Monday, January 12, 2015

Raw 1-12-15

The show begins with a recap video of The Authority brow-beating the company's top face and firing three faces. They mixed in some dark, somber music in with Stars and Stripes Forever. Michael Cole is so distraught by all of the firings that he's overjoyed to be on USA. Cena comes out all smiles and talks about DOING IT BIG HERE! Cena slips into a N'awleans accent and talks about how great it is to be back on Bourbon Street. YOUR FRIENDS. WERE FIRED. Cena says he did the right thing to bring The Authority back to power instead of killing Edge. Cena puts his rival over as a 13-time world champion and a first-ballot hall of famer. If this is how HHH's enemy speaks of him, imagine what his friends will say. Cena asks the fans if they want to see the fired guys back, they fire back with a yes chant and...that's not enough. They try to get #AuthoritySucks to get them back. He calls The Authority dead, blind, and stupid. Cena using 60 year old insults for the disabled here. He's really excited about the WWE Title triple threat title match and he's getting a lot of boos. Cole has his SOURCES telling him that the guys were fired unfairly. No shit - that was the whole story last week. Oh yay, it's the Authority.

Steph is now burying the show's writing for being unoriginal with the "authoritysucks" hashtag and points out that Cena's a prick for caring about his title more than his friends. HHH buries Cena "You knew the stipulations" - well, kinda - since they weren't made until the very start of the show. Steph buried Cena for being selfish, and buried his catchphrases. HHH said that Cena can get their jobs back by winning, and not in a handicap match - BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE UNORIGINAL. Instead, we'll get Cena-Seth in a lumberjack match - and it's next. Wow.

The fucking state of the heel roster out here. Bunch of goobers, and the IC Champ. EVERYONE DIED ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND according to Booker T. Cole talks about the Authority being viewed as QUOTE PETTY and QUOTE EGOMANIACS. Cena and Seth did some stuff, Cena got hit with some cheapshots, while Seth got protected on the floor for an ad break. On the app, Barrett tripped Cena. Cole talked about how the referee can't do anything because he'll be fired. Great, so now EVERYONE ACTING LIKE A PRICK IS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED TO THE FACES. Holy shit - they're justifying babyfaces not standing up for themselves on literally every level here. AND THE BABYFACE LEAD ANNOUNCER IS SAYING THIS. Fist drop to Seth. AA to Seth. Cena does the pool dive to the pile. Cena gets 2 off that, while a Rollins kick gets 2.

"John Cena looking to pull out an improbable victory!" Sunset buckle bomb gets 2 for Seth. Cole is now burying the fired guys by saying they knew what they signed up for. Shouldn't he be completely opposed to them even being put in that position? VIGILANTE STINGER splash misses, AA hits and the beatdown begins on Cena. Curb stomp leads to the STF, but Kane saves him. Show KOs Cena on the floor. Thanks to a dozen men, Seth Rollins can beat Cena. Future WWE Champion Seth Rollins needed the help of 12 people to beat Cena. I don't see him drawing as champion for some reason. Cena's definitely getting the title at the Rumble. Bryan returns to New Orleans tonight, and Brock's back for a contract signing. Rumble ad. BECOME A LEGEND. Like Sheamus and Alberto.


Steph met with the Usos and Ambrose, who are in the WWE shilling area of the building. Steph can't tell them apart, but doesn't care. Usos must've left their balls in Naomi's purse. Also, there was apparently some hospital angle with Ambrose that we didn't know about until right now. And skits with Ambrose and a shrink. Wacky Mizes skit with horrid hair for Miz. Thanks to the shrink's office being next door, we now get a skit for that. Dean met with the guy, but was driven mad by a ticking clock. The clock is ticking on interest in this show.

The New Day's out to face Kidd and Cesaro. JBL buried the latter team for looking like walking condoms. Cole called The New Day the good day. Cole read Dolph's tweets about the show. Kofi and Woods are working hard here. Nice diving chop from Kofi and a hiptoss to Cesaro over the top. Honor Roll hits Kidd. Demolition Decapitation with the footstomp wins for the New Day. Love the chick in the blue hoodie dancing to the New Day's theme. Cole plugs the Hall of Fame tickets going on sale and that Savage is EXPECTED to be announcement for the HOF, and that the announcement is coming later. Top heel the Big Show did a Savage impression. Everyone did this, with Paige being all wacky and Roman just doing stuff. Loved Xavier's NES pad hat.



Colts Flair-style video airs. Of course. Bryan gets this kind of thing WITH THE WORLD SERIES CHAMPIONS, and it gets nothing. They run down the Raw Reunion lineup - no Nash. Show talked and talked and talked about people here being idiots and that they'd do anything for job security. He rambles on about competition. Is this some rib on UFC? IT'S THE BIG DOGGERNAUT! Roman talks about Show winning the title in WCW in his debut - when Roman was 12, he had magic beans and climbed a beanstalk. "and that whole part about being a loser - I'M TALKING TO YOU PAL - BELIEVE THAT!" Smooth. Harper's out. THIS WAS ALL TO SET UP A MATCH!? THIS MATCH!?

Corner shots before a break. Yet another Impact ad. Roman counters a suplex attempt with a jackhammer for 2. A minor Let's Go Harper chant breaks out. Roman throws himself into the steps slowly. JBL talking about a makeup lady, or the makeup lady. Or something. Love Booker putting over Harper's extensive Japanese experience. Big boot gets 2. Harper's offense is so much cooler than Roman's. And there's more of it too. Show throws a chair and distracts Roman, who eats a side slam for 2. Rollthrough schoolboy leads to a Superman punch. Swamp Chin Music gets 2! Discus lariat from Harper leads to the spear and the win, which means nothing due to Show getting in there immediately. KO punch to Roman. Roman's hair all over the mat looks awesome.

Jimmy met with Naomi's breasts and they plugged the Savage DVD doc airing on the Network tonight. Miz talked about "Boyhood". Mizdow filmed Miz's life for the last six months. So Mizdow has a Maryse sex tape in his possession? Well, he's a heel for withholding it. Cole talked about "The Authority's press office" - so the company's press office then? WHAT IS THIS STORYLINE!? Women did moves and got a CM Punk chant. Axe kick to the back wins for Alicia. WWE HAS ALWAYS BEEN ABOUT FREEDOM OF SPEECH according to Cole. Dean's back with the shrink and yells THURSDAY! HHH is IBS. Seth's a Scumbag. Roman's a Brotha! Kane is toothpaste. Duggan gets a HOOO as does Steph. I think Drake Younger is playing this role.

BROCK LESNAR'S THEME HIT TO SIGNAL DOOM! ONE OF THE MOST DOMINANT CHAMPIONS IN HISTORY. He's had one defense which was a DQ. He talked about returning to the scene of the crime where 282 days ago, THE STREAK ENDED. This led to a fantastic little video on it. Brock doesn't dwell on history, BUT IF HE DID, he'd remind you that he was an NCAA Heavyweight champion, the Undisputed UFC Heavyweight Champion, and THE UNDISPUTED WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! Heyman talks about the company being Disneyfied and buries WWE for living in a fantasy land versus THE REALITY of Brock Lesnar is so great. THE STREAK is fantasy, HUSTLE LOYALTY AND RESPECT are fantasy, BROCK LESNAR IS REALITY! Love Heyman saying that at the Rumble, Seth has a chance to cement himself as the future of the company and tonight when the contract is signed, Brock will explain the difference between fantasy and reality. Heyman is so great.

More Savage impressions. Miz's was good, Dean and Cena were good. Kane didn't try. Miz is out to face Jey Uso. They do some stuff and Miz gets the Finale thanks to a Mizdow distraction. Daniel Bryan is up next. He came out and they played a video of him overcoming the odds to win the WWE World Heavyweight Title at WM 30. He's going to win the Rumble this year and re-win the title at WM too! Steph's out. I was just thinking the show needed more of The Authority. Steph plugged her DVD and then showed clips of the tombstone on the floor. Loved his stern yes in response to her asking if he's ready to do this all over again. Steph acts like the Rumble won't be his first match back, but we know that. He'll face Kane on SD. Kane's out. Even this brawl seems like it's in slow motion.Suicide dive is back. Hopefully he nixes the headbutt. Seth brags to his boys, who warn him about Brock being behind him. He has a cool staredown, mocks the idea of Seth being the future, and Heyman cools things down a bit.

Brie's out to face Paige, who sticks her tongue out hilariously at her. They do some moves and Paige loses to a distraction schoolgirl. Cena is brooding backstage. Bray said words. Bray can fuck off forever. Cole pimps TMZ breaking the story in print...where is this site printed? Savage HOF video was fantastic though. Cole talked about The Ascension believing they should already be in the HOF, so the gimmick is now that they're delusional. Gut beat up a guy who JBL buried as a chef. "He's Asian, not cajun!" This little dude is taking amazing bumps for these two - hire him now! We've missed...several chapters of this Ambrose-shrink story as Dean is now the shrink and tells him he won't go blind from the adolescent stuff - trust him. And then he went on a bit too long and talked about cow dung and it being weird that the guy sits down to pee.

Ryback and Lana are out thanking the Authority for firing Ryback. Lana says the USA chants won't help them. Rusev's "Ryback, I HAVE A SECRET FOR YOU" bit ruled. Dean's out. Rusev vs. Dean feud time - well, Dean's got some jobs to do. An ad for Dig aired with some bare-assed guy.ON THE APP, Lilian announced this match. Rusev does the front clip that Swagger does to the knee. Booker's just saying words in a random sequence now talking about unbeaten and multi-superstars. Flying standing elbow hits for 2. Dean gets his knee smashed in the corner and the ref stops it due to the knee. Dean protests and eats a superkick. Wow. They bury PPV again and plug the network. It's now nearly 11. Looks like we're going until at least 11:20. Lordy. Domino's is really doing a great job making working there seem like pure hell.

OH THANK GOD ABOVE THE AUTHORITY HAVE A MIC! Seth's out. Now Cena. Finally, Brock. I do enjoy JBL bringing up Brock being IWGP Champion. Brock is NOT AMUSED by Heyman liking Seth. The Vacant>Lesnar sign gets a chuckle out of me. Love Seth saying that he doesn't have Brock's list of accomplishments, but Brock doesn't have his. He designed the Shield, broke it up, won MITB, beat Cena tonight, brought the Authority back, and at the Rumble, he's winning the title. Cena quickly yells a lot about how Seth's going to get beaten down by both guys, I think. A brawl broke out and Brock Germaned Cena, Cena AA'd Brock, and Seth stomped him and Brock too. Such a great go-home segment for Seth. Shame the PPV isn't this Sunday.

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