Thursday, April 3, 2014

TNA Impact 4-3-14

It's a live show...with really no hype behind it at all. 4-way for the title and it seems like nothing. Despite that, the hype video is pretty good. TNA really feels like nothing has changed since...really the "winner winner turkey dinner" show, beyond MVP being on the show now. "CAN THE CHAMP DEFY THE ODDS!?" - well, he's a heel, so I should hope not. Roode and EC3 are out for the tag team tables match that got 2 seconds of a graphic last week. Tenay is SO INTRIGUED BY THIS TAG TEAM of Bully and Willow w/ umbrella. WASSUP spot could lead to a "punk-ture" wound. Nice flying AJ/Misawa forearm shot by EC3. Faces save each other from going through the table. The Saved by the Bell intro just threw up on Spud's suit. Spud was kidnapped by Willow. Roode tried to toss Bully off the top through the table, but he did a flip a bit too late, or something. He damn near hit the table with his head. Bully as a big wacky babyface works. Spinebuster gave the heels the win because...I guess Hardy eliminated himself or something. "Bobby Roode was on the cusp of being 10% owner of the company, BUT BULLY RAY TOOK THAT AWAY FROM HIM!" - THAT'S WHAT THIS WAS ABOUT!? Edge and Booker fighting over shampoo seems more important. Roode bomb through a table led to a splash off the top through the table. So they set up a singles table match with a tag one. Kenny King was led to the building by a guy in green in a green golf cart. King gave him like 2 bucks as a tip. Anderson-Shaw in a straight jacket match is next. WHY!?

They came back and Magnus talked. Then MVP talked about being a huge fan of we got more talking. He ran down the card and King...just left instead of asking him about the match he was promised. MVP's kind of a prick. Anderson did his intro. He's been doing this shit for NINE FUCKING YEARS, except for when he was a fake biker. Good lord. They did next to nothing and went to a break. They came back and Anderson did spots with the front of the jacket on. Low blow led to Shaw escaping Anderson. They're constantly bringing up Hemme being here, so I'm leaning towards her turning leadng to the finish. Shaw gets the choke on. Anderson tried to escape the jacket, but the choke was re-applied and Taz explained the Gi rule for a choke. Shaw took nine hours to lock the jacket up. Velvet. And Angelina. Did bad. Soap opera. Acting. Velvet brought up Madison being a mother.

EY said words, and now it's time for an X Title three-way with Sanada facing Uno. Oh, it's a best of 3 between Sanada and Uno for the why not? The King of the night took offense to this. BOY I'D SURE RATHER KEEP HEARING KENNY KING TALK INSTEAD OF SEEING A GREAT MATCH! Then MVP talked more...isn't MVP a fan of wrestling? "Have you lost your damn mind?"
"CRAZY!?" Great scripting here. MVP told him to come backstage, and King said no unless he's got 8 girls doing bootyclaps in headstands... Okay that ruled. King demanded a match with MVP. After nine hours of talking, we got an exhibition match. They came back and rang the bell, so this should at least get some time. Sanada got 2 for the rolling Terry Funk roll. Tiger suplex from Sanada won in like four minutes. Magnus walked through the...Kane's lair portion of the Impact Zone. And I think we're getting Corporate Abyss.

Brittany's cleavage chatted it up with Madison, who was rather bitchy. Madison pointed out that they're dressed the same, so she gave her the shot. THIS IS YOUR CHAMPION SPEAKING came out. Yup, it's Corporate Abyss, with a mask. Just like Mankind, Kane, and basically like Joseph Park. I hope #wwediditfirst trends. Magnus brought him out to talk strategy FOR THE MAIN EVENT TONIGHT. Shouldn't they and the chicks have done that before? Magnus said they're two peas in a very big pod. Magnus brought up Mitchell and EY. At least the roster gets paid to not bump around a bunch. That's one good thing about this being all talking. Magnus professed his love for Abyss. EY came down and they brawled. Joe and EY bickered.

An Adam and Eve ad aired. MVP was told that Jesse pulled his velosorips. The doc said he hurt his quad, so MVP told him to work. There was a tag title match tonight? How did they earn it? Why was this not brought up before right now? MORE WITH KNUX! Now with a recap. If #KnuxReturns trends, I'll be amazed. He met with his dad about him having responsibility, and him needing his son's help now due to THE FLOOD. BPs came out with a new screen intro. #holyfuckballs. Their new furry gear is great. New theme sucks. Looking at the BPs reminds me of Nattie's speech to Summer. Knockouts should be role models, INSTEAD THEY'RE DRESSED LIKE STRIPPERS! Only Velvet's gear at least has Super Mario starmen on it. Taz compared the BPs' gear to that of the Berserker, ONLY HE DIDN'T HAVE LEGS LIKE THEM. Velvet did a suggestive cover with her ass in the air, so of course they shot it from the side. BPs win with a low/mid combo round kick. What a shitty finisher.

MVP IS IN THE X DIVISION NOW?! Either that, or Christy can't say "exhibition". The "king of the night" still has jobber gear, but at least has better looking intro gear. Nice trip into a slick STF from MVP. They went through the motions of having a boring early '80s AWA jobber match. Then they just brawled a bit and King cheapshotted him. This sucked. Magnus chatted with EC3 and begged him to help out tonight, while EC3 said Magnus wasn't there for him. Magnus defended himself by saying he had to take a shit, and EC3 said that he's just afraid of Abyss. EC3 said he wasn't sure if he'd be there for him, but it'll be a monitor sellout. King talked, and was jumped...from the front by MVP. What a terrible owner.

They did nothing for a few minutes except for an EY dive. Nice leapfrog from Magnus led to a VINTAGE HHH high knee. EY hit a missile dropkick on both heels. Running Misawa elbows from Joe take out the heels. Joe got three powerslams, BUT THEN the trick ribs got into play. Joe got the choke, Magnus low blowed him and fed him to Abyss for a Black Hole Slam. EY was a house of fire on Abyss, but ate a Black Hole lam after EY bit his way out of a chokeslam. Magnus begged him to not cover, so he didn't. Magnus hit the flying elbow to win. This sucked. And then a  #WRATHOFDIXIE! graphic aired. Fucking hell.

Screens -

Screens - 

No comments:

Post a Comment