Monday, May 12, 2014

Raw 5-12-14

The Chi-Town Rumble is the pre-pre-show show. Shockingly, Flair-Steamboat is still amazing. Meltzer's mullet is nearly as good as the match. I've never seen the post-match stuff before. Magnum's in tears after the match, and I love Steamboat in the back with champagne. Love the champagne bath. Steamboat's blown away by it. Pre-show hypes up an SD rematch with Cena and the Usos against the Wyatts. Kofi beat Titus for Superstars. Sandow came out being happy he isn't dressed as a super villain. HE'S SHOOTING on Jimmy dressing like a Valentine's card for 30 years. They killed his mic. This is goofy, and he's wearing his silly shirt. Negative buys. They begged everyone WATCHING THE NETWORK to have their friends join. Booker hyped up King Booker and Riley...HEY YOU CAN GET THE NETWORK. Loved Riley saying watch Capital Punishment - well it was the peak of his career. HYPED FACE PROMO from Cena and the Usos. Sin Cara's facing Drew. Recap of Bryan-Brie from Raw. God, I hope Bryan doesn't get stripped of the title tonight with THIS as his "top guy" program. Sin Cara beat Drew.

Battle royal recap video starts the show. They showed the Shield mid-ring, then went to a 3/4 angle. Well, that was a weird transition from camera angles. Nice intense promos from Ambrose and Rollins. "You aight big man!?" led to Reigns just shaking and cutting a great promo too. Loved him saying that what they did to him wasn't enough. A BLACK LIMO showed up on the tron , so the Shield ran to the back. HHH was given a lot of paperwork...for some reason. That's just bad timing, and sure enough, a brawl broke out. Love HHH showing up late as the COO. RVD's out in a kick-ass black and orange singlet to face Swagger.

Zeb cut a promo on THE ENGLISH ADAM ROSE WHO SIPS ENGLISH. Or tea. A wigger sign made TV that could be easily mis-read. Adam Rose came down and Cole talked about BEING A ROSE PETAL. JBL corrected him. They're killing him. RVD hits a superkick and wins with the frog splash. This was stupid on many levels. RVD's a big fan of the drug party. Cole kept talking about HOW COOL AND FUN it was. A Paige music video aired of sorts. This feels like 10:30 filler stuff and it's only 8:20. She's got a match next.

Yet another BoLieve video. Alicia and her giant naval cut a promo on Paige not fitting it. Paige is hated by the divas now...for reasons that have never been explained on-air before. Alicia beat her up and it did get a PAIGE chant. I love that one-hand backbreaker into an apron toss spot. Fox is shining here. Fox did a nice surfboard with boots to the back instead of the hamstring. Paige turned Alicia's side headlock into a Paige Turner - nice! This was the best thing they've done with Paige yet. Alicia tore up the announce table and then...sprayed an energy drink on the fans! Alicia stole JBL's hat and the show! OH GOD A BRIE-BRYAN RECAP! Bryan speaks next. It's either about his neck or this angle, so I'm not looking forward to it either way.

Big yes chant for Bryan when he came down with his belts. He talked about having an uphill battle since winning the title at Summerslam, and the huge yes chants making him feel like Cena. He talked about having a target on his back and getting the worst beating of his life taking three tombstones. Oh yeah, the tombstones. Totally forgot about that since it really didn't matter afterwards. He talked about paying a price with his body, and unfortunately, he's got neck surgery on Thursday. Fuck. He said there's a chance his career is over, BUT IT WON'T BE! He set up his comeback with a big YES chant. This, and every WWE Title run for him has been a disaster. Odd to not just vacate the titles there, or with Steph coming out. Silly Cena-Bray recap. They aired a new video hyping up HOW AMAZING THE WWE NETWORK IS AND WHAT A GREAT VALUE IT IS WITH SHOP ZONE REWARDS!

A NEW-STYLE DID YOU NOW GRAPHIC?! WWE is the most influential sports brand on social media! So now they're a sport. They showed Cena in DC for the Komen walk. They're trying to get USO CRAZY over. Not gonna work. This is the hour 1 main event. Some good fast action with the Usos and Harper. They keep trying to get BRAYWASHED over. Senton saved Rowan from the STF. Usos saved Cena before the double dive. AA to Rowan wins. Fun, but not really essential. Bray thanked him for something and Evolution is next.

Evolution came out and Batista rambled on a bit. HHH said that their next match would have them with the gloves off. HHH THREATENED TO HUMBLE THE SHIELD! HHH promised to make an example out of Reigns. They got a boring chant at about the best time possible - the Shield immediately jumped them. Batista demanded himself against Reigns tonight. A Slam City aired...really now? After a serious angle you do that?

Total Divas were out with score cards. Nikki faces Nattie. This match is coming about due to an incident on Total Divas...which I guess is supposed to be live or something. I love that Eva Marie gets to rate holds and moves. Eva gave Nattie a 6 for a swank kick counter into a hold. Nikki went for a second-rope crossbody...thing of a bob that was just dreadful for 2. Nice bendy abdominal stretch from Nattie. "This isn't a match anymore, it's a fight!" led to a drop toehold to the ropes. Nikki won with a wacky cradle. Nattie tore up a card, and then Nikki was a complete bitch to her. Ryback came out with Axel and their new beanie...of course Ryback would get an RX beanie. Ryback faces Sheamus here. Nope. BIG GUY OUT due to a coin filp. They had a nothing match that got a boring chant before Sheamus won with the cloverleaf. THE BIG GUY ATTACKED and I think they have a match next.

Yup. Sheamus countered the meathook with the White Noise for 2. Ryback's blown up from a few minutes of action. They're selling this like it's a half-hour affair. Sheamus won the EPIC WAR with a brogue kick after like five minutes. A Network ad hyped up WHAT AN AMAZING VALUE it was and showed off the content. Sheamus-Cesaro was announced for Main Event - that should be fun. No title on the line. Steph's out. Steph came out and told Bryan to come down, then Kane put his limp body on the ramp. WHAT HAS HE DONE!? This is about as lame as when Abyss attacked RVD with Janice off-screen. Lamer, in fact - TNA at least went all the way with that. Oh God, and now Brie's acting. ISHEOKAY!? HEYISHEOKAY!?CHRISISHEOKAY!? This was stupid.

They came back and went to an ambulance with more bad acting. Sadly, Kane wasn't the driver. Fandango and Layla came out. JBL hyped up HOW EVERYONE IS FANDANGOING! They showed Summer-Fandango clips from Total Divas.AMAZED it's Dolph and not Santino. BTW, I guess Dolph's the jobber here, so he's now sub-Fandango.They did moves. No fucks were given by anyone. Layla yelled about cheating and then Fandango nearly won with a spin kick. Layla got caught in the apron and Dolph won with the Zig Zag. I pity everyone in this. They kissed and JBL ranted about cutting away. This sucked. Legends House - buy the Network to watch old guys pee in a pool.

JBL hyped up Hacksaw-Tony AND THEN HACKSAW CAME OUT! King and JBL buried Fink for being old. He cut a promo before being interrupted by RISE FOR LANA'S ASS. She called out Rusev, who seems to have no first name officially. Rusev broke the board. Big E came out to save Duggan. Oh lord, a Big E-Rusev program. Because what each guy needed was an oil and water feud.

Sandow? IT'S SHOOTING TIME! Sandow's got a mic which he said he SNUCK OUT THERE. Yup. With the big WWE logo on it. Sandow gets to face Cody...the RHODES SCHOLARS EXPLODE! JBL gave Doug Basham a happy birthday shoutout. Well that's nice of him. Crowd gave no shits about this. They did more moves. No fucks given. Magneto's now a superhero according to the announcer. JBL said Sandow made the plate in his hip move. They're now talking about JBL-Boogey, which I believe lasted less time than their referencing of it. Cody won with the kick after an eye rake. King referenced Snidely Whiplash. OH THANK GOD Roman-Batista is next.

Nope. Rowan's in the mask for a backstage promo. This program is making Bray jump the shark. Bray challenged Cena to a last man standing match. Can't wait for Cena to win with duct tape. Or a kid holding Bray down or something. Reigns is out for the main event. Cena will respond to Bray on SD.  Beardtista came out with the other guys. HHH in just jeans looks weird. Ditto Orton without the suit. Stick with a consistent look for goodness sake. Bootista chant broke out. Double dive from Ambrose and Rollins was missed by the camera guys. This led to a DQ due to a brawl on the floor. Steph as Rita is sending out the Putty Patrol. A billion guys, including Brodus, couldn't hold Reign back from spearing HHH. Shield beat up jobbers with chairs. Thank God the CURB STOMP got its name back, and Axel moved a chair in place for it. Health sold the Superman punch gloriously. Ryback ate a spear. This wasn't much of a match, but the post-match stuff will make for a fine highlight reel.

Screens -

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