Thursday, May 29, 2014

TNA Impact 5-29-14

I'm missing the second hour of NXT Takeover for this show, so it had better at least be tolerable. That's my standard for the show now - tolerable. Last week tested that with TOO MUCH DAMNED TALKING and EY as champ has put them in a rough spot. He kind of can't lose the title quickly if you're ever going to do something with him as champion, but you also can't have MVP lose his first shot with the deck stacked in his favor. It gives his group no on-paper credibility, and moreover, HE WON'T HAVE THE MONEY, POWER, AND RESPECT to relive 1997 when that phrase was a thing. BAR RESCUE: THE LOST EPISODE is now something hyped up before Impact. Holy God. I swear MVP's video from last week's opening was just replayed here. Bully starts the show swearing that as long he's breathing, HE'LL KEEP ON FIGHTING! Bully's wearing vengeance on six people, and there are six large table-shaped things covered in a tarp on-stage. LASHLY is going through a table. Poor Lashley. At least he spelled MVP correctly.

Bully called out everyone and said he'd put them all through tables at some point. MVP and his crew came out while EC3 attacked and Spud berated Bully in a blue suit with a floral design. They brawled and brawled and brawled. The show went from breezing by to a slog now. They're bringing down the Spud table to put Bully through. EY, Aries, and the Wolves saw JUST ABOUT ENOUGH after five minutes of an assault and came to help. Spud tried to hide under his table. Shockingly, it didn't work. Aries pitched a 3-on-3 match tonight. Bully wanted it now. EY helped Bully put him through the table with a Super Powerbomb. Spud's socks match his wacky getup. God bless this man. They...almost can't be so stupid as to do what should be the main event next.  

A fantastic commercial for EY's new show aired. I really hope that does well - kudos to him for having out-of-ring success. Yup, the 6-man happened. Everyone did crap and then the Wolves did a dive. They came back and Davey did a slingshot leading to Aries ding a wacky flip elbow into the ring onto King. Things picked up when Aries got in. Kenny King couldn't keep up with him and tripped over himself. Lashley hit a fantastic running powerslam to Aries, who sold it marvelously. Brainbuster leads to a tag in and Davey hitting the double stomp, but Lashley spears the busted-up ribs/liver of Davey. Drive By to Davey gets the win for MVP. This was hard to care about, but a good-ish match. Bram talked to Magnus. Bram has a match AGAINST SOMEONE. I guess the trade-off for picking two matches is having one against an opponent you don't know.

EC3 met with Dixie, who hasn't watched the show. Tigre Uno got streamers again and is facing Bram. They did moves. If the point of this is to toughen Magnus up, shouldn't Bram just knock the fuck out of Uno with the crowbar? Impaler gets the win. Bram grabbed the turnbuckle connector, leading to Magnus saying what's wrong with him. They talked and talked and talked. Magnus told him to face a former world champion...Willow! Gunner met with Anderson, who he's teaming with tonight against I guess Shaw and Storm. "Thank you Doctor Phil...Shatter." Okay, Anderson rules.

Brittany met with Madison and begged her to team with him. Madison ONCE AGAIN REFUSED TO HELP HER. BroMans are mid-ring to face Gunner and Anderson. GUNDERSON! BroMans did moves. I love their double knee-thingy on the apron. DIXIE WILL BE UP NEXT AFTER THIS MATCH TO TALK TO MVP. Oh thank God, the show was getting stale. Anderson blind-tagged Gunner, and then a minute later the Mic Check led to the diving headbutt win. STOP DOING THAT MOVE RIGHT NOW. He's had the Gun Rack, the F5 as the Hangar-18, and now that. Stick with the F5. THEN THE MENAGERIE CAME OUT TO FREAK OUT THE BROMANS! This was glorious. CARTERS UP NEXT. Please no. More of Rebel's ass.

Brittany's breasts met with Gail to ask for a partner. Gail accepted. MLK came down, with everyone in new casual wear. Lashley's black and yellow getup was okay. MVP and Dixie had a discussion about power and Dixie threatened him with THE TNA BOARD OF DIRECTORS! Everyone chanted for tables, which threw MVP off his game. EVERYONE IN THIS IS IMPOSSIBLE TO LIKE. YAY EY! They're in different stuff than they were in before, so clearly this show was taped out of order. MVP said EY's just a patsy WHO SHOULD STICK TO FISHING. These were fighting words. MVP made Bully-EY tonight with EC3 as the ref. Oh joy. They talked and talked. If they don't fight, Bully's fired - and if Bully's fired, HOW WILL BULLY ATTACK THE CARTERS!? Um...not in a wrestling company then? They talked and talked and talked and talked. After 19 hours, Bully swore to put the heels through a table. BPs cut a promo. Velvet's titty glitter is something else.

An Angle-EC3 video aired. Kurt shot a cell phone video with an update. Healing is going well. Velvet bent over on the ramp, but they didn't do the booty-shake on the ropes. Brittany got in the ring, then left when Gail came why get in then? She tried to hug Gail, who rejected it. What exactly is this gimmick? Taz buried fans for wearing the bags since they're ugly. They did moves and then Brittany tagged in to Gail's chagrin and she ate the kick from Angelina. Gail made no real effort to save, and wound up elbowing Brittany accidentally. Or something. EY and Bully met about their match and Bully said he'd fight to win and get a shot. I just want this show to end so I can finish watching NXT Takeover.

Good lord, now Brittany's calling Madison out. She wanted to know why Madison rejected her. Well, she's lost a lot and Madison said things are getting weird. Madison said her issues with the BPs were between them, and not with her. Brittany said she's a big girl, and she just wants to be with her...Taz lost his shit and an HLA chant broke out. The audio popped terribly throughout all of this as she just yelled and yelled about wanting acceptance. Velvet and Angelina rightfully called Madison out on being mean, and took credit for it, while Madison talked about her never being like that and the crowd chanted boring. Madison gets a title shot next week, which will certainly go well since she just pissed off an ally. EC3 got his ref gear on, and MLK came to threaten him. They surrounded him. All this was missing was a porn site logo.

Christy tried to intro the main event at 10:42, but first Kenny King had to come out looking like a jobber. Why is Kenny King, a ring announcer, shopping at Wal-Mart? Kenny King was just terrible at this and buried EY. Taz and Tenay buried King here. Lashley's the enforcer. GOD MORE ATTITUDE ERA REJECT IDEAS! AND I JUST SAW THEM ON RAW AND HATED THEM. Kenny King is getting blown up just announcing. Is he good at anything? MVP's the timekeeper. EY and Bully had a nice little face-face match doing basic offense. They went to a break that went about six minutes. Insane. We came back at 10:55 with nothing appearing to have happened. Taz used his old "his hands are his weapons" for Lashley - nice. Bully kicked EC3, allowing MLK to attack the faces. THANK GOD MORE BRAWLING! Joe returned and beat up Lashley, while Kenny just...flipped onto the mat for him. Muscle Buster to King! At least with a depleted roster, Joe gets a push again. Next week's #impactlive was hyped up with CLIPS FROM NEXT WEEK'S IMPACT!

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