Monday, May 5, 2014

Raw 5-5-14

Pre-show filler is Trish's home and RAZOR RAMON'S WISHING WELL VIGNETTE! Razor's vest is amazing. WM Rewind is is dubstep out of place for this. Riley says that the PPV was ONE OF THE BEST OF ALL-TIME. It wasn't even one of the best Extreme Rules PPVs. They showed the PPV finish and some clips of Bryan at the presser. Booker calls Brie a gold digger! Glorious! "SHARMELL, RIDE OR DIE!" Lot of nothing happening. Ambrose cuts a promo saying HE'S BEEN U.S. CHAMPION FOR A YEAR and he didn't get into the business cuz it was easy. He said he'd throw punches until his arm fell off, and he wouldn't wanna be one of the 19 guys trying to steal from him!

Raw starts off with the battle royal. A fan held up a sign for Freight Train, and another one had "when it Reigns, it pours!". That's a fine little slogan. Battle royal guys got jobber intros. I love Sin Cara's red, white, and black gear. OH MY GOD, KOFI'S IN YET ANOTHER BATTLE ROYAL. YES! Guys did stuff. More stuff. Show chokeslams Henry and then Sheamus kicks him and EVERYONE throws him out. AND THEN GET RID OF HENRY TOO! Santino got rid of Dolph with the cobra. Rybaxel were not amused! Ryback turns the Brogue into a powerbomb! Nice! BROGUE KICK! Wow. Didn't see Sheamus winning this. I hope this leads to a heel turn because he won't be cheered with another cheap title win for him. HHH came out. YAY WYATTS-SHIELD IV!

Sheamus talked with Renee about spinning his wheels since returning, and how it's all about timing. Renee looks super-cute tonight. No real heel tease from Sheamus here. Steph knocked on Bryan and Brie's door and apologized for being so heavy-handed when she knocks. She told them to stay here and be safe...and then they panned to a cheap replica Kane mask. RVD came out in an orange and blue singlet with grafitti on it. He'll face Cesaro next. Cesaro's getting something out of RVD here, who is at least trying pretty hard to do stuff. Big double stomp gets 2 for Cesaro. SPRINGBOARD DIVE INTO THE UPPERCUT. Nice! ROLLING KARELIN LIFT FROM CESARO. Straight out of FPR and No Mercy. Cole called Cesaro "this kid".  One, he's in his '30s. Two, HE'S BALD! Cesaro tied him into the tree of woe and elbowed him on the floor. DQed for kicking too much ass. BOO! Heyman told him to not get suspended and just walk up the aisle. I like this - it's building to something more at the PPV, even if it's not a great finish for right now. The announcers pimped the referral program for the WWEShop stuff. "I never got a gift card from Netflix!" I really want WWE to get a legal letter for all this shit. Wyatts are here.

A blind tag is now a Total Divas storyline! Bray talked about Sister Abigail. She's a nun now. Bray's promo led to a recap video...ugh. John Cena really shouldn't be scared of an Xbox Live voice filter. Bray says he does what he does for the homeless man who can't eat, for the teenage girl who looks in the mirror and cries because she's not the prom queen. He called himself a god...who has the whole wide world in his hands. Rybaxel's out for double duty, with Ryback facing Cody. Cole buried JBL's cabinet, and JBL agreed. You can hear every person's smartass comment in this. Ryback really works the chinlock. A kid yelled at Axel to stay away. Goldust caused Cody to lose his balance accidentally and Ryback hits Shellshock for the win. Brie said she was creeped out. And acted badly with some other stuff. The lights went out and they ran from a Kane lamp. WWE Champ and his wife are running from a Kane lamp. AVAILABLE NOW ON WWESHOP FOR ONLY $25, WHICH YOU CAN GET BY REFERRING A FRIEND TO THE WWE NETWORK! Steph offered to get their car brought to them in the building. Oh lord.

WeeLC clips. Torito's out for a... pinata match or something. Time to celebrate his Mexicanity! They made jokes about Universe/Jewniverse. TRES MB came down. Torito offered him candy, but Hornswoggle spit it out and he punched him. Then Cole make jokes and explained them. Kofi's in the ring. RISE FOR LANA'S ASS! Rusev gets to beat a former 10 time champion! OH GOD MORE WITH THE WEELC MATCH! Nearly a week after it hit the Xbox One, they announced it officially. Bryan and Brie went to a car. I hope they run from a decorative Kane Christmas tree ornament next. Steph's heavy hand hit the window, and she said she'd strip Bryan of the title if he didn't wrestle tonight because he'd breach his contract. He had a match!?

Bryan had a match out of nowhere and it's against ALBERTO!? They did stuff. Went to a break. More stuff. It's impossible to care about this window dressing of a nothing match when there's an angle afoot. Alberto busted out a DDT! They had a leg kick exchange where ADR got his right thigh bruised instantly. LA MISTICA YES LOCK! Bryan wins! Kane's pyro hit. GET HER OUT OUT OF THERE. SHE COULD BE TRAPPED IN THE RING AGAIN! They ran to the car, Bryan went to the hood because the car wouldn't start, and Kane was in the backseat with Brie... God, she just won't shut up. Bryan shook him off the car and she just still kept shrieking. Kane got up and they left.

OH THANK GOD A RECAP! Big E's shirt would really look so much better if they sold them sleeveless like he wears them - the design is perfect for it. THE BRAND NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION! AND HIS CAPE came down. They did a bunch of stuff on the floor while pointing out how stupid it was of Big E to focus on the floor when he can't win the title there. They flew with the apron spear again. I don't like that being a TV spot. Barrett rakes the eyes and hits the bull hammer for the win. JOHN CENA WILL BE ON MAIN talk about what Bray said tonight. Why he isn't saying that tonight, who knows. They ran a mother's day video for Mr. T...Now this is a bit much. There's no need to mock the guy like this.

Zeb and Swagger had ZEB'S DEPORTATION LIST. Adam Rose came out and Zeb was just gobsmacked. Zeb is so great here. Cole sang Rose's theme, so you know it's cool! They used this to plug the Network stuff since the gimmick debuted on NXT. Sheamus defends his title on SD against...someone they don't want to name. So Sandow. Crowd chanted this is awesome seconds into the Shield-Wyatts match, which is a bit much. They did stuff to fill time until a staredown for an ad break. OH GOD MORE FUCKING APP PLUGS. If you download the app, you get to see Harper hit a big boot. Ambrose being such a great babyface is amazing. Loved Rollins' flip dive with the slick landing. MOONSAULT FOOT STOMP MISSED. STANDING SSP HITS! So...with Seth doing all the flipz so well, and being over, and better, why bother bringing Bourne back? SUICICAL SWAMP DIVE FROM HARPER! SWAMP CHIN MUSIC! I demand a best of 9,000 Harper-Rollins series. These two work so great together. Reigns hit the sliding kick to Bray! SUPERMAN PUNCH after a clusterfuck brawl. Evolution came out, the flyers dove onto them, then Reigns hit the Superman punch on HHH which they missed and Bray bodyblocked Reigns and hit him with Abigail to win. Draping DDT off the top rope to Seth. World's gentlest spinebuster to Dean on the steps. Reigns escaped the Pedigree, but ate an RKO. Then HHH hit the Pedigree. Triple powerbomb to Roman. Roman's mouth's busted open.

Screens -

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