Sunday, July 23, 2017

WWE Battleground 2017


Pre-show has tons of filler, and we see AJ throw out a pitch today and he also has a new faded Untouchable shirt. They found even more jobberiffic gear for Mike. Amazing! Aiden sings to face Tye in a match no one on Earth could care about. Tye hits a nice spinebuster for 2. TYE ACTUALLY LOSES! HE'S BENEATH AIDEN ENGLISH!?

Love the Consequences Creed gear for New Day. Usos cut promos like the Briscoes on Total Divas, and now dress like them on PPVs. Woods eats a nasty German, but lands a sloppy missile dropkick. An Uso goes for a wheelbarrow suplex, but Woods turns it into a wacky facejam. DVD INTO THE CORNER! Pop-up double team Samoan drop gets 2. Woods goes for the super jump elbow, but eats a seated Shelton-esque superkick for 2.5. Now that's a nearfall in an SD tag opener. Tequila Sunrise! Demo decapitation with a double stomp gets 2.5! Uso superkick leads to the dive for 2.5. Kofi hits the tornado kick and Woods hits the super jump elbow to win it!


Nakamura comes down to face Baron Corbin. Baron locks on some long bearhugs, but Nakamura gets a gordbuster. Deep Six gets 2. Forearms and the axe kick hit, but an attempt at the reverse exploder is met with a kick to the balls and a DQ. Ugh. Women's feud is recapped before the fatal five way elimination match. Naomi comes out with her wacky getup.
They talk about Lana and compare her story to a Rocky story, leading JBL to say that Rocky didn't do well against Thunderlips in a "sports entertainment ring". Lana's little standing run is hilarious. Lana's gear is outstanding. Becky is getting way too much offense in - she has to be gone soon. Tamina saves Lana from 2 Disarmers, but taps to it! Everyone else gets rapidly eliminated, and Lana taps to the armbar. RAMPAGE POWERBOMB BY CHARLOTTE to avoid the Sharpshooter! Moonsault meets the knees and Nattie wins it after schoolboying her head into the buckle.

WWEShop marketing has shifted from BUY WHAT YOU LIKE TO BE YOU to JOIN THE CROWD AND BUY STUFF ON WWESHOP. AJ vs. KO hype video recaps their long, rather nothing feud on SD. A fan holds up a SAVIO VEGA IS KWANG sign in 2017 and man does the US Title looks so good on AJ.

 
Kip-up rana to KO. Chinlock city leads to a senton being countered by knees, but the KENTA combo is ducked and leads to a DDT and ANOTHER CHINLOCK. Springboard 450 is met with knees to the ribs. AJ gets the torture rack bomb for 2. AJ is tossed into the ref, but AJ locks on the calf crusher and KO gets a crossface. AJ reverses it and gets his own crossface, but KO turns it into a cradle for a lackluster win.  What in the fuck. The Singh brothers talk to Jinder about how they can't help him tonight and Jinder says he won't be alone because he will have 1.3 billion people behind him. "This is his match" - how? He's had ZERO OF THEM. This is like only black people having ghetto street fights on MSW.

Cena vs. Rusev is up. Thank God - we get more wacky gimmick bullshit for a stip match.  A flag match now consists of a respective finish line for each nation's flag. They plod. and punch. and plod and punch and plod. They fight over flags for eons and we get some contrived bullshit with Rusev setting up tables and then eating an AA off the USA podium through it.



Breezango talks about stuff and then the Ascension takes credit for destroying the horse - but they're disgusted by the horse. The lights go out and Tyler is beaten up. And then Dango is too before being dragged away. Riveting. Mike Kanellis vs. Sami is up. This light pink Billy Gunn gear is fucking horrible for both of them. "Maria's husband" - they aren't even trying to make him come off like a star here. Maria prevents one corner exploder, but can't prevent another and the helluva kick ends it.

Main event time. They do a terrible job of explaining the stips, which is hard to avoid given how convoluted it is. You have to worry about climbing several cages, having several doors opened up, and then having countdown clocks set for each door. This is so boring. Jinder eats an RKO, but the Singh brothers pull Jinder to the outer structure. KHALI RETURNS and uses Jinder's theme to impede Orton and prevent him from winning.

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