Monday, March 17, 2014

Raw 3-17-14

Tensai's on the panel with his wacky NXT name. Bryan-HHH recap. I think Miz is a face now since he's siding with Bryan. Tensai with glasses and a tiny headset and his GIGANTIC BEARD is weird. Nattie beat someone on Superstars. She beat Alicia. THE VICTORY FEELS AMAZING, AND IT'S ALSO TIME TO TALK ABOUT TOTAL DIVAS! Nattie then recited bad lines and catchphrases. They showed Bryan taking out both Batista and Orton with the knee on Raw. WM Rewind will focus on WM XX and of course...Cena-Show. Cena and Hogan recap. Tensai recited Bray's promo in a wacky way. Riley and Miz argued about Miz being destroyed at WM, and Miz pointed out that he won. 3MB's in a match on Superstars. Sandow apologized for not wrestling on Raw, and said he'd be in the Andre battle royal. And according to Brad, he'll get to be killed on Raw. Real Americans face the Usos tonight. The RA-Rhodes match from SD was recapped. Swagger and a new Real Americans shirt talked with Renee in a cute outfit. Cesaro told Dutch to solve this, calling him Dutch. Brock-Taker recap. JBL did his little dance coming down. Tensai talked about being taken out Brock and trying to end the streak. King's back in his Xzavier shirt. This was a nothing pre-show.

Occupy Raw recap opens Raw, leading to an HHH promo. HHH said the fans would be the cause of the Yes Movement's end, and the end of Daniel Bryan. He said he'd talk to him later, leading to BIG DAVE in grey skinny jeans, shades, a No Paparazzi shirt. Batista looks even skinnier in a skinny hipster shirt. A fan held up a Punk sign while Batista talked about not being cool with the triple threat. Then the parade of promos continued with Orton. "I'M SORRY, H!". Orton is winning me over with the first line. Orton demanded a no DQ match with Bryan tonight. I like the idea of Bryan-Orton in a no DQ match more than the triple threat match. Orton said that when Batista left, no one cared, and when he came back, they cared even less. Then Batista buried Orton for being a shitty champion. Batista now looks leaner than Orton. HHH is sick of them, he's sick of HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STARS thinking they know more than him, and he's sick of technically-gifted guys who can't win a match without him holding their hand. He's doing a great job burying everyone, and said that the HHH-Bryan was now completely for a shot at the title - so he can win it too. RKO to Batista turned his shirt into a belly shirt. Usos-Real Americans is next.

A weird Cole/King K-Mart ad aired. They recapped the HHH-Orton-Batista deal. Batista yelled at Renee that coming back to WWE was a big mistake. Oh, and the Real Americans-Usos match is up. A bit We the People chant started the match off. The Usos used Jeff Hardy's double legdrop to the gut - so now they're using Hardys and Dudley stuff. WISPHER IN THE WIND. Oh yeah, forgot about that being used before. Big boot gives Swag the edge for a break. They came back with a sleeper from Cesaro. Cole put over WWE winning the Cable FAX award for BEST SMARTPHONE APP, and they won another one for #riseabovecancer. Uso chops away and then Cesaro uppercuts his face off. Swagger caught the leg and ate an enzuiguri. Assalanche to Cesaro gets 2. Cesaro kicks out of the double Samoan drop at 2. One Uso hit a dive, the other ate an uppercut and the Neutralizer for the win! I liked this - they actually had the Americans as a united front here and it helped the match. King's shirt has green in it. HAVE YOU HAD A CHANCE TO SEE WWE SLAM CITY!? Sure haven't. Wow does this look bad.

They thanked everyone for joining the WWE Network and recapped the Kane-Shield stuff from SD. Mr. Kane talked to the Shield. They're united...but maybe not for him. HORNSWOGGLE HAS LONG HAIR NOW! YAY BAD NEWS BARRETT! Barrett buried St. Patrick's Day for leading to drunken activities that everyone would regret for the rest of their lives. Sheamus is out to face...Christian? No. BNB? Nope - TITUS O NEIL, in a St. Patty's day brawl or something for some reason. Titus is out with a Sheamus beard and a giant green hat. Slam City is trending - guaranteed WWE paid for that. JBL buried Cole for beating King since that means nothing, and Christian said only he would beat himself. Christian buried JBL for burying him, and said that King was David Spade in a fatsuit and that he was an overachiever. Christian said Hornswoggle outweighed both guys in the match. JBL said the clubbering would cave Christian's chest, and Christian said it would get caught in JBL's flab. Sheamus won with the kick and then got attacked by Christian...this was a thing.

ARNOLD RETURNS TO WWE on Raw. The Terminator is doing a Yes chant! Scooby and the Mystery Machine will also be on Raw. They're trying to get #cenaslegacy over. Cena talked about having 3,500 matches and being like an old married couple with the fans. He said he was afraid of Bray. I hope they do some new Cena gear for WM, because Neon Cena against Bray seems odd. Cena said he'd fight for every man, woman, and child who ever believed in him and fight for his legacy! This ruled. Bray cut a backstage promo IN CENA'S NEON GEAR! Bray buried him for having a plastic girlfriend and a castle. I demand a backstage bit with Bray and Jake. Bray doesn't care if he lives or dies at WM - he just wants the world to see John like he does. So yeah, this was all great. Orton-Bryan is next.

THIS IS RAW EPISODE NUMBER 1,086! Bryan hit the dive, then Orton hit him with a cane and said RING THE BELL...BUT THERE'S NO DOQ. THERE IS. NO BELL. TO RING! Table back suplex doesn't lead to a table breaking. Ouch. These WWE not LEGOs look awful. Orton did the wacky backbreaker on the floor...wouldn't that just hurt his knees more? Orton did some more mumbling before running Bryan's nuts into the post. Bryan SHAKES DEM ROPES to get some power. Bryan did the kick>cane combo. Big superplex from Orton. THE POSE before the DDT. Glorious! Cane shots and a running dropkick on the floor take Orton down for a bit. Chair to the gut and back from Orton. Batista hit a spear to Orton, then he got hit with the knee, and Bryan won. Batista bomb to Orton...who is sure not looking super-strong tonight. Crowd chanted "one more time" for that. They thanked everyone for joining the WWE Network, and they're keeping the free week thing alive until Saturday. They showed the Network sign up, and Mr. T going into the HOF...whoops. Heyman sez words next!

Paul talked to ladies, gentlemen, AND Texans. Greatness. Heyman talked about 'Taker's recent WM wins being against guys that 'Taker could barely beat - BUT BROCK LESNAR DEMOLISHED! I love the use of history to hype up Brock-Taker. Absolutely no Punk in this, which seemed really weird. "At WrestleMania, the Undertaker and his streak will REST IN PEACE!". This was all great stuff minus the lack of Punk. They must really want him back if they didn't even want to show him looking weak to hype up Taker-Bryan. HHH and Steph yammered on. Fandango faces Goldust for some reason next.

GOLDUST AND CODY DANCED ON THE RAMP. This rules. They had a fantastic comedy match and mistook Saturday Night Fever for SNL, and then Cole said SNL wasn't from the '70s. Lord. Goldy-rana looked more like a powerbomb than a rana. Goldust got busted open somehow, then they fucked up a facebuster suplex, and then Goldust won with the suplex>neckbreaker thing. Mr. Kane walked backstage. TAKER WILL BE ON MAIN EVENT TOMORROW. Kane said that occupy Raw violated many safety codes, and he's conducted an investigation and BRYAN DID NOT DO THIS ALONE! Kane blamed King, just like JBL did, and implied a match with the Shield. King has gained quite a bit of weight. So everyone isn't coming out to save the guy who died on Raw...why? OH SHIT YES FACE TURN! They turned to Kane! They took him out with a spear and the triple powerbomb. Roman's not ready for a semi-main event face role right now - this is excellent! Sure, it might not lead to a great WM match, but keeping them together is better than splitting them right now.

Bellas are on commentary and the Funkadactyls are out for a match with AJ and Tamina. Naomi's got a pretty swank eye patch on. The Bellas hyped up being zombies on Psych, and King said he was one for real - he died and came back to life! It is truly amazing that he not only did that, but could wrestle afterwards. Naomi hits the VINTAGE RVD SPLIT-LEGGED MOONSAULT for the win. Cole was rendered speechless by Naomi's ass. AJ yelled at Tamina for causing her to lose in tag matches, and then Tamina shoved her down. They teased the new HOFer, THEY SHOWED MR. T EARLIER, and yet they're acting like it's a mystery.

Great little video package for him. The goal was to make him seem like a huge deal, and since he was a bit before my time, it worked. Andre battle royal recap. Sheamus is now in the match. Show out for an 8-man tag so huge that it wasn't talked about until now. And he'll be in the battle royal too. It's Henry, Show, Dolph, and E against Rybaxel, Alberto, and Sandow. Sandow is barely visible on the apron. They did some stuff before a break. Oh yeah, Dolph won against Alberto. More moves. This is kinda boring. Axel ran into the chop, then Ryback hit the Meathook. Everyone threw each other over the top, with Dolph taking a crazy bump. Chokeslam to Sandow took him out. They recapped Bryan-Orton, which was far better than this. Batista talked with Renee and said he wasn't going to quit - HE WAS GOING TO TAKE WHAT HE CAME BACK FOR - THE WWE TITLE. And Bray gets to squash someone next.

This Godzilla Snickers ad is bizarre. IT'S GODZILLA, ON A JETSKI! Cena faces Harper on SD, and Kofi's on jobber duty against Bray. A cool Cena vid set to Eminem's "Legacy" aired. Kofi did a flip for the crossbody check. A spinning reverse sidewalk slam into the knee looked cool from Bray. Then Sister Abigail hits for the win. HHH chatted and fans held light-up YES signs. HHH talked about how he and Bryan will do what they do best. Gotta love Hunter putting himself on Bryan's level and making this about workrate. It does tell me he's got his working boots on, which should lead to a fantastic match. Hunter then admitted he's put a ton on Bryan, so I guess he's turning face soon-ish. HHH talked about a guy taking his ball and going home, getting a big CM Punk chant. Then Steph came out to yammer. The cops arrested Bryan. These are some indy geek-looking motherfuckers. Now he gets to beat up a handcuffed guy...this is gonna rule. He said they weren't real cops and then he attacked him. This ruled. Bryan fought back with kicks and headbutts. Steph as a crazed cheerleader rules. He tried to drown Bryan in a little Rubbermaid of water. Steph doing the sarcastic YES bit is amazing. Steph slapping him and Bryan saying she hits like a girl rules. They took him out with a chairshot and then HHH took his shirt off. He is jacked. PEDIGREE! This was probably the longest overrun since Rock's return, but it was amazing stuff. In two weeks of shows, WWE has managed to pretty much save WM. AND THEN THEY DANGLED THE CUFF KEYS ABOVE BRYAN. Glorious.

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