Monday, January 19, 2015

Raw 1-19-15

BROCK HAS BEEN ADVERTISED FOR RAW IN ADVANCE! Five minutes in advance, but still! These MLK shots would be so much nicer without the WWE logo and hashtag stuff on them. They cut from the MLK video to the newly racially-diversified broadcast team - amazing timing there. YAY DOOM! Brock is here! Brock grabs the mic and says SETH ROLLINS, GET YA ASS OUT HERE, BOY! So awesome - I hope Brock re-signs for a year as a face, because he rules! He gave Brock ten seconds to come down AND THE FANS CHANTED. HAPPY BROCK IS HAPPY TO START WHOOPING SOME ASS. Can't wait for his babyface turn. I had a dream that HHH would talk more. He offers to buy Brock off with steak, but BROCK WANTS A FIGHT, so Steph comes down with Show and Kane.

Brock as a babyface is amazing already. Seth cuts a promo on Brock and Heyman says they'll keep things between THE ADULTS now. Cena's out with his bright blue shirt. That is one ugly color for Cena - I hated it on the Shop update, and it looks worse on him. Cena yammers on about how THE AUTHORITY LIGHTS A FIRE UNDER HIM LIKE NO ONE ELSE. Cena has zero chemistry with the Authority at all. John Cena would do anything to get ERICK ROWAN back. Cena calls the Authority the world's biggest ashholes. HARDEEHARHAR! It is so bizarre to hear them talk about John Cena, the present biggest star in the industry, in the past tense. This was great until "they talked and they talked and they talked and they talked". Seth popping in with snide comments FROM THE TITANTRON is a great little touch. He messed up the "tuck your tail between your legs" line, but he was good otherwise. Cena asks that if he wins the title, his buddies will get their jobs back.

HHH says that he'll give Cena a match tonight - if he wins, he can fight for the title and get his friends their jobs back, but if he loses, he loses his shot and they're still fired. HHH is entirely too generous in the Mr. McMahon role. HHH says that the FIFTEEN MILLION PEOPLE WHO HAVE DOWNLOADED THE WWE APP will choose Cena's fate tonight. BLOCKBUSTER BREAKING NEWS, AND IT'S UP TO THE WWE UNIVERSE TO DECIDE CENA'S FATE! Cole reiterates what HHH said. OH YAY A VIDEO TUTORIAL HOW TO DOWNLOAD AN APP!

Bray gets a jobber intro for the Bryan match. Bryan dives off the top to the floor with a bodyblock but Bray doesn't fully catch him. Yikes. WWE is actually bragging about #keepthedreamalive because they started the show with it. Throat thrust on top sends Bryan to the floor before the bodyblock. Bray gets headbutts and a seated full nelson - it is amazing that crowds just die the second he goes on offense. Booker compares Bryan's neck injury to Paul Orndorff's. Bryan takes a flip bump and lands nastily off the shotgun lariat. Could Bryan please stop killing himself in literally meaningless TV matches?

They come back, and ON THE WWE APP, THINGS HAPPENED. SPEAKING OF THE WWE APP, it's been downloaded 15 million times. Bryan comes back with the corner dropkick and the kicks. Rana off the top gets 2. Bryan's taking a smarter bump off the dive at least by rolling to his arm. Kane gets involved and Bray wins Bryan's Raw return match. Shockingly, the crowd didn't come alive for this. Kane claps to make him the only man who makes noise in the building, and then he chokeslams Bryan. Kane runs wild on Bryan with "punches" from the mount. Dolph Tweet. WWE sure is giving these fired guys a lot of air time. They hyped up the legends panel with Hogan, Flair, and HBK next about the Rumble. Oh joy - can't wait for the verbiage.

SmackDown Rules! This just in - POWERSAUCE IS AMAZING! We got a Rowan tweet about something. HHH talks to someone about something before Hall comes in with a pre-show dye job that looks awful. HBK, Nash, and Hall said jokes. Sand-pac came down and then he and X-Pac did a bit. Dammit - I wanted Sandow vs. X-Pac! They said he should be ashamed of the show, he was, and...what was this exactly? Recap of HHH-Cena earlier. Love the clip starting with 15 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE DOWNLOADED THE WWE APP! Hogan came out, followed by Flair, and HBK. "Hulks arms are even bigger!" according to JBL. HBK now entered in at number 1 in the Rural Rumble. HBK looks ri-goddamn-diculous in his XXL camo shirt, jeans, and giant cowboy boots. Byron asks the legends about Cena's stip. I can't wait to hear their thoughts on the aspie wine maker. "Yes, no, yes" Hell of a Q and A here.

Flair talked about winning the '92 Rumble and they showed pics of him going at it with Hogan and HBK in there - that was nice. After some more generic questions, HBK said Bray can win the Rumble. Hogan is barely taller than HBK now. HBK referenced their Summerslam '05 match - hard to believe that was nearly a decade ago. Hogan picked Bryan Danielson to pick the Royal Rumble. Flair picked Ambrose and strutted. I can't wait for Ambrose to dress and act like Flair now. Big Show came down, and I'll just guess that he's going to bully the legends, but THE BIG DAWG, THE JUGGERNAUT makes the save. Show is upset that none of them picked him BECAUSE THEY'RE JEALOUS OF HIM! Love Show stating facts here - retroactively, WCW's booking of show was great 20 years later. I'm sure we'll get Show bragging about losing to Austin in his first match at some point. Flair randomly bouncing off the ropes is hilarious. I would mark hard for one more Flair match. He chopped Show and ate a punch before THE BIG DAWG came down. Nice of Roman to come down now - minutes after Show first made his threats.


Renee met with Her Guest at This Time John Cena. Renee is somehow spinning Cena getting overwhelming support is a bad thing and a sign that they have no faith in him. Barrett came out to face Ambrose for some reason. Dean dominates with chops, a rope eye rake, power drive elbow, and a boot to the gut. They pimp the 2014 Rumble on the Network later. Ambrose gets the apron dropkick and the go to a break while a fan yells about being on camera. Post-break chinlock from Barrett leads to the diving elbow getting 2. Dean goes for something, but sells the knee due to the ambulance match, while Cole credits Rusev. Dean counters Wasteland with Dirty Deeds. DEAN WINS! WWE's never-ending burial of PPV is amazing. Rumble video. If you win the Rumble, you can open WrestleMania and then go on to make more money than you ever did in WWE by wrestling on the indies! Roman made history last year, WILL HE DO IT AGAIN THIS YEAR!? HHH isn't just the King of Kings, and the King of the Cell, he's also been in the Royal Rumble the longest!

Every one of the New Day has a mic and none of them are getting a reaction. Team Black People can't even get a reaction on Martin Luther King Jr. Day. They're facing Swiss Cats and Facts. Tyson checking an imaginary watch before a ONE ARMED DELAYED SUPLEX is fantastic. Swing into the dropkick set up some crossfaces by Cesaro. Kingston gets a fluke rollup for the win. Rosebuds say NEW DAY! Hall, Nash, and X-Pac are up next.

They made Bryan-Kane for SD a no DQ match. Lilian introduces Scott Hall, Kevin Nash, and X-Pac "NWO" - IT'S THE NWO, DAMMIT! Hall got a hey yo out and did the survey bit. He looks pretty good - WWE's makeup team did a great job with him because he looked like hell on the site pics. Nash hyped up the WBE network and how the NWO created the Monday night war. Waltman looks astonishingly good for living 80 lifetimes in 40 years. THE ASCENSION came out. Love Cole being so upset at the Ascension NOT HAVING MANNERS in there with the NWO. Oh good - Gut has added more paint to his eyes. Crowd chanted YOU SUCK at The Ascension. Gut says they were BORN AND BRED TO RIP AND SHRED! Fivehead cut a promo on A TAG TEAM FROM WCW! JBL in jeans and a dress shirt is hilarious. #alwayspoundingass APA reunion sets up an NAO reunion too. Outlaws kick the ass of the Ascension. CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL from JBL. Mr. Ass and Always Pounding Ass in one ring! The Ascension is beyond dead.

HHH and Steph met with a drummer to do a drumroll for the announcement of Cena's opponent. There's been a ton of speculation apparently. What speculation? There's been ZERO ON-AIR SPECULATION ABOUT CENA'S OPPONENT! He's facing Seth, Show, and Kane. HHH and Steph are above everyone. It's astonishing. HHH and Steph buried the drummer and then had a bugler play that funeral song. This was bizarre. Bellas are on commentary for a divas tag. Paige and Nattie face the Bellas on PPV since Nikki's hurt and can't work singles matches. Paige needs more moves from the mount. CM Punk chant broke out. Nattie shoves Alicia into a superkick party and then hits the PTO for the win.

New Day faces Team Swiss Party Cats in an elimination six-man tag. Rusev's out to kill Truth. RUSEV NEW LINEAR WORLD CHAMP! WOOP DERE IT IS IN in 2015. Every Rusev squash ever. Seth spends a few seconds bragging to his security team before Brock says he won't hurt him tonight - he's a prize fighter. Jey's in the ring for a match against one of the Mizes - they faces the Mizes at the Rumble. "Does Mizdow tan by moonlight?" JBL rules sometimes. Superfly dive wins over Miz. Cole, Booker, and JBL buried PPV again. I love WWE basically telling you that you're a fool if you have ever spent $55 on their shows here.

Heel trio is mid-ring. THERE'S BEEN A TON OF SOCIAL MEDIA CHATTER TONIGHT REGARDING JOHN CENA! Cole honest-to-God said "Stephanie was out here earlier UP IN CENA'S GRILL!" Heels attacked with strikes for a while. With Cena in black shorts and a white belt, I approve of Cena going with gear colors that are much easier to replicate in Fire Pro Wrestling Returns. They do stuff for a while. J and J distracts, Seth gets 2 off a schoolboy and then 2 off the kneeling superkick. SUPERKICK RIGHT TO THE SHNOUT! AA to Seth, but Kane gets involved to prevent 3. 9 count on the floor after a Kane beating. So the fired faces get involved in the finish right? Chokeslam to Cena from Kane gets 2.9. THE VIGILANTE STING appears on the tron in a new black and red jacket and shirt, points, and Cena wins with a schoolboy!  BROCK COMES DOWN AND ATTACKS SETH and F5s Kane and Show!


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