Monday, January 5, 2015

WWE Raw 1-5-15

I decided to not get a refund for Wrestle Kingdom 9 on the Flipps app. I've got it on demand for 30 days, so I might as well watch the thing in English a bunch. Hell, just watching most of the semi-main and main event made me feel like I got my money's worth. Now Raw on the other hand...not so much. I only have cable due to wrestling and I can almost fully justify that for Lucha Underground - now if I got AXS too, that'd be great. Authority's back, balloons are over the ring and there will be talking. Raw's 80 year closing segment was summarized to a minute, but spliced in with Cena and Edge stuff and Vince announcing the Cena decision stip on the PPV. RAW INTRO! Haven't seen this in ages. Don't need to see it again. Roman now closes it with his fist out. Everyone on the roster is mid-ring. New Day's got some jobberiffic tracksuits - don't even have their logo on it. Cena's talking. SIN CARA IS RIGHT NEXT TO CENA!

 Sin Cara's in new black, white, and blue gear that looks awesome. HHH buried Hogan, the computer GM, and said the company was a sinking ship. Seth came out and Steph let out a big WOOO! HHH talks about Seth being rewarded with a slot in the Cena-Brock match, so now it's a triple threat. HHH's forehead is very red. I was wrong - the New Day's logo is on their tracksuits on the side that wasn't on-camera before. HHH makes Dolph-Barrett tonight for the IC Title, and IT'S NEXT! We get Roman-Show tonight and Ryback-Seth. Cole's suit is something else.

There's an Indiana Jones marathon on USA this week. Indiana Jones wishes he was as cool as HHH. Dolph and Barrett get jobber intros, but a big-match intro. Barrett's new gear looks awful and he's quite pale. Looks like just a dude. Nice punt to the something from Barrett off a corner leap from Dolph. Dolph wins via fluke crucifix, but eats a beating. Barrett now beneath the IC Title after one week. Amazing. Announce table tossing. Not a toss into THE DREADED STEPS. They can withstand 2200 pounds of pressure! This is like a post Fire Pro Wrestling Returns match with an endless post-match sequence. Kane's out and he apologizes for not saying it was 2/3 falls. Okay, that's better than just doing what they did. Slightly. Wasteland hits and Cole calls it Winds of Change before being corrected. Doctors are tending to Dolph. 

They come back and Wasteland again gets 2.5. Booker's trying to put over Dolph hard. HE DID NOT BECOME ROLLING STONE WWE WRESTLER OF THE YEAR BY LAYING DOWN! Barrett gets another chinlock. Crowd is largely dead. Stinger splash misses by a mile. ANOTHER CHINLOCK leads to Dolph escaping and getting the stinger splash. Winds of Change gets 2. BNB goes for the elbow, but Dolph gets the superkick for 2.9. Kane gets up on the apron, eats a superkick and Barrett gets the elbow for the win. He's now a five-time IC Champion, and none of those reigns meant a damn thing. Cole talks about the Authority making this John Cena Appreciation Night with clips from the WWE Network. Cena-Angle is up with the same video they always play for it.

Cole pimps Roman-Show later and they recap ROMAN BEING CRUSHED WITH A TABLE! Shouldn't they have THE DREADED ANNOUNCE TABLE MATCH!? Renee meets with her guest at this time Roman Reigns, who can leap over a tall building in a single bound. Roman Reigns has apparently been marathoning 70 year Superman cartoons. This Bray Wyatt promo isn't doing much to excite me about this show.  WWE is now excited by winning a Pop Sugar award. Gut and Fivehead, THE ASCENSION! God, I love the random movements they have. They're just moving limbs around here. Fivehead cut a promo on Ax and Smash - THEY'D DESTROY DEMOLITION! Gut said HEEEY VIK! JBL buried them. Then Booker buried them. High Low on the jobbers leads to JBL burying them for fighting scrubs. JBL talked about ROMAN-SHOW BEING A MATCH YOU'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER!

Cena's WWE Title win at WM 21 was shown. Booker said like five sentences throughout the first hour. Show's out clubbering a bit. Slam. Steps on the stomach and they talk about his stomach. Cole puts over the Superman quotes. Bearhug from Show. After several centuries of stuff, Show grabbed THE DREADED 200 POUND STEPS THAT CAN WITHSTAND 2200 POUNDS OF PRESSURE and hit Roman for a DQ. Show goes to bonk him mid-ring, eats a spear and they "fall on his head." They talked about Raw being broadcast in India now. WHAT A SHOW YOU'RE ENJOYING! They recapped the opening of the show and Cena appreciation. If the Authority is doing Cena appreciation mockingly, SHOULDN'T EVERY VIDEO BE OF HIM LOOKING BAD or does that just not exist?

Nattie-Nikki recap cuts out the wedgie from last week. Cole recaps Nattie and Paige's Total Divas storyline of something, which they don't recap. KO forearm, but Paige and Brie argue, so Nikki loses via distraction schoolgirl. So I think Paige has turned face for reasons. Paige laid out the Bellas. Ambrose talks about not making resolutions - he doesn't need more money, to lose weight, or become a better person. ALL HE NEEDS TO DO IS KICK ASS! They talk about Stuart Scott dying at 49 and that being too young to die. So why do so many wrestlers die at 40?

Rowan came out to NO REACTION. Harper's out to no reaction as well, but in a nastier shirt than usual. This gets 2 guest refs - J and J Security. Love Joey being all tatted up. Rowan gets a spin kick and the refs trip over each other and can't count. Lariat hits and Noble does a fast 3 count. The true punishment for Team Cena would be to make them watch this show on a loop. Rowan goes to attack Noble, but Harper saves and they do a Kaientai dropkick to him. Cena joins Raw in '05 clip. OH MY GOD, Jericho's hair in this clip.

Wacky Big Show in the SD clip. They put over the new Rumble main event and the WWE Network launching in the UK and Ireland on 1/19. OH BOY A SIX PERSON TAG MATCH LATER! Mizes and Alicia against the Usos and Naomi. Alicia, who was last a face, talks to Naomi about her being kicked off Total Divas for her. Alicia attacks with baby powder before Emma and Cameron save. Cameron's now a face? Maybe? Ambrose-Wyatt recap. Dean came out looking at the ambulance and the stretcher nearby. Shouldn't Dean be running after this fucker instead of letting him do his whole deal? They brawl into the crowd then IMMEDIATELY GO TO THE AMBULANCE. Wow. SINCE WHEN DO AMBULANCES HAVE ALL-WHITE TABLES WITH RED CROSSES IN THEM?! Bray goes after the knee. Bonks him with the stretcher than on the ramp. Bray decides to fight AWAY FROM THE AREA THAT WILL LET HIM WIN. Of course. Knee to the post.


Ad airs for Austin's show. He's got quite a gut on him in this. Ambrose gets a brief comeback before Bray hits the shotgun lariat. They fight by the ambulance. Running lariat with Dean pinned on the ramp putting him up on it. Bray grabs the BRIGHT WHITE RED CROSS TABLE. I hope WWE gets a legal letter for the red cross logo. Flying lariat off the ramp. Bray bonks Dean into the ambulance and someone swears. Fans yell for tables. They do the singapore cane eye poke bit with the back board. Cole's now acting like THE BRIGHT WHITE TABLE WITH A RED CROSS is subtle. And JBL's talking about MASH characters. Dean attacks, puts him on the table, leaps to the ambulance with a cool shot. Elbow RIGHT THROUGH THE RED CROSS TABLE! Shouldn't Dean open the doors first before lifting him up? Nope. Abigail into the ambulance. Bray closes one door, but Dean kicks another. Abigail on the floor and Dean loses. So Dean jumped off an ambulance to the floor for 30 second heat segment. Dean is Dead. Rumble hype. AND THEY CONTINUE TO BURY PPV. Christ guys, you get 100,000 buys that you don't really deserve and then bitch about it. They re-re-recap the Authority opening the show.

Mixed tag is up. Cole recaps Naomi leaving Total Divas to focus on...her music career? I figured she was talking about her wrestling career, but whatever. Women do stuff. Guys do stuff. Heels win with a distraction finish. According to Cole, Jimmy confused HIS WIFE, who is black, wearing his orange shirt, and in blue and black checkered gear for Damien Mizdow. They run a new WWE Network ad burying cable and satellite companies. Thank God, it's Ryback - he'll sure cure the show of what ails it. Ryback's arms sure are veiny.  Seth's out. I'm guessing Seth drops the fall at the Rumble and then wins the title the next night on Raw. Now Kane's out. The match is now a handicap match. HOT DAMN, KANE VS. RYBACK WILL SURELY HELP THIS SHOW! They do stuff, Ryback gets the edge and Kane returns from the break with a chinlock. Seth gets an Okada-esque dropkick to get the edge. Kane's in. FEED ME MORE CHINLOCKS! Seth and Ryback go at it. Nice chops from Ryback. J and J prevents the Meathook, but he hits it anyway. Kane saves him from the Shellshock. Shellshock to Kane, but SETH GETS THE CURB STOMP! He's not totally out, so he hits a second and that's it for Ryback. Booker says no one man can beat two despite RYBACK DOING THAT A TON in 2012, and even beating three guys. Three weeks until the Rumble - this wait seems endless.

Paige faces Nikki on Main Event. Adam Rose is out to face someone from Team Black Guys. Big E. Crowd is actually clapping for the New Day, kinda. Thank God we get to hear about the Rose-Big E thing instead of actually seeing it. Rose bullied the Rosebuds and Big E talked to them about taking control. Booker, what the hell would Big E curling a lot have to do with him being able to avoid being choked out? Kidd and Cesaro dressed up as Rosebuds attacked Big E. Cesaro in a leotard was not a good look. KIDD DANCING ON CESARO'S SHOULDERS IS SO AMAZING! They plug Crybabies on the Countdown and JBL buries Teddy for not paying trans.


At nearly 11 PM, it's Cena apprecation. Steph comes out and says we're in the office, and the audience. They go to a long recap of last week before Steph calls Cena her hero and HHH talks about telling Shawn how much Cena sucked when he started out. HHH flubbed a lot of things here. HHH teased the annual CENA'S JOINING THE DARK SIDE bit. More flubs. PREASE WELCOME! So Hunter did watch Wrestle Kingdom! HHH brings out the losers of Team Cena. HHH says that Erick joined the matched SHEEPISHLY and wants a 30 day no pay deal. They dragged out a firing bit for all of them. ROWAN WILL HAVE TO GO BACK TO BEING AN AWARD-WINNING WINEMAKER, NO! They played Stars and Stripes Forever while Steph danced and confetti fell. 

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