Sunday, May 11, 2014

TNA Impact 1-3-13

IT'S THE NEW BIGGEST IMPACT IN THE HISTORY OF BIG IMPACTS! Sting returns to once again not pop a rating and Joe and Angle face the Aces and 8s in a cage, presumably with a turn on Kurt by someone. I'm predicting Joe since Garett and Wes would make sense and NO ONE WOULD SEE IT COMING. Or maybe Anderson turns on the Aces because he may be an asshole, but he's TNA's asshole just took the Aces up on their slut/whore/bitch offer last week to get laid. Oh, and someone's going to be TNA Wrestler of the Year and the X division contender's mini-tourney begins with a whole four guys vying for a title shot. At least doing this prevents Hogan from pointing out everyone's flaws on-air.

HOLY SHIT, THE JOE SCHMO SHOW IS BACK! Show-opening vid really made the Aries-Roode match seem wackier than it should've. They showed Bully and Brooke being caught two weeks ago, so hopefully Bully was watching this show. The wrestler of the year trophy looks like a tiny bowling trophy on top of part of the set. Bully came out with Taz putting over how much he changed his body and style, then Storm did and talked about his impressive resume. Yup. Lost, returned, lost some more. Hell of a year. A Dub's the third guy and got no hype, while Roode was hyped up due to his long title reign. Roode looks so great in a suit - glad he ditched wearing jeans and a shirt again. Hardy's the last guy and got a huge HARDY chant. For some reason, there's this thing called TNA Genesis behind all of them being shown on the video wall. Hardy won after Roode and Aries bitched at each other. They'd make awesome wacky angry tag champs. I wonder if Russo's bought Hardy's hoodie given all the shades of grey in it. Loved Jeff's double thumbs down to Bobby bitching at him. Then he was prevented from saying bullshit by Aries, who said his PPV matches averaged 4 stars, while Hardy made Aries-Roode-Hardy for Genesis. Turns out that's a PPV. Aries tried to use the trophy on Hardy, who moved, and the thrift store prop broke on Roode.

Loved Daniels saying sorry for my damn luck to Storm, who threatened to punch him in the twitter, kick Kaz in his Facebook and leave SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN LUCK on their walls. That was tremendous. And then Kaz topped it off with a Myspace mention. Great Genesis ad focuses on Bully not being out for redemption. Storm faces one member of Bad Influence next. Daniels teased it so Kaz could jump him. Match was fine, but had a great finish with Kaz doing a blind dive into a superkick sorta-Shelton style. Aces had a deal backstage showing their Clubhouse and a scantily-clad, but not topless bikini babe poster - I guess so the kids of some members won't be offended. Doc needed to know WHAT THE FUCK Ken's answer was. He joined...I think. Devon asked a prospect where his bat was...I bet Sting knows, and is dressed as an Ace, and now Anderson can call himself an acehole.

Kenny King was a dick to Kid Kash, who he ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY WANTS TO FACE. These two have good chemistry together. Doc came out and sang for Sting to come out. He's got a good singing voice. Doc called him out angrily and a bat...was thrown into the ring clumsily by a guy at ringside. Doc got scared and said c'mon a billion times. This dragged on way too long and only took about 5 minutes. That was pretty terrible - only thing that could've been worse was the crowd chanting Festus. Camera guy asked Brooke if she's talked to her dad since kissing Bully. They ran through the X tourney to make it at least seem slightly important...and gave Kash a jobber intro. Kash-York seems like something 3PW would put on a decade ago. Taz called a half-nelson suplex a half-nelson back throw. Weird to not hear Taz call something a suplex. Tenay said that RVD, who's over 40, called York, mid-to-late 30s, the future of the X division. York hit the world's slowest handspring off the ropes into a Trouble in Paradise in history, then hit a slow kneeling flatliner, and got a win with the Mood Swing, which Taz called long after Kenely did. Chavo cut a promo on Ryan that had more cuts in it than Abby's head.

NO NO Hair remover was plugged. It's impossible to believe how low rent the ads are on this show. Hernandez faces Morgan to renew their terrible rivalry from years ago. THANK THE LORD ABOVE, Matt Morgan appears to be injured, so Ryan will take his place. Morgan's arm healed enough to trip Supermex up and hit him with a discus clothesline. Nothing match, but that's better than a bad one. Hogan's coming out next to start off hour two. Hour one hasn't been too hot. Angle met with Garett and Wes and told them to hang back, but they wanted to come out, Joe said no, and Angle...sorta listened to him. Tess got ready for her match tonight by bending over a lot. I'm fine with that. Aries-Bully-Brooke vid recapped things. Hogan aplogized for missing last week's show and called out Bully and Brooke, then rambled on with a bunch of bullshit about bro codes, man codes, and suspended Bully then insulted Brooke after Bully took the blame for everything. What. an. asshole. This took 10 minutes for some reason.

Joseph Park watched tapes of Angle, Hardy, and his brother Chris YaKnow Abyss to win Danny Davis over. KOs tag is up and Taz made a reference to Tara having a lot of mileage, while Kenely talked about Mickie having "plenty of traction". TnT exploded with the pussy-popper from Brooke on Tara and threatened a wedgie-fied stinkface. Tess hit a crossbody off the top to the floor on Tara and Jesse, while Mickie won with the Mickie-T on Gail. Fun match. LOLed at Kenely saying we'd see stuff like this on Bellator. I sure hope there aren't any stinkfaces there. The Aces had a meeting with KNIVES. Wonderful.

ODB cut a promo saying that EY wasn't coming back..,then said he was. Aries and Roode bitched at Hogan for a while due to the 3-way title match, and Hogan made them team up against Hardy and a mystery guy next week. Joe waited for Angle before going into the ring, did, but Angle was outside and got bonked with the door by Doc making it a 2-on-1 deal. I like this because it sets up Garett and Wes coming to save him, not doing it because he was a dick to them, and then Sting saving. Kurt couldn't get the door open and didn't try to get over the top of the cage. Maybe he really is a cyborg like Doc said and he's only programmed to moonsault off of cages, not climb over them. Nope - he was able to try to climb, but was stopped by Doc and then got the cage door key. Angle's black quad tape looks better than being wrapped like a mummy. For some reason, he did a missile dropkick. Angle got hit with the cage so he could blade on camera. Angle won after a single Angle Slam. Aces came in, Anderson was outside looking like a fan in a long shirt. Sting...casually walked out in his gear and beat dudes down with the bat. BOO. I was hoping he'd be revealed in an Ace disguise. They seemed to be setting up Sting-Doc at the PPV. Mike Knox was unmasked. Dude looks totally different with short hair. Good to have him unmasked now though.

Screens -


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