Monday, April 21, 2014

WWE Raw 4-21-14

A fantastic Roberts-Hogan Snake Pit is in the vault before the pre-show. Roberts with the Andre WWF belt is an odd visual, but that belt is a stunner. Dolph's on the pre-show, and Booker's analyzing crab cakes. Dolph's skinnier than Josh now. Booker and Dolph are just laughing their asses off here. Guarantee they got lit before this. HHH-Shield recap and OH GOD THE PHOTOSHOP SHIT. Big E got Blood E. against Sandow. Still won though. Big E changed the lyrics of the Full House theme for his promo. Steph's promo on Kane was shown. Sheamus cut a terrible promo about the IC Title and being mentioned in the same breathe as Patterson and THE LATE GREAT ULTIMATE WARRIOR. Booker sadly said that Bryan couldn't be happier...yikes.

A Shield-HHH video started the show. Bryan came out looking like he spent the day crying. Brie was in the ring, and they talked about those two being a power couple. Cue Steph. Steph called the Briana/Bryan Danielson wedding crunchy...what? Kane came out and attacked Bryan, Steph yelled at Brie to I guess she's a face. Tombstone on the floor from Kane...well, I think this might've been better than the match will be. Tombstone ON THE STEPS! They're at least doing a great job giving a reason for their match to be an extreme rules one. Gotta say, this worked at making me want to see Bryan-Kane, which I didn't think was possible - even with Steph saying shit throughout it. This is the right time and as right a way as you're going to get to write him out a bit longer.  KANE YOU STOP IT! I SAID STOP! Steph rules. Kane tombstoned him on the announce table. Can't wait for that to get a 2 at the PPV. Steph called him a bastard. The crowd chanted "you're a bastard" at Kane. This was 15 minutes of good stuff. To counter TNA's bearded champion beating the monster, WWE had their monster destroy the champion with three finishers. Can't wait for Abyss to Black Hole Slam EY three times on Impact.

They came back with Brie by his side as he was taken out on a stretcher. Cole called Kane THE MALIGNANT SPIRIT!? Steph was all sarcastic with the belts in her hands. Between looking hot and being great on the mic, this role is just perfect for her. BAD NEWS BARRETT AND HIS CAPE CAME OUT! This is by far Barrett's best gimmick since the Nexus. Sadly, he said "his news wasn't as bad as Bryan's". Barrett got a huge pop and even Sheamus got one too. Then they clubbered until a break! I'm loving this show so far. Wade's chest got beaten red with the chest clubbering. Wade kicked him in the face, climbed up top and got hit with the White Noise for a close 2 count. Crazy Cactus Jack-flip over crossbody from Sheamus. FLASH BULL HAMMER. BARRETT WINS! THIS RULED! 

Ryder, Jackman, and Dolph clips aired. Wow, it's been 2 1/2 years since Ryder meant jack shit. Tonight, IT'S ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT APP VOTES IN HISTORY! Bray cut a promo while his cronies were behind him lit by flashlights. When did they join the Midnight Society? Bray cut a fantastic street preacher promo and had the crowd singing with him by the end. A Torito-Hornswoggle recap led to a 6-man tag. Mascarita Dorada just pinned Drew McIntyre. Amazing. Drew was once pegged to be world champ and was married to Taryn Terrell. Boy has his life gone in a different direction. ORTON'S  PANTS STREAK IS OVER! HHH ENDED THE STREAK! Big Dapper Dave is amazing.

Evolution's new tron rules. HHH's voice is shot, and Orton's not very good at saying scripted stuff. EVOLUTION MURDERING FUCKERS was shown. Shield came down and Ambrose cut a great promo. Rollins followed up by not being quite as good, but getting better citing that Evolution is a group of selfish individuals, while the Shield is a united front. Evolution brought out all the mid-card heels to counter the Shield going up the ramp.

A NEW ADAM ROSE VID AIRED! Sadly, he's not debuting tonight...actually, that might not be bad. This show is full-bore building ER, and it's a more serious show so far. Putting him on this wouldn't give him a chance to really shine. They used a new graphic style for the WWE Network hype. They hyped up the HOF stuff and Cole talked about it BEING LIKE NETFLIX, BUT BETTER! Guarantee they get a legal letter for that slogan. Cole talked about the Uso wedding. Because it's not hard to enough to figure out which twin is which, they also have different stage and real names to keep track of. Rybaxel was out for Usos-Rhodes Bros. Fine little match here, won by the Usos. They teased a breakup for the Rhodes Bros. and Rybaxel destroyed the champs afterwards - this was fun! Mark Henry in Slam City was shown. World's Strongest Penguin FTW!

Layla's out to face Emma. Emma...actually got a reaction! Emma used a pink cobra to beat Layla. God this died a death. Poor Emma. "THAT LEGENDS HOUSE IS HYSTERICAL!" Cole with a minor oversell and some quotes there. Cessaro has a new air raid siren theme and a swank gold tron. Heyman got cut off mid-promo for an ad. They came back and Heyman kept bragging about the Streak then. King said that Heyman wasn't the best manager ever - BOBBY DAVIS was better. JBL, and I, have never heard of him - he was Buddy Rogers' manager. They did a shoulder ram spot because RVD...decided to just put his leg through the rope after avoiding one for some reason.RVD really can't do much right now. The idea of Cesaro facing an original Heyman guy, and former ECW and WWE World Champion is sound...the execution doesn't work in 2014. FACE WASH by Cesaro! A nasty butterfly powerbomb by Cesaro got 2.9. Cesaro set up the swing, but Swagger and Zeb came down. Cesaro was distracted, but still hit the uppercut to a soaring RVD. Heyman demanded he toss him in. Swagger chucked him into the post, and RVD wins by countout. Well, that was a shit finish - I don't mind the idea of Cesaro tearing through Swagger, but it should've been on TV. CESARO TEASED A SWING TO ZEB! Swagger saved him, but ate the swing anyway. Bryan-Kane recap.

RVD bragged about this shitty win, and Heyman said he should be ashamed of that win. Looking forward to Cesaro getting a clean win either on ME or SD. Aksana's out in a hot Halloween-colored getup. She's facing Paige, and they hyped up Paige-Tamina by saying TAMINA IS THE MOST DOMINANT DIVA EVER. HOW IS TAMINA DOMINANT!? She's won one match in a year. Aksana's gear is torn near the ass area. They said Aksana did a veteran move. Aksana is now a veteran!? Paige screamed (which Robinson sold), hit the short arm clotheslines and won with the scorpion cross lock. LAST WEEK, SD BECAME THE MOST-WATCHED FRIDAY SHOW FOR THE THIRD WEEK IN A ROW. Wow. Cesaro-Swagger is happening on SD. Okay, now RVD-Cesaro on TV this week would make sense - but Swagger-Cesaro, if Cesaro isn't going to just have a rematch with him on PPV, makes no sense.

Rusev killing black guys on TV got a highlight reel. LANA'S TRON AND THEME HIT! Rusev gets to massacre Truth and Woods on PPV. Good for Woods to get a PPV payday. This was Rusev's longest TV match and his best - Cara got a bit of offense and it wound up being a pretty decent match. Cena's out, so it's time for the main event. Cena's going to face the whole group. Wyatts came down and got a full clap for their intro. They did stuff. And stuff. More stuff. It's just going on and on. Cena and Bray have a brief exchange before the goons come in and brawl. King referenced Wyatt not being happy with the outcome, so I guess it was  DQ, but they never formally announced it. Sister Abigail to Cena and Bray just kept singing. Weird.

The post-show begins with the end of the singing and Wyatt saying no one can take them out. SHIELD-WYATTS ON THE POST-SHOW! Quick Shield ass-kicking and the Wyatts just leave.


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