Monday, April 28, 2014

Raw 4-28-14

Santino is sadly on the pre and post-show. If he's in character, it'll be terrible A-Ry starts off quoting Nelly! The WM Blu-Ray hits 5/13 according to the tron. He's in-character. Shit. Recap of the Steph-Bryan-Kane deal. Bray-Cena recap...Evolution-Shield recap. Now we're getting an IC Title recap. There's no analysis going on - everyone gets about a sentence. Thank God, it's BAD NEWS BARRETT. And he's got some GOOD NEWS - he's going to be a 4-time IC Champion. Oh lord, now Emma's here and he says she's his girlfriend - A FRIEND WHO IS A GIRL. Cena-Wyatt gets the opening recap video for the go-home show. A cage was mid-ring for Cena to run into and cut a promo. Cena has his serious face on. Cena asked why. WHY WAS HE PUT IN A 3-ON-ONE HANDICAP MATCH. Crowd answered "you suck". Tremendous. Cena has the acting skills of Calculon here. Cena talked about being DRAFTED TO RAW nearly ten years ago. And he got the biggest ovation ever! Now, NOW THEY BOO. WHY!? He quoted the Dark Knight, and then a choir sang "the whole world in his hands" song. Although they only miced one girl, so it sounded like Bray transformed into a black girl. I love the visual of them following Bray down the aisle and surrounding the cage. Bray should've done the kid thing at the PPV so John couldn't escape. HOLY SHEEP MASKS! THEY ALL HAVE SHEEP MASKS. Next thing you know, they'll be doing the drugs! John is distraught. This was both awesome and hilarious - very memorable bit. I love that the entirety of the first 20 minutes was devoted to just this feud. Cole said THIS IS NOW ALMOST AN EPIDEMIC! They were going for a dark message here, but Cena isn't the guy to convey it. Same thing with WM, and that wasn't so much dark as it was...somewhat complex and requiring subtle acting.

Tag title match got the big (guy) match intro. Double dive set up an injury angle for Jey. Great front-facing knee to Jimmy from Axel. Great counter of a double superplex leading to him throwing Axel onto Ryback's gut. Jey got in and took a deadlift Saito suplex from Axel and a Ryback spinebuster for 2. Ryback pulled the straps down. THE STATE of the roid belly on Ryback. Wow. Axel got a perfect plex, but a blind tag allowed the other Uso to dive and win. Great finish. They talked about Dish and DirecTV not airing the PPV, but don't worry - JUST GET THE NETWORK! A Kenny Powers ad for MLB 14 The Show aired. Oh wow that ruled.

Adam Rose debuts on Raw next week. Heyman said he takes his clients to the top...right after Rybaxel lost. The Steph-filled Kane-Bryan recap aired again. WAY TOO MUCH STEPH in this. The camera panned to...Kane's mask in a glass case because Kane's apparently not there. I'm all for that - the feud peaked last week, just end the build there.Titus jumped Sheamus and whooped his ass for a while before getting boy is it ever great that they broke up the PTPs. Kofi did a Network ad explaining what it is...two months after it launched.

Dolph's out in his shirt and a black blazer. He's excited about hot babes in tiny bikinis and THE NEW X-MEN MOVIE! Then he and Hugh had awkward banter. SANDOW CAME OUT DRESSED AS MAGNETO! I love the crowd chanting KNOCK HIM OUT and Sandow demanding that they don't tell him what to do! Then things got...sillier as he tried to use THE POWER OF MAGNETISM, got hip tossed and Zig-Zagged. This was entertaining.

IT'S RAW EPISODE ONE THOUSAND NINETY TWO! WOOHOO! Enough with that bullshit. Heyman had a great joke to start off his promo. Knock knock - who's there? MIKE. MIKE-LIENT BROCK LESNAR ENDED THE STREAK. And Cesaro won the Andre the Giant battle royal! ROLLING KARELIN LIFTS! Shame they took stuff out like that in the WWE games. Crowd's dead for this. Heyman grabbed the stache and Cesaro won with a deadlift German suplex right out of FPR. Boy is his moveset perfect for that game.

Recap of the Bray singing bit led to Renee asking John his reaction TO WHAT WE JUST SAW OUT THERE. An hour ago. An ad for Rush aired - I thought it was for Royal Pains. OH NO, IT'S THE PAN OF KANE'S MASK AGAIN! And I think King repeated his exact same line from before with that. Alberto's facing Cody for some reason. Crowd is dead for this too, shockingly. They were hot for Cena, should've cared about Cesaro, but nope. These guys have no chance. Goldust has his WM gear on. JBL talked about getting his haircut and toes done. They did every signature move they have in a few minutes, and Cody eventually tapped to the armbar - so he's turning heel on Goldust. Cody left looking all pissy.

Heyman and Cesaro spoke. YAY LANA! Lana demanded a Rusev crushing AND IT HAPPENED. Then Truth attacked. The faces got the edge here slightly, so it was smart booking to make you think they had a prayer. Cena met with Make a Wish kids. This video was hard to get through after hearing about the MAW kid that passed away. Rob talked with Renee and didn't say the word dude once. Zeb offered a spot in the Real Americans to RVD, but he declined.

Matadores are facing 3MB. On the PPV pre-show, it'll be Hornswoggle facing Torito in a WEELC match. JBL said he said Hornswoggle eating mushrooms to grow like Mario. Slater won! Loved Cole saying this was his first win since the first Obama administration. Hornswoggle fell like the Hindenberg onto the floor and then the bull dove on the geeks. JBL referenced Fantasy Island. Steph came out, then Brie and Bryan came out with her wearing a YES hoodie. Bryan looks like just a dude in jeans and a shirt without the belts. I like the neck brace. They seem to be teasing a Bryan/Brie vs. HHH/Steph match in the future. Steph talked about sleeping next to a hospital bed for I thinks he's almost a face here. Steph being remotely likeable is not how this should be going. Bryan's promo really didn't have much of a point beyond HIS WIFE and Steph being full of crap. Steph made Brie-Paige for the title tonight. Or next... Brie has dragons on her gear. Pan of the mask OH NOES THE MASK IS GONE!

Paige got a jobber intro.Not sure how wise it is to put Paige and her...whatever her character is, against a pure face in Brie here. Kane came through a hole to try and drag Brie to hell. Bryan saved. BUT SHE WAS FROZEN WITH FEAR! So yeah, this is substantially less awesome than last week's deal. Bryan attacked with a wrench. Kane got up and chokeslammed Bryan. Brie once again refused TO MOVE. HE'S TAKING HER TO HELL! Why would WWE book Raw directly over Hell?

Bryan said no a bunch to the doctor and Steph ac-ted again. Brie called her a bitch and Steph just left. I think Cole said Kane-Bryan would be an Extreme Rules match. Recap of the Bray-Cena deal, which has really been the A angle all night with Bryan-Kane being a B and Shield-Evolution being maybe a C. Cena apologized to Renee about not doing an interview and then Cena apologized to the fans for thinking he turned on them...for some reason.  Did we miss a whole show? Why is Cena wacky and happy again? AND TALKING ABOUT GETTING BRAY A DONKEY!? He said Bray wouldn't have the world in his hand - ON SUNDAY, HE'D HAVE A FIST IN HIS FACE AND A FOOT IN THE ASS! The final line was okay. Not worth all the other shit though. Barrett came out on his podium and buried RVD for being old. He said he was in diapers when RVD was IC champ the last time. BARRETT WORE DIAPERS IN HIS '20S!? Then he did the RVD bit with B-N-B. That was great.

AARVD came out. I like RVD's anime-inspired singlet here. I see Barrett as becoming the face they're planning Cesaro to be. The fans are far more behind him now than they are with Cesaro as a tweener. Loved him lifting RVD up from a buckle leapfrog and then just kicking him right in the ribs. Ouch! King told a bad joke about BNB delivering bad news on the Network. Yup - he could say that King signed a new deal for commentary. Cesaro and Swagger bullshit allowed Barrett to get the elbow and win. Cesaro destroyed RVD after the match. Swagger got a deadlift doctor I guess it'll be a 3-way. Five star to did Cesaro's stock not soar with tonight's show. I completely forgot about Reigns-Orton, which led to them recapping the SD beating of dudes.

Shield cut a promo about being the present and the future, and Ambrose faces Rybaxel and Alberto in a 3-on-1 US Title match on SD. Big Dave looks like Bass from DOA with this beard. Orton coming out to the Evolution theme seems weird. Flair came out. WWE's makeup team did a bangup job on Ric. Flair endorsed the Shield. Whoever keeps wooing needs to immediately stop. I thought it was King, but he's talking, so it must be JBL. They did some stuff and then everyone brawled. HHH did a spinebuster on the floor, which can't be good for his knees. Seth saved with a flying knee and then Reigns speared HHH. HHH was saved from the triple powerbomb by his cronies. This wasn't all that great.

Screens -

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