Gene meets with Ted DiBiase and Virgil, and Gene says that last year, Ted ALLEGEDLY drew 30, but some feel he paid off the original winner. Gene says that this year, Jack Tunney has more security in place, and Ted of course draws number 1. Ted says he'll be number 1, and he'll end this thing and win it! Gene is by far the best backstage interviewer ever. Genius minces around with his scroll Beefcake, the male stripper, is out in white and pink and hales from San Francisco. So in there with Genius, this isn't exactly the most manly match out there. Jesse talks about Genius beating Hogan and they zoom in on Genius's dick while he puts the knee pads up. Genius leaves to do cartwheels while Jesse says he's light in the loafers - but so what. Jesse was quite progressive for '90. Beefcake minces around and tells Genius to kiss his ass.
Lanny cheapshots him with an eye rake and nails some great body blows. Beefer regains control and Genius goes to the corner and gets crotched, wedgied, and straddled on the ropes. Beefer dominates, but Genius regains control with a dropkick. Genius stomps away, but Beefer comes back and rakes the face. Sleeper's on, but Lanny counters and Beefer tosses him into the ref. Beefer gets the sleeper again, but there's no ref. He's out, but there's no ref - and he wants to get the sheers. Beefer cuts the hair on top and then Perfect comes out with a rarely-seen orange singlet with neon yellow and black backing. Hennig attacks WHILE HE'S CUTTING THE HAIR. The bell sounds due to the attack and Perfect hits him in the gut with a chair. Shockingly, neither announcer is treating this devastating weapon like it's a toy. Ref DQs both guys. Well, that's fair - Beefer got SCISSORS for goodness sake, while Genius had interference. On the replay, Tony calls the chair a weapon.
Heenan Family is backstage with Andre, Haku, and a really gassed-up Rude. They all say a few words and it's clear they'll do battle if need be. WM VI plug. Garvin-Valentine is up for the submission match. I've seen this fairly recently, and it's them beating the fuck out of each other for the entire length of the match outside of when Garvin makes faces at him during the figure four. It's a super-fun match that I'm just going to watch and not do play by play on. I love Jesse saying it's okay for Greg to have a brace since he had an injury 6-9 months ago that never quite healed up.
Greg and Garvin alternate hard headbutts and chops for a while, then punches. Garvin keeps going for covers. Figure four time for Valentine! THE HAMMER JAMMER LEADS TO WACKINESS. God I love that spot. Bodybreaker backbreaker by Valentine. Jesse says he's got it on, but he needs to hook the hands and of course since he didn't, Ronnie gets out. Garvin's in a tree of woe and Greg tries to get the jammer off. Garvin is almost like a prototypical Minoru Suzuki here with his wacky faces and stiff shots. Hart gets the jammer off during a double down head bonk. Figure 4 is on, but Garvin counters. Hammer goes up top, but gets slammed. Garvin takes off the Heart Breaker, but Valentine gets a schoolboy that of course means nothing. More chops! Garvin brings Hart in for his second match of the night. Garvin bonks him with the brace and puts on the Sharpshooter, but he does it like they did in the Legends of Wrestling games using the closer leg rather than the further leg to lock it on.
Gene meets with Perfect and is absolutely offended by the thought of Perfect even USING A CHAIR. Gene exclaims ON MY GOODNESSSSSS when the chair hits the ribs. He says he has the perfect number - 30! Brother Love show. No. He brings out SISTER QUEEN SENSATIONAL SHERRI. Sherri's in a gold and black dress. It's amazing how well she fit into the major leagues and after a while, Dusty and Sapphire come down and run the heels away and dance. As JBL would say, SHE'S TWERKIN MAGGLE, SHE'S TWERKIN! The scars on Dusty's left arm are disgusting. Mooney interviews Duggan, who faces the Bossman. Bossman coming out to Slick's theme is odd.
I'm looking forward to this because it should just be two dudes punching each other a ton, and is to start. Elbow to the neck. Backrake by Bossman. Punches. This isn't bad, but it's not really exciting either. Bossman's shirt is just covered in sweat a few minutes in, which couldn't have been comfortable. Great bit with Slick choking Duggan with his tie when he's on the ropes. Bearbug by Bossman, but Duggan tries the old ear clap. Bossman takes a great bump over the top for a clothesline. Bossman regains control, but misses a belly flop splash. Duggan decides to just run into him without a gameplan, so they're both down. Bossman gets the nightstick, but Slick can't distract the ref long enough so he's DQed. Duggan attacks Bossman from behind and then hits Slick with it too. Heels throw chairs in and Duggan uses one to sit in and nearly gets hit in the head with the other.
Yet another WM VI plug. Earthquake and Bravo hop around. Ax and Smash say they got 1 and 2 last year and know how hard each other hits, which is BAD FOR EVERYONE ELSE IN THERE! Bad News tells the fat sharecroppers to get the tissues ready tonight. Dusty and his nasty scars talk about Savage and how he hopes Savages is IN DERE WHEN HE GETS DERE BABY! Rockers have tassled belly shirt tanktops on. The Mightly holy Jesus the arms on this guy Hercules warns everybody. HE'S GONNA WIN THE RUMBLE ROYAL TODAY! Martel is also gassed to the gills here. Tito says HE'S COMING TO FIGHT AND WIN AND HE'S COMING OUT A WINNER. And yelling way too much. Oh goodie, now it's Snuka. ROYAL WUMBLE WOO WOO WOO. Akeem boogies for a bit. Warrior and his perm talk about walking normally and how the 29 men want special attractions like the Royal Rumble and the Warriors only see it as a day of combat. THE FEELINGS AND DESTINATIONS FROM PARTS UNKNOWN AND HULK HOGAN WALKS ON HORIZONS CLOSE TO WHERE HE'S BEEN. WHAT!? Jesse and his skullet rat tail talk with Tony. Jesse looked a lot younger bald. OH THANK GOD MORE PROMOS!
Macho King is gassed up here talking about going after everyone AND HE'S NUMBER 1. He's got a purple and black top, orange and black shades, and the gold and purple crown. Fuji talks with the Powers of Pain, who even had the LOD knockoff haircuts. Jake talks about the Rumble being a crazy concept and the man who wins isn't going to be the best wrestlers - be the guy who's willing to sacrifice a bit more than others, which is right up his alley. Hart Foundation's backstage and Jim's got a pink wacky hat on. HTM says he hopes he's number 1 SO HE CAN PLAY ALL 29 OF HIS HITS! Hulk Hogan, the champion, talks about the Rumble. Boy is it hard to believe that the WM title shot stip only became a thing in '93 because otherwise, it theoretically means about as much as something like the Bragging Rights trophy. Hogan is oiled-up, roided up, and orange. "Hulkamania's at its peak!". I bet it got that way with some efficient cycling.
Ted gets no theme, but KOKO B WARE does. Ted clubs away, hits a back elbow and stomps away. Jesse says that being number 1 helped Ted here since he jumped Koko - a valid point. OH NO TED, he tried to bonk the black guy's head into the buckle and that didn't work. Koko gets a headbutt and nails some really nice snap jabs - very Road Dogg-ish there. Koko dashes in but Ted backdrops him out. Marty's out and punches away before getting the jumping back elbow. Marty goes for a crossbody, but sends himself over the top. Again, the wise veteran uses his ring smarts to survive. Roberts comes out and Marty tries a running high five and Jake's just not doing that man.
Ted and Jake go at it on the floor. Million Dollar Dream is on, but Jake ducks and sends him into the post. Jake backdrops Ted, but Ted backdrops him out of the DDT. Ted takes a wacky flip bump off a shot, which is sure stupid. Savage is out in one of his sillier getups in this gimmick - powder blue with black and neon orange, purple, yellow, and orange accents, orange boots, with neon green laces. Savage and Ted team up here with flying axehandles and elbows. Piper's out to even the odds. He runs wild with so much fire in there. He unhooks Roberts, which Jesse questions, but Tony says he can't toss him out if he's tied up.
Warlord and his roid belly are out. Jake slugs away at Savage, and man did he ever have some great punches. Piper punches away on Warlord. Hitman gets a nice pop and fights Ted. Bret and Warlord go at it while Jesse says it's smart to do that since you've got a lot of energy now, so you're better off trying now than later. Long stretch of nothing. Bad News is out and Savage takes out Roberts. MASSIVE pop for Dusty and he goes right to Savage, who bumps like a champ for him. Rhodes backdrops him to the floor. Punches galore and NOW IT'S ANDRE! Andre just chucks Warlord out. Heenan and Fuji got at it a bit. Andre does the butt bump in the corner and doubles up Dusty and Roddy for a shoulder charge. Andre gets the Frankenstein's monster choke on Roddy. Rooster's out and fights Dusty right away. Piper backdrops Brown to the floor, and he pulls Piper out. Big RODDY chant breaks out.
Virgil prevents Ted from being tossed out by Dusty. Ax is out. Andre tosses out the Rooster. Ax slugs away on Andre and Tony sets this up as a tag title deal too. Front row is yelling weasel at Heenan. Dusty and Bret try to get Ted out, but Dusty leaves to battle Andre. Dusty and Ax tie Andre up and beat him down. Andre double gut punches them really quickly. Haku comes down to help. Dusty fires away on Haku. Long period of nothing. Andre holds Ax for the big kick from Haku. Smash is out and they fight Andre in the corner. Akeem lumbers down and Jesse puts over THE AFRICAN DREAM moniker. Dusty is in there too. Demos take down Haku and send Andre out. Andre punches Smash to save Haku. Bret's out somehow too. Dusty and Akeem go at it in the corner. Snuka's out and sends Akeem out.
Dino Bravo's out. Ax attacks him and the Demos go to take Ted out, but Dino saves and Ted goes to the eyes. Earthquake's out at 19. Quake takes out Dusty, Ax and goes after Haku. Jim runs out wackily and goes after Quake. Jim and Quake look nearly the same size due to their thickness. Everyone gangs up and gets Quake out of there. Warrior's out and takes out Bravo. Warrior and Jim go at it. Martel's out. Haku kicks Smash and he's out. Tito's in and Martel and Tito go at it. Honky's out and teams with Ted to fight Warrior. Neidhart's out. WARIOR TAKES OUT THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN! Hogan comes out at 25 to a reasonable pop - honestly, Dusty's was about as big. Hogan takes out Snuka and boots Haku out.
Martel and Warrior take out Tito. HTM chokes Hogan with his shirt. Shawn's out and fights with Martel. Hogan takes out Honky. Warrior chucks out Shawn, and then Martel's out. IT'S DOWN TO HOGAN AND WARRIOR! Love them doing the tackles to no reaction, then doing a cross cross leading to a double clothesline that takes each down. It's such a perfect tease, and it's time for someone else to come down. It's Barbarian and he picks his spots on Hogan and Warrior. Hogan bumps for his big boot before chopping Warrior down. Rude runs in before his countdown, resulting in the clock appearing when he was in here. Tony says he jumped the gun, but he's in so there's nothing they can do. Rude dropkicks Warrior down. Rude and Barb nearly take Hogan out, but Warrior saves him. They jump Warrior in the corner and Hogan causes the elimination of Warrior with a big clothesline to the back of the heels. What a dick. Herc's out at 29, so Perfect is coming out next. Herc's punches look awful.
Axe bomber to Barb from Hogan. Jesse says that Hogan intentionally got rid of Warrior. Herc ducks a Barb kick that hits Rude and Herc takes Barb out. Perfect and Rude take Herc out. Perfect is sent through the middle rope, but he low bridges Rude so it's down to Hogan and Perfect. Hennig hits Hogan with his father's own Axe Bomber. Perfect Plex hits, but HOGAN GETS UP before Perfect. Oh fuck off. Perfect bumps around to make Hogan look good and he sends him over the top. Wow - what a shitty finish. Hogan grabs a fan's Hulkamania Will Live Forever banner while Jesse buries him for turning on his friend the Warrior WHO SAVED HIM. Man does that maroon and yellow Rumble logo still look good.
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