Thursday, May 1, 2014

TNA Impact 5-1-14

They hyped up EY'S STREAK during the Cops credits. The Sacrifice recap was very good and made it seem like a huge show you missed. Bully painted a table, and EY cut a promo before talking to MVP. MVP's purple floral tie is awesome. MVP gave him cards, and then they did a really weird cut to Anderson and Gunner. Gunner's match really got no coverage in the recap beyond two stills. Roode bragged about beating Bully, so he's in this little card draw as well. Roode pointed out that this was incredibly stupid, but accepted since he wanted the shot. MVP rattled off convoluted bullshit about this thing. Lowest cards face each other, highest card gets the shot. Roode got the ace and gets the shot if he beats the winner of that match. Magnus came down at the 4 minute mark. This is a really briskly-paced show. Magnus demanded to know why he as the champion for 4 months (really? wow did that reign ever mean nothing) wasn't included. He didn't get MVP, but got Abyss. Abyss WAS FIGHTING FOR HIS TNA LIFE A WEEK AGO, and they're still not sure if he won...shouldn't that have been resolved before the PPV? At the PPV? At any point between last week's show and now? Abyss kicked his ass all around the ring and chokeslammed him mid-ring. Crowd chanted for Janice. Why would Janice be under the ring if he's not in the company? Magnus ran from Janice. MIKE TENAY HAS A TWITTER PAGE! BPs celebrate and Storm faces Willow.

Bully came down and struggled to move. I originally thought his paint might've been concrete, but nah, he's just...SELLING INJURIES!? IN TNA!? Kudos to him. He's got a table with Dixie on it - so she'd better be going through that at Slammiversary. Bully as a pissed off babyface works far better than him as Bad News Bully. A limo, an honest to God limo and not the van MVP came in, showed up. Dixie in a blue and neon green striped blouse came out of it. This show really makes me appreciate EY as world champs - our other options are Willow, Abyss (who may or may not be on the roster despite always being on the show), Gunner Manchild, and MIISSSTEERRR ANDERRRSSSONNN! ANDDDEERRRSOOOON! Maybe Bully, but he's not in the mix right now.

A ShopTNA ad hyped up Brittany's ass and some wacky collector's stuff. Spud showed up in one of his more ridiculous suits to date. He tried to smother her in a trash bag. Or protect her - it's funnier with the former though. It also works if you imagining him trying to get her in a better outfit from something in the trash. Anderson dropped the mic and played off it wonderfully. Anderson as a gives-no-fucks babyface is fun. His committed match was recapped with three still frames. Gunner's match was hyped up as one of the most brutal in TNA history! This got as much coverage as the committed match - BOO! Anderson's black gear with a bright yellow racing stripe and random shit on the side looks like something he made in a CAW mode in five minutes. Gunner did Savage's little finger-spinny deal before going up top. Storm was on the apron for eons and somehow accidentally hit the chubby blonde man in bright black and yellow gear instead of the giant, muscle-bound brunette with silver gear.

Magnus met with some guy who looks like Gunner, but is skinny with a sweater on. I think he was called Brent. Maybe it's Brent Albright doing a British gimmick. Ah, it's Bram! He basically said he sold out and was a pussy now. Bram's delivery is fantastic and he stood up to the ex world champion marvelously. Then EC3 was out talking in the ring. Because heaven forbid anything sink in. EC3 announced EC3-Angle for next week. EC3's chest is beaten all to hell. I like EC3 saying he HAS to beat Kurt and won't get pinned or submitted. So he's got a streak too, which I forgot about. He got a WHERE'S YOUR BOYFRIEND chant. Spud has his amateur wrestling bowtie on. Him immediately diving for the crotch is much funnier with the chant going on. Angle came out and insulted the "midget" EC3 was wrestling, said he'd end EC3's streak and hurt EC3. Angle's default look is resembling his Red Skull ECW shirt way too much right now. He's also got quite the roid belly going on. BPs talked about their celebration next and Velvet swirled her ass around.

BPs thing isn't up. The goofy Knux/Rebel bit from the PPV aired. So we don't get a proper recap of Storm/Gunner - BUT WE GET ALL OF THIS! THE FREAK...oh yeah, Rob Terry's old nickname - well hey, why not. THE MENAGERIE DEBUTS NEXT THURSDAY! Gunner working two matches without even a bandage after ONE OF THE MOST BRUTAL MATCHES IN TNA HISTORY is a bit stupid. Roode made the mistake of kicking Gunner's face, which he of course no-sold. Maybe he's part-Samoan. Dropping headbutt gets 2. Taz said EY was being risque for defending his title. Gunner hit the snap fallaway and running back elbows. I should really make him in FPR, because his moveset is just about perfect for it. Nice flying high knee too. FANTASTIC counter to an O'Connor roll flip counter by Roode - Roode went for the move, Gunner held the ropes and hit a snap DDT for a 2.9! Slingshot suplex set up the head-bonking and diving headbutt. Roode Bomb wins. TO THE BACK where Dixie said some stuff to some dudes about not leaving her side.

Angelina read a letter that they just got... at 10 PM. Their wardrobe was called crass, and they were ordered to dress as ladies. The TNA board of directors is A - a thing a B - against hot women being hot. Angelina said that they'd wear evening gowns...that they have because why not. Angelina implied that they'd strip.Okay then. Dixie came out with BLACK SHIRT SECURITY! Tenay said she was in disguise as a camera tech. I was hoping he'd say she was in disguised as a wrestling promoter. Dixie bragged about putting him through a table, and then sat on Bully's wood. Dixie doing Eva Marie's Twitter gimmick of wrestling expert is great. Loved her referencing Bully's TWITTAH MACHINE! Dixie cut a damn good promo here. BULLY RAY SHOULD FEAR DIXIE CARTER! She's being quite great here. Sadly, Bully came down to be mean. A new wall of dudes came down to protect Dixie. Now these are some security schlubs. Just perfect goobers. Bully negotiated with him and they just left. Then he threatened the remaining guys. Bully got some fun crowd participation here and was taken down by security. Dixie was trapped in the ring, but wasn't afraid - she just stood up to him and tried to slap him. Dixie was saved by MVP, who told her to leave before he changes his mind. MVP said he's had enough of their sh..enanigans, and banned them from the Impact Zone. This was fantastic hype for whatever they're doing with these two at Slammiversary.

THE WACKY WILLOW as Taz called him came down. His theme is pretty fun on its own  - as a theme, it doesn't work. Storm's theme is fantastic in both ways. Storm, like Gunner, was perfectly fine after ONE OF THE MOST BRUTAL MATCHES IN TNA HISTORY! They talked about how unpredictable Willow's offense is...and he broke into the regular Jeff Hardy routine. Poetry in Motion with the steps on the railing. Willow got a chair. Ref had no problem with this. He went for a Arabian facebuster with Storm's face on the steps, but missed. So that was really stupid then. Storm shoved the ref and got DQed. Storm threatened to slice Willow up with the bottle, but Willow hit him with his umbrella, leading to Anderson mic checking Storm on the ramp. Well, Storm sure looks stupid. Ion's goofy Okada hair is amazing. MVP met with the BroMans and made a 6-man tag, then Bully bitched MVP because he gave him the job. MVP said that he's in control of what happens in the ring...but not out of it...wink wink!

Adam and Eve ad with the spice23 promo code aired. EY hyped up his match by referencing their history in Team Canada. DJ Z is the world's greatest douchebag. Wolves came out with their black, red, and white gear. Sanada's their partner and these guys look good together. They did the double hiptoss>double dive spot from the PPV again, but added a Sanada plancha. Robbie did the head chop to Sanada, who no-sold it. Chopped and kicked the Wolves, who no-sold it AND HE THEN GOT MASSACRED WITH CHOPS, KICKS, AND A GIANT LEAPING CHOP FROM SANADA. This was glorious. Sanada moonsault sets up the double stomp for a Davey win. This was a highlight reel version of the PPV match. I loved this - the champs just kicked a bunch of ass. Speaking of ass, BPs are up next.

They teased a striptease and then nixed it. Glorious cheap heat here. Oh, and the BPs wrote the letter as a swerve. How dare they steal Lana's PLEASE RISE bit. Gail and her non-ass came down. Angelina escaped, so Brittany and Madison stripped them. They really didn't get any good shots of the BPs, so the point of this was minimized. Madison's ass was quite hot though. BroMans face the Wolves in a ladder match next week for some reason. Knux's guys debut next week, and Roode gets a jobber intro.

Tenay pimped saving $50 to get TNA World Title replica this week on ShopTNA. Well, it is a nice belt. Crowd chanted Super Eric. They do basic stuff and EY gets a minor edge. Nice kneeling full nelson from Roode. Side belly to belly leads to the suicide dive from Eric. EY as champ is really clicking with me now - I think him winning at the PPV really helps him a lot. EY's piledriver gets 2! DITTO THE ROODE BOMB! They did a kneeling dueling punch spot. I love them going with EY being serious now. He didn't do a lick of comedy here. I hope he eventually gets a change in presentation with a new tron and maybe slightly better gear though - but this is working. Nice enzuiguri from Roode. SUPER ROODE BOMB teased! EY counters with punches and hits the flying elbow for the win! EY's getting tons of credible wins here. His reign actually feels more important than Magnus, despite being so much shorter so far - amazing what clean wins will do. I loved them showing a bit of sportsmanship from Roode at the end - nice little thing to reference later for a face turn. Bully said since he can't be in the building, he'll go to Nashville. #goforce

Screens -

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