Thursday, August 7, 2014

TNA Impact 8-7-14

The pre-show Cops has a guy looking suspicious, and then RUNNING FROM THE COPS. NAH MY MAN NAH! He told them he was arrested before for armed robbery and was just scared. "You can just take my word and let me go." I don't see that going well and he is just all over the map here. "Now man, THERE'S SOMETHING UNDA THA HOUSE MAN! THERE'S WEED! FOUR GRAMS!" Yup - he's going to jail. The second portion has a guy on the loose with a motorcycle with a gun out and apparently holding a woman hostage. The cop had been there many times and told her that he understood her position. The K9 unit bit the hell out of his arm, and he's got HOGG LIFE tattooed on his chest. The third act has cops following a car that went through two light cycles without moving. A guy has a hardship license, but it's only because he's got a suspended license. He sat at the red light because he didn't want the cops to pop him. He's goofy and admits to taking a tablet earlier. It's a painkiller and he's got another one in his pocket. The cops have had about enough of him and while they're glad he's working with them, he's got a felony for a single pill.

A disclaimer airs for the show, so they're going to show the whole thing. Bully talks about KISS putting the paint on ONE MORE TIME. Or several times. Dreamer says to text your friends, WRESTLING HISTORY HAPPENS TONIGHT! The show-opening video focuses on the cronies going through a table and having the ITHAPPENS clip from last week air. Abyss is out for a Monster's Ball with Bram. There's a balding guy with an afro booing Bram. The crowd's chanting for tables - there's no way the company's stupid enough to do a table bump tonight before the main event. Tenay begged for tweets and texts, and Taz mocks Tommy for using a flip phone. Crowd wants blood - which was shocking in '94, wasn't a decade or so ago, and is back to being a surprising chant now. "This is awesome!" why? They're just doing random weapon stuff. It's like a match in WWF Attitude where you grab one weapon, use it, get another, drop it, and so on and so forth. BRAM HAS MR. TURNBUCKLE! CHEESE GRATER TO THE BALLS! Bram hops up and Abyss just chucks him into the chair. Abyss gets Janice and kisses it. Janice is stuck in the buckle, so Bram tries to hit him with a chair and Abyss elbows him - busts his arm up something fierce. Abyss has a back "and something tells me it's not a bag of chips and yankee doodles!" Taz ruled. Tacks are out. CHOKESLAM ON THE TACKS! And he's just covered in blood. This was the nastiest tack bump in ages. Magnus grabs Janice, while a tack-covered Bram spears Abyss through a barb wire board in the corner. So that makes three spear-users on the show. Well, that went from being every weapons brawl ever to a crazy bloodbath with some cool visuals fairly quickly. Joe talked backstage looking 45, and Low Ki said they've had plenty of wars with VIOLENCE, PAIN, SUFFERING, AND NOW THEY GOT A PRIZE ON THEIR HANDS! Low Ki should really be getting some voice over work - he's got a really booming voice.

EC3 cuts a promo with his crew. Ryklon's still all about domination! And he's the final ECW Champion, while it's not Snitsky's fault and Rhino was the final true ECW Champion. There's no way Dixie will ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER go through the table! Taz says Snitsky and Ryklon don't quite ring ECW to him, but maybe the rebirth. MVP and Lashley come out with some ladies. Some look fine, others don't. I know they've got no money, but they'd look better with one 10 than 6 4s. There are no words to describe MVP's brown camo jacket, and I love Lashley being THE DEVOURER OF YOUR SOUL! MVP threatens us with a years-long Lashley reign. Lashley toppled EY, Hardy - an all-time great, and Aries couldn't prevail with Option C. "There's no one left for him to beat!" led to Roode coming out and saying that MVP is factually correct at points. Roode with the mohawk just doesn't work, but I'd love for him to win it from Lashley. After more droning on, Roode says he's kick MVP and Kenny's asses, and it's time for Roode-Lashley. EY and Aries save him from a 3-on-1 but come out with EY's theme. "You all play with each other while we play with these hos!" MVP is amazing. Gunner, Shaw, and Anderson have a 6-man tag and Anderson's an asshole still.

Bully is asked for a hint about the 4th guy. I completely forgot this was an 8-man tag, and they got a guy out of retirement. Taz says it's not him, and the Bro Mans are out to face the Insanely Assholish Gunners. Tenay pimped the 8-man hardcore extreme weapons war, while Taz buried such a loaded phrase. I loved Taz also burying the idea of Gunner basically adopting an adult. Tenay's voice over pimped Gym Rescue. Robbie leaps into a mic check, but the other goons make the save. Anderson was saved from a 3-on-1 by Shaw, but Anderson eats a distraction schoolboy for a loss. Dixie talks to Mo in a cheap-looking Bully Fears Dixie shirt. Mo looks like such a schmuck in this. The 8-man hardcore extreme weapons war is next! Show's only 43 minutes old and I'm ready for it to end - just a bunch of stuff so far.

Anderson and Gunner argued about Anderson's PUNK MOVE! Shaw comes in and takes the blame. ANDERSON IS STILL PISSED! Gunner's pissed, and Shaw's sad. This all sucks. EC3's yellow and silver gear in this HARDCORE EXTREME WAR. Oh, and this is now a cage-less War Games match. Why in the fuck would you not act least mention that? I thought it was just an 8-man tag, or maybe an elimination match. No pins or submissions until everyone's in the match. Cane pumphandle suplex from Dreamer to EC3. Dreamer gets mounted punches while Tenay pimps the big September 5 show with Lashley. Rhino gets some nothing shots before hitting a shitty spinebuster. I remember him doing that to Dreamer in 1999 when they were teasing his back was so fucked up that he'd have to retire. Devon came out and looks fairly lean. He's still really quick given his age and time in the industry. TRASH CAN LID TO THE HEAD OF EC3! This, like Monster's Ball, is just random stuff before the break.

Snitsky came out during the break and Bully came out after. Everyone ate trash can lids. Dixie and Mo look upset in the crowd. Well, Dixie does - Mo is doing nothing. Every single guy in this match but EC3 is in a shirt. EC3 is bloody and it's covering Bully. Ryklon comes out in black and silver gear to hit the standing Rock Bottom to Devon. EC3 chokes out Bully with his own chain. Random music hit and AL SNOW came out with Head. Taz handwaved everyone in the crowd having a head too. Al is in amazing shape and he's tan too. BULLY HITS A CROSSBODY OFF THE TOP! Now they're all attacking Spud. HOW DARE THEY. I love Taz saying that his suit is like a lot of Jello in a blender. Al gives Spud a Wasssupppp Head-butt. They went to get tables, but Snitsky and Ryklon prevented it. AL SNOW HIT AN ASAI MOONSAULT TO THEM! Crowd said he's still got it - yup. 3D to Rhino and Taz says that Al never did that back in the day, and when he was young, he was old! Rhino eats the fall. This was nothing. Bully asks where's Dixie and HE SEES HER! Bully says her crew's leaving cuz they got their asses beat and TICK TOCK, IT'S TABLE TIME! Dixie yelled about Bully getting KOed by Mo. BPs exposited about the storyline with Taryn Terrell.

They came back and Tenay pimped the TMNT movie. EC3 said his team failed him and their aunt. Their mission isn't done though - they still have to protect Dixie and THE SECRET WEAPON King Mo, who isn't a secret. BFG in Japan was hyped up. They're at least using this BFG to really push Sanada hard, and trying to get one more star over. BPs are out and Velvet's wearing the smallest skirt in history. Angelina yelled about wanting a title shot next. Taryn's boobs came out to confront her. I like Velvet checking out Taryn's ass. Angelina said she was better than every knockout, resulting in a mean look from Velvet. Gail said she met with  Kurt and made a 3-way with herself, Love, and Terrell. Gail furthered the BP split. Velvet was put into the match too. And then the chicks brawled. Velvet's offense was terrible. It's impossible to believe she's been around for 13 years. Storm fired up Sanada and had him bow and swear to win the title. Joe-Sanada-Low Ki is next.

 They show clips of next week's show mid-way through this week's show. TEAM 3D FACES THE HARDYS, AND THEY'VE GOT CAMO AGAIN! A guy says that Bully was in Hell, and Bully says nah, THAT WAS HARDCORE HEAVEN! Available now on the WWE Network! X Title match is the "main event". Storm's out and his theme is so amazing. Joe whooped Sanada's ass to start, but missed a big knee leading to a dropkick. Joe chucks Low Ki to the floor. Joe got up to the lower back for the blind enzuiguri to Sanada. Joe's dive hit both guys. Powerbomb into the STF, complete with a little "you can't see me" bit. Dragon clutch to Joe. KI FLIPS OUT OF THE DRAGON SUPLEX FROM SANADA and hits the double foot stomp for 2! Joe gets the choke and the tap before Low Ki could save. It's 10:45 and Dixie's psyching up Mo. Oh God, we're going to get a lot of talking, aren't we?

The history of Bully trying to put Dixie through a table was shown. The highlight of this was the wacky lens flare effect on Dreamer's Twitter gear.Taz puts over that Mo could knock out Bully. KING MO is credible enough to KO the 40+ pro wrestler. Unreal. And he buried "Rickshaw"'s name. Dixie yells "right back at you" and buries Ryklon and Snitsky as has-beens, and tells a fan to leave. "PICK YER SHIT UP AND GET OUT OF HERE!" Okay, that was funny. I love Taz retweeting discussions about this being a show with wrestling when it's been NONSTOP TALKING. Dreamer said that he tried helping Dixie with AN EXTREME PIPEBOMB. King Mo attacked Dreamer. That was a thing I saw in 2014. Bully attacked him. Dixie's trapped in a ring! Spud saves her. TNA faces came down to prevent their escape and Spud fainted. Devon put her in place, he hit the powerbomb and she landed RIGHT on her shoulder. They at least had the sense to replay it a ton and play it up like a big deal, but I was underwhelmed by it.

Screens -

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