Sunday, May 4, 2014

WWE Extreme Rules 2014

IT'S THE MOUNTAIN DEW KICKSTART EXTREME RULES KICKOFF SHOW! And we get...the Raw set with yellow lights...WeeLC "is being called the biggest little match in WWE history". So natural. So organic. They recapped Bryan-Kane from Raw. Cena-Bray recap...these things are just exhausting. WeeLC is up with MICRO Cole, WEE BL, and JERRY SMALLER. Good lord. And there's a short ring announcer. And lots of bad short jokes. This commentary is awful on every possible level. Cole is burying how no one actually calls action anymore...this is just odd. This really should've been a match on the 3 Stooges Raw. Bunch of wacky slapstick. Hornswoggle's on the little ladder. Okay, Torito getting up to cheer him on, fall, and then move was great. Little whatever talked about this being like Savage-Steamboat and plugged the network. The next ad break will break a world record for most orders cancelled before a show. Little commentators as parodies of the real ones...who are already essentially parodies of themselves. Great bit where Hornswoggle broke the little table with an elbow off the apron - relatively smooth too. A Wee CW chant broke out. Matadores held Mahal up for the Torito spot OFF THE APRON OFF and they went through tables and ladders. They plugged the app and the network. Drew flipped through a table for some reason. Standing Rey senton dealie from Torito through a table won. God bless those guys taking crazy bumps for this bullshit. JACK SWAGGER HAS A NEW BRIGHT RED JACKET! Apparently, HHH created the Shield...I have no idea when.

UNAUTHORIZED USERS BEWARE AND FOREWARNED! It's PPV TIME! The opening video focused on Shield-Evolution, and oh yeah, Kane-Bryan and Cena-Bray got some time too. Elimination 3-way is up first. I was wrong about this just being a Raw set - IT'S ALSO GOT BOXES ON THE SIDES. Totally different. Swagger's jacket and black and red singlet look awesome. Ditto his red, white, and blue tron. Heyman came out and cut a glorious promo basically saying ER is a thing due to him and HIS CLIENT BROCK LESNAR ENDED THE UNDERTAKER'S UNDEFEATED STREAK! God, nothing about Cesaro's rock song actually fits him. RVD threw about 500 body punches to no one in particular. RVD monkey flipped Cesaro onto Swagger, which was nice. Sunset powerbomb to the floor from RVD to Cesaro. According to JBL, Jack Swagger HEADLINED WrestleMania now. King referencing Borat in 2014. RVD broke up the swing for some reason with a wonky spinkick. That was stupid on several levels. DEADLIFT SUPERPLEX TO SWAGGER led to the five star and...not an elimination? Huh? Nope - it was 3. Everyone was shocked the match wasn't over - why? They announced before hand that it was an elimination match. VINTAGE THREE WAY DANCE! Deadlift German got 2. Double sledge off the top to the floor from Cesaro took RVD out. I do love the ECW...successor-ish PPV getting a three way dance to start it. RVD did the fingers bit twice. Does he have nothing else to transition to? I do like the underlying story here being that Cesaro is going to kill ECW dead by beating RVD tonight. Van Caninator! Got three rewinds. Ugh. Five star missed and RVD is lucky to have not torn his face up on that because the can is all sliced up. Neutralizer on the can got the win.

Steph acted badly in a skit with Bryan. Steph said Bryan would be walking out as Kane's bitch. Okay then. IT IS TIME TO RISE FOR LANA'S ASS! She cut a promo on Putin to get a USA chant. Rusev took out Woods early, leading to just another Rusev-Truth match. That's never been good before, and wasn't here. Lana ordered more post-match crushing and Rusev complied. Lilian awkwardly talked about the Special Olympics, which WWE IS A PROUD FOUNDING PARTNER OF. HHH cut a blah promo about Evolution. Bad News Barrett as a bad guy who is simply overjoyed being a bad guy is amazing. Big E trying to get over with that spear spot. Shame his face turn has killed his momentum. God, Big E murdered him with an ST-Joe. Big E got booed pulling the straps down, so they really might as well just turn him heel again. FLYING BULLHAMMER GETS THE WIN! IC Title already feels more important being on BNB since he's actually over, in shape, and is loving this gimmick.

Wow - Evolution-Shield is already up! Batista's red jobber gear is no buys. And wow did HHH's physique sure change since WM. God, Batista looks like a guy trying to cosplay as Batista now. Tyler Black is brawling with I like Batista's bright red Jordans. Loved Ambrose getting a wacky manic hot tag from Seth and just unloading on dudes. FIGURE 4 ON HHH, blocked, THEN TO ORTON! Shame that wasn't done with Flair out there. HHH gets out of the way of the spear against the steps. Hmm...HHH sure did get out of the way early on that thing to "take Reigns out". Crowd chanted Boo-tista. Tremendous. HHH gets in and eats the Tiger DDT! Reigns got in and just ran absolutely wild on everyone! TRIPLE POWERBOMB TO BATISTA, but Orton and H take Reigns out of the ring. Rollins misses something and smashes the barricade. PEDIGREE TO REIGNS! REIGNS KICKS OUT AT 2.9! This isn't reaching the heights of any Wyatts match, but it's been pretty good overall. YET ANOTHER NEARFALL OFF AN RKO! FLYING SOMETHING OR OTHER FROM AMBROSE off both tables to Orton and HHH in the pit area. Everyone but Reigns and Batista are brawling in the crowd. HHH took a bump on some awesome-sounding metal, getting a holy shit chant before Dean fell down the steps in the safest and most awesome way possible. BALCONY DIVE FROM SETH onto the pile. Well, off the doorway above them. Still. Goddamn that ruled. Batista hit the spinebuster, but ate a Superman punch and a big SPEAR SPEAR SPEAR-chant led SPEAR. Batista waves the flag proudly for #teamredshirts. Loved Roman carrying Dean off.

They're not doing any real buffering here. They hyped up Legends House and then buried Dish and DirecTV for not airing the PPV.  CENA-WYATT ALREADY!? Wow. Oh, NOW we get a Cena sitdown interview. On the PPV show. This is a really awesome recap video - makes the last month+ of bad skits seem great. John has a new neon green shirt. They talked about Cena-Rock. Wow - Rock-Cena I was two years ago. Sure doesn't feel like it. A massive "let's go Wyatt" chant broke out that Bray used to his advantage. Loved Bray conducting the crowd as they sang "he's got the whole world in his hands". Harper and Rowan prevented Cena from leaving. Cena really should've insisted that they be banned from ringside, since he won at WM and would in theory have all the leverage in negotiations and all. Bray tried escaping the cage with the spider walk for...some reason. They teased the VINTAGE KERRY CAGE MATCH spot, but Cena POWERED OUT BY ACTING WACKY. And then he acted broadly to prevent both guys from doing it until Bray attacked him and they did the spot to his shoulder. Rowan piggy-backed Cena to prevent him from leaving, and then Cena wisely climbed in as much as he logically could. More wacky cage-escaping antics. God, this is so cornball. Sure, it's Cena, but this is too much. A fucking tug of war spot. Really now. King's "this is brutal" sums things up nicely. Super AA off the top! Harper saved him. Ugh. A kickout would've done so much good for Bray. Cena grabs THE BEARD. Wacky Married With Children play fighting here with Cena and Rowan on top of the cage. Cena had them all down and then...Bray's goofy lighting shit happened and a kid was revealed to be singing "he's got the whole world in his hand" with a wacky demon voice. And then Bray didn't even pin Cena, he just left. This was a fart in church. There's only one way to truly settle this feud - a custody of a kid YAPPA PEI STRAP MATCH! Cena looked sad. Of course - HE LET BRAY WYATT'S MESSAGE ESCAPE. Goddamn this was just dreadful. On several levels. This was like the Dungeon of Doom, but far more annoying. At least I was 11 then.

For a guy with no words, Riley sure had a lot of them to describe that. "Shit" was none of them. Oh goodie - clips for the show I've already watched! Tamina-Paige is up and may actually have a prayer after that match. They played up Slam City for whatever reason. Paige tripped her up by kneeling on all fours...which was a tad silly. New shade of purple gear for Paige. They did moves for a while. KNEELING LA MISTICA from Paige! Sunset bomb gets a confusing 2.9, but the cross lock wins. "Little Johnny" and Bray did a bit backstage. They were late on the voice effect, and then he put the mask on. So on TV, we get a billion kids, and on PPV, we get one. Odd. Bryan-Kane recap for the millionth time.

They said it's officially an Extreme Rules match. Payback is in Chicago...hmm....Sideslam "through the chair" was the line highlight of about five minutes of stuff for the main event. Tornado DDT off the announce table. A fan yelled about an ipod, and then another yelled about Kane being terrible. Cane shots to Kane. They fight backstage. OH NO, HE'S old taped up office chair! Bryan attacked with a snow shovel and then tossed Kane into the BIG ZEKE portion of the production truck. Bryan hit him with a crowbar. He KOed him but WUT WOH, he can't drag him. So he beats the shit out of him on a forklift and takes him to the ring. They elevated the light boards on the set to allow him to move through. This is about as exciting as playing Shenmue's forklift sections. DANIEL BRYAN OFF THE TOP OF THE FORKLIFT with the headbutt. AND IT GETS 2! 10 MINUTES OF BUILDUP. FOR A 2! Knee plus countered into the chokeslam for 2. They teased a tombstone on the chair, but Bryan countered into a DDT. I love the idea that I should get hyped about a tombstone on a chair after seeing him do one on the steps and on an announce table on TV. Kane escapes the Yes lock, so Bryan uses the cane for it. Chokeslam through the announce table off the dive! Flaming table tease. Kane went through it, they extinguished him immediately and he ate a Knee Plus. All of this was within about 30 seconds. Kudos to Glen for doing a fire spot at his age. This sucked.

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