hype video for this on Raw. I guess with AJ back in the fold, they want to get on his good side every way - so he really did a great service for his career and life by leaving. Flair and Jericho will be on the show later.

Nikki came out leading to a recap of the Brie saga. Christ, Nikki has aged a decade. JBL said Steph was back from vacation. OF COURSE SHE'S BACK FROM VACATION - SHE WAS WITH HUNTER EARLIER! It's Nikk vs. Fox/Cameron. Steph's doing a shitty job stacking the deck against Nikki by allowing tags in this. Cameron-Naomi is on the pre-game show. They did moves. More moves. A Nikki chant broke out to my surprise. Alicia won with her stupid headscissor facebuster. Alicia's finisher is so shitty. It's like a needlessly-complicated Rocker Dropper. They recapped the main event. OH NO. TONIGHT'S MAIN EVENT COULD BE A HANDICAP MATCH!...like the one we just saw. Cole hyped up a PLAYER IN WWE 2K15! IT'S STING - in presumably Surfer and Crow Sting variants. This was amazing, with a live orchestra playing his Crow theme and then him turning around leading to them showing their paint.

HHH and Orton talked, and how Kane is just a pawn. So he's turning face again! Goldust and Stardust cut another bizarre promo. Cody doesn't quite seem to understand this character beyond "do weird and goofy shit." Cesaro's out and they've...ended the Heyman association with no real hype or reason. Sheamus-Miz happens on Main Event - 50/50 BOOKING IS A NETWORK EXCLUSIVE! They came back for Cesaro-Big E and still didn't elaborate on things. Cesaro and Big E had every match they've ever had before Cesaro grabbed a chair and Kofi ran interference leading to a Big Ending win. Fuck. Cesaro's not only jobbing a ton, but he's going to win the IC Title too. IC Title thing actually comes off as more important than the WWE Title match due to how much time they've spent on it. Cole talked about THE FORMER WWE CHAMPION THE MIZ getting an upset over Sheamus. Jericho's out to get his questions answered. Why not send Bray a DM?

Jericho losing to Orton thanks to the lights going out is recapped. TWO SMACKDOWN EVENTS RECAPPED! None involving Roman-Rusev. Jericho says he's seen it all - Naked Mideon, Yurple, Big Poppa Pump, Big Show, Lord Hayes, Michael Hayes, LORD TENSAI. He gave Bob Barker a shoutout and hyped up beating Rock and Austin in one-night. He's a six-time world champ, also a 9-time IC Champ, AND A FORMER MUSICAL CHAIRS CHAMPION. HE'S SEEN IT ALL...except for Bray Wyatt. Bray cut a fantastic promo about how Chris was supposed to save us - but he didn't, and hasn't forgotten. Wyatts came out and attacked him, but he escaped...so Bray could attack him on the ramp from behind. Ambrose beating recap.

Paige is on commentary for AJ-Eva, not sitting near King. Eva got her intro theme before the match, but the last verbal intro. Paige said AJ's her freinemy, and got drowned out by CM Punk chants. Eva smiling while doing a move. SO INTENSE. Black Widow won. AJ is so adorkable. She hopped on the table and sat in Indian style pointing the belt at Paige. HHH and Steph hyped up Flo-Rida - Steph sounded EXACTLY like a mom saying his name, while Kane came in to act poorly and had an issue with their plan A involving him being a goon.

THE INSPIRATIONAL BO DALLAS IS IN THE RING! Bo said Torito's small, but he's got a big heart! King said on WWE TV that enlarged hearts are a medical condition. Khali's legs look so skinny even in the giant pants. And he can barely move. Bo fought back after a corner chop barrage with little sissy chops and said BAD GIANT! Bo-dog on the floor led to Bo yelling COUNTCOUNTCOUNTCOUNT! Everything JBL and Bo said was great there. That segment over-delivered. Heyman talked to Steph and HHH about their Plan B and if it fails, HE HAS PLAN C. See, if he had both Brock and Cesaro, he'd have logical picks for Plans B and C.

RIC FLAIR WALKED BACKSTAGE looking better than he did on NXT Takeover. Wow. Ric looks better than he has in a decade! #flairisraw sounds so awful. Ric hit on Renee. Renee is what a third of Ric's age, about? Yuck. I couldn't care less about Flair's thoughts on the Battleground main event. Or the Battleground main event for that matter. Roman came out, then Flair just left...oh yeah, there's a match. Loved Cena giving Flair the World title. Boy, Flair holding up Big Gold one last time would've been cooler if he'd had time to hoist it properly - and since Cena said keep it - HE'S GOT SOMETHING NEW TO PAWN! And they might've just nixed the WHC too. A crazy-long ad for Let's Be Cops aired. So this is the entire Let's Be Cops movie, right? Jericho faces Harper on SD - that'll be fun to watch. Cole talked about a possible cash in. Yes. Rollins COULD CASH IN TONIGHT...so he could defend in 6 days in a match against 3 other men and then lose it without being pinned. Everyone did moves - none were notable. Reigns was in the Ricky Morton role - he's no Goldust in it that's for sure. After Reigns was in a chinlock, he tagged out so Cena could get locked in one. Reigns came back in after a hot tag to run wild. They should at least be acting like Rollins-Reigns going at it is significant. Reigns got double teamed. #dqedforkickingtoomuchass is trending worldwide while the commentators make no mention of the main event match ending. Loved Reigns standing tall at the end.

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