Monday, May 19, 2014

Raw 5-19-14

Raw is taped from England and begins with Bray singing and the whole crowding singing along - well that rules. I love the visual of the Wyatts with the phone lights behind them. Bray is cutting a goddamned great promo right now - he's an amazing storyteller on the mic. He says his tongue is the scorpion's tail and he gives fans hope to those who oppose Cena, who hides behind HIS PLASTIC SMILE! Cena attacks from behind and AAs Bray. FROM BEHIND!? What a coward! Cena-Harper is later - yay! Steph-Bryan recap. Okay, so the story is that Kane attacked Bryan - why do we not know about the nature of the attack? Surely IF THIS WAS REAL, Bryan would have told Brie, who would have at least tweeted about it. Maybe she's a stockholder and was more concerned about that then her husband. They teased an announcement about the title later.

Cesaro and Heyman are out. I want Cesaro's jacket. Heyman broke down the wrestling business with THE STARS BEING WORSHIPPED and the fans just being wannabes. I love Cesaro's mild look of disgust when he said Brock's name. Heyman got heat wishing death upon the Queen and comparing his prone form on the mat to THE UNDERTAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA. Sick burn there. Heyman said Cesaro would immasculate Sheamus tonight. Sheamus and Cesaro had a fun match. Sheamus hit a nice flying knee in the corner to Cesaro - nice bit of new offense there. They came back after a missed rope bodyblock from Sheamus with him locked in a sleeper. DEADLIFT FLOATOVER SUPERPLEX got 2. That should really be a finish - if they're making a German a finisher, MAKE THAT ONE. I would love a best of nine million series between these guys. Love the clubbering here. Uppercut out of the battering ram gets 2.9! Cesaro gets the win thanks to a distraction German suplex. Sheamus congratulated him on the win and then Cesaro avoided the handshake slyly. Evolution-Shield was made a no holds barred elimination match - YAY! Shield-Evolution recap from last week.They show Roman's nasty cut without a warning. We got the slice without a warning, but STITCHES BEING SHOWN results in a disclaimer. How odd.

DID YOU KNOW THE WWE APP HAS BEEN DOWNLOADED AN ASTONISHING 12 MILLION TIMES!? AND THAT POWERSAUCE IS AMAZING!? Beat the Clock tourney is announced with no hype. Big E gets a jobber intro against Ryback. YA KNOW WHO'S BIGGER THAN BIG BEN!? THE BIG GUY!  Guys did moves and JBL spoke German. Big Goldberg chant. JBL referenced BARRY HOROWITZ in 2014. Cole basically called Rey a midget and buried JBL for losing to him in 16 seconds. This went on for 4 minutes before the Meathook - felt like so much longer. Big Ending gets the win in 5:02. Hell of a tourney - every match will be at most 5 minutes long. This IC Title must be really important. What about Playing House is supposed to be funny?

Xavier Woods did a Performance Center tour with Special Olympians, including THE ASCENSION. Why even bother debuting them if you're going to have them break character before the debut? They also had Cole voice this over WHILE XAVIER WAS TALKING, making it impossible to hear Woods. Truth has the Funkadactyls, I guess due to Woods. Or because they're all black and WWE just wants to stick them all together. Cole and JBL bicker like old people about Fandango and Layla. Fandangoing is over again. Summer came back in a nice zebra dress. Summer attacked and she kissed Fandango. I thought this would be a face turn for them, but nope, Fandango's just a heel still and we got no match. Why? Each guy is there and able to wrestle. Bo-lieve debuts on SD...where they can throw in a reaction.

You'll never guess, BUT WWE BRAGGED ABOUT SOMETHING. Total Divas returns for season 3 in September. IT WILL BE AN UNPRECEDENTED SEASON 3...Wouldn't that apply for season 2? Steph came out to Bryan's music doing the yes bit. Steph hyped up Bryan's wedding on Total Divas this Sunday, and how Bryan's chant inspired "professional sports leagues" - shouldn't WWE count as that in some pretend capacity?  She dared to nearly rip off BAD NEWS BARRETT! Thankfully, it led to a BAD NEWS BARRETT montage. And then a very bad BAD NEWS impression. Steph said she may strip Bryan of the title and give it to Kane. Or Barrett. Or THE GAME, THE KING OF KINGS! Steph's rack is out of this world tonight. She hopes he gives up the title on Raw because it's what's best for business. And FANDANGO-TRUTH WASN'T!?

THE UNION JACKS RETURNED! Lana's ass came out. She got heat saying Russia will take over England and Rusev got his own custom graphic style now. Rusev's gear now has gold trim instead of white. How dare the Payback logo cover Lana's cleavage. Rusev killed 3MB. I still don't care about him. Lana though? Oh yeah. Roman showed off his cool stitches while hoping and praying that wasn't Evolution's best. AWESOME.

FORMER WORLD AND WWE CHAMPION ALBERTO DEL RIO GETS A JOBBER INTRO IN A 5 MINUTE IC TITLE BATTLE ROYAL!  THE FUTURE OF OUR PLANET DEPENDS ON ALBERTO DEL RIO HIM BEING THE CHAMPION. I now love Alberto. JBL talked about each guy being a former world champ. Boy did the first feud between these guys kill each one dead. RVD LEFT THE COMPANY AFTER IT. Guys did moves for a while. Love each guy selling a 20 minute war at the 3:30 mark. RVD won with a cradle after Alberto got a 2 with one earlier. RVD won at 4:15. HOW COULD THEY NOT GO WITH 4:20 FOR RVD?! Come on, make this thing at least amusing for a second. RVD's face in the graphic is just amazing.

They hyped up NXT Takeover by just showing a graphic for Kidd-Neville If you're going to mention NXT, WHY NOT SHOW A HIGHLIGHT REEL TO ACTUALLY GIVE PEOPLE A REASON TO CARE!? Why would anyone naturally tune in for a Tyson Kidd match? The guy isn't even a jobber on Raw, Main Event, OR SUPERSTARS! Cena cut a generic promo with Renee saying he's got the Usos on his side. Cena brought up Bray having the whole area behind him at ER. Oh yeah, and a kid. Boy that went nowhere. Cena and the Usos beat their chest ala Wolf of Wall Street and Cena put over the US-O bit. Evolution promo. This Batista cosplayer is just terrible.

Rollins-Batista is up with HHH as the guest ring announcer out of nowhere. God, this got tired in '01. Why do this if you're not going to hype it? Orton's the timekeeper. Seth brought out Ambrose and Reigns as guest commentators, since they could only have officials out why do this then if you're just going to make the odds as even as they'd have been before? I love the COO having NO POWER TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT THIS. I guess only HHH in a suit is the COO. HHH in jeans and a shirt is THE GAME, THE KING OF KINGS HHH. Ambrose is great on commentary. So Reigns beat up Maddox or something and we didn't even get a skit? Boo! Brad apparently made them the commentators or something. RUNNING BASEMENT DROPKICK FROM BATISTA. Amazing! Batista can still do stuff, but the "music between the notes" just doesn't work as well anymore. Ambrose said Roman's mom hit him harder when he was a kid, which Roman confirmed...well that's sad. Batista did a running back elbow and Seth took a flip bump for it - God bless him. HHH looks so old with the shaved head. Blockbuster from Rollins! SLINGBLADE FROM SETH! Flying knee gets 2.9! HHH threw Seth off the top and a brawl broke out. Orton hit Reigns with a chair, while Dean ran across the tables and hit a double axe handle wildly to Orton. HHH punched Seth and it resulted in a DQ. They all brawled and brawled. Reigns got the spear on Batista! Evolution left and...there's still another hour left!? Oh yeah, Cena-Harper.

Recap of Paige-Fox with Fox going nuts! YAY! JBL pointed out the idiocy of Paige coming to say hi to AJ in her gear. Love Paige's smaller shorts. The other commentators buried Jerry for showing up so late to the arena and missing the production meeting. Paige Turner counter got 2 this time. Alicia won after a mafia kick in the ropes. 3 count was wonky and the finish looked bad. Alicia took a crown and declared herself to be THE QUEEN! She spilled a fan's soda on herself too. King hoped it was a soda and not alcohol. Paige lost in her home country in her WWE debut there. WWE's gotta be starting the Bury a Star program soon. Wacky Wyatt promo.

Henry-Dolph's up for the beat the clock challenge. They fucked up a fameasser terribly. It looked like Henry hit a shitty back suplex catch counter, but nope - he stayed down for 2. Yikes. More 20 minute selling at the 3 minute mark. Zig Zag hits, but Dolph can't get the win in time - so RVD wins this nothing challenge. RVD came out and got Bull Hammered. HE'S AFRAID HE'S GOT SOME BAD NEWS! RVD has to fight him for the IC Title. Barrett said that RVD beat the time tonight, BUT ENGLAND SETS THE TIME FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD! YAY NEW ENGLISH LEAD BABYFACE BAD NEWS BARRETT! He went out to Bulldog's theme too.

Recap of Steph saying words earlier. Adam Rose came out. And a penguin is now there. They're trying to get hashtags over. THE CROWD SANG THE THEME, so he actually seemed like a star. Adam said HELLO LONDON! Adam talked about Ethan the Cheeseburger - HE'S GOT SESAME SEEDS ON HIS BUNS! Ryder the Bunny is stealing the show. Zeb came down and referenced the 1969 WOODSTOCK REJECTS in the ring. BIGG HOSS VS. THE BIG BUNNY! Zeb challenged Adam. Ryder the Bunny is stealing the show. I would rather see that than Swagger honestly. Tonight, everything about this worked. Minus the promo stuff going a wee bit long, but overall, it worked. HOGAN WILL BE ON SD! I would prefer Hogan on Main Event than SD.

Wyatts came out with the lights again. That is so awesome. Stuff happened until a break. Harper threw some nice punches, while Cena mixed up the five knuckle shuffle by just doing it and not being all wacky after the protobomb. HARPER THREW A DROPKICK! SUICIDE DIVE! I love the idea of them being on the compound and Bray spreading the message on Twitter while Harper looks up classic wrestling on Youtube. Cena hit a really sloppy jumping tornado DDT off the top. CENA HIT A RANA AND THEN HARPER HIT A SUPERKICK! This match is a blast. Harper hit a corner Burning Hammer-setup torture rack neckbreaker for 2 - that's new! Cena hit a huge Hansen lariat to Harper! Cena countered a sunset flip with an STF. Everyone brawled with Bray in the ring. Shouldn't some of this be a DQ or a no contest or something? Michinoku Driver got 2! Rowan hit a bodyblock for a DQ. Bray hit the Abigail on Cena for the post-match and the snapping catch ones to the Usos were amazing. The fans sang the song without any prompting. This was amazing. They did a wacky irish whip into a Rowan fallaway slam ONTO THE STEEL...that was covered by a tarp. So it didn't even make a cool noise. Abigail on the ramp. WHY IS CENA TAKING BUMPS ON METAL!? Moreover, why is he doing it when it's not even making a cool noise.

Screens -

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