Thursday, April 17, 2014

TNA Impact 4-17-14

TNA should make "TNA Originals House" to cash in on Legends House. Well, "house" is a bit much. It's really just an apartment inside and they use establishing shots of a much better dwelling for the show. It'll be sponsored by Wonder Bread since that's all the roster can afford, and by getting it to the guys for free, morale should increase ten-fold to just be clinically-depressed. Season two will be sponsored by Prozac. Anyway, an EY recap starts off the show with a promo video. "For 17 years, I've thought about this day. And it's more perfect than I thought!" And then he came out to his comedy tron. EY came out in jeans, a grey shirt, and basic hoodie - looking like he just got a night thrift store haul. The paper champion-era is over! Dixie came out and was called by Tenay "One of the people who has the power to do so" - I demand a graphic for the chain of command for promo interruption. Dixie talked about the "Don't Fire Eric" movement EIGHT YEARS AGO, and Dixie INVENTED THE BEARD!

She demanded royalty checks...fucking hell how second-rate. I'm trying to figure out what Dixie's dress is supposed to look like. It's kind of like a blue and purple piano, mixed with a hot dog shape. EY got a Yes chant, slightly. "I'm gonna do the same thing to you that I do to everything to crap - I FLUSH IT!" Smooth. EY promising to run her over with the General Lee ruled. Could've done without her explaining the reference. And now she's going to give him a corporate makeover. Can't wait for three months from now, or weeks, when we get the fake cop angle. OH MY GOD, THIS HAS ONLY GONE ON 10 MINUTES. Bully's out talking about guys being held down by a loser boss. Bully talked about the table bit last week. This whole Dixie - Wrestling Historian bit is much funnier if you imagine it as a rib on Eva Marie. Bully in his Wal-Mart MMA shirt endorsed EY as champ. This sucked. KOs street fight is up next.

It's Velvet-Rayne, and Velvet prepared for Rayne by getting ready to batter up for the Rayne came out from behind her. Velvet's tits look absolutely gigantic in this outfit. Madison somehow POWERED BOTH VELVET AND ANGELINA UP TO THE APRON WITH ONE HAND EACH...well actually, Angelina's only 100 pounds, so that could be possible. Velvet gave Madison a wedgie getting into the ring. Madison, WHO WAS ABLE TO LIFT TWO PEOPLE UP, struggled to hold a garbage can overhead and hit Velvet with some terrible shots. Spear from Rayne got the win. They hyped up Angelina-Rayne for the PPV IN TEN DAYS! Abyss cut a promo on EY after Bully left. Abyss talked about cashing in a title shot. I can't wait for TNA to launch the Piggy Bank ladder match. They played music over 90% of this promo, so it was hard to hear.

Spud in his gear talked to EC3. BOO, HE'S NO LONGER GOT A WHEELCHAIR. He's scared of animals, and girls, BUT NOT WILLOW! EC3 hyped him up as the man who could end Willow. HE'S A LION! These two have amazing chemistry together. MVP cut a promo with no intro. He talked about Joe not being there. MVP with the business goatee rules. MVP got pissed at Joe for not calling or texting him, or for not returning his calls. Aries came out in a shiny shirt, and said he's now the most disgruntled man who ever lived. Loved him getting to cut a promo. Shame he's in the doghouse. He took offense to not being in the gauntlet, and MVP told him he hasn't been used since he turned his back on him. Aries and MVP are pretty good together. A pseudo-epic EY video aired that basically put EY in Bryan's role in every way, minus the comedy part. I'll give TNA some credit - they're at least going through the motions of making this win seem important, which is more than they did for Sabin. He held it and it went from being a mian event title to being an hour 1 main event title due to their shitty booking.

 Wolves-BroMans are up the for the tag titles. It's never been brought up before right now. Davey's hair is just terrible. Nice double dive from the Wolves. God, a Wolves and Bryan vs. The Shield match would've been fun. Robbie being around for about five years now is amazing given how badly the Shore bombed on week one. Taz called a move of the Champs' the Double Boom, leading to Tenay noting he'll mark it down next to the Bro Down. Nice Warriors Way from Eddie led to the double stomp from Davey, and a DQ win for the Wolves due to DJ Z getting involved. Looking forward to the PPV win for them. Willow cut a promo about EC3 and Spud dreaming of handicapping Willooowwww! Fuck this is stupid.

An EY video had a promo from EY cut in with the audio of JB talking and Madison's theme, so it was impossible to hear. Parts of this were used in the opening and could actually be heard. EC3 and Spud did EC3's intro, which annoyed EC3. Taz talked about how amazing the Willow umbrella is, leading to Tenay plugging ShopTNA. Well, if you're going to make goofy merch, you might as well push it on TV. Taz talked about his alter ego being six foot, nine - and that's it. Glorious! Twisto on Spud gets the win, leading to EC3 taking the leg out. It never once occurred to me that all of this was being done to build up EC3-Willow...and it's not. ANGLE'S BACK! EC3 unhinged his jaw at the sight of him and ate a suplex. This was great.

Angle cut a rambling promo about facing EC3 "soon", so maybe he forgot the PPV name. And Angle-EC3 won't end until EC3's taken out in a body bag. An awesome video on Sanada showed him waking up at 4:30 to train an talking about  how good Uno is. NOW they're hype up the Sanada-Tigre series... This is pretty awesome though. Kenny King came out looking slick. Nice back and forth fast offense from both guys. Great TKO from Sanada. Uno hit the HOLYFUCKBALLSNO Capture Suplex doing a head and arm tie with the captured leg right against the head...Okay, that capture suplex needs to never be used again. Uno wins with a flippy do. Bully cut a promo to someone looking rather slim in that shirt about the table deal.

Roode's challenge was met by MR.  INTENSITY, THE MDV, GUNNER! These two had a pretty good little match. Big running flying knee from Gunner. After setting Roode up on a table, Gunner..slammed his head into the buckle and allowing Roode to toss Gunner into but not quite through the able. Roode Bomb through the table remedied that screwup nicely and actually helped since Roode got the win with his finisher and not just via the help. Bully made the save for Gunner. Madison cut a promo on a windy day outside on EY. EC3 said that he didn't deserve it. Willow the Drug Addict said EY was the greatest world champion TNA has ever seen. EY bonked stuff with a kendo stick and a trash can... Boy would this monster's ball deal be a better on a show that didn't have a women's street fight gimmick hardcore as the opener.

Abyss came out for his world title match...weren't his matches only due to Magnus or something? Did Magnus sign off on Abyss getting a shot before him, and if so, why would he do that? Sure, Abyss can soften him up - but he could also wind up facing Abyss, and it was made clear before that Magnus doesn't want that. Just like the opener, this had stupid cane and trash can shots. Not Bryan did a suicide dive and got bonked with a can for an ad break.Nasty slingshot spot with a chair where EY got stuck in between the second and top ropes and the chair. Cheese grater claw to the balls from EY. EY teased a piledriver to the tacks, so he could puncture his ass, legs, and possibly back with them. Abyss tried to impale EY with the board, but it got stuck in the buckle, so EY kicked him in the balls. Abyss countered a Janice shot attempt from EY with a chokeslam onto the tacks! EY had a ton of wounds on him from that, so in a sense, this was a good match to do for his first world title match since he comes off as tougher due to it - not to the level of Foley-Orton though. EY dropkicked him onto a barbwire board, hit the elbow, and won. This overdelivered.

Screens -

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