Sunday, March 9, 2014

TNA Lockdown 2013

ALL OF YOUR BIGGEST FEARS! (like the buyrate of this show) YOUR BIGGEST NIGHTMARES! (THE ATTENDANCE!) hyped up the show. A guy in a Jay Lethal Macho-style shirt was in the crowd, ditto someone in an Aces and 8s mask. Bad Influence came out in blue and yellow gis with Muta paint masks. Chris "gives no fucks" Sabin came out being all wacky. This match is part of TNA'S GLOBAL EXPANSION! A giant Japanese flag was the video for Sanada, with the title. IT WAS ONE WEEK AGO TONIGHT when he became X Champ...even though Aries had the belt on the show. They should've just done a line where Tenay said Aries stole the title from him or something. Sanada and Yasu got generic themes. Muta came out getting a chant and wearing a massive outfit that made him look like a star. Muta's theme is absolutely terrible. They talked about Muta being a bucket list match for Kaz. Snapmare into the power drive elbow! STF gets broken up. Roll into the dropkick and the mist! Taz talked about Muta debuting in the U.S. in Florida and here he is again - nice! Kaz and Daniels '90s Cyclops gear with Not-The-X-Men logo is great. Sanada's got some super-bright gear, but it stands out. Nice TKO from him. Everyone fed into Muta's dragon screw legwhips. Sanada hits a snap cutter, then got a tag. SHINING WIZARD FROM MUTA led to the Sanada moonsault for the win. This was super-fun.

Spud and Dixie said shit. She's blocking Hardy from the building. Shaw-Anderson vid from Impact aired here. Shaw's got a new entrance video, so instead of the black and green DX one, he's got a creepy black and grey one. And if Christy doesn't come out, he'll jump off the cage. This got a creepy bastard chant. Anderson offered to kick his ass instead of letting him kill himself. Christy for whatever reason is just staying out there. A guy held up a Bob Ryder 4 TNA HOF sign, and then they chanted for Punk. Mic Check into the buckle from Anderson. Shaw pulled Christy into the cage through the camera hole. Shaw slithered around awesomely. Shaw choked him out and he left the cage.

Team Roode said stuff. EC3 countering "you can't wrestle" with "I disagree - I'm very good. I TOOK KURT ANGLE WITH A WRESTLING MOVE!" was great. A fan held up a Cena U.S. belt replica behind EC3. EC3 issued a challenge to ANYONE ON THE TNA ROSTER. Instead of that, Lashley came out. Just having watched ONS '07, I remembered his mega-push. EC3 referenced HIJACKING the show, ala Raw. Lashley looks the exact same as he did back in his day. Explosive spear from Lashley sent EC3 out of the match, but it wasn't a I guess he's back in TNA. Well, at least he's got a great theme and is still explosive. Magnus said stuff. Tenay hyped up Tigre Uno as ONE OF THE MOST EXTREME wrestlers in Mexico. His mask has silly little fangs on it. He's got a ton of tats on him. Chop to the chest to the guy with a full bodysuit...don't do that too much. Moonsault off the top with the cage next to him led to a nice flatfooted landing - very impressive. Triangle dropkick to Uno knocks the door open. Uno hit a head and arm tie cradle suplex to murder him, and hit the Phoenix splash for the win.

Storm came out with a more badass country song and a super-dark beard and long tights. Tenay insulted Storm for having a flag jacket while insulting the military. Gunner's shiny silver and white gear looks good. Storm did the door slam spot, sorta. Really it was just to the whole body and not just the head to START the match after a ton of brawling on the floor. I like the Not Sorry cross on Storm's gear. Storm tried to choke Gunner out. Gunner hit a uranage NEXT TO THE CHAIR. Why not onto it...I have no idea. Gunner went for a diving headbutt because...I guess he knew the other move would fail, and then Storm chucked the chair at his head. Superplex off the top through two chairs gets the win. Good finish, good match, and the right guy won. Storm winning doesn't work right now and him losing adds to his bitterness. These two definitely make better opponents than partners.

Gail and Madison did some nice stuff to start, and then they did this kneeling bow and arrow spot with knees to escape and they just looked so fake. Crazy super neckbreaker off the top from Gail only got 2. Madison knocked both Gail and Tapa off the cage and Madison hit a spear off the top rope to win. Given how terribly that spot has gone before, I'm glad it went perfectly there. Joe in a shirt came out to have a match with THE CHAMP, whose gear matches the belt perfectly. Joe and Magnus got double juice and Joe busted out a nice Saito suplex. Cross armbar by Joe, but Magnus gets a foot on the rope to escape. This is apparently okay in Joe's Rules matches. Muscle buster hits. Choke's on. Then Abyss's hand got through the mat and he blindly reached for Joe. Joe apparently killed him, and he got back into the match. Joe choked Magnus on the top Magnus can't even get an upper hand here.  Abyss and a bad goatee hit Joe's padded belly with Janice, hit the Black Hole Slam, and Magnus did Joe's choke to win. This was good-ish, and then got shitty. EY was thrown out by Leif Cassidy and Simon Diamond. OH THANK GOD DIXIE IS SPEAKING. It's to her mystery man. She's going to send Spud, in his blue and white checkered suit, theoretically in public to greet this man. WHAT A GREAT SURPRISE.

MVP started for the faces. Aries, no longer the X champ, who apparently doesn't care, came out to start for the heels. MVP looked so fat in a jersey. A really busty brunette was on camera and even Taz was taken aback by her. They did some stuff and had what you'd expect a by the numbers match between them to be. Robbie came down. They didn't do much outside of some minor double team stuff. Eddie came down to save MVP and took DJ Z out. MVP choked out Aries on the ropes. Guys did stuff. The teams all got together before the final entrant - WILLOW! They really should've done the whole "Hardy's banned" thing on Impact to make this Willow reveal a bit more...logical. Willow, with Hardy's armbands, tattoos, and face shockingly enough, dove off the top of the cage onto the heels and no one caught him. Great. Miss the cage dive from the recovering painkiller addict. Dixie's big New York secret was Bully Ray, which actually makes some sense. You'd figure "New York, WWE guy" - nope. Bully had his white, black and red jersey on. Crowd chanted for AJ. Ballin elbow got a polite response. Kind of like the meatloaf that was home-cooked, but not good, but effort went into it, so you have to be grateful. Taz did a fake cough for Willow's offense because he knows it's Jeff, but they can't say it. Hart Attack with the hockey stick got 2. Do these War Games things always have pins? Aries chucked a trash can at Willow's head. 450 ON THE TRASH CAN from Aries. Woah. WILLOW GOES TWIST OF FATE, and yells. Well, he'll be easy to make in FPR. Swanton City gets 2. Bully and MVP made eye contact and MVP won. So Bully, who fake turned face and turned heel, is back to being a face. I hope Bully is back to being as good as he was then, because ever since he re-turned heel, he's really suffered - especially with the doom-bringer character. Bully put Roode through a table with a powerbomb and that was that. Well, this wasn't as back as Lockdown '07, but it was depressing to watch a bunch of talented people work in a company that at one point could, but now not only can't, but doesn't care to, get any bigger and help any of them make more money.

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