Wednesday, January 7, 2015

TNA Impact Wrestling 1-7-15


TNA's first-run shows have been off the air since November, and the best of stuff left a lot to be desired. Now, they're returning on Destination America and the in-show images from the show make things look a bit depressing in terms of the crowd and overall setup. The show begins with someone opening an envolope saying the bus is ready to take them to the Manhattan Center while a new slick rap intro shows the roster looking cool and then a big brawl breaks out on the streets. The intro is way too busy and filled with shaky cam bullshit. The brawl spills into the building, which is incredibly dark. Josh is now the lead play by play guy, and Taz's audio sounds absolutely horrible. Someone is hitting Jeff Hardy. It's impossible to see anything. Fans are taking selfies with the wrestler. Kurt comes down and yells about it being in NYC.

Matt Hardy's fighting I think Sheera while Kurt makes Low Ki defend his title tonight, Taryn defends, and Storm and Abyss defend too. TNA deserves death. This roster deserves jobs, but this company deserves to die. Angle says every title is on the line now, and then MVP runs in with bright blue and purple pants and a shiny shirt. Horrible muting for this "shut the fuck up" chant. MVP's promo is now impossible to understand. MVP doing a Rodney Dangerfield impression is great. MVP says that Angle's a has-been, and then Kurt says he's no longer in charge of the show. So...why did he make the matches? Now he's a wrestler again, and we're getting Angle-MVP in a street fight. So Angle left as the GM, but made matches, but he had no power then? What? Street fight is next.

They exchange holds and MVP gets a kneebar. MVP takes off his shiny overshirt. MVP should've kept his outer shirt on. Crowd's chanting MV-Pussy resulting in more horrible muting. MVP attacks the knee on the steps. MVP gets 2. MVP goes for a powerbomb, but Angle rolls through into an ankle lock. MVP escapes and gets a side choke on. Taz says it's SHADES OF SAMUEL SHAW. I'd have gone with Brock against Shane Carwin, but whatever. MVP gets put in the ankle lock again and rolslt through it. Angle slam gets 3. This was a total clusterfuck of a show intro and a very bad match given the standards of both guys. Kurt looks worse than Fujiwara did at WK 9. Low Ki is shown backstage in Game of Death gear while the other champs get ready too. The dingy shade of blue used on the ropes hurts things so much.

They come back and plug ShopTNA while a shot of a wall airs. Josh talks about Dixie pulling the curtain back and showing Big John. EC3 is with Tyrus, with a giant new beard, and Crazzy Steve is being wacky. Josh talks about taking over as lead play by play guy, while Tenay is backstage talking about what his role will be - doing a stat-heavy show recapping Impact with new interviews. Why not just integrate these things into Impact? Storm talks about management not doing what they could with him, so he's going to take TNA over. Storm talks about the devil and Tenay makes Tenay Faces.

Storm's out with bright orange camo gear. Wolves have added clawmark body paint and the Hardys are out.JEFF HARDY looks less ridiculous than every other person out there. Wrestling With Death from WGN America gets a plug. Wolves dive onto each member of the Revolution with double dives one by one. Well, that was a cute highlight 40 MINUTES INTO THE SHOW. Chokeslam to Davey on the apron from Abyss. I dig the new tag title graphics. Please let that be bodypaint and these fuckers didn't actually tattoo clawmarks on their skin for The Wolves gimmick. Double superkick to Abyss. Davey's in the corner, but he moves too quickly, so Storm decides to hop onto the middle buckle with his balls for some reason. Hardys get involved in the match with a bullrope. This isn't a DQ, instead Storm superkicks someone and pins them. Fuck TNA. EC3 grabs a camera guy, but can't be heard over TNA's new bumper music.

Roode-Lashley I recap and they show new match graphics, which are fine. Opening brawl recap.  We get another really exciting shot of a wall to bring us back to the show. MVP and King broke up with Lashley. JB is mid-ring and then EC3 comes down and JB makes the greatest face ever. EC3 talks, Tyrus brings Spud down and EC3 threatens a live scalping. After a century, they shave JB's head. Kenny King talks about how he and MVP don't touch each other...okay. They pimp Turning Point and recap the Spud deal. Low Ki comes out to defend the X Title and we get a quick X division recap for folks who might be new and somehow stayed until now.

Aries is facing Ki, whose Game of Death gear is badass. Josh talks about Ki being the second X Division champion, the first Ring of Honor champion, and pimps Taz's podcast having WWE HALL OF FAMER EDGE on it. Great chops from Ki lead to Aries going for overhand ones. Ki hops over, but eats a kick and goes for a suicide dive, but eats a roundhouse kick. Ki gets 2. Aries gets a missile dropkick, but Ki goes to the ropes. Corner dropkick from Aries, but Ki gets the Bite of the Dragon. Aries gets the ropes. They fight on top and Ki kicks him off. Ki goes up, Aries grabs him and brainbusters him off with a draping brainbuster for the win! That was fine. So it was a six-star match by the standards of this show. Taryn is shown backstage with the new Knockouts title that debuted on Facebook and she'll defend in a battle royal.

Some people are mid-ring and the BPs come out with the Bro-Mans. Oh yeah, they're a thing - forgot about that. DJZ and his awesome pixel glasses pimp The Amazing Race and wow is this ring ever blue. Robbie buries the Amazing Loser Brooke. Taryn's out with the new belt - it's basically the same as the old one, but with blue instead of red and a black back instead of white. Rebel bonks the BPs. Madison and Havok did stuff. Everyone's just doing things. Havok's gear looks so cheap being all ripped up. Taryn and Gail hit stereo missile dropkicks to her. Brooke returns to attack Robbie. Two toss out Velvet. Velvet could've just died on that bump. Jesus. Gail goes for a rana to Havok, but Taryn tosses them. Havok attacks anyway, so this meant nothing. Tree slam. Bearhug slam. KONG RETURNS! So...why didn't Havok win the title then? It's a shame that Kong's only doing this for a payday because she can't really work anymore.


Roode-Lashley time. Why the fuck is Lashley working in TNA? He has a chance to be a big name guy in Bellator and he's risking his health at a fairly advanced age to be doing MMA anyway. They brawl to the floor and Roode lariats him on the floor. MVP and Kenny King have some goons with them in masks. There's tons of Board guessing on who the masked me are. I guess it's not Kidd and Cesaro, so I'll go with...maybe the Outsiders. Lashley is dominating after the break and threatening the ref. Lashley gets a rear chinlock on Roode and then a bearhug, but Roode escapes and gets some running punches. Big spinebuster gets 2 for Roode. Lashley gets 2 off the powerslam and goes for a superplex, but Roode fights out and gets a RUNNING SITOUT POWERBOMB for 2. Lashley hits the Roode Bomb for 2. Lashley and his busted-open face ready for the spear, but he misses and Roode hits one for a 2.9! Goons are out with MVP, and Lashley gets 2 off a sunset flip counter. Crossface from Roode, Lashley gets up. Roode bomb gets 2.9. Crossface is on again. King pulls the ref out and Brian takes a goofy bump. Angle gets beaten up. Match is still going on. Low Ki and Joe are the masked men. EY runs out and chairshots Roode. Lashley didn't see it, but gets the spear and the win, so maybe the TNA Title gets on Bellator.

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