Thursday, March 20, 2014

TNA Impact 3-20-14

After playing some Yaiba: Ninja Gaiden Z and Super Mario RPG, I'm in the mood for something...different. A shockingly epic video package for Joe started things off. They showed TNA know that WCW DX skit where they compared it to a dentist's office? This was worse - it was like the cracker factory Milhouse's dad worked at. Then Abyss and EY brawled. ODB is yelling a lot. Abyss choked him out with what looked like a giant paper towel tube. They brawled and brawled and brawled and brawled and brawled. EY hit him with a chain. DIDN'T THEY JUST DO THIS EXACT THING A MONTH AGO? More brawling to the ring. Nice baseball slide and suicide dive from EY. Abyss set the chair up in a sitting position, because that's what you'd do in a fight. Flapjack on it to EY. Crowd chanted Joseph, which made him stop for a sec. Black Hole Slam led to Abyss struggling to get up, and then choking him with a chain. ODB came down without security, but with one ref. EC3's out in red, white, and blue gear to face Lashley.

IT'S HIS IMPACT WRESTLING DEBUT, AND HIS RETURN TO TNA...okay then. Nice leapfrog from Lashley. Wow, it's been SEVEN YEARS since Lashley's mega-push in WWE. Tenay is talking about him being both an amateur AND pro champ...yup. The crowd is shockingly hot for Lashley. Nice mule kick low blow from EC3. Willow came down and attacked EC3 to cause Lashley to lose. He did a slow-mo attack to the knee...didn't do the splash...whatever. Bully's at the HQ "earlier today". Joe banged on the wall to let MVP know he was there. They've got a basic framed PPV poster as the set for his office. MVP said EY was out, but he'd find someone to chain Abyss to...HOW ABOUT A WALL? Why risk someone else's health? Angelina's cleavage talked to the camera about Velvet.

Taz talked about Mr. Anderson doing a LIVE Q AND A! EC3 yelled at Magnus about not helping him. They argued and Magnus echoed badly and was a total dick to Ethan and insulted Dixie too. Looking forward to EC3 ending Magnus's reign with Dixie coming back as a face. Gunner and his generic theme came down, his dad was in the crowd. Gunner thanked his dad, who cried. His dad is awesome. Gunner swore to his dad and deceased grandmother that he'd be champ. Then they hugged - this was great. Storm came down looking a bit like Satan with his hairstyle, sideburns, and red and black shirt. Storm said that Gunner's dad is looking down from heaven...and he's glad he's dead because he didn't have to live and see his kid and grandson be such disappointments. Nice brawl here. Superkick takes out Gunner. Now he's cuffing him to the ropes in front of his dad. Oh this is gonna be good. He dragged his dad out of the crowd, then grabbed his beer bottle and smashed him with it while he tried to free is son. I LOVE THIS FEUD. Gail cut a promo about being the benchmark for women's wrestling since the KO division began, and Gail said that if she beats Tapa, Tapa's done. Good - she's not ready for TV.

Nice ShopTNA ad. The BroMans came in being goofy. The DJ Z shirt rules. He speaks both Lucha Libre AND Strong Style. I love this act. Tapa-Gail is up. They had a really good David vs. Goliath match here. Dragon sleeper by Gail led to a nice hair whip. Gail's laying in some kicks to the leg and then hits Eat Defeat for the win...and that's it for Tapa. A very unflattering view of Angelina showed her walking backstage for her bit next.

MVP talked with Willow, who was annoying. I want MVP to be fired just for engaging in a conversation with Willow. I hate this gimmick.  Angelina and her kid-sized skinny jeans came down. If Angelina's 100 pounds, I'm winning the lottery later. Oh thank God, more talking between these two. Velvet thanked Angelina for being her bestie when they started in TNA, and then said that she felt like she was beneath her. Angelina pointed out that VELVET SUCCEEDED A LOT WHEN ANGELINA WAS GONE, but one is a lonely number. Velvet said Angelina's like a big sister to her, so now they're buds. YAY BPS ARE BACK. Angelina called out Madison. Yup...Madison certainly was a member of the group...on par with Lacey Von Erich and Cute Kip. Madison's kid might weigh more than Angelina. Angelina got cocky, with "ya know you, Madison". Madison said that she's not the lost little girl now. She's not going to be on the floor while they've got thrones, and while she loves Velvet, she doesn't like Angelina and is outie. Magnus talked to a camera guy in the boiler room, or basement, or somewhere. Joe saw him there and talked smack. Al and his hipster glasses broke this up by talking. DJ Z hyped up the Bro Mans being used to international three-ways, with a giant wink. They showed Sanada and Uno beating the champs last week, thus establishing the logical reason behind this since the Wolves were champs too. Robbie talked to TIGER ONE AND HYUNDAI SANADA about needing to get to the club el quicko. Bro Mans tried to leave, but the Wolves attacked them. Faces took change before the break.

Great spot where the Wolves chopped and kicked the hell out of Sanada on the ropes. Loved Tenay's outrage saying "I'm just trying to get an idea FOR WHO YOU MIGHT THINK WILL BE CHAINED TO ABYSS LATER!"  because that's of course a normal conversation point. Uno did some cool flippy rana shit,t hen the Wolves hit the powerbomb backstabber for 2. Bro Down Hart Attack to Uno gets the win. Really fun match overall. Velvet and Angelina talked, and Angelina's upset cuz the things that sucked the most was there was like so much truth to it, but she's like not that person anymore. Sweet Christ does Angelina look scary, and it's worse with all the makeup.

An Adam and Eve ad aired. Well, after that acting, it's fitting. Kenny's the king of the night still. They zoomed in on Angelina's non-ass and she apologized to Madison. And then she attacked her. So I guess in like a year, Velvet will have watched the show and noticed this. MVP volunteered for the chain gang with Abyss. A video package aired on Knux, he's a simple man whose family runs a carnival. he got a call from a girl who he hasn't heard from, so it must be serious. This was shockingly good stuff - looking forward to seeing where this goes. TNA HQ vid is next.

They came back and rushed through Bully saying no one likes Dixie. Wacky dramatic music played. Bully said he was tired of talking to the back of a chair, so Roode jumped him and attacked him. "YOU SCREWED THE WRONG MAN!", which added to the comedy. This was hilarious. Main event is up. MVP and Joe came out, and then they recapped the Gunner-Storm bit. STORM-GUNNER II - UNLOCKED is next week. Joe got the upperhand with some strikes in the corner and the big kick. JOE'S OFFENSE IS SO MUCH LIKE MMA, AND HEY BELLATOR'S ON TOMORROW! Ref bump off a jack breaker counter to the choke. Then Abyss attacked MVP and grabbed the tacks. MVP fought back and unlocked himself to toss the tacks to the back. Suicide dive was countered with a chair...somewhere near Joe. Flying elbow gets the win.

Screens -

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