Monday, March 10, 2014

ECW Anarchy Rulz 1999

Tanaka and a shit-load of arm scars start the show with an outdoor bit with Jeff Jones. A WWF Fears Taz sign is unblurred. Cyrus rules, and is getting a "you suck dick" chant. Cyrus has a glove on for protection since they'll be engaging in intellectual intercourse later. The highlight reel has Mahoney's crazy-stiff chairshot to Corino and Francine's giant tits bent over on the buckle. Lance using his ONS theme is so perfect since it's a great knock-off. A giant "show your tits" chant is aimed towards Dawn. Jerry's death metal replacement song sucks and is way too loud. Joey and Cyrus have fantastic chemistry together. Ditto Jerry and Lance. Jerry's ribs are taped, and that gives this match a focus immediately. I have fond memories of this match and all the rib work - like a bow and arrow on the ringpost. CARTWHEEL OUT OF A MONKEY FLIP! I had no memory of that, but it ruled - I demand that make it into the games and/or be used by Kofi soon. Corner punch and chop exchanges. TRIANGLE DROPKICK BY LYNN. This match rules. Everything's so fast and crisp. Bunch of counters and stuff. I like Storm busting out the military press and that leading to a reverse DDT counter. Sunset bomb with a flip by Lynn gets 2! Love the bit with Lynn ducking under the chair and bonking his ribs on the ringpost - that might be the spot I remembered since it's the same basic position, but sans a bow and arrow. Nice pendulum backbreaker/bow and arrow. Lynn's reverse DDT got countered, so he turned it into a stunner for 3. Joey isn't sure IF JERRY CAN BREATHE. Well, he's moving and doing moves, so I'll go with yeah. Leaping rana off the second rope from Lynn gets 2. Lynn takes a knee to the rubs and Lance locks on a 3/4 nelson for the win. Nice out of nowhere finish there. The half crab would've made sense, but they went with something different.

Simon has a problem. Simon's gear at least looks solid. "You suck dick!" chant breaks out for him. Simon is not amused by that. He told Tom Marquez to team with him, BUT HE DIDN'T SAY SIMON SAYS. Boy how could this not get over. A generic '70s porno theme hits and then it morphs into a generic rap for Jazz. Jazz has a real badass aura to her. Devito comes out to be his partner. Chetti and Nova come down to kill Simon. Devito's Wal-Mart shorts and shoes are not exactly screaming PPV-level. "Nova's the most ripped-off wrestler in wrestling!" "Welcome to reality, Joey." Nice bit of wisdom from Cyrus. Devito hits a scary bad powerbomb and they put over Simon being a former Coke exec. Double suplex and a facebuster from Simon. Chetti hurt his leg doing something. Devito fucks up a side effect and hits it the second time. Doring and Roadkill are out to further the VINTAGE ECW clusterfuck. Love Cyrus calling Roadkill a rebel Amish for wearing blue. They take out Jazz with a Hart Attack. CW Anderson and other jobbers come down to prevent them from killing Jazz. New Jack's out to murder people. Vito's at least in a nice shirt and slacks. New Jack's just bonking dudes with shit. He smacks Angel's balls with a pool cue and staples Rod Price a bunch. Guitar shot leads to a ton of powder flying everywhere. Knowing ECW, it could've actually been coke. That was indeed a thing.

Guidio's out's to face Super Crazy and Tajiri in his badass pleather gear and beard. That was such a radical transformation, but it worked perfectly for him. He went from looking like a jobber to looking like a top-level guy. Love Sal E as a big bully here. Slice from Guido to Tajiri. Perfect bridging German by Tajiri. Tajiri asks the front row to part as if he's Moses, so they do and he hits a gourdbuster on the guardrail. MOONSAULT OFF THE TOP FROM CRAZY TO BOTH GUYS. Nice flatfooted landing from him too. TREE OF WOE OH WOE IS GUIDO. He avoid's Crazy's kick, but not Tajiri's. Moonsault combo from Crazy takes Guido out. Round kick to the stomach sends Crazy down - nice to see that happen. Usually, it's just a setup kick for something else, but because his kicks are so deadly, they take guys down. Spanish corner mount punches! I'd forgotten about that spot! Powerbomb by Crazy is countered into a spinning standing Tornado DDT. Dragon sleeper by Crazy leads to a reverse tornado DDT off the top. NICE! 2.9! Moonsauult combo is countered by knees, the buzzsaw kick, a basement dropkick and a brainbuster for the win! Tajiri's facial expressions are so great. This was a lot of fun.

Corino cuts a promo on the ICP no-showing. Corino looks maybe 15 here, and is super-skinny. Tonight, Corino and Rhino will face Dreamer and Raven. So weird to see Rhino backstage and not yelling about someone sucking his fucking cock. Cyrus's WWF mention got muted, and Joey went on a rant on Bill Busch for taking back the ICP. Seeing Credible without his theme really showcases how much that theme helped him out. They're not even using his WWE theme, or a knock-off of "Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck". "It's Justin Your Mouth" is a fantastic sign. Jason looks like a sleazy strip club owner. There's a guy with a helmet in the crowd. Justin's saying words. Dude's not a good promo. He's good at hitting dudes with the cane though. He bonks Artese for not immediately announcing him the winner by forfeit. Sabu comes down to face him. The only spot of this I remember is the swank corner swinging DDT through a table by Credible. Sabu jumps around and hits some stuff, including a dive to the floor into the crowd. Credible holds onto the rope so Sabu can legdrop him. Fun game spot. MAKES ZERO SENSE FOR AN ACTUAL MOVE. Wacky table ledrop through a table tilted leads to JC just sliding down it. Then they went through it, because why not. Credible is all busted up. Dueling camel clutches. Sabu threw JC into the buckles, and thankfully, he bounced back and spun around so he could take a springboard tornado DDT. Sliding...something by Sabu missed, so he got a cane shot and JC got 2. Stunner is used to set up the corner DDT. Shitty stunner too. Tammy's looked better. That DDT is still cool, although it's way sloppier than I remember. Sabu goes for a cover off of that because why not. Triple jump moonsault hits! Triple jump legdrop hits too...why not go for a cover between those things? The Sabu spots, when done well, have aged nicely, but there's just no logic to much of this. Comparing it to Lynn-Storm, that will be a good match in any time because it's got a strong foundation. This is something that makes you go "holy shit" and would be a ton of fun to watch with friends in high school/college with a bit of a buzz going. A shitty That's Incredible hits on the chair for the win. The guys tried, but this just didn't work.

ECW World title match is up. STREAMERS! Taz and his tattered towel look so badass. Awesome's out. I'm surprised that they're muting GODDAMN here since it's left in on BATB 2000. Heyman makes the match a 3-way. I'd forgotten it was just going to be Tanaka-Taz. Dives and brawling to start. Tanaka elbow combo and an Awesome splash take out Taz quickly with a double pin. That's just about a perfect way to send a guy out. They did it quickly, so hey, it could've been a fluke, but it was definitive and both guys are shown pinning him. They each also played about an equal part in the winning combo too. The roster claps for Taz and he basically tells them to go out and steal the show. Big Taker dive starts off the Awesome-Tanaka portion. Stiff lariat from Awesome leads to a basic sitout powerbomb for 2. Awesome was so fun to play as in CAW form in NM and WM 2000 because it had a ton of powerbombs and you could do things like a powerbomb off the apron onto stuff. Iffy triangle lariat from Tanaka takes Awesome down. RAMPWAY RUNNING CHAIRSHOT FROM TANAKA! I love that spot, and it looks so much cooler with the roster on the ramp. Torndo DDT onto the ramp. Missile dropkick off the top to Awesome - I have no memory of him ever doing that move. Tornado DDT onto Awesome. Chair on the face of Awesome leads to the New Jack elbow chairshot deal for 2. Shitty powerbomb from Tanaka gets 2. AWESOMEBOMB OVER THE TOP THROUGH THE TABLE. That actually still looked safer than the average Border Toss from Hernandez. Alabama slam from Awesome sets up a frog splash off the top for 2.9. Nasty pair of chairshots to Tanaka, unprotected. I like the use of a white chair, because it's so different, but this is tough to watch in 2014. Diamond Dust after a countered chairshot gets 2. Nasty German from Awesome was no-sold and led to a sick spear for 2.9. Odd to use that for 2 given that it's Rhino's finisher. Super chairshot...fucking hell. Instead of GOING FOR A PIN, he sets up a table to do a splash. Why the fuck wouldn't you at least go for a cover after that? SUPERBOMB THROUGH A TABLE FOR 3! Well, this wasn't their best match, but a damned good one. I remember watching this live and thinking it was the start of a new era for the company. Taz comes in, kisses the belt goodbye, and hands it to Awesome. The roster hugs Taz, and Paul E hugs him as well.

YES! It's time for Raven's awesome playground promo. I remember him swinging and being all ominous. Raven looks so badass with shades on. Joel's out, and Dreamer's coming down with his "Man in Chains" ONS '05 theme. Francine's in a tight leather top and mini-skirt barely covering her tits. They're teasing retirement since Tommy's got two herniated discs in his back, and Joey says this could all be a plan by Raven to cripple him. I love that any combo of that, and Francine picking up the dropped belt. Francine's outfit is buys. Joel says he respect's Tommy, even if he doesn't like him. Joel's only 24 here and looks no less than 45. Dreamer compared himself to Sammy Sosa - everyone pays for his salary just like the fans pay for Tommy's. Dreamer's personalized jersey is a nice touch. Tommy don't need no glitzy shit - HE IS TOMMY DREAMER AND HE NEEDS TO INNOVATE SOME VIOLENCE! Corino's an awesome smug asshole. HOW DARE TOMMY ATTACK JACKO VICTORY! Poor man's in a wheelchair! Nice outside-in splash over the top from Tommy, who is perhaps the only guy to make basic pants and a shirt work as wrestling gear. Raven runs down and gets caught in the ropes, which I thought looked cool because he just flew in through the bottom anyway. DDT to Rhino. Victory and Corino are attacking and they tease an attack via dosey-do, but win with stereo DDTs. Nice song for Raven here. It's better than the stuff used in Crazy Taxi's XBLA/Steam/PSN version to replace the Offspring. Mancow is out with Toad and Al Roker Jr. Raven flips off Dreamer and leaves with the fat, hairy dudes.

Joey and Cyrus are running down tonight's events and Axl's out to put the company over and challenge Awesome for a shot. The Impact Players and Johnny Smith are out. Smith-RVD is the TV Title match. Never once mentioned on the card. One issue with ECW is the pre-show set everything up perfectly, but without those, the cards make...less sense than the usual clusterfuck. Axl insults Lance and says he's only over due to the tits, not the talent. Impact Players beat him down before Balls helps him out. Spike hits the Acid Drop on Dawn. Balls hits Smith with a motherfucking nasty chairshot. Mahoney here was about 27 and also looks at least 45. Axl tells Fonzie to bring RVD out here to face Balls for the TV Title.

This seems random, but having this main event actually makes some sense with it being due to Rotten putting the entire night's events over to set this up. "RVD is the Bowl God" is a glorious sign. A guy in the crowd works at Wal-Mart 852. Punches, kicks, and flips. ECW RVD loved him some flips and random rolls. Floor brawling, because why not. Balls drinks a fan's beer and bonks the cup on Rob's head. More brawling. More kicks. Nice side belly to belly by Balls. Savio Vega spinkick over the ropes by Balls. MORE FLOOR BRAWLING. Van Daminator in the crowd. This is kinda boring. CHINLOCK by Balls. Running Liger bomb on a chair from Balls gets 2. Balls appears to be in a blue singlet with his street clothes over it. Looks weird. Piledriver from Balls doesn't get the N2R '97 leap 90 feet into the air sell. Balls has his special Anarchy Rulz chair of death prepared and nails him. Rather than go for a cover, he just lifts the chair up again. THEN he goes for a cover so Fonzie can bonk him with a chair to break up the pin. Van Daminator kick off the top from RVD gets 2. Five star gets the win. Highlight reel of the show closes it. This wasn't quite as good a show as I remembered, but Lynn-Storm and the World Title match are well worth checking out.

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