Thursday, March 13, 2014

TNA Impact 3-13-14

A dedication graphic aired for Donovan Hill, who seems to be a TNA staffer's kid based on the wording. Team Roode blamed Roode, and he blamed Bully. A Bully Ray chant broke out and Spud was a great chickenshit here. Dixie was shown yelling goddammit a bunch in the video package recapping the Lethal Lockdown match. MVP came out in a swank dark blue jacket, slacks, and belt with a black shirt. Big MVP chant broke out - the crowd's hot tonight. MVP announced the MVP principle - motivate, validate, and participate. Magnus came out to talk, and MVP announced that Bully will talk later. I love Magnus throwing Dixie under the bus for fumbling the ball. Abyss came out in what can basically be described as a big spray-painted coat and a spray-painted Kane mask. I'm astonished Taz hasn't gone on about him stealing Taz's colors. Oh, and TNA just posted a photo of Angelina Love on Facebook, so she's the former KO champ returning tonight. MVP announced that Joe was still the number 1 contender because all Magnus did was pull a monster out of his ass to win. Joe gets hit with a nail-filled board, and he's on TV four days later. OF COURSE! MVP made Joe-Magnus for the title next week, DESPITE JOE JUST BEING HIT WITH A NAIL-FILLED BOARD. And now he's facing Abyss...boy MVP really doesn't care about the health of his roster. They came back from a break and Abyss hit some body shots, which makes a ton of sense. They hyped up the debut of Brittany. God, watching Joe now is like watching RVD in his last WWE run - he's just soooo slow compared to how he used to be. EY saves Joe from Janice, but Joe gets DQed for that. So, it's okay to bring a nail-filled board in a match, but a guy PREVENTING IT FROM BEING USED causes a DQ? JB, with a new haircut that makes him look much older, said stuff and Angelina's cleavage talked to him.

JB's still waiting on Bully, and then Willow cackled. Brittany cut a generic happy face promo in a video package. She's a second-generation wrestler, her dad is...someone, a promoter in the midwest, and she...wants to a wrestle... Gail was her opponent and ruled. Gail being the uber-bitch queen with or without the title is a fine role for her. Sanada and Uno face the BroMans tonight. Brittany won with an O'Connor role into Tapa. So interference in this match isn't a DQ, but it was in the opener. The Tapa-Kim powers exploded! The heel group of Spud, EC3, and the Bro-Mans destroyed Bully. They muted son of a bitch here, but goddamn was fine earlier. Roode beat him up with... a white board. What they're doing isn't really good, but the show feels a bit fresher with the new/returning talent, so that's a positive.

DJ ZEVO came out. THE BRO-MANS ARE THE LUCKY CHARMS OF TNA CUZ EVERYONE'S TRYIN TO STEAL THEIR GOLD! They showed a Muto promo to Sanada telling him to prove himself and the country proud. THIS RULED. Muto's Wrestle-1 shirt ruled. Team Lucharesu did flip dives. So yeah, these guys rule as a mid-card tandem. Lucharesu for the win! Moonsault wins for Sanada. I can see him catching some fire in TNA. Bully was shown picking up his chain and being mad. Okay then.

Velvet showed her ass off to Madison, who asked her about Angelina being back. And then it was to the other back for the Bro Mans being attacked by Bully. And for some reason, he needed to give Ion a wedgie and show his ass to the camera. Then Shaw talked to "Christy", stalked a camera guy goofily, and then Willow was...somewhere with a camera and song playing, and then EC3 and Spud had a meeting. This shit might've taken one minute total. Russo's either back, or everyone in TNA is off their ADHD meds. I'm guessing that "Christy" is just the mannequin from his apartment, or she'll turn heel, or both.

Joe yelled at EY because he cost him a match by DQ by SAVING HIS LIFE. And he's going to change into Abyss or be chained to him or something. EY made Joe-Magnus for the title...which was already announced, and then Spud came out with EC3. The crowd remembered the lapdog chant. I think the photo of Dixie is actually taller than Spud. "The more you chant boring, the more you make Spud cry!" EC3 rules. A wacky Dixie history video aired. MVP put an end to this foolishness. MVP commended Spud for being loyal to Dixie, and he needs people like him on the roster. Spud said he's smaller than the knockouts. So of course you find a perfect non-wrestling role for a guy, and then throw him back into the role he's least-suited for. MVP made Spud-Willow for tonight,  and EC3-Lashley for next week. On the upside, they're making matches. On the downside, they're making these matches. Spud manned up to Lashley...I now want to see this match. And then the photo wouldn't break over his head. Spud then stroked the photo...this sucked. JB talked to EC3 and EC3 said he'd tear Lashley's knee to shreds. Then Bully attacked him. YET ANOTHER VIOLENT SANDWICH BOARD ATTACK. Shaw-Anderson is a street fight, and is next. Shaw brought his mannequin out. Shaw wisely attacks Anderson during his pre-match bullshit. Shaw as a generic doofus with giant tats didn't do a thing for me. Creepy Shaw works, but to this's overkill. They did stuff and it didn't matter until Anderson started threatening the mannequin. Mic Check won. Shaw's selling of the move ruled. I eagerly await the OSW Review of this show someday. Angelina's face, in HD with the makeup gun set to whore, said words about being back for one special person.

They hyped up a pre-show party during the world tour. Then Willow walked backstage with his umbrella. Angelina came back. She's back for Winter, right? Jesus she's still way too thin. She then cut a boring promo about missing the fans. She talked about sisterhood and wanted Velvet to come out. Well, they did bring back the BPs name for Madison and Velvet, and took Angelina out of all of the videos - so this could have been all planned out then. Velvet came out to shake her ass for her "sister". I'm not sure who looks more ridiculous - Angelina, or the guy in a rainbow-colored mohawk wig. Angelina thanked Velvet for putting an end to "Angel Williams" and making Angelina Love work, and making a union that worked. She wanted to bring the BPs back, and a small yes chant broke out. The fucking. State of. The acting. Could these two shut up and start shooting a lesbian porno or something? Velvet's ass and Angelina's tits are on-screen at once and this is boring. Velvet then...left and we saw Bully Ray walking. Willow walked around with his umbrella some more. Oh yeah, he's facing EC3 tonight. Or Spud. Or someone.

Spud was in the ring to face Willow. He spun his umbrella, which looked cool, and they did a wacky video effect on the screen for his intro. Willow's velvet pants are something else. He's in a Hardy shirt and sadly not his Warlord shoulder pads. He kicked him, a lot, and smacked him with the umbrella in the balls for a DQ. He Pillmanized the leg with a chair. Cackled. Splashed him off the top of a ladder. They sold this as him destroying Spud's knee. So the splash damaged the Bully's out for the real main event - MORE TALKING!

Bully said that before you die, you see your life flash before your eyes. Bully had that happen for his career when  Ken hit the mic check on him into the casket. He was going to cut a scathing promo, but THE GOONS MADE IT PHYSICAL. "The last thing the wrestling world needs is another Dixie Carter!". Bully was so angry he had to do his Dusty act to take out Roode. Roode hit the spinebuster after Bully got the table. BTW, Magnus is still the world champ. I know it's easy to forget with Roode being the top heel right now. Bully counters the FU with an RKO. Powerbomb through the the feud's over right?

Screens -

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