Monday, March 31, 2014

Raw 3-31-14

Brock's doc is playing before the pre-show. Good lord has he aged a lot in a decade. Alex Riley hypes up the GO-HOME SHOW! Barrett and Booker look about the same age. Crazy. Barrett announces a Piper's Pit. And Taker delivers his final message to BATISTA. God, it's amazing how unifying the titles took them DOWN to the level of the world title. Orton's saying words to Renee. Matadores on Superstars. Booker's OLE ruled. Riley's talking about how Brock has the edge going on being UFC Champ means nothing. King's talking to a family and the kids are hyped about Hogan and Cena. App vote involves picking which Shield guy Kane faces tonight. This Cena-Bray video is iTunes buys for "Legacy". A site interview with Cole and Hogan aired. Hogan's throat looks so old now. MAD-OX announced that a new entry is coming into the Andre battle royal - MAD-OX! They hyped up the WM press conference airing live on the WWE Network at 11 AM. Taker's starting Raw off, hopefully taking a beating. Rather than letting the entrance sink in, Cole yammered on about tweeting #thestreak. Taker talked about taking out 21 no. Taker then just rambled on about shit. He at least expressed the thought that the streak COULD be broken with some sadness in his face. Death, taxes, and the streak can't be beaten. Brock and Heyman came down and talked about how Taker NEEDS to win, leading to a big CM Punk chant. The F5 couldn't even take HHH out, why should anyone think it'll beat Taker? Heyman said Brock would be Taker and it's not a prediction, IT'S A SPOILER. This was annoying. Quite the tan on the dead man. Brock teased a beating. And then left. Then teased it again... Clearly Brock's been watching a lot of Larry Zybisko on the network. Thanks to the 50 year old manager, the former UFC and WWE World Champion was able to attack Taker with some basic stuff like punches and a clothesline and F5 him. JBL going for the crazy-hard sell here. It's absurd. HE HIT ONE MOVE, SO THAT MEANS THE STREAK'S OVER! Brock did his little hop outside and a fan yelled JIMMY JOHNS. This was a thing.

They hyped up a week of WM stuff on the Network. A fan held up a MENSCH! MENSCH! MENSCH! sign. Big E's out to face Alberto and maybe win to give 50/50 booking a whirl. Alberto did stuff with the arm on the post and steps to lead to an ad break. A Suits ep with "goddammit" aired. That sure is a good thing for the go-home WM show. Alberto countered the Ultimate splash with the knees to the gut. Superkick was countered into the toss up on the gut for 2. Backstabber got 2. Armbar countered into a backdrop and the splash for 2. Arm codebreaker led to the armbar and a tease of a Rampage powerbomb. He got it after the armbar was locked on only got 2. That Rampage powerbomb should really be a finish for him here since the crowd's not gonna get any hotter. Warrior's Way from Alberto. This has become the best singles match they've had yet. Grounded superkick got 3 again. HHH and Steph plan to say goodbye to the Yes movement. Wyatts are next.

Bray sang with the spider walk. Good promo, but the show's already dragging and it's not even an hour old. GOOD LORD NOW IT'S TIME FOR A TOTAL DIVAS RECAP. Summer faces Nattie, and Summer's in a crazy-hot red outfit. Quite the bald spot on Cole. Vickie said the title match is a one-fall match and everyone's in the ring at once. Vickie talked about "playing her role as GM". Great spot where Nattie took a seated Summer and bonked her face in the mat, then ran up her back and head before doing a seated dropkick! Summer got a fluke kick and a Steph and Hunter walked backstage. Steph looks stoned. They came down and Cole did a crazy hard-sell for the Network. HHH buried the current generation for being slackers. HHH buried Fandango and Fandangoing. Steph saying "yes yes yes yes!" was hot. HHH talked about the thought that he was successful due to him marrying well. A big boring chant broke out. They ran a video burying the idea of being a face, catchphrases, signature poses, and big moves. Nice of them to bury...ever trope that can get an act over. Steph then narrated a highlight reel of her husband kicking ass. This is a great video, even if it's absurd to bury so many things in it. "They were just players in the game, AND I AM THE GAME NOW MORE THAN EVER!" Batista in a Hoyas jersey, a blue shirt under it, jeans, work boots, and a grey golf hat came down. Batista hit "random" in the CAW mode and figured out how getup. Batista was upset that he wasn't in the video - BECAUSE HHH NEVER BEAT HIM! They're doing a great job hyping up HHH-Batista at ER. Oh yeah, it's the guy with belts. He came down. HHH told Orton to man up and be the Viper again, because even he can't beat him. And Orton-Batista is no DQ. App hype alongside Piper's Pit.

They came back and hyped up the 2-hour pre-show, with the second hour being exclusive to the Network. They made an 8-man tag with the heels vs. faces of the tag title match. A We Want Paige sign was shown. King said the Matadores fight bulls, while JBL's a bullshooter. Crowd was largely dead for this nothing match, except for We the People. CHUCK LIDDELL IS BEATING UP A RHINO! This Duralast ad is amazing. This just kept going on and on. Cole buried JR and JBL for sports references. Swagger hit a really shitty running big boot to an Uso. FLYING CROSSBODY INTO AN ANKLE LOCK! A...non-tap tap happened... Matadores did the switch and got a cradle for a win. OH MY GOD, NEW WARRIOR INTERVIEW FOOTAGE ON THE BLU-RAY! And they kept in him burying the original DVD.

Fandango was mid-ring with no reaction for a match. Fandango and Sandow face the Rhodes Bros. JBL buried Cole for not saving King's life when he died on Raw. Basic tag match led to Goldust winning with the Final Cut suplex>neckbreaker. Shield talks about SD next. Shield beatdown video aired. Great Shield promo saying that their fist bump is the new symbol of excellence. Bray came out for a match. GOOD GOD THE FILLER ON THIS SHOW. They announced Miz-Sheamus on ME. So...Main Event and SD can be safely skipped. Truth faces Bray. JBL called Truth A TOUGH YOUNG SUPERSTAR!? Basic Bray squash. Xavier came in and the Family took him out. They did the pose before a new Wyatt in a sheep mask appeared. Cena's reveal was perfect. He AA'd Rowan, but Bray escaped. App begging. Red carpet event for the HOF - can't wait to see Batista's outfit. I can't wait for a Chrisley Needs More Gay from Rantasmo.

NOW we get AJ-Naomi in a lumberjill match...which would've been a better WM match. Huge CM Punk chant. They did stuff. Tamina protected AJ, so they're buds now, and then Naomi won thanks to all the help. Cena says words next. Cena talked to Renee about it being a desperate time calling for a desperate measure. He said he'd be a monster for a day and secure his legacy for a lifetime. Panel said words. Brock-Taker beating recap. King badly recited stuff about the app vote, won by Roman. Just got the Brock-UFC Fight Pass ad - it's awesome. Cole blamed King for the Kane-Shield issues. Roman and Kane had a basic match until the Outlaws came out, the Superman punch hit, and then a brawl broke out. JBL hyped this as the Suits vs. the Shield.

Piper got...part of an intro sorta. Piper's packed on some weight again. Facially, he still looks pretty good. He also pointed out that he wasn't beat in the WM main event. He put over Andre and the battle royal. Miz of all human beings came down. Sheamus came down...oh lord. Time for a wacky buncha dudes just talking. At least now, Sheamus-Miz makes sense. Titus came down. HOLE UP - HOLD THE D! Then Dolph came down in an awesome Andre shirt. Piper did the Three Stooges eye poke, they all brawled AND REY CAME BACK! 619 to Sin Cara, then the Brogue kick took Cara out. Rey and Show run at around the same speed. Double chokeslam to Ryder and Dolph. Rey begged for Show to not kill him. Rey hit a cheap 619, then got tossed out onto the dudes. Piper yelled about the battle royal. This largely sucked.

Main event started with HHH coming down and Orton not attacking Batista for some reason. Oh goodie - FIVE PEOPLE commentating. JBL ratted Cole out to the Authority. HHH said the company was his, leading to Steph saying it was theirs. Can't wait for the Steph-HHH on-air power struggle angle. Batista has so many roses on his back. Steph said "that looked like it hurt!" ugh. Orton swore. Orton hit him with a kendo stick. Why is the injury-prone 45-year old Batista in a hardcore match 6 days before WM? "At one time, this was the main event of WM!" - and thank God it's not due to the boring chants. More swearing. Bryan saved this by jumping HHH. Spear to Orton. Flying knee to Batista. Dive to HHH, who flopped like a fish for it. A huge Yes chant closed the show. No finish to the main event.

The post-show featured Riley doing the Yes bit and Bryan showing up. Bryan cut his money promo on the network. 

Screens -

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