Thursday, April 24, 2014

TNA Impact 4-24-14

The pre-show credits video hypes up Beer Money's return with some oddly-cut audio. The ad guy and Tenay were cut off mid-sentence. Angle gets a promo set to loud music about his match with Spud. EY and his receding hairline-caused fivehead got a hype video. This showed his title win and defense against Abyss, so they're at least going all the way with the video. Magnus came out and it hit me how sad I'll be when he wins the title at Sacrifice. It's a shame they're doing that PPV so soon because EY as champ until Slammiversary could be fun and would at least be kinda going all the way with him. Instead, he gets a credible-ish win, Magnus looks weak losing to him, and the only guy he can beat clean is EY. Magnus cut a promo on Abyss, to cement how little EY matters. EY, the world champ, is now officially a bit player in the world title storyline since it's all about Magnus's issues with Abyss. Magnus said that Abyss is SIX FOOT EIGHT, which is already ludicrous, but moreso when the camera angle is them face-to-face.

Maybe Magnus grew and is now six foot six. Magnus talked about breaking protocol in wrestling earlier by talking crap to Abyss to his face. I wish he'd break protocol by not talking for nine hours. Abyss was fired from MAGNUS ENTERPRISES. Okay, that was a cute line in the '80s, now it's just stupid. Abyss is using Miz's REALLY line now. A fan is yelling YOU'RE FIRED. You can hear each fan's smart-ass remark - just like Homer in Capital City. A fan called Magnus an asshole, and Abyss cut a promo on Magnus being a jackass. Well, this MONTH-LONG face turn sure didn't mean jack shit. This might be a record even for him. Magnus said that since Abyss wasn't on the roster, he'd have him arrested. SO LAST WEEK'S WORLD TITLE MATCH could've be won by a guy not on the roster. MVP, for seemingly the millionth time in three months, gave someone a second chance because he got one. A giant yes chant broke out. MVP made Abyss-Magnus for tonight. This went on for a thousand years and only took up 10 minutes. Beer Money face RAY GUNNER later. Spud and his silver bow-tie met with EC3 in a glorious maroon suit jacket and both a black and white dress shirt combo. EC3 gave him a pep talk about NEEDING TO BE A GAZELLE! And the match is up...right Impact really needs to be an hour long.

The pain/pain, agony/agony, sacrifice/sacrifice ad aired for...some PPV. There's actually a PPV on Sunday, and there's no real reason to care about it as of 9:20 on the go-home show. Angle had a giant WTF look on his face when he saw Spud, whose bowtie was sadly crooked! Kurt is red now. Spud hit a missile dropkick and was astonished at doing so! Angle did the world's safest run-up belly to belly, and then won with the ankle lock. EC3 and his douche getup attacked Angle. EC3-Angle, THE LOGICAL MATCH, was hyped up for the PPV...and it's of course now a tag match with Willow and Angle facing EC3 and Spud. Fucking hell. They had Angelina and her giant tits cut a promo on Madison. Velvet's got a makeup bag that matches they're gear and they'll give her a makeover. I think Angelina's chest is now 30% of her overall body weight.

MVP talked to someone about Aries while Kenny King lounged around his office. MVP asked Kenny King, IN HIS GEAR IN FRONT OF HIM, if he was suited up. "Kenny King is up next", only he's not. It's Madison. Madison faces Love on Sunday. Madison screeched about the BPs until they came down. Velvet brought back the bend on the apron, but they didn't do the ass shake on the ropes. Angelina of all people said Madison was looking tired in the face and one again brought up her daughter. You know, given that Madison was only in the BPs due to some visa issues, they've at least gotten years of use out of it. Brittany came to make the save but was hilariously held in place by Angelina. And then they put the paper bag gimmick on Madison. Anderson went on a road trip to Shaw's hometown or something.

40 minutes in and I'm struggling to care about anything. Luckily, I've got Child of Light to play during breaks. The BP beating was recapped. Gail talked backstage to Brittany and Madison about how the BPs are taking over HER DIVISION. She doesn't like these chicks, but she respects them. I dig her still being the best in her head as a face. Madison was a bitch to Brittany. Madison and Gail face the BPs. Kenny King came out to generic lounge music. Kenny faces Lashley. Oh yeah, he's still here. Boy, what a return for Lashley. Granted, there's not a whole heck of a lot you can get out of him right now, but he's still in shape, has a bit of a name, and seems like he should be above this kind of deal. Tenay brought up BOY HOW IMPRESSIVE BOBBY LASHLEY'S RESUME IS! He's done it all! Underachieved in MMA. Overachieved in WWE and somehow underachieved in TNA. Lashley is really lean right now. I'm surprised WWE didn't bring him back since he's still in crazy-good shape. He's still muscular and is really agile. I loved the ref getting in the way, Bobby moving him, then King going for an eye poke and LASHLEY ACTUALLY CATCHING THE FINGER! Lashley's a lot of fun to watch here. Aries-MVP is on Impact instead of the PPV for whatever reason. Really nice striking combo from Lashley here, with some jabs and hooks being mixed in with a running back club. Lashley caught the foot from a corner charge AND THEN CAUGHT HIM IN MID-AIR DURING A BLOCKBUSTER AND HIT A SUPLEX! This is by far Lashley's most entertaining match since 2007. King ran from Lashley, who won via countout. Lashley brought the goods here. Before the match, I wasn't high on him being back, but now...I still wish he was in WWE, but he's doing great right now.

Anderson went to the Shaws' house and met Sam's mother - a redhead dressed like a '50s sitcom mom named he's officially Norman Bates now. Storm and Roode exposited about all the shit they've done to each other. Storm says Roode at least respects him, while Gunner doesn't - and as a unit, they can beat the shit out of others, then get drunk and beat each other up the next night. Speaking of being wasted in TNA, both of these guys are. Roode especially - he'd be fantastic as a corporate Bossman-level guy in the Authority. MVP-Aries is up next. Christ, the show is only 50 minutes old. The pretentious HTC One ad about not using the web to find an accurate review of a product in 2014 aired. Given that I saw a DetroitBORG review praising it, I guess that doesn't matter.

Aries and a new very blue cape came down. His wacky apron pose with the cape ruled. Tenay and Taz talked about MVP being a wrestler and director of wrestling operations. This led to a great bit with Taz knocking business cards and saying no one has them in either 2014 or 2013 - whichever year it is. ABYSS FIGHTS FOR HIS WRESTLING LIFE TONIGHT. Oh, and Beer Money faces RAY GUNNER later. Diving seated elbow drive/drop thingy from Aries hit MVP. That's actually somewhat doable in No Mercy by seating a guy up and giving him the flying elbow smash. Corner clothesline combo from MVP is met with Aries biting his arm. I thought MVP was trying the head and arm choke. MVP hit a big shortarm clothesline for 2. Nice chuck into the ropes from Aries led to the rolling elbow and a brainbuster setup, but MVP countered it into a flip German suplex. Kneebreaker>backdrop combo from Aries! Corner dropkick from Aries gets 2. 450 missed and set up the drive by for the win. This was MVP's best match since debuting in TNA. Aries was covered in welts. Film footage of Sanada winning the X Title on the TNA/W1 PPV aired, which made both look major league. More Sanada workout footage and him having THE WEIGHT OF HIS NATION on him. Anderson talked to the camera about his mother being named Christy. She makes Samuel apple pie every day, which Anderson finds odd since he's in Florida now. Shaw also plays piano, and they're going for some bizarre mother-son relationship here. The fucking state of the acting here. It's a shame Claire Lynch burned her bridges with TNA. Could they just get to the reveal of her having a mannequin of Samuel, and then Shaw jumping Anderson already?

Beer Money came out to face RAY GUNNER! Gunner-Storm is now an I Quit match for some reason, while Roode and Ray is a tables match. I'm actually digging this tag match more than either singles match, although they had something with Gunner-Storm a few weeks ago. The duel crucifix thing really makes no sense - SORRY ABOUT YOUR DAMN LUCK was sarcastic, basically saying the same thing as NOT SORRY. And now I'm pondering the meaning of TNA tights slogans. Oh God. Roode and Bully are having some fine exchanges here - that match would be so much better on PPV without the table stip. A slingshot suplex PROVED WHY GUNNER IS MISTER INTENSITY! They did the WAZZUP bit with Gunner bonking his head in the buckle first and then doing the worst diving headbutt in ages. Bully did a slow motion Cactus elbow, but Roode moved off the table. Superkick to Gunner gets the win, so Storm loses again on PPV. Magnus cut a promo looking ghost-white. He must be near a lighting rig, because he looks terrible. HE'S GOING TO END ABYSS'S CAREER tonight and no fucks were given. Anderson said that Shaw still lives with his mother in the basement. So I guess the studio apartment thing has been retconned or something.

Shaw caught Anderson, they brawled around Shaw's CRT TV. The camera guy just went fuck it and left. Shaw came up bloody, and the camera guy turned down Christy's offer of pie to leave the psycho house. So...did the camera guy just leave Anderson to be killed by the insane people? Going through the screens showed that he's got SAM'S ROOM written in cardboard letters and...yeah the poor guy isn't drawing a dime with this. It went from being somewhat compelling to being totally cornball, and it's a killer. Granted, Board Shorts Shaw wasn't drawing a dime either, but this is actively hurting the guy now. BPs faced Gail and Madison, and Velvet started the match by smacking her ass. Velvet's got a furry vest to match her furry boots. Lots of upskirts in this between the BPs and Madison. I can't get over how bad Angelina's stomps are. I loved Velvet as a heel just giving no fucks about rules and breaking up Gail's headscissors. Madison hit a spear to Velvet, but Angelina won with a distraction schoolboy - just like a random mid-card WWE match. Knux is lusting after...some chick he may or may not be related to in storyline. Whatever it is. Whoever this brunette is name-wise, it's the girl of his dreams, and they're back together...yay? Abyss yelled about Magnus being a SON OF A GAAAAHHH and saying he hurt those he cared about most, AND HE KNOWS WHO HE IS, so now he's a total face again and will reunite with EY to logically close the show.

The Sacrifice PPV ad featuring MVP talking about him needing to fight sometimes furthers the idea that MVP-Aries should've been on PPV. Wolves cut an other wacky-filter video about GETTING A TAG TITLE SHOT IN A HANDICAP MATCH! PPV rundown recap. Angle and Willow teaming IS A DREAM TAG TEAM. Bobby's been invading Bully's world, but what will happen if BULLY INVADES BOBBY'S WORLD! EY is doing commentary looking even more homeless than last week. Abyss came out FROM PARTS UNKNOWN! Magnus bounced around for Abyss after they talked about WHAT A WORLD CHAMPION EY looked like. God no.

Poor EY. He got the title at the worst possible time, without any momentum. Him getting it in '06/'07 would've made more sense since he was both a lot more over and a far more prominent act. Fast forward seven/eight years, and he's been a comedy act for 99% of that time outside of when he was a SERIOUS HEEL and couldn't be taken seriously because he was ripping off Jericho's promos and was a comedy act for so long. Now he's got a thing called a world title so he can get an extra $100 on indy dates and autograph shows, and won't have the title long enough for it to even mean anything.

I would say that EY should buzz his hair like he did during the World Elite/Band stuff, but with the beard, he'd just look like an in-shape Knux. Then, they could do wacky carnival skits together! Crowd chanted "overrated" and "you are awful" at TNA's top homegrown heel. Magnus hits Abyss in the balls, SO ABYSS GETS HIS CAREER BACK VIA DQ. Abyss doesn't just win world titles by DQ, he also regains his career thanks to them. Magnus attacked EY with a chair, setting up a DREADED CHAIRS MATCH perfectly. Magnus just demolished everyone with chairs to close the show and...that's it. Really. No hook or anything. The big deal next week "what's the fallout from Sacrifice!?" Who cares?

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