Sunday, May 11, 2014

TNA Impact 1-10-13

Okay, this Joe Schmo reboot seems awesome based on the last 5 minutes of it. Loved the intro vid showing Hardy's WTF IS THIS SHIT look at the wrestler of the year trophy. Also, THEY UNVEILED A FAMILIAR FACE KNOWN AS MIKE KNO...for some reason, the X was nixed from the audio. Sting started the show coming out with Angle and Joe, whose new shirt has green and yellow in it for some reason. Loved Taz calling them a group in bad moods with bad attitudes made me LOL. Loved Sting cordially inviting the Aces to COME GET SOME! Angle was gravely offended at Anderson, LAST SEEN WITH THE ACES, not helping Sting and Joe. Anderson's shirt looks cheap and ill-fitting. Anderson referenced something from eons ago where he was beaten up by the Aces and Anderson acted like this was new, and they didn't show footage, so I have no idea what he's talking about. Anderson bravely talked shit despite having the odds against him before Angle attacked him. Angle-Anderson is happening. Well, that should be a good - it's impossible for those two to have a bad match. Great hype for Jay Bradley - guy looks rugged. BROOKE IS BEING TAKEN TO THE BUILDING IN A GOLF CART! Holy shit, tremendous!

Ion gets no intro, while King gets a full one. X Tourney will involve the winner having two they can fill the card out. They hyped up DIXIE CARTER'S TWITTER and the PPV schedule change. King beat Ion after a bunch of flippy-dos and the Royal Flush were done. Dos Robbies dressed up like meterosexual lumberjacks and begged Tessmacher, who will team with Robbie E is she can team with Big I guess she's back to being a whore. Joseph Park is back and thankful for his partners at Park, Park, and Park for allowing him to do this...and struggle with opening a door. Tara's ass is looking better than usual, and it's mixed tag time. YAY. Turns out, she meant actually just to team with the winner of the bro-off, so she may not be a whore again. Two minutes in and we've got the pussy-pop facebuster and wedgie stinkface. Quick tag into Big Rob for a powerbomb win. Wow. That was quick. This led to an impromptu bro-off and booty-pop with Tess. That ruled. Brian Cage video was...okay. Gut Check match is next.

Both guys got jobber intros...not helping them out any there. Brian Cage has better gear, but Bradley's black trunks gear fits his working class gimmick. Loved Kenely name-dropping the NWA Heritage title. Bradley's Boomstick lariat won - good finish and I enjoyed the match. Both guys looked good and I loved Bradley dusting off his boot after kicking Cage's face off. Aces had a deal, Devon let the chicks leave. I guess they were drugged beforehand to prevent them from knowing the location of the clubhouse. VP is angry at Knox, who has to prove himself tonight like Doc did. I hope he takes out Anderson. JOE PARK MEETS WITH HOGAN, YAY! They should've had him come in on one of those golf carts.

He requested that Hogan come down. LOVED Joseph saying he has no idea what's going on in TNA. Hogan gave Park his match with THOSE ACES AND 8S HOOLIGANS! Yes. Other than Hogan looking a billion giving Park a post-promo look of approval, this was fun. Brooke Hogan is dressed like a blueberry to confront her dad. Oh boy. Brooke...waited for her theme to hit before coming out. I guess this wasn't all that urgent then. She asked if he'd reinstate Mark, he said no, so she acted sad. Aries and Roode argued over clothing and mentioned how much more durable their shirts are since Hogan's since his shirts were so easy to rip. These two have AWESOME chemistry as a team. B4B for Genesis package was pretty good and built on the skit nicely by adding a serious edge to things. A Double-R came out for the tag match. I guess the Aces deal is the real main event.

Digging Aries' new white, blue, and black camo gear and him finding a way to plug his merch in a way that actually fits his character. Same with Roode - they're just trying to outdo each other in every way...including merch sales. LOLed at the camera guy walking into the set before Storm's intro. Tenay talking about Hardy's history of over 20 titles, including world titles in WWE in '08 and TNA's in 2010 was great. Aries bouncing around for everything rules. This match is a ton of fun - and Aries being hung upside down on the ropes is just the right kind of funny. This was a really good match that focused on beating up Hardy, leading to a tag for Storm, before Bad Influence came out and Aries hit Hardy with the title. Loved Roode and Aries snatching Hardy's belts from one another. Brooke talked to Mark and told him to just pick her up outside the office. I guess the one she got golf carted to earlier. Angle-Anderson is next, so now, I guess the Brooke stuff ends the show.

The Organ and Morgan cut a super-oily promo They also got beat up from behind by the face tag champs. PPV now has a KOs gauntlet along with the X deal, and Park-Devon. Wow. Just no build for that specific match at all. Another good Hardy-Aries hype vid. It really sucks to see Hardy say he's willing to hurt himself and then realize how shit the buyrate's gonna be. Anderson came sauntering out like a bad-ass. Couldn't even intimdate a kid dressed as Spider-Man. Despite Anderson seemingly joining a group out to destroy the company, TNA was still nice enough to set his mic drop up for him. Loved one guy doing the KENNEDY bit here. He weighs in tongiht at an ASTONISHING 225 POUNDS...covered by a T-Shirt. It is so depressing to see Anderson in his mid-indy show battle royal getup in a TV main event. LOLed at a guy warning Kurt about cursing during his promo. Mike Kno(maybe x) attacked Angle's neck with a hammer before Wes, Garett, and Joe came down.

FKA Knox was called THAT GUY WITH THE BEARD! Sting's apparently seen JUST ABOUT ENOUGH as Angle's wheeled out. Sting demanded KNOX. Okay, so I guess his name is Knox. Now they're back to calling him THAT BIG MAN. Sting basically squashed Knox in a fine little match. The Aces' win-loss record is not looking good. Sting hit Knox with the hammer, which led to the Aces and 8s KIDNAPPING BROOKE HOGAN! Holy shit, that came out of nowhere. This feels like a book going from chapter 1 to 5. Bully made the save with a chain, so I guess this'll be what's used to get him back in. Okay - fine. THIS STILL CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. Hogan, instead of being thankful to Bully for saving HIS ONLY DAUGHTER, was a complete dickhead and blamed Bully for Brooke being kidnapped. Shouldn't Hogan, as GM, be responsible in that situation? Bully said he never loved anything as much as wrestling...until Brooke came into his life. Boy, that kidnapping thing sure seemed like it didn't even happen. THEN BULLY RAY PROPOSED TO BROOKE. Holy shit this is awesome. This is like the best comedy on a wrestling show in ages. Brooke started the night in a golf cart, got kidnapped, got engaged, and is getting married in a week. This is just hilarious stuff. Go Brooky Ray! This angle is like something out of Final Fight, but with Haggar being played by Hogan as THE grumpiest human being ever. I cannot wait for the wedding - Hogan's reaction shots are gonna be gold.

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