Sunday, July 9, 2017

WWE Great Balls of Fire!

It's time for GGGREEEEATTT BALLS OF FIRE! WWEGBOF is the hashtag...and I'm not sure if that's more or less organic than just using the full name. An awesome Braun video package airs showing him killing folks. Sad Enzo in this video package is something else. Heyman cuts an amazing promo on the main event. Cruiserweight Title time. Tozawa is about as over as any cruiserweight babyface can hope to be on the main roster - somewhat, and receiving a mild polite applause.

Vic hypes up 205 Live on the award-winning WWE Network like a robot. Crowd is already dead for this match. Holy crap. Neville wins via cheap crotching on the ropes. Bray is out for the opener. What in the fuck? BRAY IN THE OPENER!? Don't you want that to be exciting?! Oh thank heavens - Cole read an interesting statistic about someone! At least it involved Seth being in more PPV matches than anyone in the past five years and not how many hall of famers have held Title X.

Bray dominates with bland offense before Seth fires back with forearms and gets 2 off a slingblade. Bray franchised his ass off the top with Shane's WCW jawbreaker. Bray hits a uranage and thumbs him in the eye to get Abigail and end it. Nothing match. Matt talks about watching superhero cartoons with his kids and says it's DELIGHTFUL. Jeff chats in a WWE Robot manner about the history they made in WWE.

Enzo-Cass video. Certified G he going to start running a condom company? Enzo is so money as an act. NOT AS A WRESTLER, but as an act. Enzo is getting an actual character over here in mere minutes by quoting Sinatra and talking about his love for life. He talks about being a dreamer and keeping on dreaming no matter what. The crowd is ungodly hot for Enzo. Enzo says that Cass is seven feet tall, BUT HE'S LIVING IN HIS SHADOW AND THAT THERE'S ONLY WORD TO DESCRIBE CASS - SAWFT. CAW 5 theme music and tron for Big Cass here. He's doomed.

They have a sloppy punch and kick fest. Enzo eats a big beating and plays dead for a bit. Cass kicks his ass some more and wins it with a press slam to the floor and a big boot. So now they're literally trying to recreate Test in 2017. Yowza. KURT ANGLE HOMECOMING video with Dixie!

Hardys vs. Cesaro/Sheamus is up. Sheamus brogue kicks Matt right away to get a fall. Jeff gets in and goddamn can he barely move. Sheamus does holds for a while. Riveting. Poetry in Slow Motion to the floor for Jeff. Cesaro smashes Matt into the post. More heel beatings and Cesaro hits a barricade uppercut. Random chinlocks from Sheamus. Hardys get a wacky win with Matt doing a backslide and then Jeff doing his wacky legdrop cradle thing. Jeff can't even bend his knee for an inverted atomic drop right now. Sheamus gets a v trigger and sends Jeff outside, with a blind tag to Matt. Matt's moonsault is slightly more graceful than Terry Funk's was in his '50s. SUPER TWIST BY MATT! Things are tied up now and yet Jeff has no sense of urgency, but dives onto them on the floor. Jeff has really poor planning here if his plan is to WIN THE TITLES. Matt hits a diving elbow while Jeff hits a splash  Matt eats an uppercut and somehow, his face is all fucked up and bloody. Cesaro runs away to end things and retain. Matt is treated for his sliced up face and busted up teeth.

We get more shots of international commentators, including Funaki and Ray Rougeau. Ray looks great for his age. Alexa and Sasha have a fun little match. Alexa's ass is fantastic here. She destroys Sasha with a lot of back-related offense before attacking with her knees a ton. Alexa hits a backbreaker and they go back and forth with forearms. Bliss misses the Twisted Bliss and the crossface is on. Alexa plays chickenshit and KOs her to lose via countout, but retain.

Miz vs. Dean in a Raw mid-card match is just what this show needed to boost the excitement level. Miz busts his face up somehow. Miz's goon squad helps him retain. Okay then. Braun-Roman hype tiem. "LOOK AT ROMAN....SLOWLY LIFTING HIS ARMS INTO THE AIR! GAZE INTO HIS EYES AS HIS HAIR FLOWS GRACEFULLY IN THE WIND!"  Roman poses and...Braun doesn't kill him immediately for some reason. Roman is really getting that Cena in '05 reaction - but he's working more like Cena of '07 where purely in the ring, he doesn't deserve it.

Braun runs into the post a few times. They brawl around ringside, smash each other into shit. Roman's matches are more video game matches than the Young Bucks. Roman uses a chair several times to no effect. They brawl around the ambulance. I hope we get 'Taker as the ambulance driver tonight. Braun is such a monster that he's got a kid yelling "MOMMY! MOMMY!" Roman hits a punch of Superman punches next to the doors. Braun pokes the eye and hits him with a backboard. BRAUN TOSSES HIM ACROSS THE RAMP! BRAUN GOES FOR THE SLAM, BUT ROMAN THROWS HIM THROUGH THE SCREEN! Roman goes for the spear, but BRAUN AVOIDS IT AND WINS. YAY GO BRAUN!

And then they keep brawling. Braun gets thrown into the ambulance and Roman drives backstage and backs Braun into a giant equipment truck. Five billion people are around and no one actually manages to call 911. It's amazing how they go out of their way to make everything look even more fake with 5,000 camera angles for this "impromptu" event. Curt Hawkins and Heath Slater are in the ring for a match that no human being on Earth, including the men involved, can't care about. They have a standby match and Heath wins...which is announced while Braun is being extracted with the Jaws of Life that Cole has to meticulously explain.God, if Steph was around, Roman would get SUCH A BALL-CUTTING he'd think twice about trying to not only murder somone, but even worse - beating HHH.

I like that they actually try to have a shred of reality to this by having Braun be in there instead of the usual MY GOD, WHERE IS BRAUN!? Braun is so acting like Austin in the I Quit match here. HE IS REFUSING HELP AND IS A TOTAL BADASS! He demands to be left alone and leaves. HOW CAN ANYONE NOT LOVE BRAUN AFTER THIS!? Okay, this didn't work. "This could have been...BEYOND SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT!"

Goddamn is Joe looking slim. The Universal Title would look a lot better on Brock if he was in that red and black gear he wore in 2012. JOE JUMPS BROCK! He punches the shit out of him before landing a uranage through the announce table! This is the most excited I've been for a title match in quite a while - either guy winning would be fine, while a Joe win would send a huge message. "JOE'S GONNA KILL YOU!" Joe hits a corner elbow and the high kick before they exchange knees to the gut! Brock is all marked up and Joe gets the choke, but Brock sends him into the buckle! GERMAN BY BROCK! Another one! THREE!

Joe KICKS HIM IN THE GREAT BALLS OF FIRE AND GETS THE URANAGE FOR 2! Joe gets the choke! Joe gets it locked in, but Brock sends him to the mat. Brock charges and misses, BUT GETS A GERMAN! ANOTHER! THIRD IN A ROW! F5 ATTEMPT LEADS TO A CHOKE. Joe is in a bad position, but gets the hooks in in the corner. F5 HITS AND WINS. THAT RULED. Joe still would've gained more with a win, but goddamn, that was amazing.


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