Thursday, March 6, 2014

TNA Impact 3-6-14

Finally - a Cops rerun before Impact that doesn't involve the 17 year old kid arguing with his mother. This one has drunken possible car theft! Impact's got a 3-on-3 elimination match to not only fill time, but determine the man advantage for Lethal Lockdown. God, this MVP-Dixie thing has seemingly gone on for nine million years. This video package has SO MUCH STUFF in it and just refuses to end. Oh yeah, Aries turned heel last week. Roode came down with the Bro Mans and DJ does this look bizarre. They showed the Bro Mans regaining the titles - I guess they had to regain them since they were taped here with the belts. At least the Wolves weren't pinned to lose them. Aries came down and said his thought was WELL THOUGHT OUT. Oh yeah, and he's X Champ too. Aries wants PART of Roode's 10%. Why? Oh thank the lord above, NOW THEY'RE ARGUING ABOUT OWNING 10% OF TNA! Aries wants to split the 10% in half - each guy gets what's the point then? The Bro Mans all want 1%. This is so goddamn ridiculous for TEN FUCKING PERCENT of TNA. MVP and the Wolves came down. They pimped MVP's theme being on iTunes...all of this without him having a contract. MVP is by far the best talker in the company.

This got a boring chant...and then Dixie came out in a black, blue, and gold dress - looks like Simon Diamond's old gear. Dixie then cut an angry promo about loving TNA more than anything and doing ANYTHING to keep complete control. Dixie said she didn't care who MVP's new guy was unless he could part the red sea. MVP said it was a former world champ...PACMAN JONES!? Nope - it's Jeffrey Nero Hardy! Dixie said his contract wasn't valid, but MVP said he'd be in there. Then MVP did a wacky Southern accent. More talking. Christ, this has only gone on for 10 minutes. Then a brawl broke out to setup the main event next. So within a half hour, we're getting Hardy's return announcement and the main event...why is this show two hours?

An ad for a knee brace aired during Impact. Main event started. THIS SHOULD KILL TIME (clap clap clap clap) Oh, and Dixie "went to New York" to secure a victory for Team Dixie. MVP hit the shitty Shining Wizard to eliminate Robbie, which Christy announced in the most bored manner possible. Aries and Davey had a great forearm exchange. Big shining wizard from Davey led to the rolling elbow from Aries taking him down. MVP and Roode impersonated fighting spirit. MVP got beat with a schoolboy thanks to Aries.Now it's down to Davey against both Aries and Roode. Back elbow in the corner from Aries led to a bulldog and got 2. Double sledge off the top from Aries to the floor allowed Roode to get 2. Davey kicked Aries into Roode, then dropkicked Roode so he DDT'd Aries. Really crappy rolling half-crab by Davey. Aries came in and hit Davey with a chair, so Aries got DQ'd. Roode's still legal...despite being the legal man during the chairshot. Now they're teasing an injury to Davey. The heels are all leaving while the faces are tending to him...okay then.

During the break, they took Davey away. IS THE MATCH OVER!? WILL IT CONTINUE!? Earl said he'd give them one hour to get ready for the match again. Eddie wanted to know if there was nerve damage...really dude? Magnus and Joe have a face to face meeting later. Shaw-Anderson was made for the PPV. They recapped Shaw being a creep. Samuel Shaw said Christy's passionate slap was a thing of beauty...and he's drinking some tea. And now it's a break. Nice of them to spend nine seconds in Movie Maker to craft Shaw's entrance video. JB's doing the announcing instead of Christy, and he's come out with his teabag. Shaw's theme went from the wacky "watching you" one to a creepy song. Anderson came out and said that Christy's not around due to THAT FREAKIN GUY, but playing the part of Christy is a man from GREEN BAY, WISCONSIN - MR. ANDERSON! Shaw  looked annoyed. INTRODUCING FIRST...CREEEPPPYY BASSSTTAARRRRDDD! Anderson's ruling it. EY's getting a massive reaction, and very prolonged too. EY did the mounted punches, but faked them out for the 10th punch with a bolo punch. A big creepy bastard chant broke out, and they hyped up CRO COP on the Countdown to Glory special tonight. Flair flip by EY. OH NO. EY got...some lukewarm tea in the face and thrown into some part of a chair. Anderson's in the choke and Shaw's still getting a creepy bastard chant. And then Shaw said he's going back to claim "what's rightfully mine". Tenay kindly told her to get out. Davey wanted to go to the hospital, but MVP told him he needed heart. MVP's doing great at playing wrestling promoter so far.

They hyped up Cro Cop on GLORY on Saturday. MVP ran into dressing rooms yelling about Aries. Al didn't wear a jacket! Pat Kenny's greying beard is something else. EC3-Angle was recapped. Dixie cut a promo about going to New York, before EC3 came in and interrupted her. "MVP is going to rue the day that he invested one dime in this company!". Hilarious. Then Shaw said "Christy" a bunch and they went to a break. Then they came back with him doing it still. Velvet was caught without her top on, but with a bra - so about what she's usually got on. She said that Christy was in the makeup room. EC3 walked out angrily. He cut a promo about how you shouldn't meet your heroes because THEY SUCKERPUNCH YOU. And the cage match will be a war over submissions - the ankle lock versus A LEGLOCK! He said he beat Sting become the new icon of wrestling, and he'll beat Kurt and become the new face of American wrestling. LIGHTBULB! He'll be the AMERICAN ICON - PRINTING MONEY! Angle said EC3 wasn't an American icon - HE WAS AN AMERICAN ASSHOLE! Kurt's HOF shirt is terrible. Kurt walked down and then EC3...just left. He then jumped Angle on the ramp. They're building up the old vs. new stuff well, but seem to be setting up results that the veterans win instead of the new guys. Davey was apparently told by MVP in Japan that you've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything...and he said this in a really boring way. KOs 6-chick tag is up next.

Come to Lockdown early for the PRE-SHOW PARTY, FREE WITH YOUR TICKETS! Kenny King got a hype vid! Kenny King gets a limo and MVP got a mini-van. Sabin came out on the Alpha Female's shoulders - he rules. Gail-Madison was announced for the PPV. Train wreck by Tapa. Velvet prepped for a hot tag by shaking her ass. Tenay and Taz did a wacky Gene bit leading to Snitsky getting a mention. Sabin THREATENED VELVET WITH THE CHAIN! Sabin called her a stupid skank, so she slapped him and then low-bridged him. Velvet hit whatever her finisher is called on the Alpha Female to win. Sabin let out a big WHYYYY when he was over the Alpha Female. Sabin is embracing mid-card hell, I'll give him that much. It took Shaw a long time to find a guy to tell him where the makeup room is.

They thanked the UK fans in a graphic for making TNA the top wrestling show in the UK. Despite Hardy being announced as back, WE GOT A WILLOW VIDEO! He said something about seven days. Samuel Shaw saw a red wig in the makeup room. It was Anderson in a dimestore wig and they brawled. Then Anderson put lipstick on Shaw...I thought "well, this feud couldn't get more stupid." Then Anderson put lipstick on Shaw. Shaw sniffed the wig, so I guess he's going to go masturbate with it or something. A really epic Gunner-Storm video aired. Gunner's dad said his father didn't get to see him accomplish anything, but he'll see his son accomplish something. Rick Lail cut the best promo on the show so far. Gunner's out...I'm pretty sure we're well past an hour for the deadline on Davey. Gunner came out in a nice workshirt and said HE LIVES WITH A CODE. He worked for everything, and ya know, jealousy got into things. Gunner talked about PTSD hitting inside the cage. Storm came out in an awesomely-tacky suit jacket. Storm told him to pack a lunch for an all-day ass-whooping! Gunner made their match a last man standing match, because there weren't enough stips on the all-cage PPV. Storm told him to pray to God on Sunday, cuz he'll cut him down. Storm rules. Nice kneeling superkick too. Roode talked to Earl's kid about the hour. He's tired of waiting so he's coming down - it's Roode-Davey one on one...this would've been an awesome match during the Roode era of the world title.

Roode came out to say more words. And after the match, there's still Joe-Magnus, and it's 10:40. So that means the main event match will have no real time. Oh good, a 10 count fakeout. Davey's got the shoulder all taped up. Magnus, the world champ, hasn't been on the go-home show at all. They talked about Roode wanting to leave TNA, but staying due to Dixie giving him 10% if they he's not really all that good a businessman because a 10% stake is like nothing. They did a mid-match VO for Billy Robinson, and tied that into Bellator. Davey hit a suicide dive on Roode. Davey got a missile dropkick and then did Bryan's round kick combo. Roode bomb countered into a sunset flip. Roode bomb and the crossface on the shoulder got the win! Nice way to get two finishers in one match. Three counting the post-match Fujiwara armbar. Tiger Uno did a low-budget version of the Sin Cara hype vid by doing moves to Zema. Magnus and Dixie argues over the importance of the title versus the ENTIRE COMPANY. This was awful.

They ran down the PPV card. I expect some Card Subject to Change for the Angle-EC3 match. Joe came down and they showed him kicking a bunch of ass since then. The Joehawk hairstyle is something else. Magnus came out in a nice sports coat and slacks...and his T-shirt. Magnus talked about he and Joe being in the ring together in Wembley, winning titles in TNA and Japan, and the BFG Series being all about Magnus. They talked, and talked, and talked and talked and talked! It's the Itchy and Scratchy (and Talky) Show! Oh yeah, ZERO hype for the Great Muta on the PPV! Joe's talking about the rules of wrestling not being conducive for his madness, but JOE'S RULES work for him. And he wants to drink his pain and shed his blood. Then they brawled for a bit. Chokeout from Joe and a tap, so Magnus is retaining.

Screens -

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