Monday, May 26, 2014

Raw 5-26-14

No pre-show stuff tonight. I might do the post-show, but with the Windows 8 desktop being a tad wonky when it comes to recording video and audio at the same time, I'd rather not risk it. I've got things set up just fine to watch Raw, and I don't think I'll rock the boat for either of those things since neither have been worthwhile for a month or so. A nice Memorial Day video starts the show off. This video would be a lot more beautiful without WWE's logo in the corner. OH THANK GOD RAW KICKS OFF WITH AN AUTHORITY PROMO! Did I go into a time warp to September? Steph says tonight's Raw is HISTORIC! See, using that term for this show with ONE THING HYPED UP kills the word. This promo is going on and on and it's only 8:05. She's just making the same point over and over again. HHH talks about the difference between a flash in the pan like Bryan and a man who ADAPTS and stands the test of time. Could they just skip the 2 hours and 45 minutes of filler and get to the ending of this angle? HHH hyped up the Shield PPV match and how they might not sign the contacts. Why wouldn't the Shield sign the contacts for the match they wanted? Steph brought up the Raw GM issue...there's a Raw GM issue? Oh, the issue is with the Shield being official commentators last week. They called out #thedemonkane to attack. After seemingly eons, he hit a chokeslam and tombstone. This went on and on and on and on.

BO-LIEVE debuts on Raw tonight. Cesaro gets a jobber intro against RVD of all people. Bad News Barrett has BAD NEWS about swimsuit season. HE'S GOING TO QUOTE "HURT YOU"! God, Cole's awful. Cesaro caught RVD's Asai moonsault and hit snake eyes on the barricade. Barrett's fantastic on commentary. Shame it ended so he could try to attack RVD, who fought back. RVD's looking better here, and being booked better tonight, than he has in a while. German wins for Cesaro...shit is RVD actually getting the title? Sheamus came out and like a dick, kicked Cesaro out of nowhere. They've got a PPV match too. Oh, and it's for the U.S. Title. So if Cesaro wins that and RVD wins the IC Title, then he's basically the top secondary title guy.

They replayed some Summer Rae/Eva angle on SD I completely forgot about and Cole said SHE'S BRINGING THE TOTAL DIVAS REALITY SHOW TO REAL LIFE. Cole brought up Eva in the Maxim hot 100 and rattled off 1,000 names really quickly. Eva's blowing kisses to the crowd. I think she's a face now for some reason. Fandango distracted Summer with a kiss with Layla, and Eva won with a schoolgirl. This sucked. Rhodes Bros. met with Randy and Batista. "We noticed we're not on the show" - so it's real, but scripted? They said that the red curtain room was HHH's office -like HHH's office would have a photo of the Rock in it. Drew faces the bull. Ratings face the axe. Drew bumped around great AND THEN THE BUMP TOOK A CRAZY SPIN BUMP! Then Drew took a bump to his gut, lost, and Hornswoggle tore the tail off. TO THE GRAPHIC for Cena-Wyatt.

The tail bit got a replay and they played it straight. Good lord. They put ice on his ass and Primo sold agony. Then Bray came out for his promo. The tonal whiplash is just too much. They kept trying to get Bray Washed over with the phone bit. I've never seen a star-making feud actively hurt both guys in it. Cena seems like so much less of a star, while Bray...has gained something, but nowhere near what he could've gained had this just been one and done at WM. Bray the downtrodden babyface cutting a promo FOR THE WORKIN MAN! Bray is...I think supposed to be the heel, but he just says he's the necessary evil. Bray's cutting a fantastic '86 Dusty promo here. Shame he's in theory the heel in this. I would so love King-Bray in a promo exchange. They threatened King, so JBL stood up for him and got beaten down - even took a bump on the floor. THEY KILLED JBL! They are babyfaces! Come on, let Jerry throw ONE PUNCH at Bray. So John Cena isn't helping the heart attack victim...why? Bray is crouched next to King. COME ON, ONE PUNCH! They teased an attack, and it led to Cena FINALLY coming to help but getting beaten up because he was too busy throwing shit to the crowd. This resulted in Cena making silly faces and more threats to King, who was saved by the Usos. Cena cut an awful promo about Lincoln and stuff. Cena said IT'S NOT ABOUT WINNING OR LOSING, BUT TO SEE WHO IS THE LAST MAN determine who wins or loses the match. Cena talked about Bray being drunk with power. How? He doesn't have the TNA World title.

A terrible Legends House ad showed fish getting sliced up and a game show. Ryder waves the American flag on Memorial Day and gets...almost a reaction. RISE FOR LANA'S ASS! WOO WOO WOO! Putin got heat, or at least a USA chant. USA should really have a red, white, and blue logo today. They get a green one for green week for goodness sake, and used to have the flag in the logo. Rusev squashed him. DO SOMETHING NEW! Or at least different! Big E came something different that's not this! Big E sent him out. This match would be terrifying. Stephanie met with Alberto for...reasons that aren't explained, so I'll just imagine she's trying to impress Alberto with all the Spanish she knows.

Batista and Orton came out to face the Rhodes Bros., who hopefully split tonight. I hope they turn Cody tonight and we at least get Cody-Goldust for Payback. They did some fine stuff before the break here, with my favorite spot being Batista putting Cody's head over the ropes and then elbowing him to the back of the head. They should really be bringing up the Rhodes Bros. beating the Shield for the tag titles just to give the match another layer. RKO off the Disaster Kick led to another RKO and a win.  Fun match. Justin said that the match was now an elimination match, and Cody would be taken out for a handicap no-holds-barred match. For an MMA fighter, Batista's knee strikes look terrible. RKO. Batista Bomb. Shield helps Goldust win, right? Nope. Orton wins with a foot on the chest. Time to BOLIEVE. I Bolieve that channels will be changed.

Good lord, JBL is back and we get Bo-Cara II! I Bolieve he's a date rapist with that face. A small bo-ring chant broke out. Bodog got the win. I hope he gets Calvin Ayre as his manager. Bo is hilarious, but it's another NXT callup doomed to mid-card geek. Bryan-Steph gets the top of the hour. Oh yeah, THE TITLE is secondary to Evolution. Usos face the Wyatts on Main Event. Steph came out and talked about Bryan. He came out and said the neck injury was worse than expected. Bryan said the fans deserved an AWESOME CHAMPION. An AWESOME champion!? Time for Miz to shine! Bryan accidentally spit on her, oh no. Oh goodie, a replay of Brie's amazing ac-ting ta-lent! Steph said if Bryan doesn't give up the title BRIE WILL BE FIRED, ON THE PPV! What an amazing bait and switch. Dammit - Bryan just got done spend $125,000 on Brie's wedding - the loss of her salary will...slightly reduce his chance to recoup that money this year! We get to pay for Brie's acting.

NXT Takeover got a really good hype video. They replayed Alicia's win last week. She's facing Emma, who had a fan in a COLT CABANA SHIRT! JBL referenced "the robot from Lost Family Robinson". Cole had to explain the Emma move name joke. Scissors kick over the apron is too similar to Roman's move. Emma got the win. Two schoolgirls, two wins. This was theoretically stupid, but these freakouts rule! Now she's just calling the fans losers. SHE GAVE A GUY A SHOOT WEDGIE! Alicia's gonna get a shoot lecture about being a star with that wedgie. Adam Rose is next in a match.

A Cena video about Memorial Day aired. A Torito-Hornswoggle MASK VS. HAIR match is coming at the pre-show. DAMIEN CROCKETT came out. Boy, this Adrian Street offense is...something in 2014. SWAGGER AND ZEB KIDNAPPED THE LEMON! Crockett's sneak-attack failed, and the Party Foul won. Swagger brawled with him and Adam Rose got the better of it. This post-match stuff sucked. JBL referenced BUNNY LANDEL! Amazing. Oh, and Sheamus-Alberto happens for some reason. Sheamus beat Alberto and then Heyman came out to distract him for a Cesaro beating. Loved him busting out some PRIDE knees. BOLIEVE IN THE SHIELD! What a great sign. Shield chucked out all the signing stuff like badasses! This was a fun brawl.

Screens -

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