Monday, March 3, 2014

WWE Raw 3-3-14

I might as well write about the post-show this week as well, since it should at least be a noteworthy thing through WM. Raw's got Batista-Bryan set up presumably from the Batista turn on SD where he mocked the fans chanting for a 190 pound weakling instead of him. It would be nice to reference that tonight and then build up the match for next week, but whatever - WWE doesn't really do much advance planning for TV matches and at least they hyped up Shield-Wyatts on SD. Duggan's gotta give a big HOOOO! Usos-Outlaws battle for the tag titles tonight. Should be fun. Riley's talking about WM being the biggest payday of the year. CM Punk's chants already started. And then they immediately go to a video package! Brie and Bryan came in and talked about the Batista promo. Renee's dress is beautiful. Bryan's "gonna show Batista what a real man is!" Graphic should've been Boo-tista vs. The Yes Movement. Alex Riley as Batista's stooge could be really fun. Love him saying BATISTA'S BEEN REAL SINCE DAY ONE. They had a graphic for most surprising recent "attitude change". How was Orton's turn in August a recent attitude change?

Shield-Wyatts has A WRESTLEMANIA-TYPE FEEL! This is a glorious video package recapping their whole deal. Los Matadores are out for a Superstars match. Duggan hyped up "the Bryan family". Cena-Wyatts recap from Raw. "I had a chance to read the injury report, and it's still undecided!" Not because of poor planning, nope - he didn't want an MRI. Matadores vs. Rybaxel. CM PUNK BROUGHT UP! NXT Arrival hype video. They should've put this on SD. HHH, lead heel, is a proud dad of the NXT crew. They hyped up the next Countdown show on entrances - totally forgot about Kane's welding mask. Great promo from Road Dogg, with Billy being his parrot. Love Billy giving Road Dogg a finger wag for being old. Then they yelled STILL CHAMPS at Renee. THIS RULED! Matadores won and did a Superstars promo and got bood. MASSIVE CM Punk chant. King and Torito are alike - TORITO IS HORNY! Matadores are being a bit heelish here. BOOM! Riley's a 2 on the Konnan scale. Heyman and Renee are amazing together. "Renee...what have you heard and why are you here..." There's a Legends House promo on the tron that is just terrible. Raw is now! CM Punk chant is drowning out Cole's voiceover.

PUNK'S THEME HITS! A massive CM Punk chant hits. And it's Heyman! Well, Heyman coming out makes little sense since they blew their feud off months ago, but whatever. Heyman's putting the mic out to the crowd - " I BELIEVE HE DESERVES LOUDER THAN THAT!". So is Heyman a face now or what? He's out to tell the story of a Paul Heyman guy who was never wanted in WWE. A Heyman guy that THEY thought was too small to main event WrestleMania. Heyman doing this in Indian style rules. He's talking about tattoos, and them not wanting in WWE from day one or right now. This is either Punk, or Brock, which makes no sense with the small hype, but works with the tattoos. Jessamyn Duke and Sami Zayn are loving this on Twitter. "Why won't anyone talk about CM Punk anymore?". "There is a finger to point around here. There's someone to blame for why CM Punk wouldn't put up with it anymore. THERE'S A TIME WHEN YOU HAVE TO RISK YOUR JOB SECURITY AND POINT THE BLAME FOR THE FACT THAT CM PUNK ISN'T HERE TONIGHT. I POINT THAT FINGER AT EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU!" Heyman is amazing. This is all THE UNDERTAKER'S FAULT, and since CM Punk couldn't do it, BROCK LESNAR, THE MAN WHO BEAT CM PUNK, CAN! Brock beating Punk at Summerslam didn't make a ton of sense at Summerslam, but now makes perfect sense. Brock's got his right hand all taped up. Recap of the Brock-Taker deal from last week.

Brock grabbed the mic and said that the Dead Man is afraid of him. EVERYONE HAS FAILED to end the streak. Shawn, HHH, and "your own baby boy" CM Punk are FAILURES! Sarcastic Brock rules. AT WRESTLEMANIA, THE STREAK IS GONNA GET CONQUERED BY BAAARRROOOCK LESNAARRRR! JBL referencing YAY IT'S HENRY! And he's getting destroyed by Brock! F5 through the table never stops being awesome! It's so good to see WWE book Lesnar as a world-conquering badass. That WM 30 jersey is pretty awesome. Road Dogg FINALLY acting like a heel rules. Time for the Usos to win them some non-gold. Fun match - these teams have great chemistry. Super-smooth punches and chops from Jimmy to Billy. Double Assalanche is setup, but only one hits before the Whispher in the Wind hits. Fameasser countered into a blind tag dive, then THE SUPERFLY DIVE! THE USOS WIN AND THE CROWD GOES CRAZY! Usos win while a Terra Ryzing sign is in the background. And a fan held up a Colt Cabana fathead.

The divas are talking about the guest star...The fucking. State of. This ac-ting. Here. Big E's out for another match with Cesaro for whatever reason. Cesaro STARTS this by just throwing Big E around, not exactly with ease, but fucking hell this dude is strong. Swing, and then Swagger comes in for a DQ. Goddamn that was short but a ton of fun. Big Ending out of nowhere. Big E was a dick there...why? HOLY SHIELD! Shield-Wyatts is up next. This is the best first hour of Raw in ages. ROLLINS IS RUNNING WILD TO START! HE EVEN COUNTERS HARPER'S DIVE WITH A SIN CARA KICK FROM THE FLOOR! I demand a best of five million series from now until the end of time. It's a damn shame they won't do this as a 3-on-3 War Games-style chamber. It's already great in 2K14, and it would be even better in real life. I love Dean just shoving Bray over Harper. Rollins-mania runs wild again with the flatliner into the buckle to Rowan! Dean gets in and just hits Thesz press with some wacky crazy punches! Then he hits the snap running dropkick to Rowan's knee. FIGURE FOUR! VINTAGE MOXLEY! Bray and Ambrose did some Frye-Takayama for a second there. Neck twist from Rowan leads to the double noogie. JBL just repeating his Cody-Goldust commentary here saying Harper and Rowan are brothers. VINTAGE TERRY FUNK rople-caught swingset selling from Ambrose. AMBROSE GOES FOR A TAG BUT SETH LEFT! SETH ABANDONS THE SHIELD. Didn't see that coming. Ambrose and Reigns now have to fight together after weeks of drama! SUPERMAN PUNCHES FROM REIGNS! Rope draping dropkick to Rowan! CRAZY SPEAR OVER THE TABLE FROM ROMAN! HARPER DIVES ONTO ROMAN! Sister Abigail hits Ambrose and the Wyatts win. This might've even better better than the PPV match. Renee met with BOOTISTA! Batista stole Punk's Gracie hoodie. The fans are reading too many comics, watching too many comics, and are in a fantasy world if they think Bryan's a superstar. I heart Bootista saying that while starring in a comic book movie.

They recapped the Usos winning the titles, since that's been the least-noteworthy thing on this massive show so far. Main Event Live has the Outlaws-Usos. YES! Emma and Santino face Summer and Fandango. They better show some damned clips from the NXT special here. Love Summer saying WHAT ARE YOU DOING during the skin the cat spot. JBL said that Santino and Emma would have the cutest 18 year old kid in third grade. JBL BURYING the dance. Cole is begging JBL to put it over as the GM of NXT. CM Punk and WE WANT ZIGGLER chants. A WE WANT ZIGGLER chant!? Holy time warp! Emma did a rolling elbow while doing the goofy dance...yeah that was no Misawa. King had no idea what to call the Tarantula. Emma Lock gets the win. She's doomed. She's winning, but this act just isn't over, and has no chance of getting over with both JBL and King burying everything about it. SD GETS A RECAP for Sheamus-Alberto. Sheamus-Christian gets back on the treadmill tonight!

A corny Steph WWE Network promo aired about being so proud of being a wrestling fan. They had a commentary discussion with Vince. JBL said that JR's commentary was horse shit, and then did a terrible BY GAWD impression. I figured this was just Vince in JBL's ear when he said Vince was the best commentator ever, but this was a bit much - good for JR to get a free plug for the Ross Report though. JBL buried Christian's physique. Sheamus and Christian are having a perfectly fine match, but it's hard to care with the crowd's poorly-muted CM Punk chant getting through. They ran around the announce table like goofs while a CM PUNK chant drowned everything out.

They came back and Christian tossed Sheamus over the barricade, which looked ridiculous. Then JBL said it's a good thing Sheamus is so pale - he won't get skin no. There was "no gimmicks needed" Chris Candido, and now there's "no fucks given" Christian. They're trying but, this match is as thrilling as drinking a lukewarm glass of water. They did some moves and Christian worked himself into the clubbering position before avoiding it. OUTSIDE-IN CLUBBERING worked. MORE BURIAL OF Christian's chest. It's a sunken chest...How do they bury Christian's chest but not Kofi's? A THIS IS AWFUL chant broke out. THIS IS AW-FUL! "Here comes the skinny frog!" Sheamus barely kicked out of the skinny frog splash, so he must suck too then. White Noise got 2. "BORING" chant broke out. Brogue kick on the apron mercifully ended this. God I hope Cena vows to never give up or surrender tonight! Scooby ad. They somehow failed to make Vince McMahon look like a cartoon character. HOW DO YOU DO THAT!?

Sheamus talked with Renee, and got booed IMMEDIATELY! And then Sheamus got jumped by Christian. Bellas are facing Aksana and Alicia. Brie Mode knee leads to nothing. Cole called everyone in this FOUR TREMENDOUS ATHLETES! Brie trying to make a not moving forward at all, and while on her knees. Some effort. Nikki's vibing up! Shock Treatment wins for Nikki. Cole awkwardly read copy about Batista-Bryan. Sirens gets plugged, which gives me time to get a drink. THE STATE of the sweater on the black guy on Sirens in the crowd. Cole begged everyone to tweet #yesmovement. THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT  - subtle. Bryan came down to cut a promo. "WE ARE GOING TO HIJACK RAW!" LOLed hard. Bryan's not going to leave until one of two things happens, leading to a giant CM Punk chant and him grinning. HHH's and Steph's rack came down. Steph entered the ring in Bryan's colors while a huge CM Punk chant broke out. Thank God it's nearly impossible to hear Steph over this crowd. Bryan talked about being beaten down and screwed over, BUT HE'S STILL HERE, UNBROKEN WITH THE FANS BEHIND HIM! HHH called this the Excuses or Blame era - which just rolls off the tongue. "THEY BURIED ME!" - HHH rules. HHH is having to yell in order to talk over these CM Punk chants. So to keep track, HHH is a heel in this segment. Steph might be too. Loved the crowd chanting asshole and HHH saying that they're saying it's Bryan's turn. I love that this feud revolves around the title and yet it's not for it. DIGITAL AND SOCIAL MEDIA BLOWS UP with Daniel Bryan.

Steph put over how her family did everything to make Bryan look good. 21 trucks rolled into the building FOR HIM! Bryan said that she should put on HHH's trunks and he should wear her skirt - I approve of Bryan's idea becoming a wacky photoshop. HHH then said that Steph would kick Bryan's ass. HHH then talked to Bryan like he was a child, and said it's a showcase of the immortals! And Bryan just does not measure up. HHH demanded that Bryan leave his ring. I'm just glad HHH is a solid B+ heel throughout this, as opposed to being both a heel and face in one segment. Steph called out Mr. Kane, who got demolished by Bryan. She demanded security come down, but they didn't. Security finally came down and she yelled at him to STAY OUT. Steph's going to sound 90 in 5 years with all this screaming. Cole said he'll be IN WHAT HE CALLS THE PEOPLE'S RING. He never once called it that. Bryan-Batista is still on, BTW. GET OUT OF MY BUILDING. Until the main event match. In 30 minutes.

A REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING SUITS AD aired trying to get over #litup. Recap of the Brock-Heyman stuff from earlier. AND IF YOU HAVE THE WWE NETWORK, YOU COULD WATCH BROCK LESNAR DESTROYING DUDES ALL THE TIME! Alberto got a jobber intro. Something revved up. It was Aaron Paul with Dolph - Dolph might actually get a win here. NO CGI, JUST LIKE WWE. So WWE is just as real as Need For Speed! Paul's on commentary. JBL put over NEED FOR SPEED AS THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME OF ALL TIME! They further put over there being no CGI for the movie. It's so weird for them to bury the Fast series while putting them over huge when Rock's around. Aaron Paul got on the table and they warned him about Alberto. Zig Zag - Dolph won! New HOFer gets announced next!

They hyped up that the HOF ceremony will air live on the theory. IT'S PAUL BEARER, although they teased it like it was Taker. Loving the wacky smoky graphics for the talking heads. "DEATH, OH WHAT A WORD!" probably didn't need to be in this. Oh thank the lord, we get Big E pulling double duty now against Swagger. Big E got hit with the Neutralizer out of nowhere. Swagger slapped Cesaro... YAY SWING TIME! YAY ZEB PROMO TIME! Zeb begged him to not swing Swagger. FOR THE SAKE OF THE PEOPLE, don't swing him! I'm so glad to see Zeb get a year-long run in WWE. He deserved some good after losing his grand-daughter and this is a reminder that good can happen after turmoil. Zeb demanded that they hug it out! Cesaro gave him a big wacky slappy hug.

According to Nikki's twitter, her finisher is the Nikki Rack Attack. Well, there is no better name for that move for her. Main Event gets Bryan-Kane as well. Good to see them going all-out with that show again. Cena came out with a knee wrap, so they've nixed the groin pull part of the storyline. A guy dressed as a clown in a Punk shirt gave Cena's handsign. CM Punk chant got going before Cena could utter a word. It's 10:45, so this shouldn't be taking up too much time. Normally, the main event would get going around now. Cena said that HE WILL NOT HAVE A MATCH. Shocking, given that he wasn't announced for one and the show's nearly over. He's mixing it up with grey shorts now. A CM Punk chant hit and he said he came out to hear THAT - the passion of a city. He hyped up Brock beating him up in this arena, and at MITB, he lost to Punk here. THE WWE UNIVERSE WANTS CHANGE and he respects it! BUT YOU GOTTA RESPECT THAT CHANGE WILL COME AND GO THROUGH HIM! He tied that into the Wyatt feud, which is good because with the prior stuff, it sounded like he was hyping up a Punk match. "I'm at the same place now when I began my career in 2002!" - only with a lot more money, merch, and a giant house with an elevator. Bray cut an awesome promo about feeling the energy and Cena being a thoroughbred horse. He races and wins! AND THE PEOPLE JUST CHEER FOR HIM. But one day, this championship horse slows down and that is when reality sets in! AND NOW HE FINDS HIMSELF LOOKING FOR THE FINISH LINE, and is in the back of a barn laid out on a slab. Mercy is calling you by name! Bray is the reaper and he's going to put Cena down. This rules. Bray called Cena the loneliest man on Earth because he sits on top of his lonely castle, and there will be nothing left when Bray takes it all away. Bray Wyatt rules!

Lona came out to put over Rusev in a re-enactment of the SD bit with the Olympic podium. Bryan-Batista is the Itchy and Scratchy fireworks factory. AND A RECAP OF HOGAN! Hogan's got a WM XXX announcement next week. AND NOW ORTON'S OUT! Batista's FINALLY out at 11 PM and didn't blow up doing his intro. LOL @ the put some pants on sign. Cole talked about Bryan being a "superharo", so I guess he's a bunny now. There are also SKINNY JEANS and BORE-TISTA signs. Batista's gear looks so ridiculous. He's got giant grey and black knee braces, black, blue and orange trunks with matching shoes and Flair-esque kneepads around his ankles. Dropkick to the knee from Bryan leads to Batista getting a YOU CAN'T WRESTLE sign. 11:05 THE FINAL COMMERCIAL BREAK! Good lord. Great exchange from King and Cole after the break. "We're not over. NOT AT ALL!"  Missile dropkick>kip up takes down Batista. Batista's giant wacky leg tattoo was visible because of his left knee brace slipping down. The Authority came down, leading to a giant CM Punk chant! Batista threw Bryan into Orton, leading to Batista doing the yes bit! Orton attacks Bryan. RKO to Batista led to the Knee+, then Batista got dropkicked leading to Kane getting...knocked somewhere near HHH resulting in him falling down. Bryan got speared by Batista, and Bryan kicked HHH, and then ate a Batista bomb. HHH is up. IT'S SHOVELIN TIME! Pedigree! Steph did the yes bit and they stood over Bryan. Steph kicking Bryan's legs away from her is something else.

The post-show deal started with Bryan being helped up, and then Show came down to whoop some ass with Cena and Bryan. Steph did the Yes bit with Renee. Renee has HHH, who...just leaves. Axel says he'd be happy to do the light work for the Authority. YAY TITUS. SPELL HUNGRY! They're not showing anything on the tron, but there's a giant YES chant in the background. 

Screens -

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